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[bbfanfic]

17.

[bbfanfic]

16. "If I could, if I could tell you About my longing for you, that grows like hair"~If You (Nu'est W, Eng.)

​I walk down the street to the pharmacy, resisting the shop windows that call my name thanks to the little money shouting in my pocket that I got nothing to spend more than for the medicine for a friend. ​​I walk into the right place and ask what's best for treating cold, then pay for that and walk out. I take a look at my watch. I still got a little extra time before the next class, I think to myself, so I stay window shopping and admiring all the luxurious jewelry in front of a expensive-looking shop. As I stare at the golden necklaces and lean a bit closer, avoiding not to let my nose touch the glass, I suddenly hear a familiar voice behind me. ​​"It's you again," Minhwan's cheerful tone gets my attention and I turn around to greet him with a nod. ​​"Hello, Michael," I use his American name. ​​I see his round eyes travelling down to look at the plastic bag in my hands, then focusing on my eyes with worry. ​​"Are you sick?" he asks and I let out an awkward laughter, shaking my head rapidly. ​​"Oh, no no! It's for a friend," I smile. I could tell him the friend is YoungBae but that’s unnecessary, I guess. ​​He lets out a relieved sigh and nods his small head. I can't ignore his small and cute features and gestures, wondering if he has ever think of becoming an idol. He would suit well as one. ​​"I'm on my way to buy some food as my mom told me to," he gives me a sweet eye smile. ​​"Would you like to join me?" ​​I take a look at my watch again and since I still got time, I nod as a 'yes' and begin walking beside him. ​​"I could get some banana milk too. To drink after dance practices," I say as we walk. He glances at me and insists to pay it for me. ​​"No, I will pay for it myself." ​​"No," he shakes his head and nudges my arm lightly. "My mom always gives me extra money to spend on candy since I was a little kid and, to be honest, I don't even like candy that much anymore. So, I've been saving that extra money for Playstation games and such. I don't mind using it to buy milk for a future star," he addresses me so sweetly and blinks his eyes a few times at me that I have to be okay with his offer. ​​"Alright, alright," I give in defeated. ​​Minhwan tells me that he's a stylist and actually helped to pick out the clothes for our teasers, although they don't show well because the pictures are only shadows after going through the edit but maybe the originals will be released later. I have no idea. ​​I encourage him to tell me about his mom he mentioned before and it happens to be that she's very sick and the fact that he's taking care of her, well… He is taking the scores home from me. I think it's nice of him to do. He tells me how he used to walk her by hand to a food market when he was just a small child and now he always does her grocery shopping because she can't leave the house anymore. I assume he's still living at home. And now he's afraid that he has to cut down his job as a stylist, being very lucky to get to work less hours but having to still work a specific amount of hours for him to get paid of course. It’s just that taking care of his mom takes him so much time, it's sometimes a real challenge. He's very brave and hard-working, I think to myself as I listen to his story. It makes me think about my mom as well and how much I wish that she would still be living and breathing in this world. ​​"Can I hold your hand?" he asks me, offering his palm to me. I look at it, pondering. I've been in the center of scandals before but the warm heart of his has gotten me in so much better mood. ​​"This is how I would go shopping with my mom," he adds as he stares at me with his button eyes and I grab his hand without a second more of hesitation. And he looks at our hands, then giving me such a precious happy smile I wish I could give it back. ​​​​In the middle of our shopping round, Taeyang calls me and wants me to explain what kind of medicine I got for him because of an allergy he has but I had gotten just the right one he had asked for. ​​And as I in the evening, more like at the nighttime, take a bus to get to his place and bring the medicine to him like a real savior, he thanks for it deeply. Tae is a funny-looking sight but so adorable too, depending how to look at him, as wherever he goes in the apartment he's carrying a thick blanket around himself which drags partly along the floor, not forgetting a box of tissues in his arms. His hair too is a bit of a mess, although still kind of on fleek after last night's partying. ​​He sits down on his sofa and tells me to come and keep him company for a moment. I leave my shoes near the door and walk to the living room, relaxing on the massage chair after a rough session of dancing. Tae takes a tissue and cleans his nose before throwing the pills in his mouth and gulping them down with water. He pulls the blanket up until his ears and makes himself look like a well-wrapped burrito. ​​"Poor Young Bae-ssi," I chuckle silently at the sight. "How did this happen? Were you at a pool party in the winter or what?" I grin but Tae just huffs at me and snffs. ​​"Pfft... I felt a bit sick last night already. I guess it's just this small break before next concerts that my body thought it would be a great timing for a cold. But I'm not pleased," his face crumbles as he says so and it makes me laugh a little at his misery. ​​"But at least you have a saving angel like me to fly you some medicine," I joke and gasp as the massage chair finds a good spot on my legs. It hurts so much... But in the silence, I notice Tae looking at me suspiciously. Just staring from the dark. I raise my eyebrows at him. He humms. ​​"How are you nowadays?" ​​And there it comes, the question I expected from him. I just shrug casually like I had nothing special to tell him. ​​"Maybe you can fool the others around you but I can see that there must be something. When you laugh, it doesn't sound authentic," he tells me and I stare at his bare face in confusion. My laughter? I didn't know he would pay attention to such a thing. ​​"Really?" I only ask with a slightly quieter tone than before. ​​"Mm," he nods firmly. I look at my legs momentarily and sigh. ​​"I guess I'm just tired," I try to avoid talking about it for my own sake but he doesn't leave me alone. ​​"Is it because of your mother?" ​​"Not really," I answer and admit at the same time that yes, something is wrong. I hear him pulling a tissue out of the box and emptying his nose before he continues roasting me. ​​"Just before you persuade me to talk," I stop him with a confident tone in my voice. "Don't pity me, will you?" ​​I raise my chin and look at him. ​​"I'm kind of done with that already. The whole company seems to have sad eyes on my back where ever I go because of my mom's death." Young Bae stays still, looking at me calmly and letting me do the talking. His throat must hurt too. I take a deep breath. ​​"I don't know if you've heard about my ex from Ji, or if you even care to hear," I shrug by myself as I settle better on the massage chair and close my eyes because it feels easier to talk that way… ​​​​"I wish I could hug you right now," a deep sigh escapes his mouth when I'm done with my story. I've cried a few tears, staring at the ceiling of his apartment. ​​"I wish I could hold you," he says again silently and I shake my head a little. ​​"It's alright." ​​"It's just not always alright, okay?" I hear his calm voice talking. "What's alright is to feel weak and not alright sometimes." ​​"Sometimes," I repeat the word he used. "But if I went the way and always showed my feelings like they really are, I would be weak and desperate all the time. It was," I breath out. "A big thing for me to let Ji leave the country. That's when I thought I had become crazy, literally. I started seeing a psychiatrist... And the person who took a good care of three kids including me with the little money she had for it, left so suddenly. And now this thing that is clearly my fault," I gasp for air as I start to feel uneasy again. "And that's not who I can be. I can not be a weak leader now. I must be a strong one." ​​And all I can hear is Young Bae agreeing to my words with silence.​

