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[becomingstrong1289]

7/4/17

Weight:I have not been this weight in a very long time. It freaks me out for some reason. I keep self sabotaging myself. i keep eating shit i havent eaten in so long. i dont want to be fat any more. i was to be healthy. why the fuck am i eating pizza, ice cream, and fried food. there is no reason. it feels so good to get on the scale and see it dropping. it feels amazing to wear clothes i couldn’t before because they were too tight. it feels good to get compliments. its starting to feel good looking in the mirror and seeing someone else. my goal is to be under 200 by owens party. today i did not cheat for the first time in a while. I’ve started over and its going to pay off. I was being lazy and not doing my dishes or going grocery shopping. that made me not want to try to cook cuz id have to do dishes and make an effort. So now my dishes are clean and my house is stocked. no more excuses. Eating at home, packing my own food, no snacking, drinking tons of water, walking on my lunch breaks, if i go out only read the salad menu. Start attempting meal prepping. Just think little as possible and set myself up so i cant fail. 

Money: apparently when the kids are gone, i get sad and spend all my money. i need to get my saving back to where it was. $2000 in one account and $200 in the other. i need to shop for the vacation. i need gym shoes and spanx soon. everything else isn’t necessary. i almost bought zumba classes, i thought about guitar classes. i paid for the concert. Me and Shawn did so much for pretty much free. i packed breakfast and lunch and we letter boxed. basically had to pay for gas. that will be my fun from now on. No reason to do other things. i will be taking natalie to the fair but thats just $5 and maybe something else. were not eating there. fuck that. ill have to prep for that. maybe a picnic for us or something. But i need to save. get my bills paid and keep money in my account. 

[becomingstrong1289]

5/17/17

Ive been sad lately. I’ve been sad for a long time. Years i think. Maybe decades at this point. Life is so hard. This bipolar thing is really starting to make sense. Its like I’m so depressed and then i get an energy about me and i want to do everything all at once and then i get too overwhelmed and irritated and go right back down to depressed. Is it normal to feel like this. It surely is affecting my life. My job is on its last leg, my relationship with Shawn is all over the place, i lose it with the kids and dont have enough energy to be what they need. But this is who ive always been. In highschool i was a depressed mess. Growing up the way i did really didn’t give me a good baseline. is that possible to not have a healthy baseline. 

Work: My plan has been for awhile, go to coding and find a job in that. Annie said it started at $17/hr. Eventually figure out how to go home to work. Once Owen is in school go back for nursing at Saint Anthony’s for my bachelors. It seems so easy. Cardiology is just a cluster fuck with a lot a lot of attitude. I hope this new girl comes in and makes it back to the way it was. I was thinking about attempting to take over putting on holters. Maybe that will get the nurses off my back. Its just unfair to me that i spend so much time on something that isnt necessary and then on a whim get asked to do something for someone else when no one is willing to help me. They only room pts if it is absolutely necessary. I guess nursing is all in the computer now. They cant even look away for a moment. i know there are better ways to deal with things. Today i wanted to figure out how i was going to take a lunch break. That meant asking Tana for help. But she had a meeting at noon and wouldnt be back until 3. So i thought i was fucked. She said i could go at 11, i was so negative and pessimistic i didnt see any other option. I feel like ive been sick for 3 weeks and its bringing me down. I got strep, the antibiotics affected me very negatively, and then i thought i was pregnant for like 2 weeks. One test even came out slightlly positive. Then i finally get my period and it is awful. The pain today was almost enough to make me go home. My body is throwing me for a loop. Im scared to take this stupid medicine for my thyroid, i feel sick, i have a fever constantly, my head is crazy, i have depression and anxiety, this divorce is killing me, i dont want it, i never did but its just happening anyway. i got the paper work. josh is starting to become a stranger to me. its just the weirdest feeling i hate being a single mom of two kids. im so tired and stretched thin. i put all my effort into things like cooking healthy and making sure they bath and brush their teeth twice a day correctly and doing natalies hair nicely and keeping my house clean for us. i see other people who dont do these things. Jodie said i should be more proud of myself for what i do. its hard to be proud and exhausted. is it worth the effort. are there things my energy could be put forth. is health and hygiene and cleanliness so important. Im so down, its getting harder and harder to see the joy in things. im so scare of getting on antidepressants. i dont want to be a zombie. i dont want the sexual dysfunction that comes along with that. I guess i just need to get through work and do everything i can. if someone asks me to do something, just do it. if i get behind on charts, just work until i get it done. if i have to not take a lunch break to get it done, then thats how it will be. a new coworker and a new boss might help the situation. who knows. im scared of the future i have there. i know i had it cushy with jeanette. i dont see it being like that with Laura. Bosses named laura are always “fun”.... just work hard. get yourself out of this rut. stop talking about outside life too. just focus on work. stop with your phone. i deleted fb off my phone. i need a break from that. dont let them see me on my phone. be perfect so theres nothing they can say. fake it til you make it i guess. 

