badthoughtshole

[badthoughtshole]

"Conflict Averse" people can cause so much damage.

They view any discussion which makes them even a little bit uncomfortable as "conflict".

Thus when they are a little bothered by or concerned about something, they don't bring it up.

You can do everything in your power to let them know they're allowed to bring up concerns, that you prefer they bring them up before they become a huge deal.

You can do anything you want to make it clear you're receptive, and anything else you like to support them, to let them know what they say matters to you. You can build a friendship.

But still, they won't bring anything up.

Because they are cowards, and it is important to remember cowardice can cause a lot of pain.

I often see "cowardice" conflated simply with "being afraid", which leads people to want to sympathize with a coward rather then the person who is frustrated by their behavior, who has been harmed by it.

So I think it's worth a reminder that, as the dictionary says, a coward is "a person who lacks the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things".

That kind of endurance is how we grow as people, is how we do so much of what is needed to make life better.

A coward is not a victim. A coward is someone who cannot do the right thing, harming themselves and often others in the process. Because of the harm they cause, they do not deserve sympathy.

In this context cowardice causes a lot of pain when their concern, or collection of concerns, is exacerbated by a bad day or week they're having and/or grows to a size they can no longer push back down.

Then they burst.

Often they will bark very loudly, like a dog frightened by a noise in the dark.

Other times they will desperately try to control the situation by slipping a note under a door and running way, by laying down rules even as they tell you off, saying you aren't allowed to respond to their outburst for whatever reason. Outburst for me, not for thee. No hit backs!

Often their fear of conflict will still manifest in some way, such as them being very vague about why they're so mad at you, why they're cutting you out of their life, why they're vomiting emotional battery acid overtop your head.

Your crimes are so severe they can't identify them, so you can't learn, so you'll keep committing them I guess! They're too cowardly to help you learn from the experience so you can cease your criminal behavior, too cowardly to try and protect others you might harm later.

They're too selfish. All they care about is ending the discomfort they feel, and preventing any further discomfort. Me, me, me.

Ironically, the manner in which they cut you out will make you less keen to have them present in your life.

It still hurts for the obvious reasons regarding the unpleasantness of being dressed down, the bucket-of-ice-water surprise of it all, a sense of betrayal…

The more lasting hurt it causes is the way this outburst undercuts your sense of how the world works, of the value of communication, of the effectiveness of trying to be the best person you can to others and accomodate their needs.

It doesn't mean there's no point in being kind or trying to be considerate, it doesn't justify your being cruel & inconsiderate going forward. That is stupid child-think.

You keep doing your best to be considerate, kind, accomodating and so on. Moreso even, perhaps.

It's all just a painful reminder that sometimes you can do your absolute best by someone and

it

simply

doesn't

matter.

This comes with a side order of feeling very nervous about any even slightly unusual behavior by people in your life moving forward. So and so hasn't responded to your messages for a week? What pressure cooker might be building steam inside THEM? What might the coward be telling others behind your back?

Time passing is the only cure, as far as I know.

This isn't something I have to deal with often. It's not a case of "Well if everybody's an asshole, maybe you're the real asshole."

It's just so painful & frustrating an experience that I remember the few occurrences well, and have very strong feelings about them.

So strong I felt compelled to share them on the Internet, where nuance goes to die.

But I'd rather that than bottle it up until I have my own inappropriate, utterly avoidable outburst.

BONUS CONTENT If in your surprise at their outburst you bark back, and they're in a context where they can't just block you or otherwise shut out your response, then yes you make "conflict" very unpleasant indeed - thus reinforcing the very worldview which brought you both to that point. I don't know how you break that cycle, given that this flavor of coward does not respond to being treated in all the ways you can to make them feel safe to bring up concerns before they reach the level of being expressed through sudden outbursts.

[badthoughtshole]

1

What if I made a blog to anonymously post all the thoughts I can’t share with anyone else ever?