bambuizeled

[bambuizeled]

One reason it’s important to be honest when you’ve wronged someone you care about, is so they can make informed choices about how to interact with you.

Hiding the truth about how you wronged someone specifically so they aren’t able to make an informed choice about their relationship with you, is another layer of betrayal. It’s disrespectful to manipulate what they know in order to keep them making choices you like.

(Note: this is about lying about wronging someone, not about lying for safety, e.g. not being out or lying to your abuser.)

[bambuizeled]

If you’re unaware of why this is being posted---Read this first. Because I want to keep this relatively short. I purposely made this entire topic into two separate posts because I wanted to have something recalling the past while one is shorter and is about the present day---Which is more important in context.

If this sort of stuff doesn’t interest you---Blacklist “Moth Rants” for future references. I’m not open to listening to anyone’s opinion on my safety and health. Whether you like it or not---I deal with mental illnesses and trauma and I’m free to bring it up on whatever platform I am in. You have the option to blacklist or even unfollow. It doesn’t affect me in any way. Personally, prefer I keep quiet about ~drama~ most of the time and and I’ve been sitting on posting this for a while (as you can see from the timestamps) but if I don’t do it now---I’m just wasting time and I’ll get to why I’m barely speaking about it publicly now and I want to keep this topic dead afterwards.

So here’s what was written as a “Do not contact me anymore” message. I sent this on my old account before I moved to: Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 Shortly after that message was sent, he was blocked on practically every website from DA, FA, and even places like Furvilla. Just depended on whether or not his username popped up and poof---He was blocked. But you know... Funny how I mention he was able to contact me on places like MC this entire time, right? You know... A website without a blocking system---Oh...

And then over a year later I get an “apology” message”. You know because apparently I didn’t make it clear in my first message that an apology wasn’t welcome. But it’s nice to know I told someone I was going to block him everywhere only for them to contact me on a site with no block feature? How much of a scumbag do you have to be to pick the easiest place? > “you don’t deserve me unloading that on you anyways.” > “ My boyfriend thinks I should hate you for some of the things you said to me when you made the decision to let me know we weren’t friends anymore.” Yeah. Don’t explain to me your behavior that caused someone to be miserable or a course of 6 years---and instead mention someone whom I’ve never met and someone who I don’t care remotely care about their opinions towards me. That perfectly appropriate to mention in this “apology” message than an explanation for how badly I was treated, right?

> “For you assuming that I’m still the same as when you and I first met, when, I’ve changed a lot.“ Alright. This is less of a sincere apology and more of a “you were wrong this entire time haha” sort of deal when I wasn’t remotely talking about current things. I was specifically talking about past events because the experiences caused trauma for me and that I finally wanted to break away because being around him.

But hey... Why not try to make yourself look good? And then mention the whole “hate” thing because you need a strawman so YOU don’t look bad, right?

You know what’s funny? I had a panic attack when I got the notification of a PM and I saw his name. I just logged out of MC for a few days and cried. Luckily I share my account with someone and they had read it for me to see if it was hostile or not. A few days ago---We actually asked staff to the site to block this person. Apparently staff can get onto it if you ask. I really wish I knew about that sooner. But oh well. Also in case anyone wonders why it’s still called a stalker case---- Take a quick glance at the name on my old Deviantart Account. And remember me mentioning that I moved on from particular accounts that he happened to follow---I purposely moved to get away from him. But the funniest thing about his apology is that my name listed on MC was and still is “Milque” and I never changed it to “Felicity” on purpose. So... What name was I addressed as in the “apology” again...? Looks like someone has been looking through my accounts and got familiar enough to know I go by “Felicity” now hm...

Also, for the heck of it---Anyone want to see some old vent art about me from 2011? (This was from the fight we got into that I don’t remotely remember nor do I really care about at this point.) Since he deleted his journals ages ago, I want you take a gander because this stupid vent piece can give you a good inkling about the shit he’d say about me on journals: https://dizzy-lizard.deviantart.com/art/Headstrong-207055157 https://www.furaffinity.net/view/5704221/

I mostly link it for this comment:

“This sounds like someone ended their friendship with you and you wanted to have the last word when you couldn't.”

Was never a more accurate to say and it’s still accurate to this day---Which is why this post exists. If I wasn’t contacted with the “last word” bullshit. Guess what? I wouldn’t be writing this and posting it.

That being said if I tell you I do not want to be in contact with you and even tell you it’s too late for an apology---if you remotely care about my feelings, you’d just respect my space with what I asked for. None of this “I know you didn’t want me to do this and I PROMISE I’ll leave you alone after” bullshit.

If you’re willing to overstep boundaries once----you easily can be accused that you will do it again!

