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[basquiatopicasso]

you dont see but ive been holding back 

trying not to let it all get into my blood, you inject me like heroin when i think about you 

the offset sprung in the back of my mind, am i not good enough, will i ever be good enough, will karma stop coming back to me for  the things i didnt intentionally try to do, all i was trying to do was think of the other side 

and now the other side got me thinking theres no way out, so i guess the only way out is the inevitable 

im a mess  

theres no medicine, you know the cure 

you dont love me, you dont even know me 

[basquiatopicasso]

Dear you, 

Somethings just never seem to fucking work. I have seen you in the depths of your darkened soul, I have seen you with your hands tied up to your back trying to whimper out the words that could kill me with a simple bite of a crisp second. I seen you when you tried to convince yourself to love me, when all you wanted was for me to be happy, irrevocably torn from the thought of being without me meant that you would be happy. I guess you didn’t think you knew what you had until it was gone. So baby, I’m sorry for running away when the trick was to give yourself some time to heal and come to terms of this little thing you call a world. I guess it’s time to come to the terms that these little predisposed games don’t proportionally work anymore. I guess it all comes down to the idea that we don’t fully foresee or pretensely see the past wrong-doings by the ones we once loved or love. So baby is this all you got?

I guess it’s better off for the both us that I am no longer proportionally interested into anything that you and your open arms have to offer because my blinded eyes have no way of distinguishing what is right or wrong for me at the moment. For all I could be to know, this is all an illusion, and that the next person is just you in a disguised body. Some things just never seem to fucking work.

[basquiatopicasso]

i comprehend

that one day the hopes and fears of growing up will be intwined with the hopes and fears of the end.  not the end but you know  what has the past done so bad to me to make me act with such uncertainty?  i fear the end but yearn the end so uncomprehendable that it makes me question my instinct 

oh im so emotional in times like this, when the state of my mind is consumed with lies, fear and utter disparity 

take me back to the time when i was wimpering my skin immersed under a waterfall

take me back to the time when i was laughing such uncontrollably that i wasn’t scared of the future 

tell me things will get better, tell me that my mind hasn’t just been playing tricks on me for the past 10 years 

tell me that things will be okay and you have nothing to worry about 

tell me that reading suicide letters is not a good means or a way of making you feel comfortable, maybe you should someone 

you, maybe you should see someone right? 

maybe you should just get out there, get out there? 

oh brother, where were you when i was screaming out for help, where is the government when you need the help and most of all why cant people read my mind? i’m so predictible it hurts me sometimes

i know when i have been done with the day and let down by yet another person i will arrive home, curl up in my bed and think of all the ways i could end this without pain 

sometimes i wish for it to come quickly 

[basquiatopicasso]

dear to the new you

look, its been a while and if you read these previous journal entries towards my past love, you would be scared   i’m scared to let you in, you need to understand when you play with my emotions, play with them with caution  sometimes i catch myself thinking about you when i am doing mundane tasks, but theres nothing really percuiler about you, it’s whatever 

it’s hard to believe that i am falling even more vulnerable for you every day we talk, every time we see eachother i fall for you every time 

i really do know how this is going to end, and it’s going to be on your terms because even though it’s too early to tell, i am already in love with you 

and thats the sad part, im screwed

just like my last love 

[basquiatopicasso]

If there is one thing I have learnt over time, is that things change at a rapid rate. Just because you sent me a bouquet of flowers does not mean I am going to come back running in amongst your arms. I should not have to wait on no man, nor woman. I am living a life depicted through my eyes, and I am going to do all that makes me happy, without the fear that you would even bother picking up the phone bringing me back to where we once were. I am not the same person anymore, and I am certainly not worth to the extent that you would fill your sobriety with someone that has only known you for a number of minutes over someone who has taken their time to know your flaws, imperfections, what makes you tick, what makes you scratch and most importantly, what makes you immensely happy. But it is true what they say, you do not know what you have until it is gone, and darling it is most certainly gone. I will save you the disparity of informing those stakeholders around you wondering why we are not together anymore, because if they found out that you put my life at risk I am unsure as to whether they will look you into the eyes the same anymore. You do not do those things to the ones you love, this is not some sick Shakespeare love story, this is no hallow of yearning love, this is no sparrow in the wind and this is certainly no pride through the depths of prejudice. This is something that will never happen again and I hope you gain prosperity from this, because when you do, it will set you free. It is also true what they say, people do learn from their mistakes, however, how many mistakes did I insist on letting you make until it was time to rip that unconsolidated band-aid from my forehead, along with the blindfolds sitting in the opposing direction hiding through the lens of the sense that you are over there and I am here. I will allow you to look through my life up to your own willing however when you sit there and tell me you have tried to stay hopeful in this moment I will reach for your hand and sit it back into your lap because I have always tried to point the finger elsewhere, but it doesn’t bother me to the point where I am crouching on my own two knee’s praying to a God that I do not even believe in undue to the fact that I needed to grasp onto something that would somehow make me feel like I will be okay. I do not recall you being there for me when all the love and hope drained right through me with the wind that swept through my skeleton, gauging out my eyes when the tears just became too much, walking back to my car due to the indefinite unhopefulness and disparity tying a knot into my soul. I wish you told me: “Feel free to be free if that is what you need.” Because that is certainly what I need. Through this is realise that I am all that I need, I can only create a projection of my own mind, and if anyone in my life is going to leave than that is the past and I will live in the present moment until it is time to go. If I had the chance I would’ve made it all work between us but that’s just what timing does to people and I am extremely sorry for the pain that you caused me, I am sorry for letting you consume my soul, my mind and my body. I am ready to be free, so please don’t send me any more flowers, rather leave me alone like you did from the start. You do not know what you have until it is gone.  It is easier to see what you have when you see what your neighbour lacks. Silence says much more about your character than what your words do. I always thought I would be okay, they cut ropes to set me free, so let me be free. 

