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basicvoltronblog · 3 years ago

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u can ignore this if u like, i just put it here to record that it happened

my family is actually super manipulative and i don't know how to deal with it. my mom is trying so hard to find out what my contracts are paying out or what my new meds are. and it's in a roundabout way and I haven't told her everything. but like, it's really rough. I don't know my way around it, she just got a dollar amount out of me for something that I said I didn't want to talk about yet (bc I hadn't processed) by complaining about why I don't trust her. idk like i fell for it. I feel like dirty though and incapable of protecting myself. I moved out to protect myself. I try not to ask for help because it ruins our relationship, later down the line, when they bring it up to mock me.

And like if I can't protect myself from some of my families worst instincts I'm going to ruin our relationship. they can't actually do better by themselves. they've made progress to break the cycle of abuse but just the other day my dad tried to reassure me that 95% of the time that physical discipline (abuse) happens to a kid it's fine but that the 5% where it's not -- nullifies it. Which is progress -- to him. They weren't so bad with me but my dad's mother held his head under the bathtub when she got angry at him. She was also a good woman. My mom has 100% hit me and her whole facade falls away and she starts sneering (but never where white people can see) and telling me 'well that time you deserved it'.

But they're in family therapy saying im over-sensitive and reading into things. If i bring up to that white therapist that they hit me and my sister (who doesn't care and thinks it's okay and has also hit me) they're going to get angry that i broke the illusion they were performing for this white guy.

I didn't want her to know about my money and now she knows about my money. She 'won't do anything with it' but the point is she knows it now. just like she knew my internet history, and my gps location and my schedule and told lies to the mothers of my friends. The point is that she holds secrets that she isn't supposed to know in a state of pre-ordained benevolence but the first wrong step she'll weaponize it. The point is that I think that she withdraws offers for help, even in attitude, after I accept because she prefers for me to not have a car (my whole family has expressed this) because I can't be trusted to live on my own and pay rent

I don't want to talk about this or negotiate this. I need people to stop guilting me when i say no. She got another piece of private information out of me and I feel dirty.

#m #p/l/e/a/s/e/ d/o/n/t/ r/ebl/o/g/

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basicvoltronblog · 4 years ago

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