barelynakedthoughts - Tumblr blog

[barelynakedthoughts]

Ever since my oldest was born, I find myself becoming upset when a show or movie includes pregnancy, child birth, a newborn, a baby son, etc. A lot of women gets this way, but today, I think I realized my emotions surface because I still have some unresolved issues with my pregnancies. Sure, infertility still has me scarred, but I'm responding to all of this because of even more than that. What if I never have a baby again? What if that was the last time? I want more...I really do.

Why couldn't I just give birth naturally like I wanted? I'm so frustrated with the doctors and the environment I was in. I'm frustrated with myself for giving in. I almost regret how both of their births happened, but I'm still overly happy with the outcome. I had nothing traumatic happen where an emergency went on, but for both times, I pushed my body to a limit I didn't need to based on how it ended. I feel guilty about having c-sections.

For my oldest, I had to be induced because of an issue that never surfaced in delivery. After three days of no food, lots of induction drugs, and almost no sleep, I felt tricked by the doctors into making a decision for a c-section. I had heard and read so many horror stories of births going wrong, and I was slightly influenced by my incessant need to always be prepared. This preparation, though, would be life-saving, so why wouldn't it be a no-brainer?

For my youngest, I knew I was having a baby the day of. My blood pressure started to spike, I felt woozy, and my vessel didn't feel like a good host anymore. I went to the hospital not wanting to have the baby so soon because I wasn't in active labor. I didn't get to feel the contractions of horrifying pain like I wanted to. I had spent the week prior panicking about my decision to do a voluntary c-section. In my stress, which was causing me not to sleep for the first time in the pregnancy, it caused my body to respond accordingly. We went longer than last time at least, but still not to the point I wanted to get to.

-----

Each birth has left my body changed, and I firmly feel my emotions have been flipped upside down. My family had a cat before I was born, Sasha, who had a litter of kittens and never went back to being the same. She ended up becoming a bitter cat. Protective and good with her kittens, but ultimately, her entire demeanor changed towards those who loved her. I feel like that cat. I treat my husband terribly now, and I'm struggling to stop doing it. I want to be nicer to him

------

I'm angry, and I'm trying to work on it. The cause of my anger is clear...I'm overworked. I'm stressed, and things are difficult. I currently pump exclusively for my youngest. This time around has been harder because my hands are fuller, which has resulted in inconsistent pumping schedules and less milk. I had too much milk last time, now I have just enough.

[barelynakedthoughts]

It'd had been so long since I laid my son into his bed that holding him in that manner felt foreign. I forgot how to hold him and it was amazing how big he had gotten in just 6 weeks.

Today I was cleared to start slowly reintroducing exercise by the doctor, and this includes holding my oldest. I have missed carrying him and spinning in the air with him. I have missed lifting him to bed. I have missed being able to fully play with him. Now begins the journey to work my body back to being able to hold my baby boy again without worry attached. It will still be a while until I'm officially comfortable, but I will work to become stronger for him. I don't want to miss this time because one day...I won't rock him to sleep. I won't be able to carry him and he won't want me to. So any chance I get to hold him, I'm taking it. He's why having another c-section was the only option when push came to shove. I chose the surgery because I wanted to get home to him faster. I wanted to hug him again. A week of not seeing him was too much in my mind and I chose to give up one of most heartfelt desires for him. He was worth it and still is. He will always be worth it.

[barelynakedthoughts]

We're 9 months pregnant with our second child now. It's been an easier ride compared to my firstborn. Up until the third trimester, I was nearly symptom free with minor inconveniences here and there. Now my blood pressure is dipping low, which I've been told is normal, but it is causing feelings of lightheadedness and dizziness. Sometimes I feel faint. Fortunately, I have not passed out so I'm still considered perfectly fine. We have one month left until the due date and I'm excited. Nervous still, but genuinely looking forward to being a mom of two.

_____

Well, the baby is here and we're struggling to survive...but we're doing it surprisingly. I'm so thankful my husband took a little extra time off for leave. My recovery has been a bit rough this time around due to physically being exhausted and constrained by raising two kids under two years of age. Understand how absolutely in love I am with this new journey, but also recognize how this does not change his demanding this is and how unused to this lifestyle I am at this time. I will eventually settle into having two kids and the kids will also get older and less physically demanding. It will be tough and enjoyable. The two ideas can exist mutually.

While my pregnancy was easy until the last week, anxiety and depression got the best of me and caused another hypertension issue. I went in a few days before my birthday and had the baby a week before the due date. It was a c-section and it felt like I was giving up on my chance of having a vaginal birth in the hospital. I'm not sure if I'm ready to write about the birth right now. It was not tragic. Everything went well physically besides the exhaustion that needed treated with drugs a few hours later, but my decision was another choice that felt like a loss of self. I'm not ashamed of having a c-section either...I am just coping with who I am and who I am becoming because of having children. Again, I will eventually be able to be able settle into this and this does not change how much love I have for this role.

-----

The last time I left my house was two weeks ago. I have not gone anywhere nor have I been outside. Every day, I pump, take care of two kids, and also attempt to be a good enough wife. I barely have time to take care of myself without it being in respects to what will help the family. Life's basic luxuries are hard to experience let alone enjoy. Showering is minimal, changing out of my pajamas is optional, brushing my hair is a joke. I am eating food while not losing weight.

(Yes, I'm also dealing with body issues and engaging inappropriately with intertwined thoughts about food, infertility and weight. I fear the lack of weight loss, which is associated with my diagnosis of PCOS, means I won't be able to have another child. What a weird thing to still desire when having a child is a pivotal catalyst for my current mental status. Also, I don't fully blame my weight on my inability to have children. I am just afraid of experiencing the pains of infertility again. I did not like that time period. That caterpillar cocooned and came out a magnificent butterfly. Yet the cocooned part is difficult to cope with still as the scars feel like they are reopening. I am afraid of what it takes to endure infertilty in order to learn more lessons from it. I am not sure what else I need to learn from it...if anything. I am not sure if it all is worth it...and yet I maintain my job right now mainly because the healthcare I have from it let's the infertility season have a medical blessing of hope and a lessened financial burden.)