So I will never accept that. I wanted to end off peacefully with my final words because I was harassed and  roped into a friendship I had decided not to be part of.  It’s really funny, even with the vent picture and the disagreement I don’t remember---It’s funny how it’s mentioned that he wishes he left me alone after I initially blocked him back in 2010. Maybe I had the best idea from the very start? There’s no “apologies are a good thing” in a situation where it’s been decided and stated that an apology was too late. I also addressed that being around this person made me uncomfortable. I’ve picked apart the apology already. It’s not even an apology. It’s a “you were wrong and I’m just going to say things like “I changed!” so I look like I was the good guy in the end”. It’s funny how I was told the “I changed” excuse yet that seems more like a lie with the whole “last word” and stalking bullshit. Anyways Darktornathore on DA/FA/@beastfox better leave me the fuck alone. If I have to post about this shit publicly---then I will.

This person actively did a block evasion so that is accountable against him.

FUCK OFF.

So, all in all----To anyone reading this, Because he’s done this in the past----Please do not contact me for him. Please and thank you. All it does is rile up past trauma for me. I’m so sorry for having to post this. But if anyone’s been following my past posts and journals---I’m getting really tired of this shit. I’m sorry for getting to this two months later. I was scared and was almost going to hold back on it---But I’m not tolerating this at all.

[bambuizeled]

"I will learn to live again, for now I'm breaking All the things I couldn't mend without escaping I will learn to love again I will learn to love I will learn" - “I Felt Free” by Circa Survive

Hey look! It’s Krissy! My first fursona... Or well... One of my first fursonas. Krissy was a German Shepherd because they were my favorite type of dog back I made them. You probably have to have known me for 7+ years to even remember them. Why am I posting them and why did I draw them again? Well... It’s a long story...

Before we begin I just want to say this is not vent art and not even a vent post with what will be mentioned---The followup to this is more vent related anything. This is gonna be touchy. It talks about abuse, manipulations, and stalking lil’ mentions of suicide idealization---Stalking that still seems going on to this day! But we'll get to that...

So... I'll clarify that this happened around back in 2010 and most of this shit took place on Deviantart unless stated otherwise. Sadly this was before we constantly spammed the “PRT SC” button for receipts and shit so much dialogue is lost and some is shit I’ve forgotten. I used to delete my accounts due to being overwhelmed, too.

Sometimes people end up having the wrong person in their lives. Unfortunately, It happens. Stuff like this can happen the most when we're younger and impulsive. Online relationships were an odd concept for me but I found myself getting into one. When I thought I had a good relationship I was going to through a rough time with a abusive parent and wound up in the hospital for an entire week. I remember that day pretty well. Went to school as normal but had to leave early as my mom picked me up and she drove me to see doctor and wound up having to stay in the hospital for a week due to suicidal thoughts. Didn't get to mention "Hey, I can't be online for a long while" on Deviantart to let any of my friends know. So I was stuck in there for a week.

Only to come back online, not wanting to mention the specifics as other people asked me why I was gone for so long---Including my datemate, who wound up suspicious over me being gone. Back then, I never liked mentioning my mental illnesses or doctor’s trips and I still don't really do that now unless I know someone really well or I need to clarify something about my behavior. But back then I hated mentioning my mental illnesses to the point where I often lived in the delusion that I was normal and didn’t need my meds. But me being gone for a week enough for him to decide for us to break up because he met someone else during the same week I just happened to be gone. And apparently their mother got suspicious of me because I lived in another country and was dating their child. The usual "You might be dating someone much older than you case" when it wasn't that at all. But, of course, we had to break up. Coming back to that after a terrible stay in the hospital for a week and dealing with an abusive mother honestly had nothing more than self harm and suicide on my young, teenage mind. But I still didn’t want to mention anything in regards to my personal life so I never explained...

It was less about breaking up and more as to how it was handled. There was a copy-paste note sent out to multiple people---including me. Explaining the whole situation and mentioning that he and I had broke up in a small footnote. And that. Put me on the breaking point and I simply blocked him and planned to ignore him from that point. Of course, my decision immediately caused chaos. He wound up creating a fake account to pretend he was someone else. A brand new account just popping up and someone immediately talking to me? He asked me if he could draw one of my OCs. I said "Sure" and once the drawing was done, I had a suspicion over who it was. And we eventually had a conversation via notes and since I was still sad about the breakup. I was asked if I could just forgive him and I responded with a "no". And then being told it's a good idea to forgive people... Coming from the stalker who had to make a new account, pretend it wasn't him, and then try to make himself look like the victim? Haaah.

So it went back to quietness until there were various journals "calling me out". Mentioning how mean I was or belittling me to the public on journals from Deviantart to Furaffinity. And of course, multiple people would end up disliking me and talking shit about me in the comments. Boy, as someone who deals with paranoia in my adulthood---I wonder how that came to be, eh?