[bbfanfic]

News!

Hello, dear readers~ (If you still are out there!) I will be treating you with a few chapters. And if I find my motivation again, I will continue writing now. But we’ll see! I hope you enjoy the next chapters! ♥

Remember that you can also find my story from another site where the chapters and all the parts are more easily found! (I need to do something with my blog’s look in the future but this is the way it is now)

[bbfanfic]

Delay

I'm at the moment very busy with everything but trying to finish off this story and working on the chapters. I ask for your patience here. And as always, I'm thankful for all the people reading this story. Love you!♡

[bbfanfic]

16.

[bbfanfic]

15. "You can never go home just like this I won’t go home leaving you like this" ~Freaky (Hyuna, Eng.)

When I began my new life in Korea, never would I ever have guessed that I would start the day of my official teaser at the psychiatrist. But I had no choice. There was no one else I could have talked to, face to face. ​​ There was still Sara who kept texting me and snapchatting me like she had no other things to do. I tried to tell her that she needed to study for her own good but she said I was more important than a pile of books and that she had already done the major part of the work but how would I have known if she really had. ​​Also, on another day like this when I just tried to avoid too much socializing because the psychiatrist had woken me up to think that I should still try to process Joakim's death in my mind to be able to get over it as soon as possible, I happened to get lunch company from Taeyang and Seungri as they were visiting the headquarters for their touring stuff such as picking outfits and updating their calendars. The other members had different schedules to not to be able to attend those things at the same time with them. ​​​​Young Bae crashes his tray on the table first. I slurp in the noodles and little vegetable pieces before looking up at him. ​​"Jag," his valuing gaze looks at me as he pronounces the name clearly, the same style as the word 'swag', to get my attention before dragging the chair back and sitting down. He still keeps looking at me, his arms crossed over the table as he bites his lips together and squints his eyes. I slower my chewing, eventually giving up eating completely to ask with amusement in my tone: ​​"What's wrong with you?" ​​He looks at me for a while longer and then like waking up from his thoughts he takes the metallic chopsticks and stuffs one mouthful of food in his mouth, chewing well and swallowing before answering my question. I also eat a bit of my food in the meantime. ​​"The leader Jag," he humms by himself as he lifts up some noodles from his cup. ​​"Why is it Jag?" and slurps them in. ​​I shrug. ​​"I thought that I should have some kind of a name other than my birthname as there's also BaBo and OMG," I talk and take a sip of my water. Young Bae snorts. ​​"Yeah, the OMG... So funny," he snickers by himself. He seems to be having a good day. ​​"And, well, I have always liked cat animals. It was really the first thing that came into my mind when YG asked about something I like that could lead into the name. So, yeah, Jaguar. Jag," I shrug again and eat the last of the meal with a spoon. ​"I guess I'll get used to it." ​​"I thought you'd have a name that has at least some kind of a link to your birthname," he furrows slightly at me as he's chewing. "Something like Mianhe," he gives it a laugh too. I huff tiredly. ​​"Ah, yeah yeah.. I was waiting for somebody to say that. My name sounds so much like it," I nod because I have to agree. "But think about it. A group leader whose name is I'm Sorry? It doesn't sound like a very well-selling name." ​​Young Bae is having fun as he laughs again and I can't help showing off a small smile myself too because of his good mood. ​​"True," he agrees with a nod of his head. I drink my glass empty and I'm just about to stand up and leave the table when Seungri dashes from the counters to the table and grabs my hand. ​​"Minea, Minea," he flashes me a quick smile, begging me to sit back down before he can sit down himself. I sigh out of frustration, not that I really mind. ​​He looks at me with excitement in his eyes, Young Bae barely paying any attention to him but more to the food. ​​"Riri-ssi, what's up?" I greet him in a friendly manner and fake a smile. ​​"Jaguaaar," he begins with the same joke and his hyung nudges him on his elbow. ​​"Old one," Tae mumbles and bites on his bread. ​​"Aah!" Seungri sighs. "Why you stole it from me? ... I think the name is clever!" he turns to look at me again and nods eagerly. ​​"Really?" I lean on my elbow and yawn a little. "It is! It just slips out of your tongue, you know... And Jaguars are beautiful animals. They have big teeth! They can rip a man to death with those," he suddenly gives me a suspicious side-eye and I just stare at him confused. ​​He laughs at his own jokes again and continues: ​​"And the cars too. They're pretty. Oh, so pretty," Seungri sighs out of bliss, falling into deep thoughts with a loving expression glowing on his face. Tae nudges him again to make the Earth call for him. ​​"He's been talking about cars the whole week," Young Bae explains to me and then glances at his friend. "Aren't you gonna buy one soon if you want it so badly?" ​​"I will buy it today. I just need to decide between a few models but I'll let the car seller talk me over. All of the models are very good, so so sexy, especially the one I--," Taeyang nudges Seungri the third time and makes his enthusiastic tone drop into a groan. "Are you talking about the car models or the girls sitting on them?" he quirks an eyebrow. "Well..."​​​​ ​​"Leader Jag propably doesn't care much about your stories," Tae notes and continues eating. ​​"Oh, right," Seungri scratches his nape in embarrassment. "But we got something to ask you." ​​I look at them both, question marks in my eyes. Seungri nods sith a small warm smile on his lips and blinks a few times. ​​"We should have a party for you now that your debut is around the corner, right?" I turn into a hesitating mess right away, not wanting to celebrate anything at the moment. I don't feel like it would be a good idea. ​​"I don't know," I begin. "I'm quite tired. It wouldn't be good for my health." ​​"But we're going to attend a VIP club opening tonight and I'm DJing. You could bring the other members too! I need to get to know them better," he grins at me but I just grit my teeth. ​​"They're just fine. BaBo and Mi-Ok are great to work with," I try to reassure him. ​​"But I got to prove it!" he insists, the everlasting enthusiastic smile on his face. ​​"I don't know if they would like to go either," I mumble and see Tae glancing at me like he would know I'm trying to avoid the subject. ​​"You should ask!" Seungri tells me. "Where's your phone? I should call them myself," he reaches his hand for me but Tae grunts beside him and makes him shut up finally. ​​"Hmh?" Seungri turns to him and Tae rolls his eyes lazily. ​​"Don't make her if she doesn't want to. Not every girl gets crazy about your DJ skills," he throws some shade on maknae and it makes me laugh a little. Seungri clears his throat embarrassed about Tae's comment and nods. ​​"Okay, okay. It just would have been nice to catch up and everything." ​​"Everything. Everyone, you're my everything," I play a joke on him as well when I stand up, quoting his words to end speeches and humiliate the whole group with his 'everything moment'. Tae chuckles silently by himself in the corner and I grin proudly, leaving the boys to finish their meals as I head to my next class. ​​ Somehow I knew to expect for Young Bae to contact me. I don't know how he can read me so well but I do admit that he feels the closest to among the members in this country. ​​In the morning when I crawl up from my bed, I see the message he has left and sit back down on the bed, wrapping myself in the blanket. But instead of asking for why I wasn't willing to join them to the club, he tells me he has caught a flew, asking if I could bring him medicin. I give a small huff at him at first when I'm still sleepy and not in my full senses but during the breakfast I start to realise that he asked me because he wants to have a chat with me. Because he sees through me that something must be out of place. Because he's always the one to see me at my worst times. And, basically, he knows me too well.​