Anyways, I'm just barely surviving lately and there are plenty of opportunities to slightly improve the situation...and this is my own choice to wallow in, but none of the extracurricular activities seem worth it. It feels semi-okay for current self, but it turns intk a dump sesh on future self. Example: getting out of the house would get me outdoor exposure, a new perspective, freedom and probably excitement. Yet it causes the dishes to not get done. My pumping schedule gets a weird crunch at some point later in the day. Will it affect my oldest's bed time? Will my husband and I get into a tiff because of exhaustion and feeling overworked? How much sleep will I lose by doing something different? I don't like being in a constant state of exhaustion and I don't like the repercussions of being tired. The routine is just enough to keep us going...in my mind. Changes to this schedule are okay...if I'm ready to accept them. If I'm willing to change the schedule. I know it won't be like this for long...this is all hard for right now. Minor changes are major in my brain. Everything is a paradox and my life feels so stuck.

My counter rebuttal to myself wonders if any of the problems are a big deal in the grand scheme of things? The change of schedule will matter for a little bit, but then we'll get back on track eventually. Why is there a track anyways? There isn't unless I lay them...so then why do I keep laying such terrible paths? What tracks could I lay down that make things better, brighter?

The days are cyclical. The hours are cyclical. Every moment feels like the same. I have just enough time in between pumps and feedings to play with oldest. I have just enough time to clean the house in some way. We have so many dishes every day. The dishes crowd the kitchen and they crowd my mental real estate. The anxiety...I wish I could accept help more readily. Helps from certain people feels like it would topple my very unstable state of being. Help from others feel like I'm asking for too much from people who would give it and be great at it.

I can't get out of my mind...I can't get out of my house. Probably should breathe outside air...even if it is winter. Probably should let the sun that sometimes shines between the clouds hit my skin...I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel doomed until the youngest gets a little older and until I don't have to pump as much.

[barelynakedthoughts]

I'm 21 weeks pregnant now. We just found out the sex of the baby...and I'm disappointed again. I really want a girl. I was so convinced we were having a girl this time around and then it ends up we're having another boy. I am sad...just like last time. I'm scared of going through infertility again. I'm worried I can't get pregnant again so I will never have a girl. I was so excited for a girl that I even bought leggings for the winter for her. I was ready for the good news and the technician just says, "well now you're out numbered." Sure, what do you say in a situation like this, but really...I already have a boy. I am already outnumbered. Math is math.

She also said that I should get a girl cat to help the count. I already have a girl cat and I would prefer all boy cats because the temper is so much more manageable. All-in-all, she was not the person I needed in that moment.

On the way home, I cried. I drove and wiped away the tears. I didn't want to go home and take care of my child. I didn't want to see anyone or do anything. I wanted to cry in a dark room by myself. Scary things ran across my mind about how I'm never going to be able to love this child. Part of me didn't care if they died. Whatever part of me is okay with that can be excommunicated for the rest of my life. I want this child, I know I do. I'm happy we're pregnant. I'm just sad we didn't have our little Marnie for the second time. We have to play the name again for a sex we very rarely agree on names for.

What if it takes years to get pregnant after this one...what if we're not as lucky as we were for this second child? What if I can't have Marnie...what if she never comes? I was going to be mostly content with two if we had a girl. Sure I want a big family, but I know having children is not up to me. I've learned through infertility that nothing is guaranteed.

I'm thankful...I know I am. My sadness in not having a girl is not caused by my sons nor is it related to them in anyway. It is not their fault whatsoever. I have to deal with my emotions and my disappointment...I have work through this on my own. I cannot and will not take it out on them. They did nothing wrong and they deserve all of my love and care.

-----

In other stories, my son is fighting sleep time and I don't understand why. He is tired but not over tired. He just keeps getting upset and crying before passing out for hours at a time. It's like he doesn't want to go to bed and he's letting me know. I just don't know how to fix this because if it were up to him, he'd go to bed at 6 and that's just way too early. We'd be waking up at 5 and that's insane. I just wish I didnt get frustrated with him being frustrated. He kicks his feet and bounces on my stomach. I'm worried it s hurting the baby and so I get stern and say, "Stop." He doesn't get scared, but he does get the memo. I know he loves me still, but I wish there was a better way than getting stern.

-----

Symptoms are still so mild. The baby moves a lot, which started towards the end of week 18. I was having terrible headaches, but those are mostly resolved. I take magnesium every day with my prenatal and 10 mg of aspirin. All so I don't have gestational hypertension again. I still would like a natural birth, but if push comes to shove, I'm not going to complain about a c-section so as long as the baby is born healthy and safe. I just want all of us to be healthy, safe and alive after all is said and done. I pray earnestly for it.

I feel like I've gained weight a lot faster this time around, but I'm also not feeling as big as I did before. I'm not watching as closely and I'm starting to maintain, which is interesting. The third trimester all leads to a lot more weight so we'll see how that goes.

I'm worried about weight loss and uterine retraction after the baby is born. Last time was shockingly easy and fruitful. I lost 55 pounds...but I'm just not sure my lazy self prepped my body in less than a year for things to go as smoothly. I hope for what is best and I'm trying to prepare myself for not getting the best. I just want the regular periods and ovulation again. I want the ease of getting pregnant again...I don't want another bout of infertility.

[barelynakedthoughts]

Based on a due date calculation for my last period on March 14th and a 31 day cycle, I am 8 weeks and 4 days pregnant right now. I have mild food aversions every other day and I'm only nauseated once a week if I'm lucky. Most times, I'm nauseated because I'm hungry...I basically have to not eat as much in order to provoke nausea. I'm bloated every other week. I get the red pregnancy face once a week, but otherwise... I'm perfectly normal. Almost as if I'm just closing out on the hormones from a silent miscarriage that I missed a few weeks ago.

I'm trying to trust the process, as they say. Each pregnancy is different even for the same person. In scared, though. I'm nervous. I want everything to be fine. I'm basically begging God to just keep my babies sade, healthy and alive. I'm trying to keep calm...I'm trying to trust that God has everything under control, but I'm struggling, especially before, during and after sleep. The other times of my day are filled with taking care of my son or doing other tasks. I keep busy and I minimally worry.