Kids: Owen is thriving i think. Hes a good little boy, eats well, understands and communicated well, funny and loving. Natalie is a ball of anxiety. i want so much to get into her head. my goal was to always have an open relationship with my kids that they would be able to tell me anything. that is definitely not the way it is. She doesn’t tell me anything. Its all a secret and then i get made because its a secret. Today she had an accident and tried to hide it from me. she trashed my bathroom. Im not sure why my 6 year old is having accidents. thats scary in its own right. i am perpetually scare my kids could get molested or something without me ever knowing about it. anyway, i got mad when i went into the bathroom and saw what she had done. there was shit everywhere. just everywhere. Later when things were calmed and she did her punishment i asked her why she has been getting in trouble at school. she opened up when i asked if she needed more attention. she actually got emotional about it. she doesn’t think her teacher spends enough time with her, she doesn’t get enough play time, and the recess people are mean to her. She genuinely teared up over it. i asked her what she needed from me. she wants me to play more games with her. i bought a deck of cards a few days ago, i was going to teach her how to play some games. its so hard to fit all of it into a night. i get home at 530. i have to make dinner by 630. its been nice so weve been spending a little time outside. soon ill have my garden i would like to stop there a few times a week before we go home. anyway. 645 is bath time. They stay in there for about 30 mins 715. then its time to relax. I guess this is a good time to read books. Im so freaking tired by this point. but 715 to 730 would be good for books. and 730 to 8 would be good for games with natalie. sometimes they have been going to bed later. for 730-45 for books and 745=815 for games. by 83o everyone is in bed. i guess ill see how that goes tomorrow. i want the one on one time with natalie and owen. i enjoy it so much. i love friday afternoons with owen. its amazing to have him all to myself. and then when me and natalie are alone its really nice too. we need more of it. i dont know how to be someone she can come to honestly and authorative. i want a relationship that she knows the rules but stays open about if she broke them and takes responsibility for it. I have no idea what any of that looks like in real life. Maybe that kind of thing only exists in movies and adulthood. im her mom, not her friend, i know that but i need her to feel comfortable talking to me and she isnt. The mental health group class i went to talked about “has anyone taught you how to deal with being sad”. No one taught me. it was looked down upon if i was sad or emotional. it annoyed my mom and she made me go away. i remember when my aunt died. i was fine until i saw her daughter and realized she didnt have a mom anymore and i wanted to cry but i had to excuse myself because i was taught inadvertently that is how you deal with sad. i didnt even feel comfortable crying at a funeral. thats sad. and even now, my sadness is isolation, crying alone and hiding everything. and how guilty i feel, just this weekend natalie got sad that we were going to pull out her tooth with plyers, we said it as a joke, and she started crying. i asked her why she was crying but she just clammed up. i was so frustrated i sent her to her room. im my mind i thought it would be a way for her to cool off but now i think if i would have just given her a hug and reassured her we were just kidding she may have opened up to me. im going to put more effort into her. 45 mins per night will be directly spent with them and only them. Im not going to take it away if they were bad. we need time together whether they misbehaved or not. i need to research better discipline methods. besides beating children i was never taught how to properly discipline a kid. time out was good before but natalie is too old for that now. i know things like cleaning and going to bed shouldnt be a punishment because then cleaning and going to bed normally will always be a punishment. i take away her snack but that makes me scared she’ll see food as a reward also. just how the fuck do i discipline a kid that doesn’t affect the rest of her life. one guy i knew made his kid run when she was bad. well i bet exercise will be a punishment when she gets old and shell die of heart disease from being sedentary her whole life. im going to bed. i hope getting some of this out of my head makes for a better tomorrow. 

[becomingstrong1289]

5/8/17

214.2 today. I think im going to secretly drag my aunt heather into being my weight loss buddy. she had to be on the adkins diet during her grand daughters party and she was miserable and i joined her. i didnt have starches and we both skipped cake. i think im going to send her pictures of my food to keep her going. and pictures of my weight on the scale. im excited. its slow but its going down. 

i gotta talk about shawn, i dont want to but i should. im thinking about ending it again. this weekend i went over to his house. not a suprise visit. well his room was trashed. his shoes smelt so bad it made his whole room smell. so bad that he even mentioned it and didnt do anything to make it better. i just want to toss his shoes in my washer so fucking bad. his bathroom was terrible. he didnt have a towel so i after washing my hands and brushing my teeth i had to wipe off on my jacket. ive dated bachelors. All of them, except shawn, have had clean houses. jd was a clean freak, joshs house stayed picked up now and he has a dog and 3 kids, and ryans house didnt have much in it but it was clean. i cant live with a pig. his car is the same way. hes filthy. and btw his car is still broke down outside his house almost a month after it broke down. it makes me think of if were together, how long do i have to wait for him to fix something. fuck that, get it done now. his computer cord is still not replaced. so the gift i got him on groupon is prolly expired now. wasted $9. He has no kids, no responsibilities. He could afford to get glasses. its not a priority for him. His teeth are fucked. Hygiene and health are crazy important to me.  i cant be with someone who has no idea what that means. I respect my body, i respect my belongings, im responsible for myself and for my kids and for my things. i need someone that has the potential to match that. Other things, he kicked a 2 lb dog, scared it into its cage then kicked the cage door closed. the dog was so scared he wouldnt even come out. seriously, that is not a turn on what so ever. im also tired of making ever decision. On the way home i told him, “I know this is a stupid question but what do you want to do for dinner.” It was a stupid question because i already knew the answer. He had no idea and it was up to me. it will be up to me forever. He told me a couple weeks ago he wanted to take me out to dinner and pay cuz i was paying for everything. when the day came, he asked me where id like to go. so frustrating. and so unappealing. And he got to my house friday and told me he lost his voice. he kept trying to talk to me but it was annoying listening to him struggle. then in the morning he would say how he was still losing his voice and a minute later he would lose focus and start talking normal again. that went on for quite awhile. i just ignored it i guess. yesterday i closed my eyes on the way home while he was driving and got car sick. he spent 5 hours in the passanger side while i drove, slept, played on his phone and didnt say anything. well today all of a sudden hes car sick. hes fucking dramatic. its not appealing to be so weak. he likes attention. im not an attention giver. i give it on my terms. im mean like that. im not in the game of changing someone. and to point out everything that im not willing to deal with to him is just mean. its the way he is. it has nothing to do with me. i have my standards and values and he doesnt fall into them. i know he treats me well. when hes at my house, in my territory hes pretty good. theres things but i can deal with him. going to his house just opens my eyes to who he really is and it isn’t what i want. 