[bbfanfic]

15.

[bbfanfic]

14. "I’m blinded by love You should be falling as hard as I am" ~Why So Lonely (Wonder Girls, Eng.)

A screeking gasp that can only be heard on scary movies echoes throughout the whole dorm as I sping to sit up on my bed, fingers clawing the sheets and sweat dripping down my forehead. ​​"Fuck!" I talk to no one else but myself as I stare into the mirror across my room. ​​"Did he kill himself because of me? Because of me?!" I ask out loud the question that has been driving me crazy the whole night, interrupting my dreams. ​​It doesn't take long as I hear a silent knock on my door and the door opens. I'm still frozen on my spot as Mi-Ok's face peeks between the doorway, his gaze full of worry and curiousness. ​​"Mineah?" he asks silently in the dim room and reaches for the lamp nearest to her. I quickly relax my muscles and wipe my forehead, making myself look just normal enough before she touches the light switch. She looks at me questioning and I let out an embarrassed laughter. ​​"Oh my... Did I wake you up?" I scratch my head. ​​"I just had a nightmare. Go to sleep, Mi-Ok! I will too," I smile as I press my head back against the pillow and see her shrugging. ​​"Okay, Minea," she laughs a little as she reaches to switch off the lamp. "Good night." ​​"Good night," I say and wait until she has closed the door just to take my phone and message Sara, hoping she would answer me but not being sure about it. It's almost five a.m. in the morning. ​​​​> Me: Are you awake? I hope you're awake... ​​Sara: We'll now I am, thanks to you. You woke me up! ​​Me: Yeah, I'm sorry.. I just can't get this thing out of my head and it's bothering me ​​Sara: This thing? ​​Me: You must have heard about Joakim... ​​Sara: Joakim? What about him? ​​Me: Aah... You were on the vacation, you don't know yet.. ​​Sara: ?? ​​Me: Joakim... Killed himself. ​​Sara(after a few minutes): I don't know what to say... How are you feeling? I wish I were there... ​​Me: mm.. And I wish I had stayed there instead... ​​Sara: But why? You're doing so great in there ​​Me: He did it for me, don't you think? Or does he have another reason? ​​Sara: for you? Oh shit..... ​​Me: I mean.. Ugh I hate this. I hate why these things happen when I really can't.. I really can't right now... ​​Sara: <3 ​​Me: I can't believe this... Fuck life... ​​Sara: Please, stay strong. Cry if you feel like it! It always helps! Ily!! ​​Me: Yeah, yeah... I'm an expert already... Could you find out what the reason was? It's a bit hard for me to do from here. And if he did it because of me, because of all the fucking years I knew he liked me but I was too afraid to say that I did not feel the same way and it prolonged and prolonged and then it just would have gone wrong. I didn't want to ruin the friendship. He was so kind... No matter if he hurt me. I fucking miss that idiot... If he did it because of me.. I'm a murderer. ​​​​Sara: Hey hey hey! You're not a MURDERER. That's horrible! I know you miss him and you can miss him. It's okay. I'm sure he didn't do it just for something like that. Maybe there was something else too. I'm still shocked, oh shit... ​​Me: I don't know.. He said that I was the most important to him. And I just left him alone. I knew he would hate me and I still did it. I fucking hate myself!!! I HATE MYSELF!!!! I BETRAY MY SWEET BOYFRIEND AND NOW I MAKE A PERSON TO KILL HIMSELF!! Do you understand how much I don't deserve a good life?! I... I want to run away again. ​​Sara: Shut. Up. Right. Now. And breath. If you do that then I will push you back to Korea. ​​Me: Yeah because you don't want to watch a fucking murderer like me either.. Can I just die too? ​​Sara: No!!! But because you need to stop giving up on things that you like just because you want to punish yourself. Do what you can. It's not the end of the world. Life will go on either way, no matter if you were sitting in the corner back in here and scolding yourself or moving forward and doing good in there. I don't know if you know but.. You have always been my inspiration. The way you can do anything when you put your mind into something is maniac. Because of the motivation I got just by looking at you I got into a high-ranked school. You're the best. And stop doubting that... ​​ "What the shit? This cat is ruining my clothes!" is a good way to wake up after a bad night I guess. It's BaBo whining about Mi-Ok's Minho dropping his fur everywhere. ​​"Calm down! Don't be such a dramatic woman," I hear Mi-Ok's voice snickering echoing from the walls. ​​Slowly I get my heavy body to stand up from the bed and change on some clothes. I take a good while in front of the makeup mirror to nurish my eyebags with all kinds of essences to make them go down as much as possible, finishing them off with a ton of concealer. I can't go and wash my face now that I look like a monster without a pack of makeup on my face, no matter if I got a pimble or two coming. A good leader doesn't give more stress to the members as they deserve, I repeat to myself in my head. I want to be a good leader. I won't show how I feel to become a burden for anyone. ​​The girls are checking out Mi-Ok's teaser as I emerge from my room and she herself looks at me in awe. ​​"Woah. Our leader looks so pretty right in the morning," she smiles radiatingly and, to be honest, I think her positive feedback is just due to a great teaser of herself and I got to see it myself. I take a peek at BaBo's phone to see the picture of Mi-Ok black figure against a colorful messy background with a letter N as to hint on the group's name. ​​"It's a pretty picture of you. You look like a character from anime," I look up to Mi-Ok and give her a smile. ​​"And your teaser was great too. It really reflected your originality," I pat BaBo's shoulder. They both seem to be slightly dazed of the odd situation, me just smiling peacefully at them and complimenting BaBo so casually like she had been my best friend all this time. ​​"Well," I take a deep breath and shrug, going to grab an apple from the fruit basket and my bag from my room before heading out. "Let's get going. We need to go and work hard for our bright future."​

[bbfanfic]

14.

[bbfanfic]

13. "Where are you, Are you busy? You popped up in my head I wanted to hear your voice" ~WYD (iKON, Eng.)