Right now, I just want to hug my husband and cry because I'm worried, but we have so much to do that I'm not sure there is time for a breakdown.

I meet with my obgyn this week so hopefully that helps my worry. Not much can be done at this visit because it's only the first appointment. No ultrasound, no heartbeat listening... just intro info and questions if I have them. I still have my packet from last time and the last pregnancy is almost short term memory at this point. So I'm not sure what questions I'll have... maybe just follow up ones from the ER visit two weeks ago. The doctor I'm seeing is one that doesn't necessarily have empathy. She's a "been there, done that" and a "do the tests" doctor... which is nice, but sometimes I can feel brushed over. I'll take solace in knowing she's been there for the big times in my life. She gave me the recommendation for setting the infertility clinic in our first pregnancy. She performed the c-section for my son. She'll now be the first doctor I see for the second pregnancy. Hopefully her streak of good things continues.

[barelynakedthoughts]

I'm trying to stay positive. Week 6 just ended and the baby should be the size of a blueberry this week. I have had barely any symptoms and it is freaking me out. I get glimpses of nausea or food aversion signs every few days, but nothing serious or long lasting. On Sunday, I got the pregnancy glow where by face turned red and hot, but that hasn't happened again. I'm also having the right side pain from last time where 2 inches from my belly button would have sharp pain and my whole right side from just under the rib cage down to my hips would have a dull pain. Not sure if this is because carrying my son on that side a lot or early round ligament pain. Maybe both? My husband and I are trying to avoid sex until we have confirmation to do so again...and after reading through my blog from last time, it seems like we're on pace roughly. I know every pregnancy is going to be different, but I am taking solace in knowing there is some consistency here.

I've been sleeping more at night this time, probably because I'm exhausted from taking care of my son and working as well. I even took a nap while he napped and it was amazing.

With barely any symptoms, no confirmation of a heartbeat yet and two weeks until my first appointment...my brain is a basket of worry. I've been trying to put the basket down and for the most part while I'm taking care of my son, it's going well. When I'm alone, it's a bit harder. I tell my husband about all of this and I think we're so busy that neither one of us have the time to cry about it...even though I know we want to. Even writing this blog post, it's 5am and I'm only writing this because I've found the value of rereading past blogs is more comfort. Comfort in consistency or rather familiarity.

So if we get pregnant again, I'll have two pregnancies to look back on. It's get easier, right? Does the fear learn in the third pregnancy? I don't know, but I pray I find out in due time (you know, after baby number 2 is born and we are all safe/ ready for growth).

My heart is scared... my brain is tormented. Yet, I'm really trying to focus on more positive things. I'm reminding myself that my symptoms didn't really start until 8-9 weeks in last time. I'm also trying to prepare for the very real possibility of not being very many symptoms this time. Maybe that would mean we're having a girl. Probably not... but I'm in the same mindset of "I'm just thankful we're pregnant".

We have only told my mom and twin sister still. Plus my one boss and our realtor... but we're waiting until the first real ultrasound to tell close family. Then we will be waiting until 20 weeks to tell anyone else. We're not telling anyone the sex of the baby again. We will be keeping that to our selves because we still believe in gender neutrality.

I talk about all of the future plans and hopes... and I just pray it all happens. I want to carry to full term and have a vaginal birth this time. If I can't, I understand and we'll have a c-section again. I'm praying my little heart out that everything just turns out fine. I just want our family to be alive, safe and healthy come December... and I mean all of us no matter how many that is.

[barelynakedthoughts]

Last week, we went to the hospital because I started bleeding and having abdominal pain, which are classic signs for a miscarriage. Turns out it was just implantation bleeding and severe acid reflux. Now I am 6 weeks pregnant with baby number two! We saw a gestational sac and yolk sac last week. Not heartbeat yet, but that's very common for the timing. The pregnancy tests were light because apparently high hcg levels can cause the test to malfunction. My hcg levels were reading at all most 6,000.

I'm not going to take another pregnancy test for this baby because it's not worth it. We are pregnant and I'm trying to tell myself that everything will be alright. We don't have a doctors appointment for another 3 weeks and then we won't have an ultrasound for another 8...time really slows down when you're waiting for confirmation of life! Fortunately, we're going on vacation so that will be a nice break - I'm going to try my best not to over do it. I'm worried for the morning sickness and other ailments because I'll be 8 weeks pregnant at that point. I've only told my sister and mom about this pregnancy so far because I needed their help for babysitting while we went to the hospital.

The hospital seemed sure that we were fine for now...just have to hope for a heart beat and a growing baby! I'm praying every day and night for this little one. I'm trying to rest in His assurance that everything will be okay. Breathe in. Breathe out.

We've also postponed moving so we're going to live in this apartment for another year while the housing market figures itself out. I'm not looking forward to three flights of stairs with two babies, but well...I'll definitely make them gains fast I guess? I'm wondering how pumping is going to go, too....I want to breastfeed for at least 6 months for this baby. A year is hard, but so far I'm doing it...I just want to consider my sanity for constantly being pregnant or pulling for 3 years straight. I'd honestly have it no other way and honestly, I never thought we would be able to have a baby naturally! So I'm just trying to count my blessings because this is a miracle.. again.

I'm nervous about taking care of "two under two", as they say. My son will be at least 1 year and 6 months by the time our second child is born. Based on my menstrual cycle, my due date is December 22. A December baby, just as I always wanted! The Lord is kind. Christmas will be interesting to say the least! My birthday is also right around there, too.

My husband and I are hoping for a girl, but we're also just glad we're having another baby. I'm not sure what we would name a boy, but just like our son, we'll figure it out if need be!

I'm worried that I'm too hopeful...I've spent most of my life setting expectations low so that anything else was at least better than I hoped for. I feel like Ikarus flying to close to the sun....I don't want to crash and burn at the sight of a lost baby. I just want to...for once, enjoy the happiness of being pregnant and expecting. I want to hold my children in my arms at the same time and tell them both how much I love them.

Oh Lord, I pray for all of our safety and health...let us live. Let us be a happy family of 4 or even 5 come December!

