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[bdneiceme]

Changes....

Every year, at the end of the year, I always do a reflection of what the year has taught me. More recently I began writing Facebook posts, but 2019 taught me so much that I figured a blog would be much better...

2019, all in all, wasn’t a bad year at all. Uncomfortable? Extremely! Bad? No. I will say, it definitely wasn’t “my year”. I grew in ways that I could of never guessed. I hit record lows, but I gracefully recovered. And with God’s grace I’ll be blessed to enter into the last year of my 20s next week. So here are some take-a-ways that I learned.

1. Rejection is necessary. I can honestly say, my life has been extremely easy for the most part. The life I’ve experienced doesn’t hold a candle to some of my friends. It was imperative that I understood the string of losing, and constantly losing at that, so that I could appreciate how much life has been a breeze. I have seen more closed doors this year than ever in my life. I was angry. I was pissed. It was everybody else, and never me. It became a lot...It wasn’t until I talked to God that I understood that the rejection was protection. Even though the closed door looked like the end of the World, what was on the side coulda been way worse. Learning to take rejection and not turn it inward is an uphill battle, but 2019 definitely equipped me to better navigate those feelings. I’m grateful.

2. Love isn’t enough. With Disney+ shaking the table and having all streaming sites shook, it’s a good time to revisit a lot of our favorite childhood movies. When I was a Therapist I would refer to the “Disney effect” that many Millennials, in my opinion, are cursed with. We saw so many Princesses fall in love, go through trauma, but in the end true love prevailed. In my own opinion, we allowed Disney to romanticize some downright awful relationship standards and through some fairy tale music to it. And now many of us still follow under the unction that “true love” will always be enough. I believed it too, until it wasn’t. I found myself in a relationship this year that I was literally blindsided with. I ignored all logic and hanging out a few times a week turned into a year and half of complete and utter bullshit. Time wasted because love wasn’t enough. That little voice, the pit in your stomach, the lump in your throat...that’s not fear of commitment. That’s God literally giving you signs that, “This ain’t it Chief!” Listen to it ! If you start allowing it, you’ll have to continue to allow it and you don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve that. So I cleaned the slate. I pay T-Mobile every month for an alarm clock, but that’s okay. The peace I have is so much greater. I guess my first point goes hand-in-hand with this one. Though I felt rejected, I THANK GOD FOR HIS PROTECTION ! I’m grateful. P.S. Don’t become what hurt you !

3. “No new friends”. When Drake released that track I instantly caught an attitude. At the time, my new friends was better than my old ones and I didn’t get it. Until I did. I felt so alone this year. Not depressed. Just alone. This year I had to depend on me. I didn’t have the support that I desired, I wanted. I went through some of the darkest moments of my life alone. This isn’t a jab at my friends, but I had no idea how much I needed to be alone. I needed to depend on me and only me. I had to be isolated. I didn’t need anyone to try to sugarcoat the reality of me at a fork in the road. I couldn’t afford to fallback into the same pattern of things. Truth is some of the closest people to you will stunt your growth because they don’t want to see you grow, because what happens when they outgrow you? So they plant seeds by telling you it’s everybody else and not you. So while you stay stagnant, they grow, and eventually they’re the ones that outgrow you ! I thought I was abandoned. Friends that I thought I could lean on, I realized quickly, they were not my friends. Friends I had for years were now acquaintances. I was alone. But in those moments, I found me. I had the tough conversations about my own toxic, negative behavior, and in those moments I became a better version of myself. And now I’ve met me again. I’ve been able to meet people,and let my own guard down, who really do care about little ole me. I’ve rekindled friendships that I hindered, some hindered me. But all-in-all, I’m grateful.

4. The power of no. I give great advice. Like really good, but I don’t always listen to my own, but I do give it. I had to learn to say no. This year I felt so drained, until I started saying no. I really do think it means something when someone calls when they could of called anybody. But in the same breath, can you call them? Because of that little revelation I’ll tell someone in a heartbeat now, HELL NO ! Lol but serious when I’m not in a good head space, I tell people I’m sorry, I can’t today, we’ll have to talk about it later. I’m not losing my own sanity so you can process through yours. I’m not caring the weight of your burdens so I can weigh my own self down. I can’t. I won’t. Stress literally triggers so many physical responses that I literally started dealing with my anxiety again. Like can’t breath, gotta take a walk or a drive because I’m so overwhelmed, overstimulated. So I learned to say no. The attitudes will catch you off guard initially, but the freedom of ‘no’ goes a long way. My phone LIVES on DND 🤧 because I’m allowed to be selfish with my time. I’m allowed to not want to hear bad news. My spirit feels lighter. My mind stop racing, I was able to rest, all because I learned the power of no. I’m grateful.