"You don't recognise me?" he directs me an adorable small smile with his eyes curling into an eyesmile. ​​​"You seem like a real world star already, Minea-ssi. You don't even care for your staff," he rubs his neck akwardly. ​​"Oh!" I gasp and grin out of embarrassment as I give him a small bow. ​​"You're part of the staff? I'm so sorry, I don't recognise all of you yet. I have such a bad name and face memory too, it always gets me in trouble," I form a fist and bang it against my head a few times. I realise at the same time that I have adapted some Asian gestures. The staff boy pats me on my shoulder softly and shows a wide toothy smile. ​​"It's alright. I was just kidding," he tells me. ​​"I do care for the staff though," I nod eagerly. "What's your name?" ​​He nods understandingly and says: ​​"I'm Minhwan but I'm also often adressed as Michael as that was my name in America." ​​"Oh, so you've been to America?" I keep showing my interest although I think I should be going, for I'm hungry and I don't know when the shop is going to get closed but also my thin leather jacket is not enough to keep me warm for long. But I want to seem like a good idol. I want to be the one who cares for the staff. ​​"Yes," he answers cheerfully and chuckles. ​​"But you should maybe continue where ever you were going, Minea-ssi. Your nose is getting red. You should not catch a cold now that your debut is around the corner," he seems to be very kind and caring and I like it, nodding at him with a pleased smile on my lips. ​​"Thank you, Minhwan," I say. ​​"I really should. I'm in a hurry as always, no matter how nice it would be to talk more with you," I laugh shortly and he just nods and pats my shoulder again. ​​"See you, Minea-ssi!" he smiles at me warmly for the last time before heading back to the headquarters as I continue walking to the shop. What a nice staff boy. ​​ The daylight turns into a dark night, a fullmoon shining above the sky with a million stars keeping company to it. I'm sitting down on a bench near our dormitory as I wanted to call my boyfriend before getting back to the dorm with the girls and after the call I stayed for a while longer, just staring at the moon, almost hoping to see his face actually reflecting from it. ​​"Can you see the moon? We're still under the same sky. I'm here with you," his words fill my mind. And it feels like warmth and sunrays on my skin. It feels familiar, safe. I'm safe. ​​I look down at the phone on my lap and unlock the screen to see the other number that has called me earlier. Anton, my little brother. I take a last deep breath out of bliss before calling my brother back. Jiyong just gets me everytime, I think to myself. He knows what to say to make me feel better about the distance between us. ​​The phone beeps a several times and I lean my elbow against the bench, pondering if I should stand up and start walking back to the dorm as I'm freezing so badly at the moment. But then Anton picks up and greets me. ​​"Hey, lil bro. How are you?" I greet him happily. ​​"I'm alright," he answers shortly and keeps a moment of silence which I assume is because he's doing something at the same time. ​​"So, what have you been doing? Tell me you're doing good in school like I told you to!" I nag and laugh a bit afterwards. But I hear only silence and a cough. ​​"Anton?" I ask for him. "Are you thinking about mom again?" ​​But he doesn't admit anything. Still I think it must be because of it. ​​"Anton, mom is with us still. She looks after us. She's not gone, you know that? We have to be strong and do well so that mom can be proud of us," I keep talking to the quiet line, telling encouraging words to him but I hear nothing as a respond. No sniffing or breathing whatsoever. I stand up and lift my sports bag on my shoulder. ​​"Anton, are you still there?" I ask and start walking down the alley. I give him time to tell me what's weighing his mind as I keep the line open, pressing the phone on my ear as I wait. I fall into deep thoughts about Ji again and a small smile lingers on my lips until I hear rattle from the line and Anton's voice sighing. ​​"Hey, sister?" I hear him begging with a silent tone. "Promise me you'll be okay." ​​I wake up from my dream world as I frown by myself. ​​"What are you talking? Of course I will be okay. I'm just worried about you..." ​​"Good because I heard today that Joakim has killed himself. I hope you'll be okay. Are you okay?" ​​My legs stop working first. Then my eyesight becomes blurred. My breathing seems to take a break. And all this in just one second. ​​"I.. W-what?" I mumble silently. I can't hear the world around me as the time stops right there. Why? ​​"No, don't say it again," I correct as I lean against brick wall momentarily to digest another bad news but can I? Can I really take this too? What am I anymore? Anton stays quiet on the line, clearing his throat. ​​"I'm... I'm sorry but I had to tell you. Robert said that I shouldn't because you have already so much to take care of there in Korea but I think it would have been unfair not to tell you." ​​My brain is fighting against the truth, not wanting to understand. I can only try to breath evenly. ​​"Mm... Yes, it's good that you did," I try to disguise my shaky voice into a stronger and more confident one. I don't have time to collapse now. Maybe I shouldn't tell anyone else either to not to make it too real for myself, I decide when I glance at the dormitory. ​​"When?" I just ask. ​​"It's Thursday now, right?" I hear his voice distant, assuming he's checking the calender on his phone. ​​"Yeah, Thursday. Robert said that his classmate had heard a shot on Monday morning. He lives as their neighbour," I realise Anton too being careful for not to pronounce my ex's name aloud and I'm thankful for it. I really don't want to think about him and his stupidity to leave this world like it right now. ​​"Ah, alright," I say as I open the door of the dormitory and climb up the stairs to knock on the door of our dorm. Anton gives me some encouraging words of his own this time as I try to hold in all the tears trying to push through. Mi-Ok opens the door for me with a wide smile showing on his face and I try to do the same at her as I kick the shoes off and head to my room for privacy, the call to be a good excuse for avoiding talking to the other members tonight. ​​I go sleep early. Dreaming about a black night, now one star more to shine in the sky.​

[bbfanfic]

13.

(if the gif doesn’t work: here)

[bbfanfic]

12. "I wanna hold your hand And show you the blue sky, I wanna walk with you" ~Because Of U (Monsta X, Eng.)

