because3am-blog

[because3am-blog]

Croydon with a bag on :)

Soooo... Went to vote today, it was awesome, felt like an adult for once :) For the first time ever I voted conservative, my reasoning aside, I never ever thought I'd check the blue box and it was actually quite exhilarating! Probably the closest I have, or will ever, get to that thing where you hang a noose around your neck, stand on a chair, in women's clothing, and furiously masturbate! It felt so wrong it was almost erotic. But for whatever reason that had to be my choice. I won't continue into my political opinions, you don't really care, and neither of us have the time. But due to the location of my polling station I found myself in a new and novel part of Croydon. She's actually quite pretty if you get the right angle. I found a spot below a tree and installed my headphones. Just to fulfil the cliche Louis Armstrong's wonderful world in ears, still a great track. And it is here I find myself wondering if Croydon was a person who they would be? My first thought is blatantly your go to white van man, page 3 on the passenger seat aside the crust of this mornings bacon sandwich. Brown sauce not red. Actually on the subject, what is it in tomatoes that makes them stick so resolutely to crockery?!? Three times around the dishwasher and still it resides? I wish I was that pertinacious! There we go, moral for today, try and live life as persistently as ketchup on a plate. Think il see how large an object I can stick to the wall with tomato purée this weekend too, and it's cheaper than no nails!? But back to Croydon, whoever they are they're confused, confused and perhaps insecure, I passed comment to a wonderful lady friend lady week; “my favourite thing about Croydon is that you can wake up, hair pointing all directions, pull on whatever clothes are physically closest to you in any random combination, rub charcoal into your teeth, spray on some stale dishwater, walk out the door and no one bats an eyelid”. She seemed of the opinion that it's rather better to strive for more, but I don't know? I think it's either a great thing people are so diverse and tolerant, or perhaps a depressing reiteration of how little others care about your presence? Let's go with the former, remain positive huh :) So they're not fussed about outward projection, anything kinda goes in Croydon, it's quite cheap for London, has a certain sort of charm despite its flaws, and anyone can fit in here. This is the point I realise that Croydon is, unashamedly and wholeheartedly, that girl in the bar you know is a sure thing at the end of the night. Probably got a few issues that you can choose to overlook or drink away, maybe she's not the prettiest but she does have some redeeming features you can direct your gaze upon, and come on you're no Casanova! She's not fussy, a few drinks as a gesture of good intent and the night is yours. Sure you'll wake up bitter, ashamed, resentful, even fain redemption by putting her down to your mates the next day, but it's ok, we've all been there, and chances are you'll be back again...  Croydon you saucy minx you ;)

[because3am-blog]

Preceding My Conclusion..

Sooo.. A short while ago a dear friend of mine suggested I put pen to paper. Someone I admire, and perhaps friend feels like a belittlement of this individual's meaning in my world, she has in fact been instrumental in my life as of late, and helped firmly fix a smile to my face during a rather turbulent period; alas I digress. I believe she lives firmly in the delusion of my intellect, the blessed fool, however, nothing ventured and all that! As to what I should write I haven't the faintest, I think beyond my humility (remember I said that), the firm belief that what I have to divulge is of little consequence, I have never felt the pull to write for lack of topic and motivation. Yet here I am, at least I suppose this could indeed prove useful as a backlog, a point of reference, proceeding my probable institutionalisation. So to you, the reader, my condolences, I can only imagine the misfortune that bestows you to end up with either the time or the inclination to humour my pen (or buttons, it is like 2017 after all, why do we even still have pens, surely we're beyond such a primitive medium of expression)! Maybe, this, right now, is one of those grounding moments in life, you, and at great haste, should take a minute to reflect, and forge a different path forward? You're right, it's not my place to say.