[barelynakedthoughts]

Eight months later and we're still going strong. Breastfeeding by exclusively pumping has become more rewarding and we've been incredibly thankful for the antibodies as we navigate the pandemic with a baby who can't wear a mask or get vaccinated from covid. There have been tough times -- teething times, sleepless nights, separation anxiety, going back to work...it's been tiring. I still get anxious and sad, but it's no longer related to postpartum issues. It's normal me now.

I love being a mother. I love my son and I love my family.

It is amazing how different right now is compared to our lives around 2 months and even 6 months. Life has grown, we are more comfortable as parents. Our boy is learning things and living life in gentleness.

-------

We're now at 9 months.

-------

My son is about to turn 1 year old and we are pregnant again...well I think. Im still exclusively pumping, but we are supplementing formula as needed. I'll be done in a few weeks and I'm very much so ready for the break.

As for the pregnancy, we have taken multiple pregnany tests, but the results keep getting lighter even though it's been a week after my first missed period. The first one was very strong. Made me think we were having twins by superstition! Since then, I've taken the tests later in the day so it could just be the urine is more diluted. This latest one was especially light but I had also just peed an hour prior so there wasn't much time to allow everything to be concentrated...or so I hope. I'm worried about an ectopic pregnancy. I'm worried we've miscarried...and we don't have an appointment until mid-May (4 weeks from now). I'm going to buy another pregnancy test tonight and retake it tomorrow morning, first thing. Hopefully the line is strong again and we're okay. I'll take solace in a stronger line for four weeks...especially if I start to feel side effects.

I'm also wondering since the nausea died down that we've definitely lost the baby. Maybe that was just implantation nausea like befire. I'm also not taking progesterone like I did last time so am I even able to nurture a baby in my womb without it? I don't know...

I feel like I'm overexerting myself since I'm now taking care of an 11 month old crawler who is attempting to walk. So am I just hurting the pregnancy?

I love being pregnant, but I hate the worry. I'm so tired of infertility...I don't want to go through that process again. I don't want to miscarry...I don't want an ectopic pregnancy. I just want a healthy pregnancy and I want to be able to accept assurance from God that everything will be safe.

[barelynakedthoughts]

It's been 6 weeks since my son was born. This has been tough and rewarding. We wanted this and we got it...but I can't lie, I've never cried or wanted freedom more than now. In the hospital, my son lost almost 10% of his body weight, which is weirdly normal even though the hospital makes it feel terribly rare/unsolvably dangerous. It's not good for that much weight loss to occur, but it is fixable with dedication.

When they told us about his weight loss, they brought in a hospital grade pump and a bunch of formula bottles. They instructed us to continue breastfeeding for 15-20 minutes on each breast and then to supplement 20 milliliters of breastmilk or formula. I was too tired and too new to this to know what they meant so I just fed my son whatever I pumped In addition to 20 mL of formula. I also didn't know that I was producing milk faster than the average 2-3 day mother...so we were feeding him way more than usual. It helped because he gained his weight back pretty quickly (almost 10 days after birth), but it meant more exhaustion for me.

A newborn needs fed every 2-3 hours. For breastfeeding mothers, this means 30-60 minutes of feeding (or more) every time. For formula feeders, it means 15-30 minutes of bottle feeding. For me in the hospital, it mean 30-40 minutes of breastfeeding uncomfortably because my son had difficulty latching (inverted nipples and possible lip tie) in addition to 15-20 minutes of pumping and 15-30 minutes of bottle feeding. That's almost an hour and a half for 8-12 times a day. My entire day was consumed and it was unsustainable...and no one told me how unnecessary it was until our second visit to the pediatrician for our weight check-in. The doctor told me that while it was impressive that I repeated this method for nearly 2 weeks, it was also not the only way for my son to be fed breastmilk. I learned from there about exclusively pumping where your baby only drinks milk expressed into bottles. Supplementing formula is still allowed if necessary.

Ever since then, I've been following a very strict pumping routine in order to increase my daily supply and provide for my growing boy. For the first 3 months exclusive pumpers are supposed to daily pump 8-12 times a day, which translates to every 2-3 hours. I tried this routine at first, but then found myself not being able to sleep or wake up in time. So once the doctor gave us the go head to space out over night feedings to 3-4 hours, I did. I now get anywhere from 4-7 hours of sleep every night when previously I was lucky to get 4 hours in a good day. We are very fortunate to have a child who is okay with sleeping 3-4 hours already. This isn't a natural thing for babies to just do first try, but it was for our boy...and we have been thankful ever since!

With spacing out my overnight pump seasons, I had to respond with more daytime sessions. This allows me to get some sleep, maintain 8 sessions a day and grow my supply during the regulation time period. This also translates to more nipple pain and more time-conscience worry. It's also a bit more to juggle 7 pump sessions in 10-14 hours.

-----

My son is now almost 2 months old. I am still exclusively pumping and finding myself lost. I am dedicated to giving breastmilk to him, which means roughly 8 pumping sessions a day. The little one is sleeping more at night so I space out the middle of the night sessions more and I'm getting a longer stretch of sleep at night before waking up to pump. My husband handles the feeding portion so we're very much so in this together. He has a lot to learn with child care, but he's dedicated to being there for our family and I appreciate him for it. We're surrounded by loads and loads of support from loved ones and the little one is still so gentle. Sometimes he cries for no reason, but this is expected and normal.

Yet even still, who am I amidst all of this?

I don't have much time for myself anymore. Sure, I'm the primary caretaker while I'm on leave and I don't have too much longer until I go back. Maybe I'll start to feel more normal once I'm back at work. Three months off is a long time and yet so short. I don't want to leave my son...I want to stay at home with him. Yet I want to work, too. If I could stay at home and not go in, that would be ideal. Then I could love him on breaks or whenever I need to feel loved to get through the day. I also wouldn't need to pump, feed and be the caretaker all the time. I would just need to pump in the day time and work. Then in the evenings, I'd go back to caretaking.

Notice how I didn't say "mom". No matter what I'm doing now, I am a mom. It's who I am and it is who I have always wanted to be. So now that I am a mom...why am I so lost? Am I lost or am I something else? I'm right where I should be...so am I discontented? How would I fix this? So now I wonder how I should come to terms with my life now...

