bbyterese-blog

[bbyterese-blog]

I first transferred to the proud institution that is the Holy Spirit School of Tagbilaran a few year back in the hopes of earning quality high school education. My initial thoughts of the school was first pride and thankfulness that went beyond the brim of my heart. I was filled with child like wonder as I walked around the pristine white hallways complimented by the gray accent that was the floor. Four years ago I was o incredibly thankful to be here. But now, things are different. I have grown and learned. My judgement is no longer clouded by the mere feeling of “I’m just thankful to be here.” Truly, I am greatful for the opportunity that was presented. However, a sinple thanks with compliments attached to it are not enough for a good learning experience. Now, my view of what this school is will forever be tainted by the observations I’ve made during my last months here.

The story begins two months before graduation in the 12- SAJ classroom. We, the learners assigned to that class eight months prior were also assigned an adviser to facilitate over us through out the school year. She was a little older, middle aged most probably and had conservative beliefs which contrasted the values of generation Z (us). Due to her differing opinion that, for us, were out of this world. We grew tired of the same old opinions that were taught us that eventually, we just stopped listening. We stopped showing respect. And that was the beggining of the end. Witnessing this made me lose all belief I had in the educational system of Catholic schools that was supposed to somewhat produce better individuals; better learners. However, there’s always a silver lining to the story. Hope that comes around last minute. Despite the constant hase and confusion that we sit throughand hate, someone will always see us in the midst of it. Maybe not always but there will be times like that. There will be someone who will call your name as the anxiety starts to seep through and wake you up. For me, that was an angel. She was an angel.

Because some things are simply too personal to post on the internet for the whole world to see, this cryptic message will just have to do. Though the characters, setting, and actual plot may be a little vague, hopefully you see sense in the story that it is.

[bbyterese-blog]

As much as I try to commit to living a life I will not forget, a life not wasted, I always fail. At the moment, my life feels empty and meaningless. Mybe what I’m experiencing now is simply a phase— an existential crisis. But, maybe not. Maybe I’ll feel this way for the rest of my miserable existence.

Okay, that was too much.

Let me try that again...

Honestly, I don’t think I have an experience significant enough to make the cut. Not one story I have as of right now deserves to be called a “significant event.” If you asked me this question two years ago, I would probably get depressed and try to kill myself. But, the new and improved me of 2020, who’s slightly less immature than I was a couple of years ago would be okay with it and here’s why: the moment we open our phones to scoll through social media, 95% of what we see can either be of two things: vacation photos or achievements and accomplishments. This implies that everyone is living their best life through traveling abroad 12 times a year, graduating as summa cum laude, getting married, winning the lottery, whatever else it is we see people are achieving online. As we scroll through and see all this, we are made to believe that this is a norm; we are made to believe that our lives are defined by what we achieve, by being remarkable; we are made to believe that to make our lives worth living we need to be better than everyone else; we are made to believe significant enough to be worth it we need clear skin, branded clothes, and others. This is wrong. What we believe in and teach our children is to find happiness in the little things— that a remarkable, significant event in life can be as simple as something a part of your everyday routine.

After that cathartic essay composed of my observations about others with a tinge of jealousy, I now realize that I actually do have a significant event in my life. It was when my dad held an umbrella over my head at 5:00 am to walk me to the bus during heavy rain. I felt very loved then and only then did I realize how lucky I was and how ungrateful I was to only see the love that late in my life. Now that was something significant. Clearly, I have more to learn.

[bbyterese-blog]

I once applied for a job, therefore I underwent an interview. I was asked the usual questions with the last one being “Who are you? Tell me about yourself.” In most cases, this was asked first. Due to the chronological discrepancy, my brain probably registered it in a very different way. Different from what it’s initial, almost literal meaning was meant to ask. As a direct result of my incoherent and hysterical though process, my brain went rogue and instead of an answer that needed to be a professional answer that was supposed to get me a job, I got a creative and sort of outside-the-box answer and it goes like this:

Asking me about who I am would be a stupid question. You see, the Japanese people once believed that we have three masks that we put on. The first mask that we put on is for our friends and peers; the second to our family; and the third to ourselves. Therefore, there is no way for me to tell you who I am beause there are completely different stories in every side of me. Because of this, I cannot be completely honest. However, I would still like to answer your question. Charles Cooley- a famed American sociologist once said “I am not what I think I am, and I am not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am.” This is probably the most accurate answer I can give you in my desire of complete tranparency. To give you a little background, this theory also goes by the name the Pygmalion effect. Meaning, whoever I think you, and other people I think I am is exactly who I am.

Did you get the answer you were looking for?

I guess not.

And this is exactly why this is a stupid question.

However, let me try one more time. After you’ve read this, I now believe that you think I’m exhausting. All you wanted was a normal answer to a normal question so you could finish your normal job on this normal day, instead, I gave you a crash course on the theory that the self develops through social relationships and interaction with society. So, to give you an answer out of necessity, I’m exhausting.

So, did I get the job?

No?

Okay.