5. Silence is golden. My mother used to tell me all the time that just because something needs to be said doesn’t mean you have to be the spokesperson. Earlier in the year I defended someone who I truly do care about. Ch...I got called everything but a child of God after I did it lol. It doesn’t matter what was actually said, because of my personality anything I say or do is always dragged to the 10th degree. So by the time I read through texts and phone calls, I was, yet again, the wrong one. But the situation taught me that because people already have so many preconceived notions about who and what we are anyway, why waste my time, energy and breath. Learning to silence myself and let things be what they’ll be has truly been a journey. I internalize a lot. Like a lot. I genuinely like to be liked by people. But this year I learned those committed to misunderstanding you will always do just that. I may do some off the wall stuff but my heart is pure. I’ve helped people who have slandered my name and I never told a soul what they did to me, and never will. As sure as I’m writing this blog, it’ll come out. It always does. But I what I have to learn to do is not allow someone to pull that type of behavior out of me. I even started going back to therapy because of it. I’m learning. I’m growing. I’m grateful.

6. It’s okay to be mad, just don’t stay mad. I’ve spent so much of my life bitter. Truth is I wasn’t over so many of the things that were done to me and instead of telling someone I let it turn me bitter. I was angry. I was hurting. I saw so many of my peers have people to lean on and mentor them through the processes and then there was me....I hated it. I still felt like a 6 year old little girl some days. As a child, I was talked about like I was grown. So once I got older, I learned to snap back 10x harder to ensure the disrespect would never occur again. You hurt my feelings? Cool, I’ll demolish yours. 🤷🏽‍♀️ But at 28 who tf wants to live like that? I wasn’t raised like that. It was draining. Then people looked at me to be the bitter one. You know the “jokes” they tell but in all actuality it’s the shade they don’t want to say flat out. It was my narrative. I was sick of it. Letting that fester....it ate at me. I had to give it to God. I always desired to be like everybody else until God touched my heart. It’s a process, but I’m better ! He’s healing me. Working on me. Allowing me the unique opportunity to grow through my own issues has allowed me to give grace to others for theirs. I’m grateful.

7. I’m sorry. I’m ending the blog with 7 points because this one is the most important. I’m learning to take responsibility for my own mistakes. Having the courage to embrace my own shortcomings. I apologize to those I ridiculed, betrayed, lied to, beat up 🥴, humiliated, embarrassed and disrespected. I know this doesn’t excuse the offense, but from the bottom of my heart I’m sorry. In my own disappointments and insecurities I took it out on you, and that you didn’t deserve. Learning to swallow your own pride makes room for the blessings you let pass you by, because your heart wasn’t in the right place. My heart is healing and I literally squirm thinking about some of my past behaviors. At the time, I meant every bit of it, because I was operating from a hurt place. I never gave myself an apology for the person I was trying to survive. I’m trying. Learning to not allow what happened to me, consume me. Forgiving myself for every mistake. Owning who I am and who I am called to be. I don’t want to turn 40 and then start living life 😕 I want to do it now. But I couldn’t get to it because I was my own stumbling block. God has a funny way of humbling you, but what he will do is just that, humble you ! And because of that humility, I can now let some light in I know how wrong I was, but the glory is...it’s a process...but I’m grateful.

I made sure to end every point with ‘I’m grateful’ because I truly am grateful. I’m grateful for it all. The good. The bad. The ugly. I’m grateful. Why? Because I’m still here, so that means it didn’t kill me. It could of, but it didn’t ! This year, this decade....taught me so much. My goodness my 20s taught me some things okay lol but I thank God for the grace He gave me to try to get it right. I’m ready for Scene 29 and I am beyond ready to see what 2020 has to offer ! I deserve it ! Be grateful !

[bdneiceme]

Church hurt...

