beaze11 - Tumblr blog

[beaze11]

10:50 PM 7/15/23

hey

I just got back from hanging out with my ex before I promptly kicked him out of the car. He fully started condoning the objectification and sexualization of women. God that pissed me off so much. He just kept saying "It's not my problem" OH MY GOD SHUT THE FUCK UP

ew I can't believe I dated him

just needed to get that off my chest

[beaze11]

11:56 PM 7/13/23

I was about to say hey crew but I realized I said that last time. Anyway I've been doing good. I'm at the beach rn. I am currently sitting without a shirt on as I am severely sunburnt.

I've been having a bit of a crisis. I had therapy yesterday and realized I have been pushing everyone in my life away! no wonder I've been so happy haha um... No but fr I need to stop. I may be happy now, but having no friends will eventually catch up to me. So I reached out to people *puked a bit in my mouth*

My therapist threw a massive bomb in my lap. She said my ADHD makes me forget about the people in my life. She said the whole "out of sight, out of mind" thing really manifests in my head. She said I get so used to forming a routine that I forget that distancing myself from others can actually harm our relationship.

Um babe

why is she always right. I've been seeing her for like 5 years now and she just knows me too well. girl can predict my every move. she knows me better than I know myself.

So yah I'm working on repairing my relationships.

bye fo now

Currently watching: I read published fan fiction! (help. me.) by shawn mccomb on youtube

[beaze11]

8:36 PM 7/4/23

hey crew

that's been my new catch phrase. my coworkers are already sick of it. happy 4th. sorry if you're not american and are getting fomo. fr fuck this country but also like I'm grateful for this country. like there is a lot that sucks about this country but there is also a lot that is great. don't for a second think that I am patriotic though. I just think the people who say they hate this country with everything in them are actually being so ignorant to the people in this world that actually live in such horrible conditions. but I also am a upper-class white girl who can't help but be ignorant to the issues that poc face in this country. I also love hotdogs. I hate fireworks though. I mean talk about overstimulation. visually great! audibly horrendous. my dog also hates hates hates fireworks.

In other news: I reconnected with my ex wow. actually crazy. he unblocked me and we met up. he apologized for like everything too which I was not expecting. we've been hanging out a lot recently. I mean we aren't getting back together or anything but we are still super compatible so mine as well hang out.

I'm going to watch the fireworks now.

I was listening to Emergency Intercom Episode 100 while writing this.

happy 4th to all who celebrate

[beaze11]

[beaze11]

6:42 PM 6/7/23

Summer is in full swing

What's new with me? Since my last entry I got tinder, kind of reconnected with my ex, moved away from hayday and reverted back to clash royale. The new little mermaid movie came out and I sobbed for the whole thing. I just love mermaids so much and that has always been my favorite disney princess movie. I was hit with this insane rush of nostalgia. I have always tried to stay in touch with things from my childhood because I don't believe your interests have to change as you grow older. But seeing this movie really made me realize I will never be that person again. Obviously I don't want to be a kid again and I don't behave like a child, but the simplicity and joy that came with being a child is something that cannot be mimicked as an adult.

It's pride month yayyy. My second pride being fully out. My first pride being genuinely in-tune with my sexuality. I really wanted to go to the pride parade this year but I'm going out of town. I bought some discreet ace pins on etsy because I want something that represents that side of me but I can't have my dad finding out. Lucky for me, he has no clue what the ace flag looks like and will probably never come across that information. Multiple people have told me I should try dating women and that I might have a better experience with that. Obviously I've thought about that and would very much love to be in a relationship with a woman but that's SCARY. I am like way more scared to hurt a woman than a man.

I saw paramore live and actually died. I had to call out of work the next day because I felt so sick. I was just feeling such intense emotions and so overstimulated for hours on end. Even when I was young, I always made sure to take a break during concerts but I didn't this time and it had dramatic results.

