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i'm playing that pussy like an antique spanish guitar. okay? do you understand? do you- no, don't look away. look at me. it's eating out of my hand. okay? i'm shucking and sucking that shit until i'm sopping. and i'm talking *sopping.* the pussy is everything to me. i'm spreading those legs by force and licking until my great grandma comes back to life and tells me to stop. and even then, i'm still going. you think tracing the ABCs is enough? i'm writing an entire sonnet with my tongue. i'm treating the clit to a moonlight dinner. i'm looking it in the eyes and pulling it into a warm kiss. i'm in a long-term relationship with the clit. we have a costco card together. we're- hey. *snaps* look at me. look at me. did i tell you to stop listening? male, female, fat, skinny, i don't give a FUCK. i'm nose-deep in the funk. i'm huffing that shit until i asphyxiate. i'm between the legs, under the ass, tongue lashing until my cheekbones are begging for their mama, who is coincidentally the clit. i went inside once and didn't come out for a year. rebirthed like a newborn fawn, sweaty and raw. it purified me. i'm pure now. my intentions are pure now

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my favorite coworker told me the scenario she thinks of to fall asleep is she stumbles upon a baby sheep and has to raise it and it grows up and she has to shear it and she says she envisions shearing it so carefully that she always falls asleep at that part

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in absolute tears about the pride module at my work

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would die for a fresh hot corn on the cob rn

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Reblog daily for health and prosperity

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NO WAY

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i get so annoyed when people extend a word incorrectly. what do you mean you had a "hugeeeee" burger. dont you mean a huuuuge burger? are you saying "huge-eeeeeeeee" out loud huh??? you start buzzing like a damn mosquito? well i fucking kill those. so watch out

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i have developed a much more viceral understanding of why bank robbers were widely regarded as popular heroes in the 1930s

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"save me, substance abuse!" i cry. before you can moralize to me about the dangers of addiction, a noble and powerful steed gallops into the room - my horse whom i have named "substance abuse". you learn an important lesson about making assumptions. i snort a line off its back

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maybe if that united healthcare shooter knocks out 33 more CEOs he'll be up to 34 felonies and he can run for president...

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i think im an idiot

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I’ve seen some spectacular snark coming from the case of the dead CEO, but the one in response to the request for the public’s help in finding the culprit “Sorry, snitchs get stitches and that might not be covered by my insurance.” Is among the best.

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