Being the Daughter of Pastors you hurt. You hurt often. So many misconceptions and misconceived notions of who and what you have to be. At the end of the day you have a lot of things decided for you. Not saying that my relationship with my parents is strained in anyway but it’s difficult being raised in the limelight of a mainstream Baptist church.

In college I took 2 years away from church simply because I needed it. I hated church. I hated people. I hated that I never felt like I could voice my opinions of it. None of this was because my of my parents. They raised us to be vocal, quite the contrary belief in Black Christian homes (however we are a rarity), it made me feel bad to tell my parents growing up I hated their jobs because people hated me just because I was their kid.

My Mother must have told me a million times, “Everybody could be doing the same thing, at the same time, at the same place and no one will tell on them. The only person they’ll tell on is you and that’s because of who we are.”

I can vividly remember GROWN PEOPLE telling me at 10 and 11 years old how they didn’t like me or parents. Having GROWN PEOPLE tell me I could trust them and confide in them and LITERALLY as soon as I finished “venting” about my first world suburban “problems” they would go and tell my parents verbatim what I told them. I thank God I wasn’t a troubled teen because those bastards (and yes I want you to be BIG offended by it) would have scarred me from ever seeking real help because they told everything !

So yea I needed some time away from church because church...church can have you feel low. Real low. Not Jesus! But yea church...church can have you feel that way. I know it’s unorthodox to say this but it’s true. And we have to have these REAL conversations because too many of us are losing Saints because we don’t.

Having Parents who literally ran one of the HOTTEST churches in town is a gift and a curse. People til this day don’t like me for the silliest things. Most of these things occurred when I was a kid, and most of these people were grown when it happened! I’m not saying I had a terrible, abusive, and disgruntled upbringing because y’all know Kenny and Leta my best friends lol but this is the other side of ministry that NEVER GETS DISCUSSED. We are often told as PK’s we can’t share and talk about a lot of things because of the feathers it may ruffle...well buckle up...👏🏽CAUSE 👏🏽I’M 👏🏽FINNA 👏🏽RUFFLE 👏🏽FEATHERS !

And let me explain why....

1. When you’re the “Pastors Daughter” you gotta be everybody’s friend. You can’t be selective of who you want to be friends with and who you don’t want to be friends with, as a child. You have to be “nice” to everybody, even the ones that hurt you. I’m using my “analytical mind” to figure out that the reason I’m so forgiving and sometimes just downright passive now as an adult is because it’s in me to be nice to “everybody”. I give everybody a chance and I give everybody the benefit of the doubt because that’s how I was raised. I remember vividly being told that you don’t have to like them but you at least have to be nice a million times as a kid. Now that I am an adult, I don’t have to be “nice” anymore. I know what you said and it hurt and I don’t want to be nice to people who hurt me anymore.

2. No one gives you the opportunity to grow up. Contrary to popular belief, pastors kids ain’t the worst. The stigma associated with ‘Children of the Cloth’ is that since your parents are xyz you have to be that too. *takes deep breath* I don’t know who needs to hear this but, 🗣THEY THE PASTORS NOT ME ! I didn’t accept no call! Let me live! We doing the same thing you and your kids did! We ain’t the worst! In fact a lot of y’all would be a lot far off but it was your pastor kid friends (because we stay convicted lol) that has kept you out of some situations because we just didn’t “feel right” about it. Stop putting pressure on pastors kids. We didn’t ask for our parents to be clergy no more than you asked for your parents to be absentee but 😌

3. We know everything so we have to grow up so fast. My heart aches thinking about the things I’ve heard or seen as a child as it relates to my family and friends. I can remember telling myself not to cry as people would literally drag my parents name in the mud and I had to sit there and listen. I’ve always been way more mature than others my age so I “hung around” people 10,20,30 years my senior and NO ONE showed discretion. I know some people HOT but I don’t care (and if you thought I did, I don’t)! Every conversation I replay and ask why all these “grown” people had so many “grown” conversations with me. The natural route was for me to be a therapist because I was doing full counseling sessions with GROWN ASS PEOPLE y’all when I was like 10 and 11 years old. Like real people would be like Brittne let run this past you and see what you think and I was literally a child. I had no choice but to be grown right back. With hindsight, every last one of them should be lined up and slapped, but at the time I just thought it was nice to not have to be “nice” to a whole bunch of kids I didn’t even want to be around who woulda guessed it.

