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[beamisshly]

No, we're not soulmates. This is not divine intervention. And this is most certainly not chance. I willed this. I knit the threads of fate myself until they spelled your name.

I love you intentionally. I love you with every bit of conscience I was born with.

— marsadist (via twitter)

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Andrea Gibson, Lord of the Butterflies

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Ellen Bass,  "The Thing Is"

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Grief,

is truly something that I cannot understand. The stages of grief that I cannot defy nor deny, and the process to recover from the said grief itself—are something that I am still trying to comprehend.

Truthfully, I think that I already passed all those stages of grief. And suddenly, I am entering a new phase but it always leaves me breathless. What is this numb sensation? It was as if my heart is nothing but a void? Like something, something, something, clearly missing and I do not know what or why did it goes missing.

I do wonder one thing though, does a piece of your heart went away along with the person that you love?

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The Wounded Angels

There was a time where rebel angels received God’s punishment—in which they won’t able to play around in Heaven until they promise that they will behave.

There was a time where angels were at wars with other angels, in which ended up making God’s angry and send those who are involved to become the Guardians of Hell for eternity, just so they can repent to their mistakes.

Then, there was a time where God created imperfect angels; whose heart not as pure as other angels—with lust, gluttony, pride, sloth, wrath, greed and envy resides on their soul. Each of the sin resulted in waves of emotions and desires; one couldn’t help but to crave more of the taste, once they had a bite of it.

Upon God’s mercy, those imperfect angels were sent to live on Earth, while learning to live side by side with their heart’s desire. The imperfect, wounded, and lonely angels are gathered to experience everything first hand, without any divine interventions.

It made those angels realised that everything was easy, back in Heaven. No amount of cries nor desperate wailings made the almighty changed its mind.

The situations made the wounded angels adapting; they are now the master of their own soul with how they are able to navigate their emotions. Finally, they became something more, humane.

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Almost, Full Moon.

She always claim herself as the Moon; the one who shines because of the Sun. Yet, yet, she learnt that the Moon also has a power or two.

Like the pull, that made Earth’s tides riot in harmony—with its highs and its lows. How one pull could easily make the tranquil and serene sea turned into a wrecking havoc in a blink of eyes; would be the fact that still amaze her everytime.

And she concluded that if the Moon had the pull, then she had her own charms as well! It took ages for her to realise that despite the flaws, in which both the Moon and her has in their life, there’s always something that made them different—in a good way.

Perhaps her charms are not as many and not as special; but knowing the fact that she started to accept herself and loving herself more upon realising that she’s good enough, clearly made it all worthwhile.

Every changes lead to something. While her phases might not as clear as the Moon, she knew that she won’t stop growing and thriving to be better everyday. Even when she gets older, whenever her age changed, like today.

On her happiest day, even her Moon friend came to celebrate it with her, with its almost perfect shape. It nudged her sense that just like her, who’s not perfect in anyway; today too, we are almost a full moon.

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Softly? Softly.

One said, loving someone is burning red—fiery, passionate, and hard. Another one said, loving someone is golden daylight—bright, glowing and full of excitements. Well for me, love came in its softest hue, flamingo pink—tender, fluffy and compassionate.

As love, has never come to me in a blink of eyes. Loving something, loving someone; is something that come in stages of experience for me. And surprisingly, I do not mind that.

For I think that, it doesn’t have to be in hurry, as love has no expiry. It doesn’t need the rush, or else it would get easily crushed. So will you take my hand, and intertwine our fingers? As I would love if we are taking our time to get to know each other slowly and properly—just until we are able to knock on each other’s heart, softly.

Based on the song with the same title.

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May Sarton, from Journal of a Solitude [ID in alt text]

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Gavin Yuan Gao, from "Lullaby"

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To Cook, is To Love.

She doesn’t know since when, but cooking has been one of her ways to show love—aside from the activity itself is very therapeutic to her.