I saw friends last week without our little one and I left that night feeling as if I didn't have enough time. I wanted more time with them but I was frustrated with responsibilities that I so earnestly want as well. It's conflicting.

I would never give up my son and I will forever want to take care of and love him...I am a proud and dedicated mother. Yet I'm also a wife who hasn't been able to have sex yet with her husband. It's been eight weeks and I just stopped bleeding so I should be ready soon, but then again...not one part of my body feels normal nor ready for that kind of experience again. Maybe soon...

I'm a friend, daughter, sister...I'm a whole human being who has not usurped all those other identities with my most important role yet. I don't know how to be all of them and I don't know how to prioritize everything so I don't feel bad about everything at the same time. I'm trying to learn and I'm trying to think in a smarter way, but I'm still so far away from an ideal acceptance of my current reality. So for now...I'll continue pumping, feeding, taking care of my baby and doing my best to fill in all the other spaces appropriately because I guess that's all I can do.

[barelynakedthoughts]

Wow, the past few days have been unreal. I last updated on Thursday in the morning soon after they had started pumping in pitocin. From 12pm, May 12th, until 5 am, May 14th, I was dealing with contractions. 41 hours of early labor and it only led to being dilated by 4cm.

I used a fitness orb, a fitness peanut, slow dancing, varying leg positions. Nothing pushed me into active labor. They kept saying to make it to 6cm and we'll be in the home stretch. The contractions got so strong throughout the day, too. I didn't want an epidural because I didn't want to do it so early. If the beginning took this long, can the ending really be that short? I wanted the baby in my arms but I knew he wasn't ready so I waited for him to give me a sign. (Note we can freely say pronouns now)

I believe at 10am on May 13th, they broke my water because I had made it to 4cm. It felt like things were moving so nicely! The doctor who came in at 6 am wa snot very comforting -made me cry. She gave me minimal answers and her visit was brief. Had I obtained the knowledge of inductions and labor that I have now, I would have been okay, but it was all so new to me and she was very curt after working her 24 hour shift. I wish she would do people favors and just not do those shifts. It would give her a better bedside manner. She basically gave me my first crying spell and I felt so desperate for four hours.

A new doctor came in soon after that. She reminded me of General Holdo from Star Wars, except I have no clue if she had purple-ish hair. Though Jackie, the nurse who talked a lot, had purple-ish hair. I could see it sticking out through her hair cap thing. Our room was always dark so I didn't really see much going on. Anyways, they broke my water and the contractions quickly turned into pain, pain and more pain. Not cramping pain, but pain nonetheless. I was on 2-30 levels of pitocin (whatever that means), and when the water broke, I was contracting every 1-2 minutes for hours on end. I breathed through all of them, dealt with the pain and kept my mind on the goal.

-----

I was thankful for the nurse we had the night before they broke my water, Shawna, because she knew how to just be there for me. When the new nurse came in after that terrible doctor visit, I wasn't all too thrilled cuz she talked a lot and overexplained things, but she at least made it very apparent that she cared. Shawna came back later in the evening, but she wasn't my nurse. She just knew that I liked her and she just wanted to help. It was a relief to have her there for a little bits she came in on.

-----

May 13th was like one last date day between Ryan and I. Besides the constant pain and regular contraction pauses, he and I just talked, hugged, watched Falcon and Winter Soldier, cried, laughed, and appreciated the other one being there. We barely got any rest. Though Ry was able to get a bit more than me, but not much. It was honestly a blurry of a day for me since I spent most of staring at focal points (the red light from the TV being turned off or Ryan's eyes or the up button for the bed or even this white piece on a red container on the baby's soon-to-be panda warmer). Im trying to write as much down as possible, but I know I'll miss a few things.

-----

As the day progressed, my energy level dropped substantially. I gave up my fitness orb life and I embraced bedrest for the first time in the pregnancy. Going to the bathroom was difficult and I was constipated. Stupid magical hemorrhoids that appeared two days before going in the hospital.

Those pesky IV issues got worse. As my pain increased, I had to deal with a 5 IVs. After the one in my elbow went off sixty thousand times, the nurse finally called the anesthesiology team to try another spot but with a deeper vein. She found it with an ultrasound, which was neat, and she had to really numb my arm to get it in there. It was the best IV, though. It really stuck in there and I only had minimal issues with the IV tower. Thank goodness because I was at my wits end at that point. Though Jackie ended up finish the IV and reconnecting my pitocin and fluid drips...she taped the IV to my hospital bracelet. So when anyone tried to scan it, I had to twist my arm painfully.

The one time, the food people came. I twisted my arm to have them read it, and they didn't even scan it....but we'll the damage was done. I had accidentally disconnected everything. The IV started gushing blood like a fountain and I just sat on my fitness orb with nothing much to do but hope it stopped soon...or that someone would come in. My husband actually had to go get someone because there was blood everywhere. All the while, I was contracting every 3 minutes at that point. So a fountain of blood just pushing out while squeezed my own legs. What a trip! The final IV sat in my arm up until May 15th...it was annoying to breastfeed with it in. I had to finish my toradol pain meds before it could come out.

-----

As the day went on, I kept contracting but nothing changed...at 10pm, they finally told us our options: more of the same or having a c-section. We were looking at a failed induction if we didn't progress to 6 cm by 5am, May 14th. At the point, it would have been 18 hours post my water being broke and the chance of infection would then steadily increase. I didn't take the news well and I cried. My night time doctor, who I had seen in the office and who is actually a midwife, was the one who broke the news. She tried to say it was natural to feel sad about this, but honestly...nothing was going to console me after here the word "failure".

Just like my sister, the pitocin failed. Before they officially said it failed, they did a pit rest (a 1-2 hour pitocin break) and then started the process at 2 levels again. We made it up to 10 levels before they called it at 430am. My cervix stopped at 4cm and there was no changing it. Though at that time, I had finally accepted the c-section. It was the right choice and it meant getting to see our baby sooner. We just needed to pray again for safety, healing and life...plus tell our families that I was having a c-section. They were wondering where we went for so long because I just cried for a while and asked that my husband not share anything until we were ready.