4. If you know a Pastors kid who is still active in church, we there cause we wanna be ! We have a real relationship with Christ and we are trying, just like you, to better ourselves. We are the underrepresented population of “church hurt” that doesn’t get to be hurt. Our wounds are forced to be covered up and converted into constructive criticism and we never get the opportunity to “vent”. We definitely all need some kind of therapist because it is not easy bearing the weight of a mantle you didn’t ask to carry. Based off of people I would hate church and would have every reason for it. Church people are the worst, including myself. We tear down and downright disregard others and with the same tongue try to speak life over someone and we are hypocrites, but I’m trying ! Every day I strive to be better than I was the day before. I continue to look to God for his continued grace and mercy as I try to get this thing right. Because through all the ups and downs of this life I have learned that He was there to dry every single tear. He silenced every rumor and He covered every single time I “lived” a little too much! I’m a Christian because of Christ not because of Kenny and Leta and I thank God for that!

So please be nice and reconsider what it’s like being a PK! To my fellow PK’s I definitely understand and I can relate. You don’t have to be “nice” anymore. Make your mistakes. Live your life! Let the hurt go. Seek help outside of the church that hurt you 🌚 and be the best you. This woke me clear out of my sleep because I’ve been so vexed about whether I should say it or not. Another thing is everything we do is second guessed for authenticity, so just know this comes from a good place! Just know you’re not alone, and we all we got...

I love us for real!

This is also an extra nugget y’all can have for free...to my fellow PK, your spiritual life is what is important so if it is at a standstill know this, you can’t heal yourself in the same place that keeps hurting you. Leave under your parents ministry, if God calls for it, you can go back! If your Christianity is tied to your parents ministry who are serving at the end of the day? Go sit up under someone who can love you back to Christ! One of the best things that has happened to my spiritual life was sitting under someone else in ministry! This is NOT BECAUSE OF MY FATHER but because I needed to grow under someone else’s hand spiritually and that’s okay. It’s hard to seek advice from your Pastor when they’re your parent ! Go get a new Shepard and for some of y’all this may be controversial because your parent ain’t a Shepard anyway, but that’s not why I’m here lol 😶! Seriously, stop sneaking to other people church and go join! Get the love God has for you!

Stay with God !

[bdneiceme]

Be F R E E !

First, let me say heyyyyy yall! It’s been way too long, but life happened!

So let’s get straight to the point. One thing that I have accepted on this path of celibacy is that * takes deep breath * I may or may not be single for the rest of my natural life and guess what, that’s cool. Marriage is ministry, and just like any other department within the church, it might not be mine. Now don’t get me wrong, I would LOVE to be married one day. However, long gone are the days of thinking that maybe this relationship is the last relationship. I’m simply tired of my expectations driving me insane because they fail to come through. 

I was recently talking to a friend about how I’m not ready to be a wife ANYWAY! The thought of seeing the same person for the rest of my life, at this point in my life anyway, is actually kind of repulsing lol. Now I’m sure if I ever meet my husband my sentiments would change, but at this moment…nah! As we were talking, I shared with her how in the past I tolerated a lot more than I had to because in reality I was scared of the relationship ending. Now it took a lot for me to utter those words because no one ever wants to sound that pressed. But honey, listen, I was pressed!!!!!! And honestly, at one point, you probably were too whether you admit to it or not because it’s in our nature as women to nurture, and when we see something going wrong we try to fix it. I won’t say all women all the same but the majority of us can’t not give 100% even if it’s dying because well, we just cant, but I digress. 

Once I realized the error in my ways I vowed to NEVER EVER do it again. My last relationship ended because reciprocity was null in void and I felt the weight of the relationship causing me to face familiar territory that I was not setting up shop at. So, after a conversation we agreed to call it quits before any ill feelings formed and chuck it up as a loss. I didn’t necessarily feel like a failure because Lord knows I put my best foot forward, but I also knew if I would of let him go when it first started feeling weird I could of cut out a lot of old resentment issues that I thought I was done with. Celibacy has made accountability in relationships a lot clearer whether romantic or platonic. You either gonna treat me how I want to be treated or you my friend, will officially be Black History! 