She didn’t remember well, but her guess is that it could be stretched quite far to her childhood days, where she has always been involved in the kitchen business (one said, it is because she’s the only daughter in the family).

Born in conservative family, ladies has always been in the kitchen, whether it is in their own house or in their other relatives’ house—and it is pretty much the same for her.

Her Mom made her used to it, BUT looking at how genuine and sincere every food that her Mom cooked, it made her want to follow her steps; as she knew that everything her Mom prepared for her family is her way to show love.

From a house tradition of nasi goreng, to an international cuisine such as creamy mushroom pasta; there’s nothing that she could not do. Even though she may not be an excellent cook, but all of the dishes she made, always comes from her heart.

So, everytime you come around and see the kitchen is hustling, please sit patiently at the dining table, and kindly wait for her to serve you her love.

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I’ve lived, I’ve loved, I’ve learnt.

Happy New Year! It’s a miracle that you’ve came this far. But as someone who felt every battle inside of you throughout 2023, I’d like to congratulate you for this huge achievement!

Must’ve been hard to face lonely days alone, or feeling misunderstood at times—but do remember that there are laughs in between, happy heart within and lips that turned into grin, everytime.

Thank you for believing that there’s always a sun after a cloudy day—that one mindset that kept you alive. And thank you for speaking up more this year! You always matter. Please remember that. Your voice matters, your opinions matter, even your preferences matter. It is definitely okay to have “agree to disagree” situations, but do know that you matter—do not hold everything inside if you find it uncomfortable.

Last but not least, I’d like to salute you for finally getting yourself back together—between broken hearts and wandering soul, you managed to put everything back and delightfully finding your own trueself. Just like flowers, this year too, you bloomed beautifully. Cheers to more happiness in 2024!

From the one who loves you the most,

Beatrice Hayes.

[beamisshly]

Sonnet CXLIII: Icarus.

I wish I could love one, like Icarus loved the Sun;

So tender, selfless and passionate.

And I wish I could march, towards the fun;

Without worrying a part, called fate.

For one so sweet and gentle;

Doesn’t deserve someone like me.

As I will be running around, like a rebel;

With noone able to withheld me on my knee.

I want to meet someone like Icarus;

So I can ask how to be like him, as partner.

Yet unlike Icarus, I will let go the ignorance;

So that we could be together, forevermore.

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For all the lights God brought to me from Heaven is nothing, but a spark. Yet, all the catasthropic flames Satan brought to me from Hell are eternal—surrounded by sins and dreadful thoughts.

Despite all, despite knowing that it will be the end of you, will you stay?

[beamisshly]

The purest form of love is consideration. When someone thinks about how things would make you feel. Pays attention to detail. Holds you in regard when making decisions that could affect you. In any bond, how much they care about you can be found in how much they consider you

[beamisshly]

celestial academia

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ALL-IN, for You.

I’d like to hand you an invitation to spend the night with me. No, no need to rush or anything, you can take as much as time as you needed because I do understand it take lots of thinking before you can proceed to come to me.

I’d like to hand you an invitation to exchange our warmths under the moonlight—where we show our true selves, in its true form, without clothes on sight.

I’d like to hand you an invitation to make love with me. No, it is not a mere sexual intercourse to please our basic needs, but something more intimate and personal. Would love to see your eyes gleaming with pleasures, hearing your moans when I devour your love, and witnessing how your body reacts when it tangled with mine.

I’d like to hand you an invitation to escape this cold and harsh world for a bit with me, where we can speak our minds without any hesitation and spend our times together.

I’d like to hand you an invitation to stay with me through the night until the sun rises, at my place. No, no need to rush or anything, because I will wait patiently as I am all in for you, I am all in on you.

Based on Invitation by Junny ft Gaeko.

[beamisshly]

I didn’t like having to explain to them, so I just shut up, smoked a cigarette, and looked at the sea.

—Albert Camus, The Stranger