basisforcomparison

[basisforcomparison]

to update this- I didn’t have to get a roommate. still at the best I will get though. still want to lose weight. but me and the frenchie. living alone in nyc. that’s us. 

It’s an interesting feeling to know I’m at the best I will get. Me and my frenchie. Will never have a boyfriend… or husband. Will never have a baby. Maybe I’ll lose more weight. But. Maybe not. I’m going to have to have a roommate in 8 months. I’m never going to be a mom. No one will ever love me. I believed so much in someone loving me once. He was a liar. And no one has or will gotten my attention since. I’m tired.

[basisforcomparison]

“You can’t just switch off your feelings because the other person did.”

— Sophie Kinsella

[basisforcomparison]

“Don’t let people with little dreams tell you that yours are too big.”

— Unknown

[basisforcomparison]

[basisforcomparison]

Friendship is the booze they feed you.

I feel this way literally every time I’m around any of them. I felt like a fucking rockstar on Saturday. And it was only perpetuated by these people I fucking adore. They make you feel like you’re the most important person to them. And it’s such a high. And it makes you feel like everything that sucks is ok for a while. And then they go about their lives “til the next one.” And it sucks bc at one point some of them were actually your friends and you actually had real conversations and talked often. Not just fast little reconnects and hugs and lingering eye contact that says so much more than you’re actually getting to say bc booze and people and crowds and time.

It’s silly British accents. And actually brushing the people they came with off to give you legit face time and catch up. It’s physical touch to make you feel like you matter. It’s not offering a selfie to placate a fan but actually having a discussion. And paying attention to what you’re saying.

Do they teach this in Hollywood? It’s so infuriatingly charming and I can’t help but just fucking love them anyway. Even tho “I’ll see you at the next one” is some arbitrary amount of time that we won’t speak between. But they’re right. I’ll be at the next one. Chasing this high.

[basisforcomparison]

Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?

[basisforcomparison]

I’m having such mixed emotions regarding the death of my friend Tim and I don’t know how to properly express it because I’m sure that some of what I would say would be offensive to someone but it’s unrealistic to Lake romanticize our entire relationship he was terrible to me often but he had a good heart and I don’t think it was ever entirely malicious that’s what happens when you’re an addict. But I’m having a really hard time processing and I don’t know how to do it

[basisforcomparison]

It’s an interesting feeling to know I’m at the best I will get. Me and my frenchie. Will never have a boyfriend… or husband. Will never have a baby. Maybe I’ll lose more weight. But. Maybe not. I’m going to have to have a roommate in 8 months. I’m never going to be a mom. No one will ever love me. I believed so much in someone loving me once. He was a liar. And no one has or will gotten my attention since. I’m tired.

[basisforcomparison]

It’s amazing to me for all the people I know… I don’t think I’m anyone’s like… friend? Idk I know that’s stupid like I know I have friends. But I feel like I’m an afterthought to like everyone. I feel like everyone I’m friends with has like their real friends and I’m like this fringe friend. I’m this extra person. I know people getting married. Having babies. Etc. I have no invitations to weddings or showers or anything. Someone I know moved back home. I wanted to see them before they left and told them so. They said oh I’m too busy. But their social media showed them out with their friends in the days leading to the move. So they were too busy to see *me*. I do have SOME friends who do. And I feel like they don’t know how much I appreciate them. And I fear smothering them with my love so I don’t say anything. But I tend to cling so those who are left I consciously don’t cling so I don’t scare them off too.

I have always been the one who organizes outings. As time has gone on I have cut a lot of people out of my life- or been dropped by some for various reasons. But like. People seldom just reach out to ke. Or ask me to hang out. Last night a guy I’ve known a while texted me out of the blue and said “thinking about you.” I was so touched. Because that doesn’t happen.

Mr Jones used to. He used to call for whatever. Or text. He was infamous for “this reminded me of you.” No wonder I loved him so much. Because he was the first person to show me love like you’re supposed to have.

He’s part of the reason I’m so alone now. People are sick to death of my heartbreak. But it’s lonely. Especially when I have good things happening. And no one to share them with.

I wish people wanted me around. I don’t feel like they do.

[basisforcomparison]

pretty real shit on this poster at our doctor’s office actually

[basisforcomparison]

The Suicide Squad (2021)

[basisforcomparison]

David Bowie

Labyrinth introduction 1986

[basisforcomparison]

I just realized that I’ve never actually been physically attracted to anyone that I’ve slept with. Like I accept sex with them because they’re willing to fuck me. What the hell? 😫

[basisforcomparison]

miranda x samatha quotes, sex and the city (1998-2004)

[basisforcomparison]

Definition of insanity I guess.

All I want is reconciliation with my person. And yet we’re going on 3 years of not speaking. I know things have changed. I know he’s got a lot of things he’s dealing with. But my heart still longs for him every single day. And I wonder if I’ll ever stop feeling that.

I put myself out there. I’ve begun hooking up again. I dont know why I’m sleeping with other men. I’m not interested in them. And yet. I like sex. I like being touched etc etc. but the next day I feel horrible and stupid and wish I hadn’t done it.

But I’m also like ok that was fun who’s next?

This is very much a tmi/journal entry type thing but whatever. I have sex with random men and my heart is still broken and all I want is the one person I can’t even speak to. I keep doing this over and over.

I just want my person. I don’t care about anything else.

[basisforcomparison]

i do love this cape

its just so flowy and looks fabulous <3

[basisforcomparison]