-----

The surgery was interesting. I wasn't really contracting anymore but I was exhausted, starving, shaking, and ready to be done. They wheeled me over without my husband so they could give me a spinal anesthetic, still no epidural. I sat there breathing in and out. Using yoga techniques to keep myself present and prepared for a flexible response. I hate the idea of needles going into my spine. I don't care about needles...it's the whole losing movement permanently issue. I need to be able to move and fidget to breathe calmly and react appropriately.

After they were finished, they slowly lowered me back. My legs went numbs and I started to shake uncontrollably. My teeth started chattering. It was if I was extremely cold so they put 3-4 warm blankets on me. I can't remember how many but I do know there were 5 total on me when all was said and done. They splayed my arms out like I was being crucified and I made sure not to move them beyond the shaking. I have no clue how long the procedure lasted but it was light outside when they were done. I believe it was less than an hour, but I honestly don't know. Time had become irrelevant yet so necessary by then. Time still hasn't recovered and it's been almost 3 weeks. (Note: I've been writing this on and off since the hospital stay.)

C-sections are weird. You're awake for the whole procedure and you can feel everything happening to you - the incision, the hands rooting around your insides for the baby, the baby coming out with their arms and legs hitting the sides of your open stomach as they leave, the uterus flopping around. There's just no pain involved.

When my baby came out, he didn't cry much, but when I heard his first squeal, my husband and I cried, too. He was finally here. Our baby boy was alive and well. A 7lb 5oz baby measuring at 20 inches even though he was a few weeks early. He was fully grown and ready to be with us. They measured him, cleaned him a little and got all his vitals while the doctors finished up with my stomach. They gave him to my husband to hold and I got to slightly touch the baby. I cried the whole time because of how happy I was. It was the most fulfilling moment and it was just the beginning of my son's life.

The surgeon was the OBGYN who recommended us to the fertility clinic three years prior, almost to the date. We had come full circle. She still has a weird bedside manner, but the whole thing was surreal. She did a good job and we all made it out safely. My husband was so nervous holding our baby. It was his first time ever holding a baby. I didn't want a c-section, but I was glad when everything was over. My legs remained numb for a while - a few hours I think? In order to graduate to the mother/baby unit and to eat, I had to be able to move my toes. It was a weird feeling to be able to move my arms and not my lower body. Around my incision, I'm still a bit numb there and apparently, I could be for a long time.

We took our first picture together and I look terrible, as if I had gone through pain for 3 days straight. My husband, the always photogenic one, looked great and our son could barely be seen. At least we have this family photo - even if no one else is allowed to see it. My body was still shaking. My shoulders were starting to hurt and feeling was coming back to my lower extremities slowly. They were prescribing me motrin, tylenol and oxy. I only took tylenol because the rest seemed frivolous. Sure, I was in pain, but nothing compared to the contractions and well, I survived all of that with just a tylenol here and there for headaches.

By about noon, I was starving by this point. It had been 30ish+ hours of early labor since I had last eaten. We ordered food (with some hiccups along the way) and finally got to eat when we arrived the mother/baby unit. It was then we started our four day stay of recovering, figuring out parenting, breastfeeding, and personal survival, and being interrupted every hour by nurses, doctors, consultants, social workers and who knows who else. I had only gotten about 2-3 hours of sleep in total during the 3 days of delivery. I matched this during the first few days of parenting, too. Even when I got home, I lived on 2 hours max for about three days straight. A week+ of no sleep really did me in. I was exhausted and finally got rest when I slept through a few alarms. Thankfully my husband took over that night because I needed it.

While in the mother/baby unit, our son had dropped about 10% of his birthweight. He was dehydrated and having a tough time pooping because of the weight loss. It was getting much milk because my nipples wouldn't stay erect while he was eating. Plus he kept falling asleep and it was hard to keep him demeanor.

A lactation consultant visited 6 times. I didn't like the first one, but then we lucked out with Renee for the rest of the visits. She was understanding and she didn't pressure us to breastfeed her way. She thought of different ways to encourage us and give solutions, such as a nipple shield or supplementing formula. Renee revealed that her oldest went through this as well and that it doesn't help when the hospital staff tells you how to do everything their way without listening to your needs. I commend her for her absolutely genuine care and reassuring assistance.

A few nurses were stellar (not Shawna awesome, but still great to have). Katie gave us our first few hours of rest. It also hurt his weight cuz I was delayed on the feedings, but she gave us swaddlers, extra blankets, shirts, etc. She also made sure to talk to us like we were humans and not patients who were leaving in a few days. Kristie was the first one to see me cry and she knew exactly what to do. She brought us the right sized nipple shield and flanges. She brought us a ton of formula. She helped ease my feelings of hopelessness transition into a sense of pointed purpose. The other nurses - Salimah, Anna, Natalie and a few others in the mother/baby unit were the best parts of the stay. Even if they all provided varying levels of care.

The doctors were too quick with their check-ins and I didn't really enjoy their presence. They had the best intentions but we felt like a mark on their checklist. I assume they have too much to do in one day.

The room was small for a three person family but large enough for everything we needed to do while there. Our baby had a little plastic tube of a bassinet with two drawers of storage. My husband had to sleep on the most uncomfortable couch out of the three he ventured on. I believe it was this one that he caught an ear infection from because he didn't use the bed setting. He used the regular couch setup because the bedding was slanting.

The bathroom was pretty big, though. I put many mesh underwear and large pads on in there. It's where a nurses used a perineal bottle on me and showed me how to use it. It's where I took my first post-surgery shower and found out my stomach was numb still. I liked our original room with the induction unit best because of the couch for my husband, and I loved the huge size of the labor/delivery room. The bathroom for the mother/baby unit was best. It was right next to my bed during a time when it was hard to walk. Plus it served as a dish washing site and a great place to rest from all the noises in a hospital.

I had a catheter in from the c-section and by the time they took it out, I was very hydrated. Peeing clear impressed the nurses who took it out - I guess it's the little odd things that make the day better.

My husband and I fought multiple times in the hospital and since coming home. We're exhausted. We don't fight often, but when we do, it is normally because one of us is tired...and well, we're always tired right now.

