bee-thoughts-noone-wants-to-hear

[bee-thoughts-noone-wants-to-hear]

Hey hi.

I am trying to remember what it used to be like to be this stressed and depressed and how I actually dealt with it. I figured that I used to write some words down, because it kind of helps to get my thoughts in the line.

I don’t know. A lot of things are hard at the moment and I am struggling, so today I am going to write nice things about myself to remind myself that I am not a complete waste of space.

I am a libra! - great zodiac sign, I am patient and careful and stuff right.

I can sing a play piano - I am pretty good at it although I play very sparingly. I composed a piece already at my 18 years old and played it at a big concert! Good good stuff!

I speak TWO languages fluently and on a very high level!

I went to Japan on an internship with one of the biggest pharma companies.

I am at one of the top universities in Europe and although it has been really hard lately, I still passed all of my subjects every year and I am now on course with a very good grade! I can do this.

I am so much stronger and my back pain is gone! - I may have gained some weight lately, but I am healthier and my back doesnt hurt as much. I actually enjoy doing sports and I am in better condition. There’s work to be done but I can do ti!

I am a good listener - I love listening to other people and give out an advice.

I am not a terrible artist - I can draw, I just need to be more supportive with myself.

I am not shabby looking. I think I do look nice with a little bit of makeup.

My hair are healthier! I know my mum doesnt approve the fact I dont wash my hair often and dont burn them with hairdye ever so often, but my hair is so much longer and healthier and thicker. That was my dream and I achieved it!

I am less picky with eating which is awesome.

[bee-thoughts-noone-wants-to-hear]

i hate today. i hated yesterday. i hated the week before. i hated the month before. useless degree. i hate everything.

I am just sitting on the couch, holding tears, because my boyfriend is sitting just across the room, and trying to ‘chill out seriously’, because that is what Harry told me.

Everyone fuck off seriously.

I know I am fucking stupid and not good enough for this fucking degree. I want to leave. I want to finish this and never do this again. This was such a shit kind of a choice but because my parents paid so much for it, I literally am going to drag my ass to pass with the best grades. But for what fucking price.

Everyone on this course is a shitebag. Okay not everyone, but most of the people. I wish, they were nicer. I wish I had a good friend. I wish i was not so stupid so people would like me and I would be popular and everyone would want to be my friend. I am going to block all the cows on my instagram, since ig is the place where everyone is so nice to me, and i dont want them to be the negativity of that place.

FUUUUCKCKKCKCKCKCK

why

i left home to leave all this behind

why

are

people

like

this

everywhere

it is probably me

i hate myself.

[bee-thoughts-noone-wants-to-hear]

Week 11

This week in composition class I have presented my complete and final and finished piece on my Sibelius that finally started working. I have only changed few details, like slurs for violin, because my friend told me that slurs for violinist mean that the passage is played with one bowing. Some of my slurred passages were too long, therefore I had to edit it a bit. We also met up with my players and practised the piece whole through, It is kind of straight forward, therefore it took us only little bit of time, but it all went very well! Everything sounded just right and I hope it will sound good on Tuesday also.

In tutorial class all of us played only one piece. George played Shostakovich and we all agreed he improved so much from last week, when he was obviously too nervous. I played my song, so I could practise again the aticulation and controlling the sonority of piano, so it does not overhelm my voice. It was better, but I think I will loose lot of points in this piece. I will, though, do my best to present it as much as I can.

On Wednesday I had my first experience paying on Steinway in Byre Theatre as I played on the Scholarships concert. Passepied did not go as well and I made few mistakes, but I am serious pro at hiding them, which is good too. It is not good to make mistakes of course, but if we make a mistake, we just have to let it go, and so I do. My composition Last Summer went very well and I was very satisfied. I hope it showed to the audience, that I am a passionate composer and song writer. And that is also a reason why I wanted to play my own compositions at the exam - I may be a pianist, but mostly I use my skills for writting and composing, and I think I should let the examiners know that.

Thursday we learnt about conducting, which was actually very interesting and I have definitely learnt something new. For example, I never knew, that first orchestra conductors appeared only just in late 19th century! And that Beethoven was probably the very first conductor, hurrendous one, yet he was. In classical music there was not really need of a conductor, because there was always the lead and continuo. We all did few exercises how to wave our hands and I must say I found it difficult sometimes as I have basically no coordinations - which is odd since I am a pianist.

