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I may be mean, but I DO have empathy and sympathy.

Well, it's 5 in the morning and I'm wide awake. I was told not to respond to all the mean things people said about me on the internet, especially when I'm in an angry frame of mind, well I didn't listen. And it didn't make me feel any better. I erased them eventually. Now that I am in a calm state of mind and I've been taking my meds dilegently, I think I can explain my feelings without anyone getting too offended. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I can't force you to agree, but fact is this is how I feel. Sorry.

I deleted my Facebook recently. Writing my thoughts impulsively or when I am triggered was pretty much always a habit, starting with my Xanga in like 2005. It comes from extreme anger, dispair, desperation and just crying for help. I recently got kicked out of my band because of this habit. It reminded me that not many people like me and it's mainly because of my posts. People think they know me just because they read my posts, but they're wrong. So wrong. Then they think they have the right to spread rumors about how I am a terrible person. It happens so much I actually believe people when they call me a bitch, an asshole, an attention whore, trash and just an overall shitty person. Just because of my posts, especially the mean ones. I FUCKING HATE IT when people say it's not my bipolar disorder, I am just being an asshole. Well I'll tell you all that I take full responsibility for my actions and live with the consequences once I realize I'm wrong. Ask my family and my boyfriend. I can be an asshole when I'm manic, depressed or feeling normal, so I'm not gonna blame the blasting people on facebook on my bipolar disorder. I get psycho sometimes. Idk. But you all come off judging me like you have a PhD or something. NO ONE can tell me I'm being an asshole and it's not caused by my bipolar except for my psychiatrist and maybe my counselor. Not you.

Yes, I regret my posts that either blast people out of anger or expose my desperation and dispair. I'll admit it, I fucked up time after time. Consqeuently, I am embarrassed, humiliated and my sorrys don't mean anything anymore because people experience my bullshit all the time. My sincere apologies are outdated and I get it. These are the consequences.

I am envious, I am angry, I am insecure, then I'm cocky, I'm no role model. I don't want people to believe that what I do is okay. I take my own risk when I post what I am feeling, but I should write a book, not put it on facebook. People don't care and when they do it bothers them I guess because mental health is a touchy subject. On rare occasions, I have someone message me saying thank you for posting how I feel because they are reminded they're not alone. That makes me feel good. Imagine if I wrote a book instead? 😌

As for putting people on blast. I will carry that burden for years to come. I dug my own grave. My reputation is kind of screwed up here in the valley. Either people don't care or people are talking shit about me left and right. I'm aware. I sometimes get episodes of paranoia because of it. I go to a gig and I cant tell who hates me and who's against me. Who read my posts and who didn't. I carry a knife with me because I feel like people are out to get me. I'm always peaking out the window and making sure my cutians are shut. The anxiety is horrible. I wouldn't wish it upon anybody, not even the people I've blasted. So yes, I do suffer as a result of my actions because I have some empathy and some sympathy. I am not a sociopath. I have empathy towards people with mental illness. I have sympathy when I am not angry toward those I've hurt. I am sorry, but like I said, apologies mean nothing now. You could say what I've done is unforgivable. I understand the error of my actions. I asked a past psychiatrist (cause I've had many) if I have borderline personality disorder instead but after much evaluation, she insisted I have bipolar disorder 1, not a personality disorder. This means I have some control over my actions so people should not feel sorry for me. Bipolar is treatable and my 6 medications are working just fine for me rn. I'd like to try cbd oil one day though. 🤔

I am currently seeing a counselor about my anger issues. I'm working to improve myself now that I'm aware of my errors. I started out by deleting my Facebook, but I still blast a little on instagram but not as much I think. Idk. I will have to fix that. I want to be a way better person, mostly for my music career, my family and myself. If I fix it, I'll be happier. And who doesn't want to be happy? 🥰

Thanks for reading

Ileana xo💋

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Manic letter to my psychiatrist (Oct 30, 2018)