-----

It's now 6 weeks post delivery and our little guy is doing well. He's a tad under the weather (doctors says a cold), but otherwise he is 11 pounds and 22 inches long. He grows pretty fast so he may be heavier by now.

These last few weeks have been very tough and I've gone through a lot of emotions. It's a lot of work and we asked for it. We really wanted a child and now we're finding out how hard it is to raise one. Yet would I trade my son for anything? No. This shows how bad we wanted a child and also how much we are still willing to sacrifice in order to hold him for many more years. The birthing experience was not what I wanted, but he came home. That's all I prayed for...and it's exactly what we got. I can only be thankful to God for his life right now. My heart feels warm.

-----

This post took six weeks to write because I don't have much time anymore. Most of it was done while in the hospital, but some parts had to be completed or filled in afterwards. It barely covers everything that happened during our 6-day stay. It was a long and arduous time, and now we are met we an harder time of caretaking. Parenthood is so glamorized and I'm here to tell you how much it shouldn't be. The afterglow is wonderful and the heart fuzziness is neverending. No, seriously. I feel joy even when my son is crying and I don't know what to do to help. Yet, we paint pictures of cuddling babies and doing fun activities, but it's a lot more than that. Make sure you want a baby before having one. It's a lot of work to get to the time where they can take care of themselves alongside you. It's years of waiting for them to grow old enough to just pee on their on own. It's many days wondering if you're doing okay as a guardian. You just hope they survive your mistakes and your novice-abilities of taking care of a human life. As rewarding as it may be, you are forever changed. For at least the beginning parts, you will not have much time to do anything for yourselves besides eat and sleep, which is still something you lose and have to reteach yourself and your baby how to do at the same time.

I'm not complaining, just not being dishonest. I'd rather be open about my struggles than to sink in self-negligence. Sure, I probably have postpartum depression in a mild sense, but I am actively working to go beyond it. It's been tough to not have much time for myself, but I can't give up. I have to do this for my baby and for my husband. I have to keep going for myself, too. I owe it to me.

[barelynakedthoughts]

It's now almost 1am, May 13th. We've been having contractions for 18 hours and we've officially been in the hospital for 24 hours. They just started us on pitocin and we're still only 3cm dilated. Since the last update, we basically played waiting games. Waiting for a labor and delivery room to open up, waiting to start the pitocin, waiting to find out how far along we are and for my poor husband, waiting for dinner.

They told us 5/6 for moving rooms, but it happened at 9. With the room switch waiting, my husband mis-timed ordering dinner so my mom had to go pick him up something right as we we're moving to the new room.

I was contracting every 1-2 minutes from 12p to 12a so they decided to hold off on the pitocin. I was really hopeful to not have to take pitocin because I honestly would prefer a much more natural version of birth. My blood pressure has been pretty unremarkable besides a few weird systolic numbers increasing to 90+ sometimes so it's kinda weird that my body is making good choices now that I'm labor. I'll take it, though. I'm just constantly praying that we all remain safe. My dream is to walk out as a three person family - healthy, safe and alive.

They started the pitocin right while I was resting, too, and now I'm up. I can feel the contractions already getting more prominent in my front and not just in my back. It's only been 30 minutes of this drug but it works fast it would seem.

My husband is resting now but I know I'll wake him up soon due to pain. I hope he can at least get 2 more hours before I need him. I've always been a terrible sleeper but he really needs rest in order to think straight. I can function a bit better in minimal sleep (good for a newborn, right?) and well, I don't have much of choice right now for sleep.

I hope by the end of today, we have the little one in our arms.

[barelynakedthoughts]

We're still waiting on the doctor to come for the 430 check in before we get transfered to labor and delivery, but some weird things went down. They had to tug on the balloon every hour to see if it would loosen some more (symbolizing more dilation). It's been slowly coming out as they pull, but each pull causes menstrual cramps and bleeding. I feel like I have to poop like a regular first day of periods and it's hard to sit down. So I've been standing more and that cause baby issues.

After they pull, I immediately ask to go to the bathroom. I sit there without anything coming out besides blood from the balloon catheter tube, which let's my blood slowly drip on the floor. So pleasant. I hate cramping. So eventually they realize I need fluids because I'm dehydrated. They prepped my IV and the cramps really went away. I felt like a new person!

Soon afterward, though, the baby's heart rate went up along with my blood pressure. We also noticed the IV wasn't going into my veins but rather my arm. The IV had fallen out of my vein and my wrist was swelling. Slightly panicked, we got the nurse to come in and fix it. Our new day time nurses are Jessie and Janey with the latter being good at putting IVs in. So for the fourth time, they stuck my arm in hopes of this one working, which thankfully for now it is. I have ice on my wrist that became swollen and my opposite arm is nicely accepting the fluids. My cramps has gone away and the contractions are tolerable.

[barelynakedthoughts]

1230 hit and the cramping began because they put a foley balloon in my cervix to start the quicker dilation process. The contractions are getting stronger, too. It seems to be going in the right direction. Hopefully by 430pm I will be 3 cm dilated. No matter what, the doctor said she would move me to the labor and delivery at that point to start the pitocin, which means we'll be seeing the little one in the next 1-2 days! Hopefully we don't have to wait 2 days but we'll see how life goes.

When the doctor stuck the foley balloon in, she did a lot better of a job getting in there, but I started to bleed. It was a strange feeling where the blood flowed like a spout onto my foot. It was cold, so I assume that was saline at first, and then it quickly turned warm. My husband said it was dark red when it came out as blood. It stained the bedding so they had to replace it and then clean my feet, too. At that point, the pain of the SNG from the REI clinic came flooding back. The cramping, the discomfort in my vagina. All of it. Thankfully it didn't pop! Well I guess there is still time seeing as the balloon is still in there. It's supposed to fall out at 3cm and i hope that happens soon. Contractions are one thing, but contractions and cramping are another.

I'm also experiencing what I assume is back labor. Right near my hips in my lower back, the pain is constant and doesn't depend on whether a contraction is happening.

I took tylenol in response to the cramping and it's helping. Not a lot, but it's better than nothing. It reminds me of being on my period. Boy, have I not missed irregular period cramping, especially the first few days. I'm not looking forward to dropping lochia and then bleeding beyond that. I hope it's easier than my periods because there will now be a little one to care for.