The only thing I feel I could possibly impart with much grounding in use, would be a glimpse of the world through my eyes, novel huh? But perhaps, I like to question things, actually everything, and maybe this could evoke a thought in you, or maybe better yet you have an answer for me? I have always appeared as a well disguised alien to many of my peers, my family especially, for reasons unknown I struggle in equal measure with a childish inability to accept the world in the condition it is in and the inability to invoke change in any capacity. Fundamentally I appreciate change starts at home, but it never seems enough, and that alone in itself is a struggle. But to my eyes (dazzlingly blue, in case you were wondering) we have fallen, almost unknowingly, into an experience of mediocrity. Perhaps it is with the advent of technology, perhaps with our busy urban lives, or could it be some sort of Palio deficit, where we have moved so far from our roots as a species we have lost track of our senses. Most likely it is my own pessimism coming into play. But I cannot shake the belief that we, here and now, are not living well, at least not to what we deserve. Allow me a minute to explain.. (Please also refer to my previous comment on humility). Life, whatever it is, is a sensory experience. We can get into all kind of long debates on its meaning, or purpose, or even its tangibility. I confess to knowing almost nothing on many of these matters, and all of the above topics could never be bought into the realm of scientific scrutiny and quantified as such, so each and every person should and will have their own personal relationship with these questions. But as to its application, that is where we do get a degree at least of authority. So it's on the up! And yet we appear so frivolous with it? I think my mind started pondering this issue when discovering the amount of people who cannot remember what they did, yesterday, last week, a month ago. And you know what, I couldn't remember either. And these are people young, people with quick lively brains, eager and waiting to pour in memory's, to catalogue your adventure, and hopefully, with any luck, to enjoy and relish in when old age arrives. In plato's republic a particular line has always stayed with me, it is within Socrates dialogue with an elder, on ageing, it's toils and  blessings... "To the man conscious to himself of no unjust deed, sweet and good hope is ever besides him". But what of the man who is not conscious of the majority of his existence? Regardless of good or bad, morals and ethics, what if you, and I, are living unconsciously. If I cannot remember now, what happened last Tuesday, in 50 years I stand less chance still. And at what consequence comes of this. On one hand I would muse that you cannot learn or grow or develop without appreciation of the effect (or affect, does anyone really know the difference?) of the events occurring in your life; and that's important. Alas I do not feel I have the patience now to further explore why this is the case ((however I can thoroughly recommend the book Descartes error (Damasio Antonio) for anyone who cannot persevere any further into this text without an informed perspective on the importance of cognitively processing experience, it is quite possibly explained even chapter 1, go wild, catch you soon!)). But fundamentally, I think it is more prudent to focus on the fact that if you are not readily absorbing your days you are probably not using them correctly. And you don't get many, really you don’t. For all that I have forgotten, I can remember with great certainty what happened on Thursday 21st of November two years ago. On that day I parted with someone more dear to me than I believed was possible, for one reason or another our union came to an end, and as if it was yesterday I can recall the feelings and emotions and memories with better resolution than a Sony super HD 4K 10578479479 megapixel display with full Dolby surround sound. And you know what, I'm glad of that. It is a moment in my life so bleak, yet so meaningful, and I carry daily the things  learned from that. But shouldn't every day be that way? Obviously by this I do not mean heartbreaking and depressing, but vivid! We seem to have coloured our days in mono. We no longer seem to relish in taking in the full splendour of each moment. We no longer notice birds in the sky, absorb the smell of the air after a heavy rainfall. (Should my aforementioned friend ever stumble upon this I am sooo going to get a comment about my needing to partake in some kind of late night adult activities, perhaps she'll be obliging?) We take the company of our dearest for granted. We no longer listen to music, at least little further than as a mild distraction from the peripheral noise of the world going about around us, or indeed our own thoughts, let's keep those dragons at bay huh? We take no comfort in the luxuries of necessity, cooking a good meal at the end of the day, tending the garden. Without another paragraph on what it is (I feel) we do not seem to appreciate I will resolve my point. It appears we are allowing ourselves to be distracted from the beauty in the world, and if we do catch a glimpse of it not nourishing ourselves on every morsel of it, but by what, if our days are so forgettable. And the pessimists in us hold on so closely to our worries and woes, we stress fitfully on matters yet to even come into fruition. I forbid the realist within a voice. Of course these phenomena can be easily explained away. But they do not have to be, what probably feels like ages ago, I attested the fact that this is one realm we can gain at least some purchase. So of late, I have been endeavouring to absorb as much of my life as I can. Not just the good, the bad too. It almost seems taboo in our sociocultural mindset to feel negative, even with negative feelings seeming to be the predominance of our days. It is appreciated that you will 'get over' whatever grievances come your way with haste and as little fuss as possible. And whilst I agree it is best to rid yourself of upset sooner rather than later, I do not believe it advisable to skate over feelings to the comfort of escape. The most sobering moments in my life have bought about great changes in my outlook, given me an appreciation of aspects of life I might have otherwise overlooked, and above all reinforced a courage within. You learn you can cope with a lot more than you expected, often better than expected. And with that courage comes the ability to navigate life confidently, freely, openly. I still have a long way to go down that path, and am far from the authority on living a life free from the restrictions of fear, but all progress is progress. I guess what I am getting at is that there is benefit to be had from all that comes your way, if you do indeed take note of it, and apply it to your advantage. If you're happy feel really really really happy, if you're sad feel really sad, love unconditionally without fear or strings, give of your heart, what benefit becomes anyone by exerting half measures of emotion, it's the only medium we have to appreciate life! I have again fallen away on a tangent. Apologies. I resume. So in an effort to absorb experience, I have spent the time to reason with myself the parts of life that make me happy, the aspects I aspire to, and at heart keep those as the focus of my days and see what benefit my way come. One thing I will give myself credit for is the ability to wonder, my brain is both my biggest asset and my greatest daemon. I have to know all things about all stuff, because what how why and when and who. Apart from sports, sports are just rubbish! Anyway, with my nice concise introduction over.... I hope you gleam I am not as pretentious as my words may suggest, I know I am as useless at life as everyone else, probably worse, and I make no claim to possess anything other than my own thoughts and beliefs; which will vacillate with the weather! And use these words as an attempt at maintaining my focus and even maybe drawing in yours.