Written while I was manic last year, I am hoping to have people understand what goes through someone's head while manic...Here it goes: This is night 3 or 4 of having extreme difficulty staying asleep. I hate it when I talk about my hallucinations and people tell me they have similar things like that happen to them. I heard my phone vibrating constantly but I look and I know for sure it is just in my head but then my brain picks up radio signals sometimes and I am not so sure if that is all in my head or not-oh here it goes again- the vibrating of my phone. Sometimes I wonder if my brain is too quiet and I just hear extra things. I broke things off with my casual sex partner tonight. I told him the fear of rejection and abandonment is too much for me now but it wasn't the case before. The idea of casual sex with someone I knew was clean and that I cared about isn't your typical manic depressive behavior. Don't those guys just have sex with anyone without the idea that they could catch something? I am so sure I have thought this through, but I just impulsively quit my band that means so much to me one night and then got back together with them the next morning. It is easy to wish I would have stopped and thought about what I was doing- but the moment is full of anger and it's hard to think through the mess and scattered thoughts. "Calm down, Ileana" is always what I hear from my band mates but they don't know me well enough to know that aggravates me even more and makes things worse. Sometimes I feel like I am in a band with my little brothers and only I know what's best, but then they tell me im too hostile and call me an ass. I get it, my critiques are harsh but they are true and maybe I'd better get used to the idea that I am not always right, but I am so sure I am. They are lucky to have someone like me. I'm that good of a bass player and writer but then why do I feel worthless and terrible about myself a few days later if I truly felt like that? I wish I could be consistent but I have never been that way my whole life maybe I'm trying to do it but I am doing it wrong. It's been two weeks since I have taken my medicine. Since then I have lost five pounds. My diet has been better and maybe that is why I haven't been over sleeping or reached extreme depression yet, but I know depression is coming because I haven't gone to the gym and Im afraid of showering again. I am afraid of a lot of things. I can be laying down just thinking and trying to go to sleep (cause my mind isn't idle) and I suddenly gasp because the thought of me driving and being in a car crash just occured. The anxiety eats away at me and I start to lose control of my thoughts again and then I think of how I am going to embarrass myself in the future or how I already screwed up on something that hasn't even happened yet. It goes on and on and now matter how hard I try I can't stop it. I need deliverance. I am on probation for DWI of marijuana. Should be DUI but when it's a money game it doesn't matter. I am required to go to AA as per judge's order. When a newcomer was talking about his probation and how he drinks when he isn't suppose to be because he isn't being watched, another member corrected him: "You're on the paper, right?""Yes" he answered and then he responded "then you're being watched." So then all day today I've been making sure the curtians are closed because they could be watching. I'm always checking the windows. Everytime a new friend request on facebook comes I am always paranoid that it is my probation officer trying to stalk me. It is, in fact, rational, but it occupies my mind. I don't know why I have to make it known on social media that I am having an episode. I guess I'm always thinking that if I make my feelings public someone will say something that will make it better but most of the time they just say something to make it worse. "My advice is not to post such personal information on facebook, people can be mean" and indeed they are. I am just seem as a drama queen and time and time again my posts don't solve anything. Once the episode is over, I delete the posts and rationality comes back. I just get embarrassed everytime someone asks me about my posts in person.

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Hi,

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it is a long read, but I think it’s important to learn about this because it is a serious issue and there are more than a million Americans who are sick like me. This is the kind of thing you keep private, but when you hear Bipolar, you think of a list of symptoms you read off the text book and it can get hard to put it in context, so I thought I’d talk about my symptoms…publicly. In turn, maybe it will help you understand the disorder better and maybe help/understand someone you know who suffers from the disorder. Here it goes:

When I was twelve, I was a beginning piano student. I printed most of Beethoven’s sonatas and not a single sonatina. I printed Chopin’s valses. If you’re a musician, you’d know these are meany for pianists with years of training. I planned to learn all of them before I could finish Alfred’s book 1 for beginners. A week later, I realized it wasn’t going to happen, but I was more than certain it would. Task abandoned. Off to more examples: Who likes cleaning? I do! Well, sometimes. The house is in tip too shape when im high. Only I am able to clean the fridge, microwave, and reorganize the kitchen cabinets and still have time to scrub the hard to reach areas by the toilet. Dont forget getting all the laundry done and folding them-oh and putting them away in one day. Not to mention, the rest of the house is sparkling clean right before your eyes. Depression hits, my room is a pig’s pin again. Task abandonded. Next high, im feeling pretty creative. I have three songs in my head. Maybe two bads riffs and something id want to play on the piano. Out of all the songs i have written only about15% are finished. I abandon the rest once my high goes away. Oh wait- i meant “inspiration”. When you think of teenage girls, you think about how boy crazy they are, right? It’s pretty normal. If you would ask any boy I’ve had a crush on in middle school, I think they’d all agree that I was pretty impulsive. Confessing one’s love for another before actually meeting them can be pretty crazy. No wait- it is. Until this day, a relationship with a guy has been almost impossible or at least very difficult for me. I have sex with them way too soon and I always tell myself I won’t, because I want to make it work and I want it to be special. At a high, nothing exists but having sex with them. Guys will be guys, but they’re not to blame. They’ll take it, and me too, appearently. I’m never the one to dump them. They dump me. No one is gonna take a girl who gives it all away too soon seriously. Damn you, hypersexuality. You screwed things up with a potential bf again.

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Me, mimicking every guy who tries to hit on me.

Game of Thrones T-Shirts: http://bit.ly/1lvIRv0

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5 FACTS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WOMEN WHO SHAPED MODERN PHYSICS

Featured image: Austrian physicist Lise Meitner, who first developed the theory explaining the process of nuclear fission.

Marie Curie is the only person to have won Nobel Prizes in two different scientific disciplines.  First, Marie Curie won in 1903 for her studies of radioactivity. She shared the prize with her husband Pierre Curie and with the other discoverer of radioactivity, Henri Bequerel. Originally, the Nobel prize committee had only selected Pierre Curie — but he refused to accept it without proper acknowledgement of Marie’s contribution. Then in 1911, Marie Curie won the Nobel Prize in chemistry for her discovery and studies of radium and polonium.

Only two women have ever won the Nobel Prize in physics. Maria Goeppert Mayer won the Nobel Prize in 1963 for her model of the structure of the atomic nucleus. Goeppert Mayer faced a great deal of gender bias in her career: she had to work in unpaid positions at Columbia University and University of Chicago, where her husband was employed.

Austrian physicist Lise Meitner first developed the theory explaining the process of nuclear fission. However, she was overlooked by the Nobel Committee, who instead awarded Meitner’s colleague Otto Hahn the prize in 1944. Meitner came to be known as the “mother of the atom bomb,” although she refused to work on the Manhattan Project after fleeing Nazi Germany. Element 109 is called meitnerium in her honor.

Albert Einstein called German mathematician Emmy Noether a creative mathematical genius. Noether’s Theorem is a fundamental idea on which much of modern physics is built. Published in 1918, her theorem states that if an object has symmetry — i.e., if it looks the same regardless of changing locations or times — then this leads to conservation laws in nature. Says Ghose: “A simple example is a movie of the motion of a ball when you throw it. The motion looks the same if you run the movie backwards in time (time symmetry). This means that the total energy of the ball remains the same (conservation of energy) — the energy just gets converted into different forms as the ball moves. This is a simplified example, but the theorem is widely applicable and is a real workhorse of modern physics.”

British astronomer and astrophysicist Cecilia Payne-Gaposchkin established that the sun and other stars are all composed mostly of hydrogen. Payne-Gaposchkin later became the first woman to chair a department (astronomy) at Harvard. (source)

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Game of Thrones T-Shirts: http://bit.ly/1lvIRv0

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Warpaint’s Stella Mozgawa hosts The Spot

Stella Mozgawa is the drummer of LA band Warpaint. The former Sydneysider is home for the summer and joins you in the Double J studio with some of the best music she’s discovered in 2014, alongside some of the music that inspired her to join a band.

Monday, 29 December * 2:00 pm

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Warpaint @ Coachella 2014

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Millie Dollar.

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Warpaint at KCRW’s Morning Becomes Eclectic, 4/8/2014.

Photo by Larry Hirshowitz.

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All i want for christmas.. #isittoomuchtoask #alpacas #sodamncute #itsokihaveafarm by wildengineerappeared http://instagram.com/p/wxo9_JCVWs/

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My new sounds:

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My new sounds:

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Abbie Mac.