[becomingstrong1289]

4/24/17

What i’m learning with my ‘diet.” 

4 meals a day is perfecting fine. Theres no reason for snacking. The food i eat needs to be nutritious since thats all im eating. If i were eating junk, i would obviously have to eat more to get the nutrients from it that i needed. at home, one plate/bowl is a good serving. No need for seconds. At resturants, really half is a good serving and the rest can be brought home. i only ate a half of a burrito and also went to jimmy johns. i had about 3/4th of the sub. i also didnt have chips or soda. water only. Im still trying to do salads if i go out. There will be exceptions like burritos. its hard with shawn cuz i dont want to make him more nervous about his eating habits. i should stop judging him on how he eats but my god is it bad. i just want him to be healthy. i feel like he wants to be but he has no idea what that means. i dont mind some shitty for me food once in a while but in general my food better be fucking healthy. I’m really trying. I didnt gain any weight over the weekend. i was 217.8 today. my next weigh in is wednesday. im excited. i feel really good. i like my clothes getting loose. i just cant wait for shawn to say something. my dad so far is the only one to notice. he lost a bunch of weight too. i feel like when im with him, im a good influence on him. Katie is the devil advocate when shes with him. They eat like slobs. i was just about to say tht i dont understand how katie weighs less than me but i just remembered shes 4 inches shorter than me. im gonna be successful this time. i still want a compliment out of josh. i want him to regret everything. im working on myself everyday. i know my problems will be around still but at least ill feel better. 

[becomingstrong1289]

4/22/17

This week with Josh has been so frustrating. I have been mad this whole week. i actually considered keeping the kids this weekend instead of them being with him. this is the first time i have done this. after meeting his gf and not getting an apology. Monday i asked him for an apology and he looked at me and asked for what. So I had a conversation with a float nurse who is my situation 20 years from now. Her ex husband was abusive in a different way. They had 3 kids together. Her youngest would cry when going to her ex like Owen does when i leave him. She knows how heart breaking that feeling is. Her other kids adored her ex. They were never able to coparent. At events they would leave her and go sit with him because they didn’t see him. But even when they lived with him they still sat with him. I read on my coparenting facebook group that a woman was hurt because her kids were not allowed to make contact with her in public because the father would punish her kids. Alysca does it to Vanessa too. Shes so conditioned she wont even say hi when her mom isnt around. So i know that is a real situation that could happen. So Stacy, the float nurse, stayed hurt for a very long time in many situations because her and him could not get along and the kids were forced to pick sides. Now two of her kids are living with the father and since they moved they have been brainwashed into not talking to their mom. She aches for them. We are pretty much strangers and everytime she walks into our office she tells us about her kids. I can see Natalie doing that to me. Shes a lot like me and i eventually walked out on my mother to live with my dad. My mom was a shitty mother and physically and emotionally abusive. i yell at the kids but i dont beat them or call them names. i try my best but im the discipliner and josh is the weekend dad. Stacy talks about overcompensating with her youngest because she doesnt want to lose her. I do that with the kids. i go out of my way sometimes to make them happy. My biggest issue and regret is being on my phone when theyre around. its just my way of unwinding from my day and staying calm. im so tired when i get home from work and then there are 500 more things to do. i think if me and shawn get together and i have a little extra help my relationship with them will be better. right now there is only one of me and two of them and they are in such different stages of life. its hard to accommodate both of them. my other issue is my high cleaning standards. i need to relax and put it off til the weekend. shortcuts are okay sometimes. but it makes me feel like a failure. So anyway, after that conversation i really started thinking about withholding the kids for the weekend. i really didn’t see it fixing anything. it would just be rocking the boat. So i decided to talk to him first. i brought owen to the park and he called me. So i told him i was thinking about keeping the kids for the weekend and asked him why he thinks i would have to do that. i realized during this conversation that i have to talk to him like i would have to natalie. That they have the same social knowledge. He first said it was about the paystubs. It took him 11 days to send his paystubs to the lawyer and that was only after i asked for it. i told him that that was a frustration but not the reason. Then i asked again. He finally admitted that it was prolly cuz of courtney. And then i brought up how he wouldnt apologize to me on monday. he told me that he was just thinking about dropping the kids off and not about what happened. I told him that it hurt me so much on saturday that i could barely get out of bed. that i was suppose to do something very important that day but i couldnt do it cuz i was so hurt and depressed. i told him i cant be a good parent and hurt all the time. he admitted that he SHOULD HAVE apologized. they he almost said that he apolo....then he changed what he was saying. it is so hard for him to be remorseful. he just couldn’t say the words. finally, after me nagging at him about not being able to say it, he said he sincerely apologizes to me. i bet his mouth was bleeding after that. then i changed the subject a little. i asked him why he would let me go after his gf like that. he wouldnt really answer. he basically said that he was holding owen and didn’t want things to escalate by asking me to stop or leave. the truth is that i was holding owen the whole time. and he never defending her, me or the kids, only himself. he threw her to the wolves like he did to me with alysca. i told him that once i was courtney and i know what its like to have someone you feel should protect you and doesn’t. i told him that he doesn’t know how to love people and he should think about why that was his reaction because that is really important. This whole week ive been sending him quote and descriptions of sociopaths. He fits him to a tee. I dont know if he thinks so or not. theres really no cure for it. he thinks hes better than other people, he doesnt think he needs to apologize for hurting others, he doesn’t know how to love people. so in the end i asked josh if he wanted our relationship with our kids damaged because we couldnt get along. he said no. i told him i want to try coparenting again but i need a break. i said maybe around owens bday ill start talking to him again but until then its just the kids and the divorce that will be talked about. and even that will be minimal. so i fucked up and forgot owens medicine at drop off. it just didn’t cross my mind. so tonight im going out of my way to go skating with me dad. i think ill just drop off the meds with his grandma. i dont want to see the house or let the kids see me and hear owen cry cuz im leaving. it will break my heart. i dont want to see her car there. i dont want any part of it. 