Mi-Ok got back the next morning. It felt a bit akward because I didn't know how she would react. But it all ended up well. She didn't want us to fight. She didn't blame either of us. Actually she was happy. ​​"It's so nice to see you two getting along," she smiles widely as she looks at me and BaBo sitting next to each other at the counter. We both change glances and then smile a bit at our Mi-Ok. We know we are not in that good manners but we had both been worried about her so I guess it did bond us a bit. Or at least it now looks like it did. ​​"I just hope that you'll get better. And don't be afraid to tell us. I will help you as much as I can and... I'm sure BaBo will too," I say to Mi-Ok and from the corner of my eye I see BaBo nodding slightly for an agreement and taking a deep breath. ​​"We are a group now after all," she begins a little nervously with her deep tone. "We should help each other." ​​A small satisfied half-smirk shows on my face. Maybe she's finally willing to fit in. Even if she only tries, that will do. ​​ We leave together for rehearsals for our debut schedules. It still sounds magical. Debut. The QNS's debut. That's the name I heard Cecily using when I eavesdropped behind a corner while she was talking to one of the managers. They discussed the organization of the showcases we are supposed to hold soon. Now that I look back and think about it, I have trained hard. I'm that kind of a person that when I put my mind into something nothing can stop me from becoming the best that I can be. And that's lucky for YG. Even if I was talented in every way, what I still don't think I am that much, if I wasn't this determined the schedules for the debut of the group would have been in trouble because of me. But Hyun Suk saw something in me and that if something is amazing. ​​ "It wasn't far that I didn't break my leg," I grin at Mi-Ok, showing both amusement and pain as I massage my ankle a bit before pulling thigh-high boots on. She scolds me for trying too hard at the dance practices and I nod embarrassed. I should know how to be careful enough because we really don't have time for any more sickness and delays. The people are waiting for new idols with drool down their chin, or at least that's what Cecily said to me one day. When an idol group disbands or they don't do well, their fans easily ditch them and move to stan another group which is sad but of course understandable too on some level. If an interesting new group debuts just at the time when someone's favorite group is not active, maybe having holiday from their busy schedules, that person may start getting more and more into the new group and eventually forgets his favorites. Nothing lasts forever and that's why you either have balanced schedules for a long period and some activity going on all the time, or you work your ass off until you're thirty and ready to give up and die because you're exhausted both mentally and physically. ​​ Although my leg hurts, I'm in a good mood when I leave the dance studio and walk towards the front doors and into the cold air. ​​Winter is really coming, I think to myself as I feel my nose freezing so that I have to pull my scarf over it. I have cosmetics to buy and the shop I'm looking for shouldn't be that many blocks away from the headquarters, so I decide to take a walk since it's also good for the muscles after working out. Somehow I feel very positive and happy as I watch the people passing by, some of them answering to my smile which won't fade away and I don't even try to let it. Good music is playing from my headphones I got from my older brother as a birthday gift. I place my hand on them, taking a deep breath as I close my eyes for a second to picture my home again. I think it as a happy place now. I have to, so that I can keep myself together. Suddenly just when I'm about to open my eyes again I hit something, or more like someone because it feels like a soft winter jacket. ​​"Ah--," I startle and stop walking as I look up and see a boy in his twenties staring at me with his cute brown eyes blinking out of confusion. He frozes on his spot for a moment, then letting out a quiet chuckle and fixing his thick square glasses. I frown as I think I might have seen him. ​​"Minea-ssi," he says and it seems like he knows me too. "You should be careful. Why are you closing your eyes when walking near the road? I mean... I'm sorry. But it's dangerous." ​​His small face full of innocense covered by the thick puffy hood and his brown hair sticking under his woolly hat seems so familiar, yet I still can't remember his name and I feel bad for it. ​​"Umm," I humm as I tap my forefinger against my lips. "I'm sorry but who are you?"​

[bbfanfic]

12.

[bbfanfic]

11. "I’m happy just the way things are So don’t give me freedom" ~One And Only (EXO, Eng.)

