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Friend or foe?
Until recently I had never considered being friends with an ex. I had always held the belief that if a guy no longer wants to be in my life or if I no longer wanted them in my life then that was final. No more texting, hanging out or doing anything remotely friend or boyfriend like. But with the current breakup with Bryce consistently eluding my conscious and unconscious thoughts then maybe there was something to that.
I have been complete sleep free ever since the breakup occurred over a week ago. I have constantly been in a dream state involving past, present and future events involving my ex and how things would be different if things were different. Some would say, and by some I mean Sigmund Freud, that my dreams are sorting and expressing my subliminal thoughts that are suppressed from my conscious mind. Keeping this idea in check I've decided that would being friends be an ex be such a bad thing?
Bryce and I had split on semi even terms; those being him being brave enough to call it and me being in denial that my effort over the last three years was soon to be all for nothing; but completely aware that the relationship needed to end. So I guess in this context would a friendship really be that bad?
I'm sure only time will tell if this train of thought is more damaging than healing, but one thing I do know for sure is that the worst thing about this break up is that I lost my best friend and I'd like to have one of those again.
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Fate or fiction?
I often pondered upon the notion of whether two individuals are undeniably destined for each other or whether timing of multiple factors influenced the likelihood of the existence of a friendship or relationship. Finding myself blind to the mistreatment in my relationship I couldn't formulate whether this 'fate' concept was in fact a realistic idea or whether it was something that us lovers tell ourselves in the hope that people won't betray the trust associated with relationships.
I had been in love with this boy for three years and even my greatest desire and strength could not keep him from ending the relationship on a formality of the future variety.
This is partially what has led me to believe that this notion of fate may not be true. Sure we all like to imagine that there is only one soul out there for us that would result in eternal love; but what we forget to consider in the algorithm is that people change. No one person remains the same forever, and unfortunately I believe this influences the fictitious factor of fate, love and soulmates.
I guess the only question is, how do we as humans eliminate the fiction?
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Today I was told that my hours as a manager were to be cut. Now with bills to pay and things to buy, I could not deal with this. So I told me boss that I wanted to become a crew member... A crew member, after almost 5 years!!! So not Only is it demoralising for me, I've been rejected for that too!! My boss is incredibly ever. Great for me right? But my co-in store managers have really got my back with getting me what I need from my work. Cross your fingers for me! Love ALoneWarrior
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What if?
So it's been quite a bit of time since I last wrote but my workload has just become crazy as of late! Today I saw an old flame at work and it made me think, what if? It really made me think if I wasn't with my wonderful boyfriend now, would I be with him with him or would it be different? I honestly didn't know. I had known this guy for three years almost now, but until recently I was his boss. And that made things difficult for us, Up until this year he was also underage, me being only two years older didn't really make age an issue, it was more so that he was too emotionally immature for me. When I saw him today, I realised just how much he was like my boyfriend, brilliant but didn't know where he wanted to be in life. The only different e is that my boyfriend is two years my senior. So I guess what I'm questioning is, is whether age is something that can define our willingness to be with someone, was I scared of dating a younger guy, or was there just not enough chemistry in the end for he and I!? I know chemistry isn't an issue for me know with my current boyfriend. But I guess it just made me think. Over and out ALoneWarrior
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Under the sheets.
Today I learnt that no matter how hard you try to please someone and help them, they will just end up doing their own thing. I applied for a job today which specified that I could either email or post my application in, so I emailed, but this was no acceptable and I had now missed the deadline. That is very frustrating. Also my boyfriend decided that when he received a smack to the jaw in basketball that his injury didn't need any stitches, so using my first aid knowledge I taped him up the best I could and now it turns out that because his mates said he should get some stitches, he did it! Way to make me feel under appreciated! Lucky for me, I have new bed sheets to crawl into to end today, Love, ALoneWarrior.
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Hunger games.
So today I viewed the hunger games for the first time, and I've got to admit it was good! But that's not the main reason for this blog; that would be the hunger to please other people. Today I went leavers dress shopping with my younger cousin for her year ten leavers. I soon found that she was more swayed by the judgment of her family or the store clerks rather than forming her own opinion, which until today I found really strange. My assumption led to believing that she honestly had no clue of what to choose, but honestly I do think she is more worried about others opinions than the comfort of her dress. Secondly, when visiting my boyfriend to watch the hunger games this evening, I was greeted with a television screaming the news at me and a very busy household. I, with a headache, made the mistake of asking if people needed the tv do loud or whether it could be turned down. Big mistake. Getting the third degree about turning up and beginning the evening with a noise complaint is a no-no to the boyfriend who originally resided on his iPhone in a call upon my arrival. But of course, me being the 'judgemental' one, was the instigator of an argument. I suppose in the first instance today my little cousin was the feeder to the 'game' of consumerism and peer pressure, but in the second instance judgement and assumption grew to be the feeder of the game, which I'll call life; just for dramatisation. Although there isn't much that could be said about today's antics, I'd like to note that doing something just to fuel a desire or to attack another person is something I personally would like to work on. Neither of these instances included me, but working on the self through observations can't hurt right? Love ALoneWarrior.