Something very cool is happening to me. i started seeing Luann again for weight management. i have been basically plateaued at 220 since july 2016. i started creeping up again during the holidays and got back down and then i started creeping again so i made the decision to start weight management again. this is the only way i have ever been able to lose weight. as of yesterday i was down to 217.8. i finally got over the first hump. my next will be 210. that is where diane told me she weighed in at. if i can get under that ill be skinnier than her. 200 will be a huge one. i havent been under 200 since my jr year of hightschool. it would be amazing to be close to that when i go on vacaion. my ultimate goal is 180. when i was eating my normal amount of food i was always afraid of not getting enough nutrients if i ate smaller portions. today i kinda realized that i only eat a certain amount of food per day, say 1500 calories. Those 1500 calories better be very nutritious.  this week i ate basically a dairy product and fruit for dinner, a meat and veggie wrap or salad and meat and veggies for dinner. i did eat one sweet potato once this week. i found some bread that is 35 calories per slice and had a couple pb and js. its not perfect but its working. my snaking was out of control before i started the meds. i would just eat constantly. i was like a smoker with unsalted nuts and prunes. i listen to my dad and his diet stuff but i have to remember that he isnt to his goal weight. he still eats fast food and goes crazy on cheat days. i dont need cheat days. i like my cooking and i love veggies. why would i pick pizza when i can eat a steak and asperagus and mushrooms instead. tonight im going skating. idk if hes gonna wanna go out or not but im gonna try to get a salad or something similar to that. i can alway bring it home and eat it tomorrow or for lunch. no biggy. i feel like shit when i stuff my face. its painful. im waiting for shawn to notice im losing weight. that is going to be really cool when he says something about it. 

[becomingstrong1289]

4/16/17

Yesterday was the first day of attempting to co parent with josh. we brought the kids to an easter egg hunt. it was uncomfortable but it went well. when we were at the park, all i could think is how many of these girls did he fuck. its sad. i think if it happens in the future were gonna stick to freeport. Im done going into that town. long story short, when i went to drop natalie off at joshs after skating owen was upset and sick. so i held him and tried to comfort him. i sat on the couch, i could tell josh was antsy and wanted me to leave. i tried to leave owen with josh but he kept crying, eventuallly i just let him cry and said good night to natalie. i walk towards the door and i see a purse. i look at josh and ask what that was. he said its courtneys. apparently she was hiding in the kitchen. so i run in there and shake her hand as hard as i can and say “hi, im josh wishards wife.” like i did when i saw her at tr. basically i told her how big a piece of shit josh was. she blamed me for his abuse and said it was my fault for staying. i just went off. i about grabbed the kids but natalie was crying like she wanted to stay, i was so lost. i yelled at josh for putting us in this situation. i did everything right. i planned a day to be a family. i texted him that i was on my way. i told him two weeks ago that i was still mad and that i was not ready to meet significant others. so she looks at me and asks me if hes not allowed to have a girlfriend for the rest of his life. i stop and look at him and say we already talked about this. one day i want everyone who loves my kids in the same room. not today. im not ready and you forced this on us. there was no reason for her to be there. me and the kids should not have been subjected to that. i keep forgetting things about him. i forget that he never loved me. i forget that he only thinks of himself. i forget that no matter what i do, he will hurt me again and again. i really hope that girl listened to me. im thinking of writing to her and apologizing for going off. she should just have never been in that house. im not mentally stable enough to be surprised like that. she was right, i should have left, but i loved him, he and his family were my everything. it was my whole life and my kids whole life. i left and tried to come back with a clean slate. i put my all into the last two years and he threw it in my face. hes not a man, hes a monster. 

[becomingstrong1289]

4/7/17

Plateau....This 220 is my enemy. I have been here for 10 years. please body, we can do it. Anyway, tonight i had a gyro for dinner. Hey Jeanne, can you please remember that you cant eat that much food in one sitting and carbonated soda on top of that without feeling like absolute shit. gotta go. thought id share. 

[becomingstrong1289]