The taxi drives to the yard and I quickly pay the man before dashing out of the car and running inside the hospital. I find the right room quickly and push the door open. ​​​​There she is, laying on her big bed. It looks very big because she looks so small and fragile on it. She looks like she could break... ​​I get a chair and sit on the other side of the bed while BaBo is gazing at me. ​​"She's sleeping. Don't wake her up," BaBo says beneath her black snapback and looks at Mi-Ok. I look at her too and only now I realise how ill she looks. I can't help it. A tear runs down my cheek. ​​"Aren't you ashamed?" BaBo whispered loud enough for me to hear it, slowly turning to look at me with disgust. ​​"You didn't see that your friend was this sick when you were dancing on the pink clouds with your dragon boy. You two don't even look good together." ​​And I look away from BaBo. I don't understand how she can say such things in this situation. I stare at all the bags hanging from a hanger, attached to Mi-Ok with tubes. The silence is surrounding us. ​​"Is this the reason why she didn't eat at the cafeteria?" I ask quietly. ​​"She hasn't eaten there for a long time," BaBo answered normally this time. ​​"And you know those pills she has been taking?" she continues. I glance at her with a serious expression on my face and nod. ​​"They weren't vitamins." ​​"What?" I gasp. ​​"They were diet pills that basically just make the body to dry up," BaBo bites her teeth together and stares at our patient calmly, crossing her arms and sinking down in the chair. ​​"She barely eats anything. Only if we're present. And even then she says that she has already eaten so that she doesn't have to eat much." ​​I turn to look at the always so positive and cheerful Mi-Ok, now suffering in her weak body. ​​"I would never have guessed," I let out a sigh. ​​ I'm laying on my bed on Wednesday evening and finishing my lyrics when BaBo comes into the room. I write the last words down and then turn to look at her. ​​"Hmh?" ​​"Could you feed the cat? I'm gonna go see Mi-Ok because you don't care," she says silently, leaning against the open door. ​​I've been trying to be nice to her and I actually thought she was finally ready to live in peace but I guess I was wrong. ​​"Can you stop blaming me! If you yourself saw and knew about all the things you told me about yesterday, why didn't you do anything?" ​​"I wanted to see how blind you were and how shitty leader YG had chosen." ​​"You are sick! You could have done something but instead you chose to revenge me!? ​Although, at first I was very surprised of his choice too, now I am actually very happy that you are not the leader! I will go to see her at the hospital and I tell you to feed the cat if you want to show even a little bit of caring for others than just for yourself," I shake my head before dashing out of the door. ​​ Instead of taking a taxi to the hospital, I just take the bus that had just arrived at the bus stop in front of our dormitory and sit down in the back. I'm not even going to go the hospital because I went there in the morning but how would BaBo have known. I just decide to maybe get off near the YG building and walk back to the dormitory. I can't go back to Ji's apartment tonight because then BaBo would have another reason to say bad things about me, although I would like to go. ​​Or would I? Whenever I go to his apartment, I just end up laying down and wishing he was there. I forget to live. I guess I have had enough of feeling lonely. I have the members and I have many other friends too, which brings to my mind that I haven't seen the other BIGBANG members for a good while. I should see them. ​​ I flash my bus card and step out into the fresh and cold air. It's so dark it's pitch black. The winter is coming and so is Christmas. I'm excited for it because I it will be so different this year. Of course it will be sad because I can't spend it with my mother... She always used to make the Christmas such a great holiday for us. But I'm more excited than sad because I have no idea how wonderful it will be and whom I will spend it with. Will there be a Christmas Party? I really hope so. And I also hope that Ji would come back home then. And why wouldn't he? I see someone dressed