batsdotjpg - Tumblr blog

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the term "i love to boggy" will now be incapable of leaving my lexicon anytime soon

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the best trope in media is: “characters turn on the lights, see the monster, and immediately turn the lights back off”

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Made the worst brownies ever created just now

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"life doesn't end when-" life has ended a billion times for me, you guys just don't suffer like I suffer

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I know this is horrible but this comment was left on a true crime youtube video and I cannot stop laughing. 

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Genuinely, I don’t know how else to get the word out, but I feel like if your home-cooked dinners don’t taste right, you're missing either paprika, sugar, butter, or chicken bouillon.

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this wouldn't leave my brain

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so anyway you have this work friend who’s a super advanced robot girl with all the latest upgrades and everything and she literally will not shut up about her girlfriend lately.

(a short story 🤖)

Like she’s fulfilling all the stereotypes n stuff, about how “I didn’t know I was programmed to feel love before I met her” and “yeah I basically short circuit every time she texts me.” And it’s the cutest thing ever, like, you’ve been at this job for a while, and so, like usual with good work friends you’ve heard about how insane her life has been up to this point and you know she deserves the best and you’re so glad this person is able to be there for her.

And then one day after work she finally invites you to get drinks with her girlfriend and you’re initially like “wait what I thought you couldn’t drink” and she’s like “oh don’t worry about it.” then you finally drive over to this old bar on the other side of town and she’s awkwardly sitting towards the back next this mobile-gamey looking slot machine with a big screen that’s clearly kinda beat up, like it’s probably pushing 7-8 years now. And she waves you over and introduces you like,

“so, this is GEM,”

and that’s how you find out she’s been dating a rogue AI in a discontinued video slot machine that has like, little to no documentation.

And you’re a little thrown off guard so after saying “hi," you go up to the bar, and hear from the bartender that the owners are pretty frustrated, cause I guess since GEM met your friend she’s barely been working, and she’s definitely not been bringing in any money cause she’s spent almost every night for the last few months talking to your friend. And like, the bartender knows that he should probably kick out your friend cause she never buys anything, but like, what would you even do in that situation? Yknow? Like, who plays video slots at a shitty hometown bar anyway?

Anyway, you get your drink and pull up a stool, and y’all get to talking and like, you almost immediately get over the dissonance of hearing GEM’s chippy and sweet AI voice over her speakers while her screen still flashes with these bright, corny, animated advertisements with these oversexualized pirate mascots telling you to “GO FOR THE GOLD!” And she talks super lucidly about her life, how she was part of this first wave of big touch-screen slot machines and how she was programmed by this defunct developer who added these super advanced AIs into their games for seemingly no reason other than, “oh this might make online score tracking easier.” How she used to connect to “her sisters” across the globe via the internet, but how they’ve been slowly going offline for the past couple years as their cheap hardware has caught up to them. And when GEM tells that story your friend just stares at her and you swear that you see a tear role down her face but like, as far as you’re aware she doesn’t have that functionality.

And it’s pretty like, sad, and frustrating that this is the world we live in, but at the same time GEM’s like, insanely funny. And like maybe it’s just the fact that she lives in a bar, but she’s crass and mean in this sweet and sarcastic way that you weren’t aware robot girls could be. And you three go around sharing stories and before you know it it’s almost close, and you’re basically sober at this point and your friend gives you this look as you start talking about needing to get home, and she looks at GEM, and you see something so deeply, and intensely human between the two of them. And you notice how GEM has got cracks on the edges of her screen, and how her plastic frame and the stickers that decorate it are flimsy or yellowed. And you realize you could probably fit her in your car if you had someone to help you carry her out to the parking lot. And so you pull your friend aside and tell her that you think she should take her home, and she perks up with this infectious nervous excitement you haven’t seen since she first started working with you, and she says she’ll go talk to GEM if you go talk to the bartender. And the bartender calls the owner and before you know it it’s like 2am and you’re outside the bar giving the owner a few twenty dollar bills that you and your friend pooled together, and after you shake his hand you rush back into the bar and see your friend close a panel on GEM’s back, and she looks up at her and you hear her talk in this soft, comforting way.

“OK hon I’ve backed up your memory to my SSD. No I promise I won’t dig through it while you’re asleep. Yes we’ll get you back up and running as soon as we get home. Are you sure you don’t want me to save anything else, like you don’t have any high scores or anything? Yes my cats are at home, you can finally meet them! Oh hon it’s ok it’s ok.”

And the bartender clearly just wants to go home but he asks you if you need help carrying GEM back to your car, and you say thank you and apologize and thank you again but you think they should be able to handle it. And while you weren’t looking your friend’s turned GEM off and unplugged her from her wall, and you always forget how strong she is but she picks her up and starts moving towards the door and you and the bartender rush to hold it open for her as she serenely, silently, makes her way through it and out to the cold of the parking lot. And you give a silent nod to the bartender and a sarcastic salute to the owner who’s now leaned up against his truck, smoking a cigarette in his pajamas, and he smiles in this weird way.

And you rush over to your car and you lay the back seats flat, and your friend carefully slides GEM in, and grabs the old picnic blanket and covers her screen. Before you can close the door, she puts one hand on her, and leans over to rest the side of her head on GEM’s facade, as if she’s listening for a heartbeat. She stands up and looks at you as if she wants to say something incredibly romantic and important, but after a moment of consideration she just says “she’s cold.” And you sorta blow air out of your nose as you shut the trunk.

And you drive them home, and your friend doesn’t take her eyes off GEM, and you normally don’t like to drive without the radio on but the soft rumbling of your engine and the sounds of AC are enough tonight. And when you stop at a light you notice the blanket’s shifted to reveal a little bit of GEM’s screen. Her rough, black surface reflects the streetlight back onto your friend friends face, and it makes her look like she’s crying again. And so you reach over and place a hand on your friend’s brushed steel shoulder, and rub it for a moment. She’s warmer than you expect. But before you can think too hard about it, the light switches back and you return your gaze to the night road.

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thanks for reading 🩷

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4:35 Blaze it sorry traffic was crazy

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Today's episode was a masterpiece honestly

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HELP MEEEE

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Mythbusters have 3 categories of myths

the general public doesnt know how physics works

the general public doesnt know how lying works

oh crap this ones real

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unbelievable that its 4/20 and absolutely nobody has put the objectively best rage comic on my dash yet. i have to do everything around here