4/1/17 Parenting agreement

Today I had to go over to Josh's to fill out the parenting agreement. We agreed on everything. That part went well. It was hard to look at him for awhile. I'm not gonna lie, I did my make up and tried to look nice. I want him to notice me and see the mistake he made. When we started talking about co-parenting, I started getting emotional. In July, I picture having Owen's bday party along with his baptizism. I imagine having all of Owen's family there. I finally told him this and told him that my bf will not be there and I don't want his gf there. He then admitted they were not together. She apparently broke it off and he told me he didn't know why. I kept asking what kind of woman could she be to date someone who treats women the way he does. He told me he asked her that.  He told his grandma he didn't care that I was dating Shawn. That stung a little. He really doesn't care that someone is with his wife. I keep forgetting he doesn't love me and hasn't in a very very long time, maybe ever to be honest. I imagine in my head taking family pictures with all of us. There is only one picture of all 5 of us. That's all I have of my family too. I told him I'm so mad at him because he doesn't understand how the kids feel. His parents are still together. I know how Natalie feels. She's a lot angrier than I was though. I talked about the difference between co-parenting and parallel parenting. My parents parallel parented and so do him and Alysca. He even brought up the perfect scenario of a good example of co-parenting. Sitting together at the kids events instead of separately like him and Alysca do. I hate how Vanessa is a separate person when she wasn't with us. That is not going to happen. The kids have a family no matter how many houses it has to live in. All of this being said, it just kinda brought up some feelings I have about him. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise. Me and him have always been good when it came to business. We for the most part have always agreed on stuff like that. We sucked at the relationship part of it obviously. But being so civil and in agreement makes me see the small tiny part of him that I love/loved. So for a few hours I thought about what it would be like to have that part of my life back. Living in that house, parenting together, being together. I realized I would make him sell that house and everything in it. I cant imagine him ever touching me again. It would be too painful. Its so easy to forget the things he has done to me in a moment of good memories. But I have to remember he killed me over and over again. When I was crying I told him I know what I did, but when I came back I tried. I really really tired. He told me he was just too stupid to realize. 2 years of dragging my mind through every resource I could get to make it all better and he didn't even notice. All the lies he told me can never be undone. I could never relax enough to trust him. There will come a day when I'm not angry anymore and I might not hate him either but I cant let my momentary reminisce blind me from what he did to me and the kids. There are pieces that are just unforgivable. He held me down and held me back a lot. Shawn is open and forgiving and fights for me. I have a feeling Josh didn't fight his gf to stay. I have wanted someone to fight for me for a long time. He was selfish and only thought of himself. How many times did I say that to him and he didn't listen. His selfishness lost him almost everything. All I can say to him is "What are you going to do" Where is this money gonna come from? How is he going to be able to live. He cant even pay his bills now. I just don't know. People tell me its not my problem but there's still that tiny piece of me that loves him and I don't want him to suffer like that but his family will bail him out of anything.  I had my review at work. A huge part of my issues at work were my personal life getting in the way. When I was on my anti-depressants I just wasn't able to perform the way I would normally. When I was pregnant my co-workers called me a work horse cuz I just kept going. Once I got on the anti-depressants that just kind of stopped. I thought it was because of my home life with Josh. When I got off them my ambition and initiative came back. I actually got a really good work. My boss called me resilient. I just over come everything. I never thought about it but I really do. I have over come everything that has happened to me and I'm actually doing really well with myself. I hate to do this but I compare myself to my sisters. We all had a different upbringing in someway or another but its interesting where we all ended up. Sam probably had the most stable upbringing. Her parents weren't together but her mom was always there supporting her. She prolly has done the worst so far. Dropped out of hs, two baby daddies, porn, drugs, alcohol, and still lives with her mom. Danielle is the second worse. She did graduate, had kids way too early with the worst guy imaginable, no college, shitty jobs, and still lives at home with her crazy abusive mother. I will say she got the relaxed tired version of mom. Me and Katie had the same first decade basically. A mix of abuse, neglect, and instability. We were forced to see things we should never have seen, felt things we should never have felt and were put in very inappropriate situations. The difference is at 12 yo I went and lived with my dad. That's when me and sam's lives collided and became similar and me and katies changed. Katie stayed with mom. She got the super abuse mother and the relaxed tired mother. Shes still messed up but better than the other two. She at least has her own place and a job. She doesn't hold it together the best. I disagree with so many things that she does. But she never had a mother to show her how to be one. I had Sandy. She saved me and helped me become so independent. I don't know why her daughter isn't that way. Maybe being with mom as a kid made me emotionally strong and Sandy made me independent. Sam is an emotional wreckage. I really don't know what happened. But I compare myself to them. I have a career, kids in school and daycare, that go to the dr regularly, who eat balanced diets, I have my shit together, I pay my own bills, I live on my own, I owned a house. Besides kids, no one else has done what I have done. Why? Why is that? I just have a drive about me, a resiliency that keeps me going forward. I'm always striving for more and I feel like that just are comfortable with what they have. Sam is showing progress maybe. She moved away and had a good job. She did just quit that a move back to Durand. Not sure why. Kinda makes me mad how they said Kentucky was so amazing. Even tried to get me to move there and now theyre back. The other thing that is bothering me is I want to tell my dad that sandy is back up I just feel like he'll get his hopes up. But I think he'll be mad at me for not telling him. idk how to deal with that situation yet. I think I feel better now. I had a lot to get off my chest.

[becomingstrong1289]

3/28/17

Day 8 of my weight loss journey. Today I was 223.2. The scale is moving in the right direction. I ate well most of the day. Stupid drug rep brought cookies and left them out. Thursday will be a challenge. Its dr day and everyone is bringing food. I am bringing veggies and dip. at least that will be there. there will also be taco dip and cake. wtf. How do I resist. Of course it will all be sitting out all day long. I love taco dip. hmmm. Small portions. lots of veggies. Friday, I'm paying for my lawyer. And so it begins. Time to end this stupid marriage. I can't believe I have to get a divorce. I never thought it would actually happen. I really hoped it would never come down to it. I wish the last two years would have made a dent in him. he just stood there and stared at me while I lost my mind trying to get to him. I tried to make everything better. What a waste. Owen will be amazing one day. Hes the only good thing that came from that 2 years. I planned on him for 4 years. I worked my ass off to get him when the odds were against me. idk what it is, but he will be great. I am happier than I was a year ago. A year ago, I was paranoid that the man I was married to was cheating on me and talking to all these women and continually lying to me. a year ago I thought I was going insane. a year ago the people in my life thought I was over reacting. today, those people know I was right. those people finally know what josh did to me. today though, I have my beautiful kids with me, I have a good job, I have a man that loves me and treats me like a man is suppose to, and I know who my real friends are. ugly endings are beautiful beginnings. this will eventually turn out to be everything I ever wanted. I worked too hard on myself and my life for it not to be.  