in a brown coat and a black brimmed hat walking at the building's parking lot. He walks closer towards the gate and I recognise him. And for mt surprise, it's T.O.P. What a coincidence. ​​"Seunghyun," I say to him as he gets closer. He looks away from his phone, wondering where the voice came from. He must not have seen me from afar. Seunghyun looks at me and blinks a few times confused. ​​"You," he says in Korean and apparently trusts that I already handle the language. ​​"What are doing here in front of me?" he asks with the confused look on his face still. I laugh a bit. ​​"I'm just taking a walk," I say and he looks at my not-so-sporty outfit. ​​"Okay," he seems to understand. ​​"But what are you doing here?" I ask akwardly. Seunghyun's face turns pale out of a sudden and he coughs to clear his throat. ​​"You know, working. We work 24/7." ​​"Oh, yeah. Right," I nod. He looks at my poor oufit again. I didn't even get a chance to grab a jacket or a scarf with me before I left. ​​"But you should get back to the dorm quickly before you die. You know, it's cold and dangerous here at the nighttime," he warns me looks at the quiet bus stop. ​​"Should I make sure you get home safely?" ​​"Oh, no. You don't need to bother. Really," I shake my head and smile. "I'll be just fine." ​​And then Seunghyun sees the next bus arriving and he takes my hand, guiding me to the bus stop. ​​"I'll do it," he says stubbornly and gets me into the bus and joins me. I sit down at the corner silently and he sits beside me. It's a bit akward for a good while, listening to the dull music. I lean my head against the cold window. ​​"Do you know how long it is to your dormitory?" T.O.P turns to whisper to me and I shrug. ​​"Yeah..." I look at him. "Why did you come with me? Aren't you afraid of rumours?" ​​There are a few other people in the bus as well but they are fortunately all elders and not very interested in us. ​​"What rumours?" Seunghyun looks at me confused. He looks like a monkey when he makes that face, I think to myself. ​​"Dating rumours," I whisper silently back. I'm so tired I have to yawn. ​​"What?" he laughs suddenly. "No... I'm so old. I could almost be your father." ​​And his answer makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. Or actually a lot uncomfortable. I look down. He is actually right. I am so much younger than all the members, including Ji Yong. I just haven't thought about it that much. Last time was when we first time hooked up and then I decided to forget the age gap because I thought it wouldn't matter so much. ​​Seunghyun sees my gloomy expression and leans closer. ​​"It's not that you are too young for me," he tries to apologizes for his words and smile at me. ​​"But because I feel myself so much older than what you are right now." ​​I try to smile a little, not so genuinely though. ​​"But you don't look too old," I note. He just chuckles. ​​"You are just at that point of your life I experienced nine years ago. You have a lot to experience in life," he pats my shoulder gently. I sigh silently and look outside. ​​"I thought age didn't matter..." ​​"It doesn't. That much. But if I was with you... You are my dongsaeng," he tries his hardest to explain me and for a second I wonder if he's trying to indicate something as if me and Ji were not compatible. I know that TOP is old but I thought that he would understand our relationship. I never even doubted that. It just ran around the corner at me. ​​"At least we would have something in common, right? The music industry. You could help me," I glance at him. ​​"Yeah, yeah," he nods. "But that's the thing. It would feel like I was your teacher and you my student and it would feel weird." I'm starting to think that he just wants to feel comfortable around me and is not interested in me in such a way but that is self-explanatory for me, so this really isn't necessary.​​ But what if he really tries to tell me something? ​​"Yeah, you can't get over it and I can't understand you fully." ​​I hear Seunghyun muttering something for an agreement. ​​"And I can't understand Ji Yong fully," I whisper against the cold window.

[bbfanfic]

11.

[bbfanfic]

10. "Past the rough times Now I want to fall asleep in your embrace" ~Once in a Lifetime (Tiffany, Eng.)