[bee-thoughts-noone-wants-to-hear]

Concert 3: Musical Nobility – Sunday 24th April 2016

The University of St Andrews Big Band (Big BUSTA) & Concert Wind Band

I have focused on a piece which is very well known to me – In the Hall of the Mountain King by Edvard Grieg. I only knew the orchestral version and was looking forward to hear an arrangement by John Wasson for Wind Band. In the original version it is the bassoon starting off the main tune in piano while strings are playing harmonically pizzicato. In the wind band it was euphoniums playing the theme at the beginning and clarinets replacing the strings. Tune gradually speeded up and switched between many instruments, which I found very interesting and imaginative. Flutes did not join until later when the piece already progressed into a quite big forte. Everything became big with everyone involved, percussions and timpani adding up to the effect. My favourite bit was when there are the big syncopated chords at the end of the piece. Wind band brilliantly distinguished the dynamics between the big chords and the melody.

In some way, this piece always reminds me of Ravel’s Bolero, because it all starts very quiet with only very few instruments and progresses into a big sound and sonority with the whole orchestra/band involved. The only difference is that Grieg’s piece lasts only 3 minutes or less depending on how much the conductor decides to speed up. Wind Band kept a steady tempo throughout the piece and did not speed up massively which was not what I expected but at the same time it sounded better than some orchestras that have a tendency to speed up too much. They also showed a very nice dynamics, which is the signature of this piece.

The whole concert was very well done and closed by reprise of the medley of Prince of Egypt song ‘Miracles’ which I very adore.

[bee-thoughts-noone-wants-to-hear]

21st of April 2016 Music Society’s Symphony Orchestra Concert

Rachmaninoff second piano concerto with Soloist Viv McLean & Dvořák’s 7th Symphony - Blotting paper

The concert kicked off with Rachmaninoff’s concerto and its first movement Moderato in C minor. Violins and violas playing arco while violoncellos were playing pizzicato gave the movement a real characteristic and originality. From the beginning one could feel all the emotions coming out of the piece. As a pianist I was over helmed by the Viv MacLean’s technique, his tone was so crisp and neat but at the same time the he could get the real Rachamninoff’s sonority out of the piano. It was the second movement – Adagio sostenuto – I have enjoyed the most. It was just so touching; the melody was the definition of sadness and every member of the orchestra and the pianist expressed it amazingly. The music itself was a style which I probably enjoy the most, therefore it was very easy for me to follow the music and feel the music. What I really liked about this concerto was the fact that even though it was a concerto, a lot of times piano was just another part of the orchestra and was not always solo, having the main melody. The equality of everyone on the stage was heart-warming.

After long ovation for Viv McLean and also after the break, the orchestra played Antonín Dvořák’s 7th Symphony in D minor Op. 70. As for a Czech girl, Dvořák is very important composer to me. His music reminds me of home and childhood. Listening to his music again brought few tears to my eyes, yet it was a very lovely music. The orchestra had few flat and sharp moments especially in brass section, but I was very impressed by flutes who, contrasted to Rachmaninoff and also very characteristic to Dvořák, played very important part in this symphony. The whole piece seemed to me more difficult to approach than Rachmaninoff, which is very interesting since Dvořák is my national composer, yet the music was probably more complex – not in the difficulty point of view, but the complexity of the melody line and structure. I however enjoyed the concert and am very happy I attended it. Chris George and his orchestra did amazing job.

[bee-thoughts-noone-wants-to-hear]

Cello Duets! 8th of April 2016

The student audience has had already started clapping while Daniel Harraghy was still on the upper circle getting everything ready for the lunchtime concert with his friend Jason Isbit. Friendly atmosphere of the Younger hall was inviting everyone in and when Daniel and Jason finally came up to the stage, there was no doubt everybody just felt more enlightened already. We were all prepared to hear three duets of Opus 22 for two cellos by Friedrich August Kummer (1797 - 1879). I have never heard of this composer and looking at his date of bitrth I assumed it will be a classical style and I was not too far from being wrong. Starting with Allegro, there were many of classical compoments to the piece but I have recognised many of romantic elements that for example Mozart would never use. Allegro was contrasted by Andantino in which I very enjoyed the pizzicato. It was a depiction of sorrow and sadness while last movement Allegro scherzoso was another contrast to it - it was happy and ifernal and it was a piece for Daniel and Jason to show of their brilliant technique.

Whilst Duet I started with happy and major 1st movement, Duet II opened with elegiac minor, showing the brilliant player’s technique in the middle section.

Cellists acclaimed a wonderful and long ovation and closed off their performance with a cheerful very well known piece The Entarteiner arranged for two cellos.