[becomingstrong1289]

3/27/17

Day 7 of weight loss. Down 3.8 lbs. I could have done so much better. Even today I kinda sucked it up. But I want to write tonight to kind of restart myself. Tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning to do everything right. I had cheese cake tonight and I snacked a lot at work. Today, I was just off. I haven't been sleeping well. I think one good night's sleep and ill be back on track. I pretty much drugged myself. So this wont be long. I really want to get down to a point where Shawn says something about it. That's a goal of mine. I have to find any kind of motivation I can. I feel like when I was picking up the kids, Josh looked at my stomach or me or whatever. I know why he would look at me the way he did. I want him to look at me and realize he'll never have me. I'm gonna do this to show everyone who hates me to treated me wrong they are nothing. And Shawn gets me all to himself. Fuck the rest of them. Tomorrow I start over and I do it the right way. Scrambled eggs in the morning. Salad for lunch. pull out that stupid lasagna. Salad and lasagna for dinner. Were good to go.

[becomingstrong1289]

03/21/17

Today I went back to the weight management clinic. Tomorrow is the first real day I try something new. Theres a packet in there of like 14 days worth of meals and snacks. I think I'm going to make a grocery list and follow it. Its 1500 calories per day. I could be a whole new person in two weeks. I haven't told shawn about this. I wonder if hell notice if im losing weight. he would be the one to see it I would think. I only see him on the weekends. I think it will be interesting to see when he notices. Ashley recently told me she has basically lost 100 lbs. that would be insane. When they ask me my goal weight I say 180. Idk, I think 200 would be a crazy number to hit. going under that would be insane. I haven't been under 200 since I was 16. What if I kept going and made it to 150. Why cant I be within normal weight limits. I really want to get a universal machine. I think it would help. I am scared it will turn into a jacket collector. But I have to do something. I keep playing over in my head that the best exercise is the one youll do consistently. I feel like the big thing is to change up your exercise and throw in variety. idk if that's helpful. Since I started push ups my arms are starting to change. I wish my legs would follow. I guess I feel the muscle is different, theres just too much fat to see anything. Soooo Natalies bday was this weekend and people took pics. I was in some of those pics. I saw a side photo of me on roller blades. I wasn't really that happy with what I looked like, My legs mainly. I just look like a tube of sausage stuffed into skates. I wonder what I look like when im skating. I guess I really shouldn't care cuz its good for me. I really want this time to work for me. Im in a whole different situation with a lot more control over what I put in my body. if I can get my hunger under control I can beat this.

[becomingstrong1289]

2/28/17

I have fallen off the wagon. I have gone like 5 days off my diet. I haven't weighed myself and im nervous. I made an apt with the fat dr. I want to get down to my goal weight. I have realized something. I have been around 220 since I was like 18 or 19 years old. this is practically the only weight I know. This is the weight I know how to maintain. I have never really eaten to maintain a lower weight. that is what I have to focus on. I know what to eat. I bet even if I just ate my normal healthy food, just less as if I were 180 lbs, that I would lose the weight. I don't have to do anything. well I have to suffer I guess. I really need to get my portion control down. I need small container with chop sticks or small utensils. slow down when I eat. water and tea and coffee.

Something happened. this is the true story of what happened. every Thursday, I lose my mind and start thinking about breaking up with Shawn. the distance and time that I don't get to see him get to me. I start to think about eventually getting a new job, going back to school, moving somewhere, marrying him, having a baby with him. it freaks me out. By thrusday, conversation between us gets stagnant and I get bored, I get it, were both working all of Wednesday, thrus, and Friday for that matter. its hard to have a decent conversation. I still talk to Andy. He keeps me entertained, hes easy to talk to. honestly, I still really like him. But I have no idea if I just like the idea of him or if I actually like him for him. Ive barely hung out with him and he refused to be In front of me. I cant remember if theres a spark between us when were together. But when things go south with shawn and Andy swoops in and gives me something to think about I don't know what to do. Andy knew I was going to see Shawn and he kept giving me vague guilt trips over it. he kept telling me to go have fun and forget about him. it was killing me. I was driving to Dubuque and started thinking about how far Galena was from my family and the kid's dad. I was kind of freaked out about it. Then this song came on, Never stop by Safetysuit. Its a song I found a long time ago when I was with Josh, its how I wanted him to treat me. I remember playing it in the car and telling him this is what we should be. About letting every woman know he's mine, still being breathless around each other, never stopping, What a fucking clue that something was very wrong. Well anyway the song came on, the distance thing, and Andy guilting me. I couldn't handle it. I stopped at a gas station, sobbed, texted Shawn that I was done and going home, and went home. I kept talking to Andy that night and in the morning. Then I strted talking to Shawn and it was breaking my heart how broken hearted he was. I was a miserable mess too. barely left the could all night and day. Shawn came over and we made up and he showed me how amazing he really is. He kind of reminds me of the best part of my dad. I remember when dad was dating someone he would buy these amazing gifts. He would take them out and he was just a gentleman. His true self is a little different but I see that in Shawn. Hes a romantic I think. I like Andy, I know he likes me, but hes scared. I could see me and him being something but not if he's not willing. I told Katie that he wants me single and available. But he doesn't necessarily want me for himself. I told him I needed a break from talking to him. that was Sunday. He gave me until today to message me again. 2 days. I don't know what hes thinking. That's not a break. Hes stuck on me. but he wouldn't give it up. hes a brick wall with my favorite ice cream on the other side. Even when I tell him im with someone hes still there. My head isn't clear when I talk to him. He even told me I must really like shawn since im willing to take things slow with him as opposed to when I was trying to be with him, I was pushy. Just wht the fuck. Pushy my ass. This is pushy. Hes pushing me. I don't know what to do with him. I want to  be an asshole and tell him to go away but I freaking like him. I don't want to be mean. But I need to see what happens with Shawn. This could be everything. Andy had his chance with me, when I was being pushy. He should have taken the chance cuz im fucking amazing and I know it. I got my shit together, paid bills, cool cute kids, I can cook like a chef, clean like a mother fucker, and mess around like no one else. im a good woman. I know a lot of people see that. Some people take it for granted and regret it. So Shawn left me a voice mail and I listened to it today for the first time. it killed me. im keeping it to remind myself of how much he loves me when I think about running away again. Please get through this weekend.