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Apology: click yes to accept
So after my rant on a visible online site, I soon saw myself drowning in anger and bitchiness of girls. Not only did they abuse me by jumping to conclusions, but they also didn't give an apology for doing so. But see, I know better. So today the apologies began, even though my intention was to never hurt anyone, nor was it directed at anyone, people had assumed it was intended for them. And I, as usual had to apologise. But today for me wasn't about the apologising, as much as it was for changing myself, day by day, for the better. I found myself going up to a bare acquaintance and having a general conversation, not only to one acquaintance but to three! I was on a roll! I am one of those people who'd rather blend into the wall than paint myself vibrant colours and stand out from it, not because I hated everyone, but just because I'm afraid of social rejection. And today I began work on that, maybe this warrior won't be so lonely for much longer Done and done., ALoneWarrior.
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Something in the waters.
Unfortunately, there is something in the waters during this weekend, another loved one of a colleague has passed away from illness and the family are devastated. What I can take from these past few devastating days is that time really is so darn short that it is almost unbelievable about how true this is. All I need from myself now is that I step up and treat all people around me with respect. It needs to happen. For my sake and for the sake of others. Everyone deserves to be appreciated. ALoneWarrior
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A vicious cycle
Today consisted of: a definite vicious cycle of hatred, confusion, stress, to the eventuating happiness and excitement of being with people. I confirmed that 'those girls' are no longer to be my friends and the ending could not of been more awkward for myself; a child of a colleague was killed in a car collision, not to mention my current work situation. although the horrific news, of ended friendships, unfortunate and a life being taken too soon; I realised that although all of these things didn't take away the fact that humans could be nice.
I enjoyed a wonderful game of netball; leading into a grandfinal match, and I spent the evening celebrating a wonderful persons 30th birthday.
I think the point of todays blog is that, I'm coming to realise that I cannot change peoples perspective of me, nor can I change their behaviour or judgement in general, but I can change how I see others, yes I had lost some friends of today, but that may be because they were hurting and too brave to say it, or maybe just because they are vicious selfish people; it really wasn't clear. But I decided to change the way I see them, and that consisted of taking them at face value, but guarding myself(Which I was a definite expert in) and adapting to cope with people with differing opinions to my own.
The wonderful people in my life, which I was fortunate of spending time with in my greatest time of need, really helped me to define who I wish to be, and what I aspire to be like; non-judgemental, accepting, tolerant. That's what I wish to be.
And starting right now, that''s who I will become.
Love, ALoneWarrior.,
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Parting gift
Today I threw a product party, you know, the ones where a weird arse chick comes to your house and attempts to sell you products so you feel better about yourself. Well today my best friend was that weird arse chick.
I had a bleak turn out, but that didn't stop me from enjoying my night by any means. By my surprise only have 3 friends, excluding best friend-sales party chick, show up at my door step and my family of course (back up friend-reinforcements), I'd soon realised that I'm really not a popular person these days.
But among all the laughter and gossip during the night with 4 girls, whos only connection was through me, I'd soon realised that these were the type of friends I was after, the ones that I felt don't judge me, nor think that I am a bitch or easily manipulated, both of which I'm not.
So not only was I given a nice little parting gift from my product party, but I too am giving a little parting gift to those girls who aren't worth my time. So ta-ta bitches.
Done and done.
Love ALoneWarrior.
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Dessert gum and other lesser important things.
So although today bought such delights as dessert flavoured gum to stop cravings of grabbing myself a late night snack, I unfortunately don't have such a filter to avoid telling my 'so-called-friends' that their sucky act was OK. Apparently if you throw a party in which people buy products to support a friend in their business isn't a lucky cause, who knew?!
OK, so I knew it was going to turn out that way, not because I have foresight or anything, but because my friend circle tends to work in a hierarchical order of some sort.
Once upon a time I'd of sat at the top enjoying my late night snacks not needing to monitoring my eating, but over the months, sliding down the ladder of popularity, monitoring my late night eating is the only thing I seem to be getting right.
I'm often asking myself whether its worth it, not the late night chewing of gum, but my attempt to stick with a bunch of girls who's feelings towards me fluctuate so often its impossible to read them. I guess time will only tell.
Done and done.,
Love ALoneWarrior
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