I had to reevaluate my own errors, not just that relationship, but ALL my relationships and sadly, the common denominator amongst them all is that I gave way too much way too soon. Anything worth it, is worth it in moderation. I poured everything in these relationships and got nothing back because it wasn’t meant, but I tried to force it because I wanted it. I prayed for the signs, got the signs, and then told God that those signs weren’t really signs but coincidences and kept on keeping on until my heart was broke and I was back at square one. But when I say, NEVER AGAIN, I mean NEVER EVER AGAIN! I know my worth. I am reminded who I am and what I have to offer. You stop asking what can someone bring to the table when you are the table! It’s more of a you either are willing to meet me where I am or leave me alone. 

Don’t apologize or feel bad about making that stand and declaration. Communication is key. If you’re honest with yourself and with them, they’ll be able to let you know if they’re down for it. Now in no way am I saying downplay any man who may not be wrapped the way you think your “man” should be wrapped. I am saying, however, don’t dull your light in any way to make yourself more appeasing to the opposite sex. He ain’t worth it sis! Now to my ladies, and men who are reading, you will never hear me say don’t put work into your relationship and at the first sign of trouble head for the hills. Relationships take WORK! You’ll cry some nights, but you’ll laugh too. Don’t ever, cry more than you smile. And anyone who wants to be with you wouldn’t want you to anyway! But do better. Just do better! 

My self worth and self-pride is on a WHOLE ‘NOTHER page now. Say less is the motto for 2018, well for me anyway. I am preserving my energy ALL 2018, starting now. I refuse to involve myself with anybody or anything that will strip away my energy. I’m not even explaining anything because well YOU KNOW! One thing I pride myself on is that I will tell you what’s up and then give you time to correct your errors, but after I say it once, I need to see action, if I don’t, well it was a pleasure knowing you! I’m not bitter. I’m the happiest I’ve been in a very very very long time, and I’m happy because every single day I choose me! Period. I am worth it because I know what and who I am in a relationship and until you show yourself worthy, I’m preserving that too. Like I said this goes for romantic and platonic relationships! So I encourage everyone who is reading this, do a sweep in your life. If someone is throwing off your energy, CUT THEM OFF SIS! Don’t even write a paragraph! Don’t even call! Don’t even stalk their social media pages (because we turn into the FBI when someone wrongs us lol)! Let them go. Release them so you can be released! 

Be Free! 

So until next time…

Love yall! 

[bdneiceme]

Insecure...

First let me say thank you to everyone that reposted, text, messaged, called, commented, liked my last blog. This journey made me feel like I could express another side of me. I never thought that the response would be so great. Truly humbling to see people touched by me “venting”. I never did it for recognition, it was just for the sole purpose of giving me an outlet to journal. I knew someone could relate but I didn’t realize how many of us are out there trying to live within our purpose. I love all yall. Thank you for being unapologetic about who you are destined to be and I pray that God meets us where we are.

Grace. That’s simply what celibacy is. It’s God’s grace to give you another chance to do it right. I didn’t realize how grace impacted my life until this journey began. I thought it was a lot more distant than what it is and it is truly remarkable in itself. I told my man friend/boyfriend that I never considered how he felt about it. Because honestly, it was never about him. It wasn’t about anybody but me and Jesus. I had to come to my own “come to Jesus” moment about who I wanted to be in Him. I was tired of the mundane mediocrity of being in a relationship and making sex the basis of a fundamental understanding between myself and the guy I was dating. I desired more. 

Now I am not the Worlds Greatest Christian. I don’t pray nearly as much as I should. I’m not constantly in my Word. I find excuses for being “too busy” and I become negligent in my walk DAILY. But one thing I knew I wanted at the start of this year was to rebuild my relationship with God. It’s one thing to post a thought provoking Facebook status, it’s another thing to gain an intimate relationship with the Creator of the universe. During this time, I have found myself seeking God more than ever. Being sure of who I am in the Spirit is more important than ever. Knowing that means I can handle whatever Demon comes my way and I can be stronger in my decision making because He’s the one guiding me through life. 

