beautifuldisasterofalovesto-blog - Tumblr blog

[beautifuldisasterofalovesto-blog]

We spent the whole day in our own weird head spaces.

When he called, he told me he loves seeing me pout. He enjoys torturing me mentally. I love it too because I know it's okay. I pout and go to that weird head space in the moment but we're at work so I'm not allowed to show how I feel. But he knows. And I know. So we stay in this mental place together, surrounded by everyone else who can see that we have secrets but they have no idea what those secrets are. But secretly, they want to know.

"I want you to paint your nails. A colour. Paint them red. If you can listen, I'll reward you."

"Okay."

I go to the nail salon. And pick out a pretty little deep red tone.

He calls.

"Hello, love. Are you busy?"

"I'm getting my nails done, but I can talk."

"Ooooh what colour?"

"Red, as I was told. I didn't want to paint them myself because I think that looks cheap and I'm a classy lady."

"Good girl, but the point of that order was for you to have to sit down and take the time to paint them yourself and make them look nice. However, I didn't specify so I will let it slide. I'm sure they'll look nice. Shall I get you all flustered while you're sitting there, stuck in that nail salon chair, surrounded by all those people? Shall I make your face as red as your nails? You're probably already getting red. Oh, you're filthy, love, filthy. Are you getting squirmy? Yes, you are. Filthy."

All I can do is giggle and sit with it.

"Tomorrow is a big day for us at work. I want you wrist deep in your pussy tonight, remember the technique I taught you? And we'll break records tomorrow. And I would really appreciate some pictures and, or videos for motivation. Understood?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Have fun tonight, love. I will see you tomorrow."

"You too, Sir."

"Bye, love."

He always says goodbye in such a tone that I know it's not goodbye. I know he's not done with me.

[beautifuldisasterofalovesto-blog]

Some days, there's no phone call. Some days there's no secret half hour meet up. Some days we only say "good bye, have a good night!" to each other in the parking lot, at the end of our work day, with everyone else. Just like everyone else. Some days it's just "I'll see you tomorrow." and we have to go straight home and that's it.

[beautifuldisasterofalovesto-blog]

It's 7:30pm on a Monday night. We're both driving back to our hometown from about 45 minutes away in opposite directions. It's raining, but not hard. It's a slow, light pitter patter of drops making the world glisten, ever so slightly.

"Where are you?"

"Where are you?"

"I'm driving down the back street behind the grocery store."

"Follow that road all the way to the second light. When you get to the school, turn left, head towards the park, then turn right and park behind me. Let this be a test. Can you follow my directions? Come find me."

Then he ended the call, leaving me flustered and excited to play his fun game. I repeated his words in my head, hoping I would get them right. I'm not great at memorizing even the simplest verbal directions. Once I turned right at the end of his path, I saw his car. I parked behind him and turned my car off, expecting to get out and climb into his car. But before I could think he hopped out of his car and opened the passenger door of mine. He's never been in my car before.

"Your car smells nice."

I blush at the sight of him.

"Hi."

I take his hand as we watch the rain drops blur out my windows.

He tells me of his fears and his feelings.

I tell him he's safe with me.

He kisses me in the center of my forehead.

"Can you put your forehead against mine?"

He does.

"I know the spot. Can you feel it?"

"Yes."

I blush.

"I don't want to go."

"I know."

"We'll be expecting home soon."

"I know."

[beautifuldisasterofalovesto-blog]

No one has ever done something like that for me before.

Stand up straight.

You're a shit.

You have to be honest with yourself.

That little girl loves you. (my daughter)

Drink water.

Where's your water?

Did you bring a lunch?

That guy is me too.

*whistles as he's walking through the building so I can hear him*

Oh, Hey!

Naughty, Naughty.

No you're fucking not.

Where'd you go? Come back now, Love.

I just want everyone to love me.

I...care about you.

Hey, hey, hey. It's okay.

We'll see.

*pets my cheeks*

Fuck out of here.

I would tear you apart.

You're a smart girl.

[beautifuldisasterofalovesto-blog]

The Wasteland

Part 2.

I wrote a poem for him. Each verse is on a different area of the wasteland.

"Oh, Easter eggs?" he says

"mhmm."

"that's fucking cool. I grew up hangout here so... It means a lot."

"now when you come down here, you will see my artwork."

"thank you, love." He smiles.

We walk back to our cars.

"I'm not going to touch you." His eyes peircing my body.

"What? Why!? That's not fair!?" I stomp my foot a little out of habit.

"That's why," he says through his teeth, "mm, that's right, throw a fit."

