barkhoffman - Tumblr blog

[barkhoffman]

Hello user barkhoffman will you be updating slap anytime soon I miss you

thanks for the well-wishes from you and the others in my ask box!

so, to be honest, I've still been really demoralized about this fandom in general. I love the movies still, don't get me wrong! nothing can take away my, like, 20-year-strong horror movie love. the fandom, though...

I'll be real. in the month or two I was active in this fandom, I saw SO much ridiculous drama (and am still on the periphery of it even now) that it put a taste in my mouth that it is not polite to try and describe, that's how rancid it is. all the "big names" are involved in so much juvenile, petty bullshit (despite major players being in their 20s-30s, if not older), that it just makes me not want to engage at all, lest I be swept up in some shit calling me transphobic or fatphobic or a ~proshipper~ (wooooo SCARY!!!! scarier than watching a guy's eyeballs get vacuumed out, right?) or whatever

maybe if people ever stop going at each other's throats for the stupidest "drama" known to mankind and certain people cool it with their petty hate campaigns, I'll be able to fall back in love with things enough to have my drive for SLAP and my other fics come back. now, though, I'm really enjoying writing for a different fandom that knows how to behave.

I know this sucks for everyone who genuinely didn't get involved in any of that bullshit! I really hate that you guys are basically being punished for other people's inability to act like reasonable human beings. but I can't force blood from a stone, and unfortunately, I can't find it in me to be passionate about something when I know it might just get me wrapped up in some bullshit feud instead of letting me relax, which is the whole point of fandom!

feel free to follow me to other fandoms if you'd like, it's honestly not hard to find out where I am now (BarkHoffman is just a pseud and not a username, after all). unless you're gonna follow me to harass me, of course, in which case fuck off lmao. but as for Saw, I don't think I have it in me just yet, sorry!

much love to everyone who's continued to give me your kind words and support! <3 hopefully I'll feel up to it to return someday, whenever that may be!

[barkhoffman]

I know it's only been about 7 hours since I last posted, but I'd like to thank everyone for the outpouring of support I've gotten so far. you guys rock, and I am so, SO sorry that I can't seem to work up the motivation to write right now.

in truth, there are a couple of other reasons my fandom motivation has been low.

first off, one of the things I've heard people were roasting me about was an idea I brainstormed in a small, private discord server, that I haven't even come close to implementing yet. I feel this is not only very bad faith, as there's no way to know how I'd execute the idea based only on my discord messages, but also a complete violation of the privacy I expected in an invite-only group like that.

second, in another, larger discord, I've been accused of making assertions I was nowhere close to making. it seems like so much of what I say and write is taken in the worst possible way, and that's not a fun thing to deal with.

it crushes me to know that the people I thought I was on good terms with are so two-faced. it makes the entire fandom environment seem unwelcoming, even though so many of you are truly so great. but if I can't so much as spitball ideas on discord without getting shit for it, let alone write my actual fic, why try?

I dunno. I don't WANT to abandon all the progress I've made. it seems so silly and stupid to let all this affect me even a little bit. I like to think of myself as a pretty strong-willed person who doesn't give a shit about fandom drama, because it truly is so petty and I have actual problems to worry about. but it's because of those actual problems that I just don't have the energy to deal with stupid fandom problems as well.

once again, thank you all for hearing me out and offering condolences. it makes me feel less alone and less crazy. seriously, it means so much to me to know that people are in my corner even if some aren't. I'm so sorry for bringing this drama to your dash. I hope soon I'll be able to snap out of it, but for now, your kind words keep me going. thanks from the bottom of my heart.

[barkhoffman]

rest in peace tumblr user barkhoffman 🕊🕊

I'm gonna use this ask I got to springboard an explanation as to why I've gone silent and stopped updating, so! here it is! the Discourse no one asked for!

it was brought to my attention recently that some people on twitter (a site which I no longer use and have not used for years because it is a cesspool) have been vaguing/insulting SLAP, which! sure! fine, that's your right! not everyone has to like what I create, I don't mind that at all! that's not why I vanished, though.

my issue with these "criticisms" is that they ended up insulting who I am as a person. accusations of fatphobia, transphobia, and ableism (among other things) have been leveled at me, and that's where I personally draw the line.

you don't have to like me. you don't have to like what I write. but when you call my moral character into question, I get a little bothered.

