beautifulchaos-his

[beautifulchaos-his]

Navigating the Heart

In my D/s relationship, the hardest things to navigate with my sweetness exists in the space of her heart. Often she is surprised when I respond strongly to what looks like the simplest of issues.

My sweetness has a tendency to push away compliments, or speak down on herself in moments of vulnerability, especially concerning issues of her body. I am a firm believer that how we speak about ourselves sticks over time.

So, I instituted a new rule. She will receive one lick for every time she speaks ill of herself. Her response was disbelief at first, followed by a feeling of unfairness. After all, she isn’t speaking to me this way, or another person.

However, this is one of those areas where the simple and quick words that she uses are just the surface of the story. The worth she holds for herself, in her own heart is my responsibility as well. What she must understand is that she is mine, and when she speaks ill of herself she is speaking down to someone and something that I hold high value for. I cannot allow it.

My desire is for her to blossom physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. When the first self insult slipped out, she knew it instantly, and this is good, I want her conscious of these moments. I didn’t make a huge deal of it at first, only mentioned that I owed her one later (we were on the way out the door).

I instantly thought better and decided this should be handled immediately. So I changed course and decided to paddle her there and then. It was only one lick, but the hardest one she has received yet. It took her a bit by surprise, but I wanted it to hurt.

I want her to know I’m serious about her controlling the power in her tounge. After all, every major religion speaks about the power of the tounge to destroy or build up. I will be her accountability to herself. She will treat what’s mine with the utmost dignity, and she respects that she is mine by doing so.

You know, I don’t even know if she realizes it, but it has been quite a while since I’ve heard her speak ill of herself. It’s been almost a week in fact. I am quite proud of her.

[beautifulchaos-his]

First Test

Day one of Domestic Discipline (DD)! It’s been a good day, and the dynamic is different. It’s amazing how calm we both seem, and how sure of ourselves we feel. The tension of constant challenges is gone, and I hadn’t even notice how much tension was there until it subsided. I have a smile on my face most of the day.

Before I move on, you should know that we recently made a choice to take the sweetness off of birth control. She was tired of the side effects and after researching I realized how few woman knew how their body ran without additional hormones being put into their body. I proposed that we take her off birth control and at least give her a few months to let her body regulate.

We agreed to use the temperature method to begin tracking her cycles so that we could learn her cycle and get her more in tune with her body. Simple right? Oh no, my sweetness had a particular affinity for feeling my seed inside of her. So she was not happy about not getting that during her ovulation period, but I felt the benefits outweighed the costs.

So back to the present, first day practicing DD and we are having morning sex, she askes me to finish inside of her and I hesitate. I’m not for sure that we are outside of her ovulation window so I tell her we will wait another day. Later, I check my app that monitors her cycles, and see that she was still in her ovulation period. “Dodged a bullet,” I said to myself with a chuckle. Then later on the thought hits me, “she should have known that!”

I go grab her calendar and what do I find, she hasn’t recorded her temperature for the last 3 days. She has gotten lazy because I introduced a fertility app (which was just meant to be a backup). I’m fucking livid.

She walks in as I am checking her calendar and knows she is in trouble. She makes a few excuses and I respond that she is being irresponsible and guesstimating something that will change the course of our lives if not done correctly. I then ask her if she would still expect me to finish inside of her even though she is not doing her part. Immediately she realizes what’s at stake, and that I am thinking of withholding my seed. She is angry, and telling me that she can’t go without it. I respond that her head is in the wrong place if she would risk pregnancy to get my seed a day early.

I take the dog for a walk to clear my head. My immediate response is to prove a point and withhold my seed for the month. After some time during my walk, something I heard from a podcast changes my perspective, the podcast talked about trust and understanding being the key to making DD work long term. “Don’t come in like a bull in a china shop,” as my grandmother would say. I am used to her challenging me, so I decide to let her actions dictate the punishment. I will start with 3 licks from the paddle (not a lot but I want time to learn my new paddle), 5 if she keeps pushing back, and if she keeps pushing from there I will skip the paddle all together and withhold my seed for a week. If she continues, a month.

Immediately I am hit with a wave of selfishness. I don’t want to go that long without finishing in my woman! I am furious all over again. I walk a bit more to calm down and remind myself that this is my responsibility. To lead, teach, and rule our home well.