[becomingstrong1289]

2/17/17

I am coming up with new inspirations for weight loss

-To feel better in my skin: I want to look at myself and be happy or even feel better in clothes. I want to be happy looking at pictures of myself. those are always the worst. My lower body is always terrible in pics.

-To be inspirational: Next Friday I am giving a presentation about the no salt diet. They looked at me when I told them what I ate like I had found something amazing. It would be nice to prove that to them

-To feel better skating: I hate the back pain I get when I skate and im too heavy. I like being able to skate for longer periods of time. Going faster. All of it makes for a better experience.

-To be skinnier than the people in my family: I don't know why that will make me feel better. I know that  I make better choices than them but it doesn't show on the outside. Theyre quick to tell me I look like I lost weight but also quick to offer me bad decisions

-To make Josh give me a compliment: I know he would if I shocked him enough. Soon I will be going to see him with less and less clothing on. How amazing would it be to also be smaller and smaller everytime I saw him. Make him wish he never did to me. He might have a skinny little bitch in his bed but she will never be able to compare to me. Shes a little girl, im a fucking woman. He will wish I was his.

-To match Shawn's effort: Hes working out now and attempting to eat healthy apparently. Why shouldn't I do the same. If hes gonna be around I might as well try to look good for him.

-To show Ashley I can do it too: Her weight loss was not done is the healthiest way but dammit she did it and shes been tiny for a while now. I hate being a mammoth when I go out with her. Shes like half my size now. She is inspirational though. She was very large and now shes so little. That could be me.

I eat the food I need to lose weight. This would go faster if I didn't cheat and didn't eat so much. I keep reading and trying to keep in mind that weight loss is painful. It is uncomfortable. Like tonight, I stopped eating after dinner. I was uncomfortable for awhile but I got through it. This afternoon I wanted to eat but I stopped myself. I didn't die, I was just uncomfortable mentally. This was only one day but what if I did it tomorrow and Sunday. Three days in a row, Monday I could be down to 220 again. Another 5 days later to Friday and I could be 215. In 8 days I could be somewhere I haven't been in 8 years. How amazing would that be. I just need to stay focused and understand that I will be uncomfortable but in those moments I will become the strongest. I also need to keep moving. I have been good this week and im feeling my tiny workouts. 100 reps a day was my goal. I even did yoga today at TOPS. I walked for 40 min this week. I hope to walk around tomorrow and sunday to do some extracurricular exercises and maybe a walk and the park. what ever. Keep moving. I really think when we sit still toxins build up where body parts haven't moved and become painful. Still backs, joints, feet are all due to toxins building up. I don't want to be sedentary any longer. I really haven't been sedentary, im much more active than the people around me. it kills me the effort I put into my body and really the things throwing me off are portion control and will power. I need to get a job that people don't exist around me. Im thinking about asking Jeanette if I can change my job desriptions. Learn holters and pacemakers and just focus on those. Have my own pacemaker clinics and deal with all that charting. I can focus on EKGs also. Just be a glorified monitor tech. Once we get a new RN she can help with chart prep and breastfeeding of the drs. I wonder if I could get my own office or something. Doubtful but omg how amazing would that be. Stop dealing with patients for the most part, just me and the computer and the drs. Ill even go as far as applying the holters cuz honestly I think I do the best, I never get told I have a junky connection, ekgs are the same. I think im really good at getting clear tracings. But then I remember that the chances of me staying around Freeport are slim. I don't like it here. its scary, im alone. I hate that I keep almost basing my life decisions on Shawn. Im seriously considering going back to school for medical coding. Get paid $35 an hour to sit in my pjs at home. I could easily accomplish it. I already had the training once.

[becomingstrong1289]

2/13/17

So for the last week I started my dads diet again. in the first 4 days I lost 6 lbs. It felt amazing to get on the scale and see 220 again. Scary though since that was my plateau. My goal is in two weeks from sat to be 215. Its not a lot of weight loss but its a weight I haven't been in years.  It would be a huge accomplishment. Today was a bad day though. Over the weekend I gained 3lbs. Tonight I was tired and lazy and decided to take the kids to pizza hut. The pizza was sooooo salty, like uncomfortably salty. I ate it anyway. I don't know why, I was just hungry. When we were leaving I was so uncomfortable. Stomach and lower abd cramping. I went home and evacuated from everything. I couldn't handle it. Why did I do that. I also had starbucks from drug reps from work. They are the death of me, I swear. I want a job that will help me be happy. Why does there have to be so much temptation....in a fucking health organization. Im not gonna weigh in til Friday. I think I do better when I focus on real life instead of numbers. 3 full days of the diet and I should be back to feeling amazing. One other thing I noticed was my acne cleared up. For some reason my face recently started going haywire. Yesterday and today I realized it was all clear, except for tonight, I had a few tiny ones. Stupid star bucks. Tomorrow I really need to up the water to get all that salt out of my body. No cheats. I want to look amazing for Shawn. He's trying to get healthy, quitting smoking, eating better, and exercising, I should do the same. I want to get a universal machine and a power tower with my tax refund. I don't know where Ill put it but I think I would use it. I use to use dads when I got bored. I need an easy way to exercise. I also think it would be good to have that kind of stuff around the kids. I don't want them to be fat. They need to be exposed to this stuff now so it will always be the norm. Im working on it, this whole healthy thing. its a very slow process. I can do it though.