I decided to write this post quicker than expected after I felt God pulling on my heart strings. I had a conversation with a friend that made me realize how insecure I was in my relationships. I was taught that the one who controls the sex, controls the relationship. So I began to offer it up more than I ever wanted because I desperately wanted to be loved the way I had loved. I thought if the sex was AMAZING than so would the love. Right? It was all cause and effect for me but I ended up being affected with a broken heart, lost dreams, voids big enough to sink a ship, and painful memories of times I should of walked away but decided to stay. I don’t know why or where I felt the pressure of “giving it up” came from but it swallowed me whole. I was falling and felt alone so I kept it to myself.

Tasha Cobbs Leonard has a new song entitled ‘Wonderful Grace’ off of her latest EP Heart. Passion. Pursuit. The song instantly ministered to my sprit. Oh how beautiful is the Grace that found me! *insert Baptist fit* But seriously, Grace is AMAZING! This Grace has given me a chance to be able to find Him again. To spend more time in front of His throne and learn more about who He wants me to be. My church started a fast on Monday and I told my LS that this fast has been the hardest thing I have ever done. It’s hard because it truly does mark a change that is happening in me. It’s a new start. A fresh beginning to kickstart my love affair with Jesus again. I don’t deserve the Grace that God has given, but in the words of Tasha “I’m MIGHTY GRATEFUL!”

So this post is to every woman AND man who has decided to embark on their own journey, no matter what it may be, don’t stop asking God for his Grace. It will cover you even in the instances where you deserve everything you have coming to you. It’s unconditional and when it falls on you, you will know. It’s only been a week and celibacy is H A R D ! Because it forces you to change the conversation. I am in no means a Nun lol but I am happy that I made the decision. Get to know who you truly are, and who you are not. Get to know what your passion is without the distraction that is accompanied with sex. 

Thank God for Grace. 

-Britt 

[bdneiceme]

Sex in the church...

There has always been a taboo about transparency in the church. We want to get folks delivered but no one wants to share their story. The old way of thinking that if it happens in this house, it stays in this house is why generations of families stay in bondage. So please take some time to read about some things that I have experienced and feel comfortable enough to share with you today. By no means is this easy for me to do, but it is necessary. Maybe if someone would of shared with me, I could of spared myself some sleepless nights. This blog is by no means a way for me to make ANYONE feel bad about the choices they made or are making. This is about ME and MINE. I'm doing this to maybe help someone else, not to judge you. So do me a favor and check your feelings at the door. Don't take it personal sis (Sis in this context is gender neutral!) !

Ever since I can remember I remember learning that sex was a sin. That you shouldn't "do it" for lack of better of words, until you were married and that you would be punished by God for doing "it" too soon. I was more afraid of getting pregnant and getting a disease than anything else that I learned as a youth. I wish they spent more time talking about soul ties than STD's and pregnancy if I can be honest. Growing up in the 90s, sex was starting to become a more main stream issue. Commercials and movies became sexier, safe sex was a mantra and getting tested was a way of living. I learned what "it" was because KIDS TALK! All it took was one recess at ACA and I quickly learned that sex was going to be a bigger problem in my life than any of the other sins that ever was mentioned in Sunday School.

I, like most Preachers Kids, NEVER EVER wanted people to know I wasn't a virgin. The scrutiny that would follow would be too much to bare. I didn't want to embarrass my parents. They were Pastors, what would that make them look like? I was mortified when they found out. I was way too young to have let go of something so precious, but the young man who was my "boyfriend" told me he loved me and we were gonna be together FOREVAAAAA *Cardi B voice*. And that's what I thought sex was. I thought it was an undeniable love you had for someone and once you had that, it would be okay. Not to mention the countless "adults" that talked freely about their sexual endeavors around me that pushed me just enough to want to experience this euphoria for myself. So at the tender age of 14, I did "it". I had no idea "it" would lead me to the tears I cried and the things I battled, but it did, and 12 years later I'm still dealing with the aftermath of it.

Yea, I know, 14 is young. Super young, but I thought I was ready for it. He told me I was ready for it, and how can you argue with the "love of your life". Lol with hindsight it's hilarious, but at the time I thought it was perfect. I remember feeling like I was trying to swallow an SUV when my parents found out. I ain't scared of NOT NOBODY, yes I know that's incorrect but I SAID WHAT I SAID, but I am DEATHLY afraid of Kenny and Leta. I lost more than my virginity that day, I lost their respect. That still chokes me up somedays because if you follow me on any social media platform you know they mean everything to me. I wrecked their lives and unbeknownst to myself I ruined mine as well.