And when I don't let him have his way----He ends up making vent art and ranting about me in submissions! How nice to have something escalate from journals to vent art about me so it can blasted on the front page to DA and FA. It's funny because when the vent art was posted---I was called a "whiny bitch" when this person was the one another account for block evasion, making journals and art submissions that namedropped me no less. While I just stayed quiet because I was going through child abuse and dealing with racism at school and I did not remotely feel safe online when spending time and posting art on Deviantart was one of the few things that made me happy.   What a wonderful experience I had there, right?

After all of the ranting, I ended up receiving some sort of apology message from my ex but he used someone else to send it to me via note on FA. Because of all of the harassment---I accepted the apology even though I didn't want to. I wanted this to stop. I had no choice because I was already dealing with a lot in real life. I at least wanted to feel safe on Deviantart.

Eventually we did start talking to each other again in July of 2010... Then there was some sort of fight that my mind draws a blank at in 2011. There was a disagreement over something and it was back to not being friends again, apparently he was the one to end it. Maybe that's why I don't remember? Because it did mean freedom for me after feeling forced to stay with this person. It was probably something meager or something really stupid in his case. But it did go back with me being publicly shamed again so I'll leave that note here as well. Then I was begged for forgiveness once more and I accepted the apology again because I scared.

But you know what did all of the harassment amounted to? This person publicly slandering about how much of a bitch I was for not forgiving him and just deciding to cut ties? Wanting me to go about my life because I was dealing with a lot in my life and my only safe space was being contaminated? You want to know what all of that amounted into? I got ignored and I got neglected. No. I'm not fucking joking.

Each time we cut ties and got back together---There was a bit of talking and then just silence all the way through. It was more prominent after 2011. And you want to know who was the ONLY person to bother with starting conversations with this abusive person? Me. Because I thought we were friends. But we really weren't. No matter what he says otherwise. It was nothing more than a delusion. Constant complaints about me for blocking him when I wanted nothing to do with him only for me to "forgive" apologies because I wanted the harassment to stop. I was forced into a friendship with someone because I wasn’t allowed to make my own decisions without the threat of slander and I was miserable.

So from July 2011 up to June 23rd 2016----I was the only person to say "Hi" or actually try to get chatter going. Most of the time conversations would end in abrupt silences. No replies or anything for over months to years. No updates or anything. Even passively aggressively mentioning me on a Deviantart journal where you answer questions and it asks you who your friends are and for some reason I’m added to the list with some sort of passive aggressive “I know we don’t talk much, but I still consider you a friend”. Yeah, not like he ever bothered to talk to begin with. What a great friend. But mentioning that we don’t talk on a DA journal is more appropriate than starting a conversation apparently. Maybe I was expected to break the ice again but at that point I was not interested in speaking to him anymore. Most of the time, I don’t mind it if me and friends don’t talk for a long while. Heck, there’s friends who I haven’t talked to in over a year and we’re still on good terms. But this.... Is a different case than not talking to someone for over a year or a general long period of time---This is a case of having someone harass you for not wanting to talk to them and when they can talk to you---they ignore you instead. AND THIS HAPPENED TWICE.

So... What happened on June 23rd 2016? I sent him a note, asking him to never contact me or interact with me or any of my accounts ever again. But due to the disrespect for my spaces---Well... That’ll be revealed shortly afterwards.

______________

You'd think me typing all of this would mean I'm mad, right? Hah. When we get to the other part and such---Then you’ll see why I’m mad.

I drew this picture as something that represents me. Or well, a part of me. Specifically the younger part of me---Back when I was about 15 when this all happened. I wanted to draw something light for this topic. Because of dealing with 6 years of that crap. Having this person out of my life and even kicking them out when it was clear they didn’t really care for me from the beginning made me so happy with myself. The entire time I was forced into a relationship that made me feel unsafe and scared. And yet I was still the one to ever bother talking.

All in all; be kind to yourself. Have the right people in your life---Specifically non-toxic people.  A mutual relationship with understanding is better than a relationship where it's one-sided and there's too much tension or someone is uncomfortable around you. Breaking away seems scary---And it is. But sometimes you need to break away and heal.

The topic of "healing" and "recovering" can be a scary subject to people. I know I always dreaded the concept for some reason---More so to the concept of me never being able to recover over broken relationships. But when I told this person I didn't want him in my life anymore---I felt free. To cut back any ties that were holding me back. To let go any bad memories that I'd usually think about during my depression spells. (Which did stop during said spells, thankfully.) And I felt so proud of myself finally cutting ties with someone who took me for granted and ignored me.

Sometimes you'll never forgive a person---That lack of forgiveness for someone isn't a "grudge". Whether or not you forgive doesn't make you a bad person. You can forgive the moments to move on. To think my stalker pretended to be someone else and suggested forgiveness where it was not his place to.

Maybe what I say is something people can't relate to. I'm human, and we're all different. And situations are different.  Healing and recovery is different for people and different for everyone. So take it all with a grain of salt because what I mention is from my own experience

But do know this, if you ever experience a toxic relationship that ends up with stalking as a result---Please. Take care of yourself and I hope you are well.