I also went on a trip with one of my close friends for the first time. Brought out a side of her that I've never seen. She just didn't like this place and showed no interest. I was taken aback because that is literally my favorite place ever and she knew how important it was to me but she just shoved it off. Like don't come on the trip if you're just going to a bitch the whole time. It didn't like affect our friendship or anything, I just won't invite her back. you live and you learn

Currently watching: "how do rich people actually dress?" Mina Le on youtube

[beaze11]

[beaze11]

5:32 PM 5/21/23

I've been at work all day. I really enjoy the people I work with. I've grown quite close with one guy I work with. I'd probably be in love with him by now if he and his girlfriend weren't the definition of love. Well I just got home and I am finishing Mary and the Witch's Flower because I fell asleep last night. I drove to the bank to deposit my paycheck after work but I forgot the bank is closed on Sundays. I've started depositing my pay checks into my savings account so I actually save the money I make. I didn't really save a lot of the money I made this semester. I'm home now and need to do laundry.

same current read and watch

[beaze11]

6:02 PM 5/20/23

I'm back B-)

In my defense, I warned you ahead of time that I would quickly break my posting routine. Anyways, life update: finished school and failed both classes oops, been working a lot $$, it's summer!! so I have a lot of free time and all my friends are finally home which is great. As we speak, I am sitting butt ass naked on my bed waiting for my sister to get out of the shower (it's been 45 minutes). Tonight, I am going to a dinner with my sister's friends' families. She's in a friend group of like 15 so it's going to be a lot. I am also apparently the only sibling going but whatever. If it makes me look like a loser then so be it. I am finally over caring about others' opinions and intend to stay that way. The weather is soooo nice today. I read my book for a while outside and got sorbet. Okay she just got out of the shower so I'm going to go.

Current Read: The Girl Who Drank the Moon

Current Watch: Mary and the Witch's Flower

[beaze11]

6:18 PM 4/6/23

I’m in chipotle. I ordered food ahead of time but I just found out my mom has dinner for me so I’m just eating the chips and I’ll have the burrito tomorrow or something. I’m just gonna drive home soon because I only stay here to get work done. There’s nothing actually stopping me from going home though. It just started raining. Probably gonna start pouring soon and I should really get to my car. I love watching the leaves and flower petals move with the wind. It’s really windy.

[beaze11]

9:42 PM 4/3/23

I’m writing this on my phone because I don’t want to go upstairs to get my computer.

I just finished watching Princess Diaries. Top five movies ever. It’s a perfect combo of my two favorite sceneries: the city and a castle.

Today I did a lot without actually doing a lot. I had to take my cat to the vet which was like an hour away. We switched vets because our old one was too expensive for how much my pets get hurt. So that was like 3 hours. Than I had to come home and make sure my cat was all good and lock him in the basement. Thenn I bought something on Facebook market place. A bunch of small dollhouses. I’m in a doll house phase and I compulsively buy things when I’m hyperfixating on them. Anyways that was also an hour away. But in the opposite direction of the vet. I had to get gas before leaving and I did a bunch of recon on the seller. I had to pick it up in like rural farm lands so I obviously had to make sure I wasnt going to be a victim of a chainsaw massacre. Fortunately, she had no intentions of killing me. So then I drive back home and got McDonald’s on the way home because I hadn’t eaten anything all day. So by doing a lot I meant I drove for 4 hours. Now I have to sleep in the basement with my stupid cat because he’s always getting hurt.

I am not currently watching anything because my movie just ended. But I did listen to four episodes of Emergency Intercom while driving today. That’s a podcast btw

[beaze11]

4/2/23

10:34 PM

Heyyyy

Happy April! This is my birthday month and what I consider to be the start of spring. I have a love hate relationship with spring because I enjoy the weather but it means my work starts becoming busier and busier.

I am currently sipping on a black cherry high noon (bless high noons), scrap booking, and watching the movie Thirteen. I guess I'm also blogging. I am actually horrible at multi-tasking but I'm even worse at single-tasking. I will lose focus to quickly if I'm trying to focus on one thing at a time. I just realized I need to go get the pictures I printed at CVS.

Today, I just worked from 10-6:30. We weren't super busy even though we were expecting to be superrr busy. Sundays are my favorite because I get to work with all my favorite coworkers. I was taken aback when my celebrity crush (he's not actually a celebrity. he is just in a band and went to my highschool) came in to my work. He used to work there so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised, but last I heard he was in Turkey.