I get home bracing for brat times. And she walks up to me, buries her face in my chest and apologizes while trying to hold back tears. I’m moved almost to tears myself. Never has she put an apology forward this quickly. And surely not with being brought to tears. I hold her and remind her of her responsibility and why that responsibility is so important. That her actions touch all of us in this household.

I make her take all fours on the bed, naked. The first two licks barely sting her, the third makes her yelp. She goes to move and I put her back on all fours drop my pants and take what’s mine. We shower together afterwards and something is different about her. She is even softer and more feminine than she was that morning. I wonder what she will be like in twenty years.

I spend the rest of the evening working while she lounges close by in a simple black dress with red lipstick. She is beautiful. I spend the night stealing glances at her and smiling to myself. She is mine.

[beautifulchaos-his]

Getting in Step

So, where to begin? It’s been almost a year since I met my life partner, and meeting her has been a challenge from day one. At the time, I was a man that had all but given up on “true love.” I still believed in love, I just thought it was for other people. I was almost hostile to the idea of monogamy and had decided Bdsm was the only lifestyle that would work for me. I had turned off my heart and decided to run off pure logic. Relationships were a business deal to be negotiated and adhered to. I do x,y,z and you do a,b,c.

Then I met my sweetness. I was actually having dinner with a friend and then this woman that I had seen at the gym earlier in the day strolls by, makes eye contact, and recognizes me. The room stopped. I cut my conversation and dinner short and had a guy that turned out to be mutual friends run interference. We spoke for a while, and she excused herself to the bathroom. I turned to her friend that she was having drinks with, and I said in a very matter of fact manner “I want her.”

She played hard to get, later I would come to find that my manners and directness that had been crafted in the Kink lifestyle were hard for her to process. I proceeded nonetheless, and eventually I got her to dinner and asked for her full attention. While she was kinky, she had no real experience with power exchange relationships, but she jumped in full force. I will never forget how she blushed when I had her fill out questionnaires on her sexual history. She repeatedly would stop and say “You want to know everything?” To which I would reply directly “everything.”

We entered into a D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship, and while fun and enlightening it was a roller coaster. We never quite found our balance. She was the first vanilla person I had every tried to “turn” and I was told it wouldn’t work. But I had to have her. I was constantly adjusting and having to battle with the notions and standards of a vanilla relationship.

In addition to these problems, she is truly an alpha female, and submission was hard for her. I began to realize that the D/s dynamic I had in place would not work for us. So, I began searching. In public we always carried ourselves as just a very traditional couple, so I began reading and studying the dynamic of the 1950’s style relationships I had come across from time to time in the kink world.

And through this, Domestic Discipline was found. It looked perfect on paper. The theory of this dynamic looked like it should work well for us, but right around the time of finding this something weird happened. God came knocking.

Now I had been very religious in my past, I had even gone to seminary, but inconsistencies in what I was studying and the incompatibility of my personal life lead me to walk away from Christianity. I continued to study religion and spirituality but had sworn off practicing any particular religion. In fact I felt more comfortable with the occult than I did in a Church. And ironically while in the middle of an occult study, I found God again, or He/She/It found me I should say. And in one swoop I saw past religion and found God behind the scene of everything. Every religion, and every spiritual philosophy became a playground to search this God out.

I felt reconnected to nature, and all of a sudden strict monogamy looked different. I could see the gift of pouring yourself into one person and having them pour themselves into you. I understood the responsibility of leading a household and more particularly a woman. I had a carnal desire to be, not just in control, but fully a man that is in harmony with nature. As I began to act on it, I saw a shift in my sweetness. She began to submit a bit more easily, and the submission was organic. Not because there was a rule that we had agreed on in a contact, but because she genuinely wanted to. Her femininity was easier to see every day. And I realized I thirsted for it.

This brings us up to the present. Just a few days ago, we decided to take the plunge officially into DD relationship dynamic. And ironically the paddle I had ordered arrived just a few hours later. It felt like confirmation.

So this is our journey. We have agreed to use these posts as a journal of sorts, and we welcome comments, advice, or questions openly. Beautifulchaos-hers is where you can read her perspective, thoughts, and musings. We thought it would be interesting to be able to compare both sides during this journey. This is mainly for us and our growth, but we hope you enjoy.