[becomingstrong1289]

2/9/17

Thursday has arrived and I'm not completely on the breakup bus. I'm trying to stay positive and to remind myself that Saturday night is almost here and its fun and im happy when he is around. but texting him is so boring sometimes. if I didn't add any humor in there it would just be small talk and chit chat. 5 days of chit chat is killing me every week. What a fucking mess im in. I want to fall for him but I don't know if I can one day of the week. I hate this whole thing. Being a single parent, working full time, me and him working completely different shifts. its just getting me no where. I wish I could see into the future and see what the right thing for me to do is. I watched a talk about god and how he has plans for you and people go out of their way to change that plan. That he has promised you something, whatever that is, maybe something you have prayed for, and you should be willing to wait for it, because it might not come in the time you want or in the way you want but you will get it. Shawn is a lot of what I want, he is this calming romantic man but its not how I pictured it in my head. Has he been waiting for me. I looked at him in October on facebook. Actually a few times before that.  idk why I did. Guess knew that I thought he was cute. But anyway, in October he was with a girl. So I stopped looking. Two months later he pokes me on fb and ive been talking to him ever since. I just need to be patient. He might be everything I ever dreamed about. I barely know him, I barely understand who he is or what he is about. I have this hankering though. I want to tell him about chase because I feel like it will come out eventually and I want him to know my side before anyone elses. I also want to give him the choice. With josh, I was never given the truth enough to choose my future. If its not something he can understand then I guess that will be gods will.

[becomingstrong1289]

2/7/17

Why am I such a cunt. I mess up a lot of things. I'm always self sabotaging myself. I undo all my hard work in one moment of weakness.

Shawn-about two weeks ago I started freaking out. My hormones were all over the place (is this crazy going to happen ever month, geez). I had made my decision, I was going to break it off. I didn't have a good reason. I do have reasons: I don't necessarily want to have another kid, what if we don't stay together and I'm alone with three kids, I can barely handle the two I have, I want my body for myself now, I don't know if I want to get married again, I want to move to rockton maybe, that's farther away from him, he cant be a priority when it comes to my decisions right now, I don't want him to give up what hes worked for. Anyway, I texted him and said," Shawn, I'm overwhelmed." He called me that moment. He was at work. I don't know if I scared him or if he was just worried about me. it was so sweet and showed me who he is. But still, Im fucking crazy and this weekend before he came over, I again decided I was done. No good reason, just acting crazy. I had it all planned out. But I had a good time with him. There are things I over analyze with him. Like sometimes hes warm toward my kids but sometimes he doesn't want anything to do with them. He says he'd help me with them but fell asleep when I was in the shower. I just don't know about that. I don't know how I feel about him. I sometimes feel like I'm doing what I did with josh. I didn't really love him, I just didn't have a reason to leave. I really want something incredible. But then again, this is incredible. Theres no drama, its just calm. it is something I need but I would like some crazy every once in a while or apparently I make my own. He is a good guy. I'm just having a really hard time letting go and just being with him. Hes so understanding. I told him I can be jealous. He told me I had every reason to be. That completely took me back. Its true but I didn't think he would think of it like that. I wonder if love is instant or takes awhile to develop. Its sad that I have no idea. I've only been seeing him for 2 months. When does love start. its so strange.

Food: I'm gaining weight. Not a lot but about 6lbs. its killing me. Today I didn't eat any salt until dessert. I had a lot of Amish bread. I didn't feel very well after. I don't think there is a lot of sodium in the bread. Hopefully I was good enough all day that it didn't affect my weight loss. I wanted to be 217 by Friday. I don't think that will happen. I just cant do it. idk what my issue is. at work today there were cookies and I put them in a different room. The chocolate is in a drawer. I made Tana put her chex mix away. Im trying to rid myself of temptation. I think i'll be done with the amish bread. Its a temptation. If it wasn't in the house tonight i would have prolly made it a whole day on a diet. Its sad that i really cant say that i can stay on a diet for less than a day. Geez. Tomorrow is another day. Please for the love of God, drink more water. I have been lacking in that dept.

[becomingstrong1289]

01/23/17

I'm not good at keeping up with 30 days blogs. I'm just going to pick and choose. Today....What would your ideal day of health look like? What do I need to do to achieve this.

The ideal day of health would be one where I did not feel guilty for the choices that I made. When I think of health, I think of food, exercise, mental health, emotional health, and my relationships. I bet I feel guilty about all of those things everyday. I'm starting to realize how hard I am on myself. How wonderful would it be to go one whole day without feeling guilty and succeeding in what I put out to do. Let's try it. One day without feeling guilty. I will make healthy food choices, I will drink water, I will be physically active as much as possible, I will be patient with the kids, I will be positive with my patients. I will work my butt off. I will not go to bed feeling unaccomplished. One day. Tomorrow 1/24/17. Whatever is thrown at me I will adjust and go from there. I can do it.