Still hoping to not get an epidural, but we'll see how the pain goes. If it keeps getting stronger, there may be no better option.

[barelynakedthoughts]

Now we wait until noon. My cervix almost got to 1cm dilated, but we're still not there. We'll probably get a third pill at noon because we're only getting tiny contractions. We just need to get to 2-3cm in order to graduate to the labor and delivery unit. I missed the touch of the first doctor to check my cervix...she knew how to ease in, but this new daytime doc is rough with her fingers.

After the 730 (more like 8a) check in, I was able to sleep for another hour and a half - bringing my total to 2.5 hours since I woke up at 4am yesterday. Gotta love it. Now I'm more awake, though, and I want to walk around, but can't because I'm attached like a dog to monitors for the baby, my pulse, blood pressure and contractions. My husband may play Scopa to pass the time some. What is time honestly?

Also, some weird doctor, might be our delivering doctor, popped in at around 645 and just had all the life in him while we sat here exhausted after getting 1.5 hours of sleep. He was funny and he reminded me of my marketing professor who had the same spunk and appearance.

Here's hoping noon brings better news!

[barelynakedthoughts]

The doctor came and examined us around 330am. I'm still so curious as to why they have people come in at such rough times over night. Anyways, she checked my cervix and we were only a dilated by a fingertip. They tried the foley balloon just to see if my cervix would let us skip the miso pill, and well...it didn't work. I jokingly blame their constant "just breathe" statements because I honestly didn't feel what they were doing. Their consoling words were just stressing. In general, it was a very relaxed cervical exam even though the doctor was really doing to town down there. #TMI

My cervix is positioned weirdly, hence the IUI working so well, and that made it difficult for the balloon to expand at such a small dilation. Honestly, Andrea even said that we really weren't dilated at all.

So now I've got the first miso pill working it's magic until 730a. At that point, the shift change doctor will come and check my cervix again.

We've got a while to go if the pills don't work.

I had two readings where the tocometer went up to 50 and 60. It didn't hurt much. Just a slightly lesser pain than the Braxton hicks from last week. They were also very brief. The pill is making me gassy and it's definitely causing the belly straining here and there. My blood pressure is reading fine it seems. Though, my head is started to get lightheaded from minimal sleep and limited water intake. Hopefully my blood pressure stays down.

Baby is moving a TON so that's been great to feel and rest in. The reader doesn't always pick up the sound of the heartbeat because he moves so much, but when it does, my heart is at peace. Sometimes the fetal heartbeat monitor will go red and that scares me, but it's really just because of positioning in my stomach.

The tocometer and the heartbeat reader, as cool as the readings are to watch, are the most annoying part because they're wrapped around my stomach. I'm basically quarantined to my bed unless I call the nurse, which makes the epidural fidgeting issue not that big of a deal I guess?

Otherwise, my husband is still getting some sleep in comparison to the hour I got before the doctor came in. Maybe I'll get sleep soon...for now, I will go back to staring at the odd light that shows my reflection.

[barelynakedthoughts]

We got called in around 10 and are now sitting here in the Induction Unit waiting for the doctor to come check my cervix, decide the process and say if I'm allowed to have water or food.

Thankfully we finished This Is Us just before heading over - phew! We also said good night to our cats with tears in my eyes because I'm not sure when we'll see them next. My cat always get anxious when I leave and it's been almost two years since I left him for more than a day. My sister and mom are coming to check on all of them every day, so hopefully they'll be okay without us.

Once we got here, we checked in and the nurses within the Induction Unit took us to our temporary room within 20 minutes. Super quick from what I was thinking based in our triage visits previously. They weighed me - showing I'm sitting at +25lbs for this pregnancy, which isn't terrible. I worry about the eating disorder and how it'll respond once postpartum starts. I've been prepping mentally and emotionally because this isn't one of those "we'll cross that bridge when we get there" type situations. Mental illness needs to cared for and not avoided.

Once weighed, I got changed, peed in a cup, and familiarized myself with the room. The nurses are Alexa and Andrea (main nurse). We also got a visit from Kandice, the IV pro, because my veins wouldn't cooperate for the blood draw. They stuck me twice and tried both arms, but my blood just kept to itself and refused to go in a vile. Thankfully that got all resolved because it means we now just need the doctor to come in before hopefully taking a 4 hour nap.

My acid reflux chose today to show its face for the first time in weeks...I blame anxiety. Seems to heighten it. It's been painful, too, especially since I can't have water yet. I just want to soothe my throat with cold water and happiness.

My husband, the skilled sleeper, is already conked out on the couch bed thing in the room. I wish I had his skills, but I unfortunately can't fall asleep on a whim like him. Hopefully the baby gets his skills and makes sleeping routines easier to figure out! Oh I can't wait to meet the little one...so close.

[barelynakedthoughts]

Tonight's the night (or so we hope). If we get the call, we go in to start the induction process. They're supposed to stick a cervical ripening pill into my vagina every 4-6 hours. Per our doctor this morning, she said we would do 4 or 6 tablets at max. Since my cervix was soft last week, I hope this means we'll only need 1 or 2. Who knows what my body will do? The doctor even said we could start contractions soon after the first pill even - how fun. After that, we start pytocin to get the labor in full swing.

My sister said she didn't have contractions for 3 days and she only dilated 2 cm or so. I hope that doesn't run in the family. Also I'm hoping they don't call until at least 930p because I want to watch the new episode of This Is Us tonight! Just kidding, but seriously...it would be nice!

A lot of people have asked me about the epidural and I'm still on the fence. I don't want to just sit there...I have such a tough time sitting still as is. Though, if my blood pressure gets really high and has the chance to regulate better because of the epidural, I'll take it. I'm not anti-epidural...I just want to do as much as I can to help. In no way do I want to be IV drugged, though. The doctor so non-chalantly said the baby would be sedated as well, and I was just not okay with that. So epidural is the farthest I'll go beyond c-section options, which I also don't want but will go through with if things get bad.

Honestly who knows what the next few days will be like. I'll try to write down as much as can, but I know I'll be busy. I like to remember my experiences with an in-the-moment journal entry so hopefully it works out.