Realising that this is the behavior he wants to see from me (desperation), in order to be defient, I lean against my car, clasp my hands together, crossing my feet at my ankles. I look him dead in the eyes and say, "no."

"No?" his eyebrow raises as if he's amused by rebellious response. Now he's nervous, but he holds together well. He doesn't want to look at me. He's afraid he'll fuck me. He's afraid he'll fall in love with me.

"look how you're standing, you're such a lady"

"It's the only way I know to be."

I toss my lanyard up over his head and around the back of his neck.

His smirk warms into a mischievous smile.

Using my lanyard, I pulled him closer, but his hands remained in his pockets. He just stands there staring down at me, wondering what I'll do next.

I drag my tongue from the base of his neck slowly up to his ear. A satisfied sigh escapes his lips as he finally places his hand on my lower back, pressing me harder against him. As his other hand is pressing my face into his neck.

"You're very bad."

I look up at him with my best innocent look, even though he can see the mischief in my eyes. "Oh but I'm not doing anything wrong. We never get to be against each other. So this is okay, we can touch right now, it's okay."

He turns me around, gripping my skin and pulling my dress up over my bum.

"mmmm." He's always so pleased with me. He runs his fingers underneath my stockings. A single finger slides between my skin and the thin string of my panties.

"mmmm. Did you wear these hoping that I'd see them?"

All I can mutter out is a shakey "mhmm"

"You are a little shit, aren't you.. You and your bullshit." He pulls me apart and presses himself against my bare skin.

"It's time to go home, get in your fucking car." He orders, while still gripping me tightly, knowing very well that I can't and I won't. He gives me a good spank and I let out a whimper.

"Get in your fucking car, love." He orders again into my ear, this time sliding his hand down the front of my stockings.

I gasp "your hands are so cold"

"Oh I know," he groans, "but you're so soft and warm."

[beautifuldisasterofalovesto-blog]

"I love what you are right now and I don't want to ruin that by getting too much of you."

"Am I just a dream, are you just a dream?"

"I don't like that, that was rude. Take that back. You're a real person and I'm a real person. When I'm laying down to sleep at night, you're right down the street laying down too. When I'm brushing my teeth in the morning, you're getting ready for your day. We're not a dream, we're very real."

"I meant the abstract bits of it. The feelings, the way we look at each other, the dynamic of - -"

"Hey, hey, hey, I know what you meant. That's real too."

[beautifuldisasterofalovesto-blog]

"Don't forget our day today, darlin'

I know you're afraid of feeling for me,

But look at all the things we seen

Today... together.

We toured your childhood memories

And the artwork in that gorgeous library

And in the bathroom, we made a sacred place

We're we both belonged in each other's space

And I couldn't even look at your face

Cause If I did I would blush and shake

I don't have the answers, love.

I don't know what to do.

You have your family, and I have mine too.

So while I'm in your presence,

I'll say fuck the world, I'll love you."

- The Library : Laura James

[beautifuldisasterofalovesto-blog]

"Wherever you came from, wherever you going

I promise I'm not far behind

So don't you dare throw this away

I been meanin' to tell you

You lookin' better every day

Write you letters

It's only right that right after love I write my name

And if it's forever or never it's all the same"

-Cinderella : Mac Miller

[beautifuldisasterofalovesto-blog]

As a healing mechanism, I've learned to adapt with the snap of a finger. If I need to quickly change my thoughts, feelings, or emotions about someone or something (myself included), it's very simple for me to do. If it's no longer good for me, I'll stop caring about it. If it begins to prevent me from moving forward, I'll let it go. I'm in control of my mind and my body. Nothing else and no one else holds that power.

[beautifuldisasterofalovesto-blog]

I don't understand why people manipulate others. I guess I trust too much in a world where people aren't trustworthy.

Honesty is one of the most important and sacred concepts in life. I don't have the time or energy for mind games and manipulation. I can't even fathom how people can fabricate false emotions, false feelings, false words, false perspectives, and false situations. What are they gaining? Entertainment? You can find entertainment in loving yourself and genuinely opening your heart to others. Care about someone for the sake of caring about them, don't pretend to care about someone just to tear them down so you feel stronger. Just be true to yourself and be true to everyone else. The world needs that kind of love.

[beautifuldisasterofalovesto-blog]

“Rain may be uncomfortable and cold, but it will cleanse you.”

— Woodland

[beautifuldisasterofalovesto-blog]

Me: *starts going into a bad mental state*

Me: *goes outside on a bike*

Me: *spend a little extra money for good food for a bit*

Me: *sits out in the sun with pet*

Me: *takes a bath*

Me: *eats chocolate*

Mean Brain: >:v

Me: TAKE THAT. WE CALL THAT SELF CARE BETCHES