becomingthemoon

[becomingthemoon]

Yesterday I went to the farm that my work gets its local produce from and we made some mint lemonade which needed over 2,000 lemons juiced it was honestly a really good experience and it makes me miss being on farms all the time

[becomingthemoon]

Living in the glory that is the shred of self confidence that came from taking this photo gotta live it uP now tomorrow I’ll be disgusted by it

[becomingthemoon]

Got a new neon sign from savers for onLy $4.00!!!!!! Amazing!! I also am waiting for another in the mail

[becomingthemoon]

A picture of me that I do not hate

[becomingthemoon]

My heartbreak from last year has become parallel to my current heartbreak. I'm doing better than I was a month ago and I have a new job that I really enjoy but I still feel you with me...or at least a part of you. I hope you are doing well. There is a line from Adultmom's Song J Station that says "I'll be sad you were ever in my life in the first place" to me this lyric feels like swallowing a hot coal and feeling it drop to the pit of my stomach with the truth that it brings.

[becomingthemoon]

Git in the box we are taking a trip

[becomingthemoon]

Found this lingerie/nightgown at my favorite goodwill and I wish I could wear it forever!

[becomingthemoon]

Painted some Lil doods with my friend today

[becomingthemoon]

I'm so self destructive I know what I'm doing and I can't help it HAHAHA I think I am an emotional masochist

[becomingthemoon]

Do you ever catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror and you are like...taken aback by how much you hate yourself? Anyone? Haha

[becomingthemoon]

Gotta stop letting boys come over just because they are nice to me...I've done this twice and it makes me so uncomfy I washed all my sheets and i lit some insence

[becomingthemoon]

I let a boy come to my house today in an effort to move past the hurt I'm feeling but he made me rlly uncomfy and he would graze my arm or my hand and I really didn't want him to touch me and then I fell into this rabbit hole of thinking "what if this is how my ex felt abt me when I would touch him" and I couldn't get out and then the boy left a bunch of his stuff here on purpose so he has to come back and get it...anyway I drank a whole bottle of wine after he left and hung out with my roommate

I'm scared I won't ever feel the same way abt someone as I did with my ex but maybe I just really didn't like the boy that came over today and that's ok I think

[becomingthemoon]

I only exist within mirrors

[becomingthemoon]

I feel like...evil for blocking my ex on like every social media but I'm having such a hard time and I don't want them to see what's happening to me because they need to move on and so do I and you can't always be friends with your ex especially if they won't even give you a clear explanation of why they are breaking up with you.

I want them to be happy and it looks like they have found someone that can give them what I couldn't and that's good but I'm not in a place where I can handle that and I want to be able to be sad without worrying that they are seeing it

[becomingthemoon]

Yes, go on.

[becomingthemoon]

I cried a lot today. I cried in the morning when I woke up and I cried in the afternoon when I was talking to my roommate in the kitchen and then I cried on a walk. I wonder if the cashier at the bookstore noticed my puffy red eyes and the red splotches all over my face that only appear in these instances....could have just been from the cold, but maybe it wasn't and maybe that's why he was nice to me. I was supposed to look into scheduling a therapy appointment but I haven't done it yet and I don't feel like I have the energy to. I also don't want to feel like this anymore and I don't want to let what 1 person has made me feel define me. I wasn't expecting to be this effected and it has really floored me.

My brain is very conflicted right now and I feel insane.

[becomingthemoon]

Sarah by Alex G comes on every time I get in my car and it just feels like a constant reminder of the last person I loved...who I still love. I am going to pour my heart out rn because I doubt they will see this (just in case they do, hi Jarik sorry u had 2 see dis). I'm feeling a lot of things tonight and especially because it's a supermoon in my moon sign cancer. I feel like no matter what anyone says I am just not enough! I've got nothing to offer and I want to change that but idk what to do. I have been alone for the larger part of my 21 years so I should be a master at being happy alone but when I think about it all of my unhappiness my entire life has been because I was alone and unlovable and now here I am again but this time it cuts deeper this love we had/I thought we had was so meaningful to me and I'm so scared I won't find anything like it again. I'm sinking back into a bad place that I often inhabit where I stop recognizing myself in the mirror and I cannot make out what I really look like and I start to feel disgusting and worthless and that's not anyone's fault that is just a part of me and I don't think there will be anything that anyone says that can help me conquer those feelings