bandmafia

[bandmafia]

Today on: My band director needs therapy

[bandmafia]

Things about my concert band director that has my non-band friends convinced he's the school's cryptid and doesn't exist: > Fill up his electric kettle at the water fountain while talking with leadership > Sometimes he's the one closing up the school, not the janitors > He's probably passively suicidal > Along that note, he tries strangling himself with his sax strap or stabbing the baton into his eye if we play badly > Also makes fairly consistent jokes about suddenly dying/not showing up one day (mans has a dark sense of humor) > Smiles like a PNG stockphoto > Stands like his legs can't fully support him, but also in a way that makes half the band convinced he's queer (look, straight white men do not stand like ferrets, okay?) > Doesn't go anywhere without his travel mug or a cup of Starbucks coffee/tea > He? Doesn't? Sleep? Sometimes? Concern > This man took over the band program yet hates attention what is he doing > Every lunch he locks himself in his office for ten minutes. Probably to cry > He does this thing when he gets to the podium where instead of walking around all the chairs and stands he goes in-between them, and to avoid knocking things over he kind of. Swerves? It's like that ADHD sway thing. > On that note we're all pretty sure he has ASD or ADHD. Or both. > Does he eat? Who knows. He likes drowning his pancakes in syrup at least > He has a massive sweet tooth it's a wonder he doesn't just eat candy all day. He does pack absurd amounts of candy for band camp though > He cycles through three outfits and three outfits only. They're named. > It's the: Conductor's uniform (complete with a white bow), Band camp attire (Black turtleneck and jeans), and Everyday (dress shirt of varying colors and dress pants). He has never worn anything else, minus the one day he needs to wear grad-related stuff. Leadership makes memes about this. There's a running joke in the band about this. > He has a strict routine for everyone and himself. Kind of comforting, actually, to know that no matter what nothing will change with him > He showed up to band camp once with an ace bandage wrapped around his forearm. Still no explanation for it > His car is named after his grandfather. The name is the license plate > He's friends with like, The DCI judge. Somehow? Also friends with Julie Giroux. How does a man from Canada just. Make friends with a 60 something lesbian composer. Huh. > Everyone? Affiliated with band? In the city? Somehow? All know him? > There's people in the city's Phil who went to school with him wghta hte fkcu > He jokes about his baton being a weapon. I'm pretty sure if he tried hard enough it could kill someone. That someone, however, might be himself first > Genuinely I swear this man needs to be put on like, a watch list or something so he doesn't end up actually offing himself in the band room > He has two houses. He built one himself. Still leaves the band room at 1 in the morning. > He's just this bundle of sarcasm, wit, dark humor, self-deprecation, mild suicidal tendencies, and Tired shoved into a human. He looks like he's about to fall apart at any moment, in a physical and mental sense.

[bandmafia]

Marching band culture is:

Being really fucking hungry all the time during the summer

Like literally, hell hath no fury like a troop of band kids being denied food after their show

[bandmafia]

I think my director has a death wish

Translation: I'm about 70% sure he's suicidal

[bandmafia]

In one of the spaces we normally rehearse in, there's like, a big open area with stairs leading up to the second floor Anyways, yesterday one of the brass staff, instead of using the other side of the stairs, just fully jumped over the Woodwinds staff during feedback time. Like a gazelle

[bandmafia]

It's kind of funny to me when people ask if my band director is okay, because I'm pretty sure he's constantly 5 minutes away from just killing himself. You hear people saying their band directors threatened to kill them after messing up a full-movement run, but this guy threatens his own life if we play badly. Once just turned around and tried to put his baton through his eye. Like full on just sent and only stopped an inch in front of his own eyeball. He's known for tugging on his sax strap and tightening it in an attempt to choke himself out. He needs a therapist and more than 1 hour of sleep per day.