ALSO, I got a car! crazy. My dad and I drove like 4 hours on wednesday to go pick it up. I loveeeee it. I finally have a car that has bluetooth :DDD. I used to be stuck with CDs only. When I was picking up the car, my dad and I went to get lunch an I literally can't stop thinking about the cashier. She was stunning. Love at first sight fr. We talked for like ten minutes before more customers came. She recommended this soda that was so yummy. Sad that I'll probably never see her again:(.

Tomorrow I have to take my cat to the vet. And I am actually free of obligations on Wednesday! That never happens. I always have work or school. I'm planning on going to a museum. Maybe shop a little. The possibilities are endless.

I am currently watching Thirteen (duh)

[beaze11]

3/31/23

10:36 PM

Don't expect me to keep up with this. I only really go on my computer for school, which is only two days of the week. I work the other five days.

Anyways, I wanted to make it clear that I'm aware my title/name thing is cringe.

I'm currently sitting on the floor of my bedroom getting ready to set up a mood board. I've had this massive cork board leaning against my wall for years, so I'm finally making use of it. I pretty much just printed out a bunch of cartoons, mermaids, fairies, pretty plants, etc. I just want to be Hilda. If you haven't seen that show, you should really watch it. 10/10. I also cleaned my room last night which was super random but I'm really proud of myself for taking my own initiative to do that. I left college to come home for the semester to focus on my mental health. I was having regular suicidal ideations and I knew I needed to come home. My mental health is weird because I'm super self aware but don't have control. Like I have these suicidal thoughts and I know they are bad and can stop myself from acting on them but I can't stop them from entering my mind. This took such a deep turn. I just wanted to say cleaning my room is like a huge sign of my improving mental health. If your room is messy, this is your sign to clean it. The hardest part is starting. My version of a clean room is a clean floor, no clean surfaces. I have to many knick-knacks. Oh I finished that book. Very very good. I immediately added the rest of the books to my amazon wish-list but removed them this morning because I'm just going to check them out of another library. My stomach hurts because I ate buffalo wings tonight.

I am currently watching a youtube video called "The Most Interesting Scene in Steven Universe" by James Woodall

[beaze11]

3/30/23

3:19 PM

Currently, I am sitting in my schools library attempting to pay attention to my online class. This is a nearly impossible task considering I have extreme ADHD, didn't take my meds, and this class is 3 1/2 hours long. There should seriously be a limit on class length. Instead of actually paying attention, I usually end up browsing the book selection here. This library uses the dewey decimal system which my brain simply refuses to understand. So I wander the aisles until I find a section of books that actually interests me. I located the graphic novels section and picked up something from there. I picked up Saga by Brian K Vaughan and Fiona Staples. I wish I could say I read the synopsis and that's what prompted me to pick it, but in reality I chose it because there are boobs on the front. What can I say? I am a bisexual innocent girl who can't actually be in a relationship with a woman because my father is homophobic. So I resort to reading books with boobs. I would also like to point out that this is my second time taking chemistry. I failed it last semester:/ But I did actually pick up on some content last semester which allows me to pay only 40% attention to class and still pass. I am also convinced that opening a soda can in a silent library might be the single most anxiety-inducing thing ever. I am currently addicted to watermelon redbull and consume 2 cans in the time I am in this library. Well I will give an update on the book later.

I am listening to All Thing End by Hozier (aka my God)

7:51 PM

I am out of chemistry and "in" my next class. I put air quotes around in because I am not actually in class. I am sitting in a Chopt restaurant. I got really unlucky with my calc professor and his teaching style does not work for me at all. So I instead find a place to work (library closes at 7:/) and I study calculus on Khan Academy. Even though I get sick of Sal Khans voice, he is my savior.

I got the apple/craisin/goat cheese salad. It's what I always get because I rarely try new things at restaurants I go to regularly. I enjoy this salad but I only really get it because I am forcing myself to eat something with an inkling of nutritional value. I'm probably going to get a crepe for dessert though.

Oh an book update. I am so invested in this book. It's taking all of my will power to actually study calc instead of continuing reading it. Unfortunately, majority of the boobs appear on hideous evil monsters which takes a bit of the appeal away. You take what you can get though. btw I'm joking. I'm not into alien porn.

I am listening to Heavy Heart by Bartees Strange

[beaze11]

I have always wanted to start a blog and my friend suggested tumblr. So here we go I guess:)