[basquiatopicasso]

You have a real way of manipulating my emotions and making me forget what happens in the past, I'm done with you, and I may be done with a lot of people for a while.

[basquiatopicasso]

I'm sorry, but you can't cannot come back into my life after my countless attempts at making us a whole. I don't know, maybe it's timing, maybe we're just never meant to be together. All I can think of is the way you made me feel when all I wanted and needed was you and weren't fucking there. The fact that you have to use family as manipulation and tangling with my weaknesses by seeing you is going to get me back, I have news for you. You, ruined me.

[basquiatopicasso]

I recall mornings where I would cry because I couldn’t foresee the day ahead of me, I couldn’t comprehend what I would do for the whole day and how to get through it. 

Now my mornings are filled with procrastination and somewhat ‘okayness’ to it. It took me a while to say this, but really, I am actually fine. 

One day I will actually be happy, but until that day on, I’m always going to be a working progress. 

[basquiatopicasso]

Dear you, 

Today I was fine.  Thanks for asking. 

[basquiatopicasso]

Dear you, 

I guess the past week has been different. I never thought I would get through this, I never thought I could do it all without you.  But I did, you, taught me that in the end you don’t need anyone. 

I love myself. I really do. 

[basquiatopicasso]

Dear you,

You still jog through my memory almost every millisecond of the day, the only difference is... it hurts less thinking about you. It hurts less talking about you. Today was one of the often times where I just wanted to come home to you and lie in your big warm arms and just relax and talk about how my day went... but what’s different is I don’t act upon it. I still go from time to time ready to text you, however, you made your decision, we’re not going to work out and that is that. 

Dear, you. I still love you. Just from afar. 

[basquiatopicasso]

Dear you, 

I guess its been a few days since the last time we agreed on not speaking. I’m kind of worried about how bad this isn’t really effecting me. I’m not crying, I’m not really sad about it, I’m kind of...you know...relaxed. 

I wish I could get over you to the point where I don’t think about you every ten minutes of the day. But tomorrow will be a different goal, I will be hoping to only think about you once an hour. The next day and so on until I don’t think about you at all.  I still wonder what goes through your mind, do you think about opening up that text message and send me something? Why haven’t you asked me how I am? Why haven’t you come back? 

I should know my worth. Stop it. I should know my worth. And that’s not with you. I love you, and I’m slowly finally falling out of love with you. Only slowly though. 

[basquiatopicasso]

Dear you. Today I didn't cry when I woke up today. It's like God is on my side today.

[basquiatopicasso]

Dear you. 

When I came over today I thought things would turn out the way that they did. I knew that I would be in tears, I knew that what you had to say would be something that I did not want to hear. Just know that if you ever see me for the real me, I’m here and know that I loved you entirely. I’m sorry for trying to keep you into something that wasn’t going to work.  I love you, just know that. 

[basquiatopicasso]

I hate being here trying to be fixed. I hate the way people look at me like I'm some perfect person who's going to go far. Why can't I see that? Why is there a stump in my mind holding back of what is happening to me? I hate this so much, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, why can't this stop. Why can't this stop. Why can't this stop????

[basquiatopicasso]

Dear, you. 

I dont know what hurt more, 

1. the fact that you cancelled plans for the seond time on me or, 

2. when you cancelled i thought it was because you were still sick, but i guess i was wrong whilst carrying inside a bag full of remedies and mind stimulants you, told me that you were going to hang out with your friends, you, attempted to give me that shitty feeling sorry for me half ass hug, you, looked at me with pity, like i was that puppy waiting for it’s owner to come home only to find that they had abandoned them.

you, made me feel so worthless, and vulnerable. you ripped out my heart and never gave it back, every time you do this to me it gets worse and my actions turn into emotion, everything is fueled by my surpressed mind. i cant deal with this shit anymore fam 

[basquiatopicasso]

I just wish I had the strength to leave it at that when you walked out on me... Oh why did I come running back to you? Oh what was I thinking? I'll always come running back to you, and it's so soul diminishing.