an example: some of the accusations include calling me transphobic for using the word "vagina" to refer to a transmasc character's genitals. for those of you who don't know (not that I should have to disclose this information), I am not cis. trans people are not, in fact, a hivemind, and the idea that we should all be ashamed or uncomfortable or whatever the fuck with our anatomy unless we couch it in different terms is actually rather more transphobic than using a medically accurate term to refer to a person's genitals during a smut scene -- a scene which is written from the third-person limited perspective of a 48-year-old cis man who is unfamiliar with transgender issues, so even if it WAS universally offensive to call a vagina a vagina, it would still be in-character.

the thing is, in-character observations, speech, and thoughts are not actually a universal indicator of the author's identity or beliefs. things that you dislike or that make you feel uncomfortable are not automatically morally impure, and you don't have to reach for reasons to say the creator is a bigot because you don't agree with how they portrayed things.

(there's also something to be said about the inherent colonialist racism in the transmed viewpoints that lend to "transmascs shouldn't ever have vagina used to refer to their genitals," dismissing nonwhite cultures with a rich history of third/other genders and gender euphoria. DYSphoria is not the only trans experience. furthermore, calling the word vagina "female-gendered" is a slap in the face to all of us who are NOT female who have no problem referring to our genitals in that way. idk man, are the arguably more gendered terms "pussy" and "cunt" REALLY more appropriate here? should I have used "bonus hole" instead? not sure what the solution is supposed to be.

anyway.)

I could go on and on and get into every little accusation thrown at me and how insulting and ridiculous they are, but I don't want to invite that level of discourse. this is bad enough. it is absolutely batshit bonkers that I, as a nearly 30 year old person, am sitting here typing this right now. it is even more wild to me that at least some of the people involved in this drama are apparently in their 30s as well.

listen to me. look me in the eyes. if those of you who have a problem with my fics expended even half that energy into helping actual real life people instead of defending the nonexistent honor of fictional ones, the world might actually get better.

I know, I know. it feels good to vague on twitter and pretend you're doing activism when you're trashing a small creator's work in a way that's very likely to get back to them. it feels nice to know you've "saved the world from some evil" when you discourage people like me from continuing their projects. it feels like you're making a difference, right?

unfortunately, you are not. I would advise those of you involved in all this to get well soon and mature a little bit past wrongly deducing someone's viewpoints via the fictional works that they create. there are happier and more productive ways to spend your time, I swear.

I'm not mad, honestly. I'm just sort of tired. tired of getting messages asking where I am and what happened. tired of feeling like I have all this bottled up inside. tired of fandoms that would rather stoke fake moral outrage like Republicans than, idk, go to a protest or give a homeless person a dollar or defend POC from your racist uncle at the neighborhood barbecue.

I don't think we as an internet "society" really understand the mental toll it can take on someone to be called things like fatphobic, ableist, and transphobic -- particularly when, in my case, I am fat, disabled, and trans. of course, being a member of a group doesn't absolve you from bigotry against that group. however, when these accusations are leveled based entirely on someone's body of work and not on their actual character, it makes us far less likely to create works, what with the likelihood that they'll continue to be looked at in bad faith by those who have some sort of weird moral high ground point to prove.

I really didn't want to have to post about this and bring the people who like my work down, but I think you guys are owed an explanation rather than silence. not sure if I'll post anything after this, because I'm really too old to be engaging in internet slapfights over torture porn movie fanfics, of all things (I guess I really spoke too soon when I called this fandom nice, drama-free, and welcoming). if my ask box gets too messy, I'll turn it off. idk. just wanted you guys to know where I've gone.

now stop telling everyone I'm dead

[barkhoffman]

being on tumblr is exactly like being in a saw trap

[barkhoffman]

[barkhoffman]

Pendulum trap

[barkhoffman]

[barkhoffman]

I don't have any excuse for this

[barkhoffman]

every time I see some shit like "uhmmmmm you have to reblog this/you can reblog this actually/smh that more people aren't reblogging this" I toss the post into the Saw bathroom instead

[barkhoffman]

i need this man in a way that sets the feminist movement back CENTURIES.

[barkhoffman]

so this is where I am now. drawing cunty eyelashes on middle aged men.

[barkhoffman]

saw fans that love ‘old man yaoi’ when i pull out the sexualizing tobin bell

[barkhoffman]

Make Your Choice

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[barkhoffman]

Please never stop writing 😤 you are a pro chef

can't stop any time soon what with all these ideas I got cookin in my head, do me a solid and never stop reading

[barkhoffman]

SLAP chap 17, my good bitches! plot be upon ye!!!

[barkhoffman]

gift giving