Now granted, SEX ISN'T A BAD THING, but I do understand it is intended for marriage. I wish I could tell my husband that he was the only man to has ever touched my body, but I can't. I can however tell him that he is the first one to touch my body since September 2017! Now the rumor mill will always run. I have been called a hoe more times than I can count. Now I don't remember any of those people with me when it happened, but they know more about what happened than we do. I was also a lesbian, unknowingly, for about 8 years lol. I just learned that my sexuality was just that, MINE and I didn't have to explain it to any one else but Jesus. (FOR THE RECORD I AM NOT AND WAS NEVER A LESBIAN. IF PEOPLE DON'T THINK YOU AND YOUR LESBIAN FRIENDS ARE A COUPLE ARE YALL EVEN REALLY FRIENDS?)

I didn't really have sex in high school. Due to the lack of opportunity, not because I wanted to live Christ like. College wasn't even really a coming out for me, but I can say I did experience a lot more with the opposite sex because those "adults" I mentioned before told me it would be worth it in college. So I had to see if they were right about it. But one thing I do know is that it would of been better had I waited. It wasn't worth the emptiness, the tears, the lies, the cheating, the sneaking, all of it. It just wasn't worth it. I knew that I was wrong but I thought as long as I cried and asked God for forgiveness then all was well. I thought the blood was strong enough to make me white as snow. And if I "messed" up again, I would pray and keep it moving because God will ALWAYS be forgiving. However, that emotional baggage started to add up.

2014 I told my bestest friend in the whole wide world that I wanted to be celibate, (I deliberately use celibate and not abstinent because I lean more fondly to the definition of what it means to be celibate) and she said she supported me 150%. Right after I thought I met the ONE. It was perfect. I made this declaration and then God sent Him to me! He was in the church and when I told him what I wanted to do he was perfectly into it, until he wasn't. He just KNEW I was his wife and he had "prayed" for me so it was okay right? Yea he preyed alright, and even though our romance was short lived, the baggage that I was left with haunted me til this day. So this journey has been brewing in me longer than my membership at Have Life Church, but it wasn't until now that I was okay with me, that I was ready to take this step and embark on this journey.

I purposely didn't mention how many partners I have had and I'm choosing not to disclose that information because frankly it's not important. Whether it be 2 or 20, it's not pertinent enough to share in this blog. What is pertinent is the fact that I chose to live a better life. I have asked God to forgive me and then in front of about 300 people vowed that I would live a better life for Him. Yes, I messed up. My prayer is that I won't let it happen again. Every person you have sex with, you have sex with every person they have laid with. Yea, you may only have 5 partners, but you also have to add on the sex partners of all 5 of them, and all of their partners, and so on and so on. You're carrying baggage that doesn't even belong to you! Think of how foolish you would look if at the airport you grab someone else's bag and when they ask for it back you make a scene and leave knowing it isn't your bag. Now you're weighed down with your bags, their bags, and everything else that comes with it because you can't let go.

My prayer is and was more than that God keeps me until I meet my Kingdom Mate, but also that God clear out any emotional baggage that I gained from another soul. It's a freeing experience. I feel like if I didn't have shoes on, I would float clear into the air. My spirit isn't heavy anymore. I didn't even realize it was heavy until it wasn't anymore. My heart is happy. I'm happy. Celibacy is a choice. It's one that I wish I followed through with 3 years ago, but here I am. Will it be easy, probably not, but it will be worth it. I'm not condemning anyone for their choices, I'm just talking about ME and MINE. Ok isn't good enough for me. I want more! And I know by me making this decision God is going to open doors I could of never imagined because of my obedience. So hold me accountable. If you see me slipping, let me know. We remain too silent and we fail as Christians because NO ONE wants to be held accountable.

Try your hardest not to judge me. Sorry Mommy and Daddy for letting yall down, but I swear I'm trying every day to get my life back right. It's a journey. It's one that I am willing to share. This isn't everything, but it's enough and hopefully it will spark something into the heart of someone else and say no one else will touch me until I say 'I do!' No, I'm not perfect, but I AM WORTH IT! You are too! Feel free to drop a comment or two. Know I was sincere when writing this and maybe you can be transparent about a demon you battle in your life. I will write again at 60 days in! Yall keep me prayed up!

-Britt