[bandmafia]

A list of quotes from my eternally sleep deprived band director:

"Morgan, shut UP" "...further creating the thought that I might need a break" "I'm going to die here today" "One of these days I'm not going to show up. Where he at? He dead" "At least change the format, idiot" "Morgan judging me for my syrup use?" "I have three degrees. You have zero. Sit down" "Qiang, if I walk around and see an E-reader on your stand, I'm going to throw it against the wall" "I appreciate that the alarm at least sounds nice, but please turn it off if it's yours" "I'm going to throw your bag out the emergency exit" "It's like my salary! Slowly going down" "[board of education] is stupid and won't let me have me two computers" "Look. I can tell when you use AI. I've known some of you for three years now, I know how you write" "Minor-meno- wow, English today" "Some grade ten fell down the stairs he was so slick" "No. No. Shut up, save your breath" "The trash cans at the sanitizing stations are not for your moldy banana peels! Stop it!" "I was sitting in my office at 11pm-" (draws an S for a treble clef) "Eh, good enough"

[bandmafia]

what is it with band directors who sit in their office until, like, midnight

Like, Go HOME. Go TO SLEEP. Get IN YOUR CAR AND DRIVE AWAY. We CAN TELL YOU HAVE'NT SLEPT IN TWO DAYS. GO TO SLEEP.

[bandmafia]

If my band director replies back with a smiley face or exclamation point at the end: He got his normal 3 hours of sleep and is functioning fine If he replied back with an emoji at the end: he got zero sleep and was probably still at the school when he replied, will be slightly unhinged during rehearsal today

[bandmafia]

Favorite DCI shows, not in order: - Phantom Regiment 2023 'Exogenesis' - Blue Devils 2017 'Metamorph' - Bluecoats 2015 'Kinetic Noise' - Boston Crusaders 2013 'Rise' - Phantom Regiment 2024 'Mynd' - Boston Crusaders 2023 'White Whale'

(HTTYD feature my beloved)

[bandmafia]

the thing nobody here really talks about is how easily students can read their director, particularly if the director is considered good.

Because band students spend so long trying to learn all the visual cues during a concert that every single quirk and oddity of the director gets filed away for later use.

Half of rehearsal time is spent privately figuring out that a raised eyebrow in a certain direction means that the band is slowing down unintentionally, or figuring out that wide eyes means someone done fucked up.

Taking this out of rehearsal means that you eventually learn that an eyebrow twitch means the director is getting annoyed by another person and needs leadership to come up with a problem to save him. A half smile means “good job”, but a half smile plus a raised eyebrow means “hah I’m teasing you about this for the rest of your life here”.

Idk something about how every ensemble, no matter how big, will always know what their doctor is feeling with a quick glance At least, if the director is good

[bandmafia]

colourguard culture is picking glitter off of each other

and then a guard members goes to hug a trumpet and suddenly everyone is finding glitter in their mouth

[bandmafia]

if you’re wondering how much power my band director has over 300 teens, this man whistles repeatedly like a bird to get our attention instead of raising his voice

[bandmafia]

Dut dut dut dut

[bandmafia]

If you ever think your director is strict just remember my concert director has conditioned us to the point that when we had a guest conductor today and he started chatting with someone at front row after class, we just sat in our seats without question waiting for him to dismiss us.

Someone had to remind him to dismiss us, but that's not the point. The point is that all of us sat right in our seats and didn't even think of moving. We only starting asking him when it was 2 minutes to the bell ringing

[bandmafia]

Marching band aesthetics but it’s my marching band:

- (starts doing the Macarena/just dance Rasputin dance while waiting for the met)

- “STOP SPINNING YOUR INSTRUMENTS!”

- Comes out of the sectional low-key crying because our coordinator read us a book

- Instructor: “So that was 200, 70 beats above show tempo,”

- Puts back the foldable chairs with chaotic efficiency, gets the drum major to kick the stands in to make space

- Out of age seniors visiting and coming to nearly all of our rehearsals

- Making plans to sneak into University grounds to see said former seniors

- “I don’t want to be here” “Yes you do, you were complaining about the long weekend yesterday”

- “I know we haven’t looked at parade tunes in like two months because of concert season but right now everyone play [parade tune] without pulling out the sheet music”

- Gathers around last years drum major to start humming the entirety of last years show

- “Every time I go check attendance something in my mind is always going: ‘we’re missing [former senior], [former senior]- oh right’”

- “My physics final is tomorrow I should not be here”

- Colourguard doing their makeup in the rear view of someone’s car, hoping to all Heaven that there isn’t someone in the car

- Sitting in the tour bus watching Moana for the 40th time

- (gets to rehearsal at 5:15) “Dude it doesn’t start until like 6:30 tf are you doing here”

- a ball of the green masking tape drum majors use to mark the indoor field, someone put a moustache on last years tape ball

- Drum major shoes covered in white spray paint from marking the outdoor field

[bandmafia]

One big happy psychotic family cult