"Should we do something together tonight? All of us three?" Mi-Ok begins when we have sat around the table after cleaning some exces stuff away from our sight. Ba-Bo is laying on the couch and watching a movie, deep in her own little world. ​​"Mm," I mutter something as I'm staring at the screen of my phone and trying to hide my smile. ​​But of course Mi-Ok notices it. She leans towards me, close to my face and squints her eyes. ​​"I'm not sure but... Did Mister G-Dragon contact you?" ​​I cover my face out of embarrassment and blush immediately. I nod. I show her the message he sent me, saying 'Remember to eat well. Sweet dreams, my lovely princess~ xx' Mi-Ok grins at me and takes a deep breath. ​​"Ah! Jinjja! What to do with you two..." ​​I laugh happily and bite my lower lip. It's the first text message he has sent me in a long time. We used to only contact by calling and not too often. 'I will, Ji Yongie~ Take care of yourself <3' Mi-Ok pouts and leans back. ​​"So, what do you think? We should play games to get to know each other better. We have to get along well, no matter what," she looks at me first and then turns to BaBo's direction. ​​"Umm," I open my mouth first. She looks back at me surprised. ​​"I'm so sorry, you are right, but I promised to take care of Ji Yong's apartment. I'm going to have to catch the bus," I make an apologizing face and stand up slowly. Mi-Ok looks at me disappointed and I can see that she would like to ask me to stay but instead she tries to understand how I feel and just smiles slightly and nods. ​​BaBo lifts her head behind the couch as I get the key and my jacket. She glances at me quickly before letting her head sink back against the pillow. ​​"There goes our leader again," she says quietly. I just stare at her for a while. ​​"Would you have played some games if I had stayed?" I ask but I already know what to expect, a careless shrug of a shoulder. ​​"Right." ​​ After traveling to the nearest bust stop to Ji's home, I plop on his couch again and lay down comfortably.​​​​I'm staring at his name on my phone screen for a while, hesitating, before I decide to text him. ​​'What are you doing..?' I'm biting my lips and moving nervously around. ​​He answers: 'I'm dreaming about you, of course. :-)' ​​A wide smile spreads on my face and I grin. He sends me another just right after: ​​'But why aren't you sleeping already??' ​​I laugh. He does care about me after all. ​​'It's nice to send you text messages, oppa. Why didn't we do this before?' ​​'I don't know but we should have done that for sure. It's nice to hear from you. But why are you calling me oppa?' ​​I frown. ​​'Why? Should I not?' ​​He sends me an emoticon that shows embarrassment. ​​'It's just odd because you're not Korean.' ​​'But I'd like to be~' I reply and send him back an emoticon that's pouting. ​​'Please, Minea... B-) I like you to be just who you are and not trying to be something else. Don't ever change. Promise me.' And I sigh, rolling my eyes. ​​'Okay. You're right. But you are also speaking English and that's not who you are. You shouldn't change because of me either.' It takes him a while to answer my tricky reply. ​​'Haha~ But it's part of my job. I don't do it just for you' ​​'And using Korean is a part of living in Korea... But, okay. I understand. :-D' ​​'You know what?' he just sends me. My eyes begin to feel tired and it's hard to keep them open for much longer. ​​'What?' I stand up and head to the bedroom, fall on the bed. ​​'I wish I could kiss you right now.' And I scream silently, more on the inside than on the outside. But I smile widely. ​​'I wish you could too that too~' And then he sends me a kissing emoticon and I send him a picture of myself sending him a flying kiss with my last energy. And he enjoys it. ​​ The next morning, the first thing I do is to check the news sites. I do it because the first little teaser of our group has been released and it's about BaBo. The picture only shows a shadow of her and some little hints like "The Super Trainee" and "Everyone has been waiting for her". It's so modest like always when YG is involved. I laugh at it. The news sites are all writing about it and the comments are varieting. Some love it, some wonder where the other new girl group is and some compare ours to 2NE1, someone else to iKon and WINNER. There are a few guesses also who the trainee might be. If the shadow picture would have been taken from the front instead of from the side, BaBo's deathhawk would have pretty much told everything. It's her trade mark after all. ​​ At the cafeteria I try to find the other members but BaBo is just leaving and Mi-Ok is nowhere to be seen. I dare to pull BaBo's sleeve. ​​"Where's Mi-Ok?" I ask her but she just shakes her head and shrugs. ​​"She never eats here," she says and I frown. ​​"But I've seen her eating here." ​​"Maybe. But not anymore. Anyways, it's not my problem. Find her yourself. I have a class now." And BaBo walks away leaving me staring after her. ​​"Okay..." I mutter silently. I'm not sure what is going on but I'm taking it lightly. Maybe she went to get kimbap, maybe she was busy. ​​ I yawn so deeply as my head hits Ji Yong's pillow again and kick my shoes off over the edge of the bed. The day has been again so tiredsome, especially because of the crazy workout the personal trainer made me do. I get chills even thinking about it. I'm sure I will sleep better than ever. But before that I turn on my side to sniff the fragrance his skin has left and rubbed against the sheets. And I smile by myself, imagining him there next to me. ​​"Ji Yong, I love you," I sigh silently before yawning again and hiding my hands underneath the pillow, finding a nice warm position. ​​But then I hear something. It's my phone vibrating inside of my handbag and I'm glad that I realised it because I propably wouldn't have heard the alarm in the morning if I had just left it there. I lousily get up, yawning again, and walk to the chair I placed the handbag on. I dig out my phone and blink a few times before focusing my eyes on the name. ​​"BaBo?" ​​We exchanged numbers on the day we first got to know about the group but we hadn't contacted each other even once. I answer her call and frown out of suspicion. Why would she suddenly call me? Did I miss something? Or does she just want to shame me again? ​​"Is it you?" she just asks rudely but more quetly than I thought would fit the context. I roll my eyes and sit on the edge of the bed, crossing my legs. ​​"Yeah? It's me, Minea," I sound tired. I can hear her laughing sarcastically a bit and then clearing her throat. ​​"Guess where I am," she just says and I bite my lower lip as my face turns blacker. Did I really miss something? Like an extra dance class? ​​"Um, I don't know...?" I mutter. ​​"Hm," I can hear her smiling again. Don't play guessing games with me, I want to tell her. ​​"I'm at the hospital," she says and it makes me so confused. ​​"Hospital?" ​​"Don't you wanna know why?" BaBo's evil voice asks confidently. I lean my elbows on my knees. ​​"Yes? Tell me already." ​​A moment of silence follows and I suspect that she's hiding her laughter or something like that. But then she gets back on line. ​​"The ambulance took Mi-Ok to hospital because she fainted on the bathroom floor and I couldn't get her to wake up." ​​I don't know what my reaction is but I start shaking immediately. ​​"Why? Why? What the hell happened?" I yell and stand up, go to find flipflops to slide my feed in. ​​"You would know if you spent more time at the dorm, wouldn't you?" she keeps teasing me and it's just making me angry which is so unnecessary. ​​"Seriously! What the hell?!" ​​"Okay, okay. I'll tell you. But just for you to know you should learn from this..." ​​"Say it!!!" I scream loudly. "Which hospital?"​

[bbfanfic]

10.