becauseyou-promised

[becauseyou-promised]

[becauseyou-promised]

You’ve been through a lot. You are still trying to recover. You’re not even at the beginning of the process yet. You’re trying to skip a lot of steps to get through the finish line. You have to remember there’s no shortcut in healing. It’s not going to be too long, if you are just taking every step with the time you need for each.

It is not going to be easy, but it’s not going to be that hard. When you learn that your one foot is already forward, you are even going to notice that you are already walking through the path of healing.

Your recent pain was just today and you are already jumping into another water without checking it’s temperature so as your own condition. You need to recover from the previous frostbites you tried to endure because of those previous relationships that turned your soul into stone cold.

It’s okay to have thoughts of moving forward but it doesn’t mean that you need a lover to be with you along the way. You’re stronger than what you think you are. You heal on your own with the aide of the people who care for you and be ready for the next set of gale in life but never jump into the hurricane in front of you; nor runaway from it. Just stay still. Know your strength and don’t let the storm put you down. Hold on to your backups–your family and friends–face the tempest together.

Now you want to be okay. It’s okay not to be okay as they say, but please let someone know you need you’re not okay. Don’t just show them your fake smiles and laughs, let someone know you also need help.

The journey’s not yet done. You may still perpetrate things that might make you suffer again, or things you may regret doing in the future. Just allow yourself experience it but make sure that you are getting stronger as you deal with it.

Nobody talks about how suffocating it is to start from scratch. To wake up every day fighting. I struggle with the older versions of my that linger in the shadows of who I am.

[becauseyou-promised]

I’ll never get to see your precious face;

or whisper words to make you feel safe

I’ll never get to hold you tight

when you can’t sleep at night

I’ll never get to sing to you a sweet lullaby,

to calm you down when you cry

I’ll never get to fall asleep with you in my arms,

all bundled in a blanket to keep you warm

I’ll never get to hear you laugh and giggle

or see you little toes wiggle

There are many things I will never get to do,

but the hardest is not being with you.

[becauseyou-promised]

[becauseyou-promised]

You didn’t stay for long, but in those precious few weeks, you changed me forever. Your absence has gone through me like thread through a needle. Everything I do is stitched with its color. You never arrived in my arms, but you will never leave my heart.

For several days, I slept. Whether this was a necessary part of physical recovery or a stubborn retreat from waking reality, I do not know, but I woke only reluctantly to take a little food, falling at once back into a stupor of oblivion, as though the small, warm weight of broth in my stomach were an anchor that pulled me after it, down through the murky fathoms of sleep.

It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.

Heaven and earth may separate us today, but nothing will ever change the fact that you are my baby.

I’ll love for forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.

[becauseyou-promised]

I can cut you off and still love you. I can stop speaking to you and still care for you. I can let you go and still wish you the best. I left you, it's not to be bitter or petty. I left, for my own good. I let you go, it's so that I can accept still being able to love you but can also be happy without you. I can accept loving you but not wanting and needing you for me to be happy.

[becauseyou-promised]

[becauseyou-promised]

[becauseyou-promised]

[becauseyou-promised]

I knew that this moment would come sooner or later. I knew that I wasn’t strong enough to fight for you but I somehow neglected that feeling. I thought that the fact you were fighting for me so hard was enough.

But it wasn’t. It takes two to tango and I was the one who messed up things here. And I am sorry for that. I am sorry that I let you go all in, without any intention to reciprocate in the same way. But just know it wasn’t because I didn’t want to, it was because I couldn’t.

You know, you can’t just tell your heart what to do. It is not a machine so you can’t turn it on and off. The heart is a complicated thing and you need to be careful when dealing with it. Too bad I wasn’t careful with yours. I never thought that you would fall so hard for me.

I thought that you would stick around for a short time and that you would leave, like the rest of the guys I dated. But you had different plans. You decided to stay with me, with someone who was bruised, broken and totally fucked up. You stayed and you waited for me to get my act together.

You held me while I was fixing myself, telling me that I could do it and that I shouldn’t give up. But too bad that I gave up on myself a long time ago. I gave up on you.

Baby, I gave up on us a long time ago. And you couldn’t even see it in my eyes, since I pretended everything was okay. I didn’t have enough courage to tell you that things between us would never work. I thought that we would fight like I always did with the other guys I dated. I thought there would come a day when you would yell at me, telling me that you couldn’t stand me anymore.

But that day never happened. You were always there if I needed you. If I called you in the middle of the night, you would respond and tell me that I shouldn’t sweat the small stuff.

You were so full of love and attention but I, on the other hand, was a cheapskate when it came to emotions. That’s why I want to say that I am sorry. I am sorry that I suck at showing my emotions. I am sorry I suck at showing that I care.

I am sorry that I treated you poorly. I am sorry that you had to fall in love with me. If I could change anything right now, I would change that. I would never want to see you broken like you are now. If I could go back, I would do things differently. But I can’t. And I am sorry about that.

I just want you to know that none of this was planned. I am not a monster. I am just a woman who has been hurt too many times. And that’s why I am keeping my heart closed to anyone who comes near.

That’s why I look like the unlovable one. That’s why I am sad. But most of all, I hope that you will find the strength to get over me and that you will forgive me.

I hope that you will realize that it wasn’t my intention to hurt you and that you will forgive me for the pain I have caused you.

I also hope that you will find love because you are a wonderful human being. I am sure you will make a great husband and an amazing father. I just hope the next woman you fall in love with will know how to cherish you. I hope she will give you everything that I couldn’t.

I hope she will love you like she has never loved anyone before. And most of all, I hope she will be the one.

I am sorry.

Please forgive me.

[becauseyou-promised]

[becauseyou-promised]

[becauseyou-promised]

[becauseyou-promised]

“How long they choose to love you will never be your decision.”

— Drake

[becauseyou-promised]

[becauseyou-promised]

“You’ll always be my favorite ghost.”

— Florence + the Machine

[becauseyou-promised]