[bee-thoughts-noone-wants-to-hear]

Week 10

This week at composition class I have presented my almost-finalised composition. I have made an effort to add as many dynamics as possible. The piece is still a piano trio. I have changed the intoduction bit so it flows a little bit better and also sealed some of the composition ideas for better flow. I am really looking forward to playing it with actual intstruments. I think I also found people who could play with me. There is still lot of work to be done - but only just few details.

In performance class I have performed my whole programme. It is a little bit too long, so I will need to shorten it a bit. When I was singing my song, apparently it was difficult to hear me, I will need to resolve this problem, either closing the lid or just sing/articulate a bit more. Passepied went quite well, I will need to think more about the rubato and make the real contrast in the piece. My composition went well, I only forgot one part to play, but I guess nobody really realised that. Bach was hurrendous - but I am really good at masking my own mistakes, therefore nobody really knew. HAHA

I have missed tutorial class, but I decided to do my own research on Alexander’s Technique. I was introduced to Alexander’s Technique at my piano lessons this year too. Alexander’s Technique is a technique that is used at medice and meditation but also in music to help musicians and singers to engange their whole body in their performance, which can then help to improve the performance too. In piano lesson I learnt that I should straighten my back like there was a string that is pulling my head back. Also I should feel free to move around the keyboard and have my feet on floor like an anchor. My elbow should be free moving in any direction. 

[bee-thoughts-noone-wants-to-hear]

Week 9

This week I have been very ill and have not attended my classes, but I have progressed with my individual study. My composition is getting a final shape. The composition starts with broken chords on piano in G-minor, this was inspired by Alexander’s Desplat style. I decided that the composition will be for Piano Trio. Cello makes its entrance after 4 bars of piano’s broken chords, and two bars after that, violin comes along. I wanted the composition to be something like a battle of 3 instruments - I want them to pass the music on to each other to give the piece a bit of flow. I am also a freak into modulations, therefore this composition changes key about 3-4 times. I have finally finished last few bars of the composition and finalised everything, it finishes in the F-minor with an epic fff and F-major chord - pirce de picardie!

Because I have been feeling unwell, I changed my perfoming programme. I will be playing Bach’s prellude in Bb major, 2 of my composition - Last summer, My Last Bow and Debussy’s Passepied. I am looking forward to that, because I have already performed all of the pieces, there I have more confidence. Although there is still lot to work on with Debussy!

Tutorial class was rather very interesting. The topic was “Music therapy”, and I must say I have learnt a lot of new facts. I myself do not really believe in magical and psychological approaches to medicines since I am a future scientist (hopefully), but our tutor convinced me to change my mind around it just a little bit. Music is a non-verbal communication and also a powerful tool. It can cure pain, restores time, enterateints. Hearing is the last sense we usually retain - therefore that is why we talk to people in commas, sing in hospitals (Thanatologists, harpists who play when the person is dying. Music is used for healing - for example healing bowl, which are used for medication but also for migraines. Those bowls are working on principle of physics - it is all vibrations. Vibroacoustic har therapy is another option to cure for example sore back. Tere is also music therapy for children in hospitals to help them to communicate better and express themselves.

Music helps us to communicate with people. At out age now, it is no longer about us - but about how we give it away :).

Long post today - but it was an eventful week.

[bee-thoughts-noone-wants-to-hear]

Week 6,7,8

In week 6 I was mainly preparing for my Piano Scholarship concert in Dundee. Unfortunatelly I have missed my composing class because of migraine and also missed my performance class because I had to change my lab from Friday. I fortunatelly not have missed the tutorial class that was on Rhythm. I very enjoyed this class and was inspired by the tutor to actually try out the stuff myself. At first I was bit shy, when he asked us to improvise. i learnt that jazz is really all about the steady rhythm, the rhythm in jazz is the key and that it takes a long practise to master.

Week 7

In week 7 I came back to composing class with a minor idea of what I would love to compose over the spring break for my final composition. I’d love to compose for piano trio and my micro level ideas came from improvisation of ostinato from piano in G minor. I knew I want the composition sound like the battle of all the instruments and that they pass the melody within eachother. The harmony for me was the key.

In performance class we finalised our programmes, but I decided I will ask to change my fugue to one of my compositions as I am not able to learn the fugue in time because of my anxieties. I also performed Bach’s Prellude in Bb major to the class and I think I did a good job.

In tutorial class we did jazz improvisation and I have never enjoyed the class as much as I did today. I was so inspired that I even asked our tutor where I could get jazz piano lessons. I have learnt that no note in jazz is a wrong note and I myself started few impros on piano that night.

Week 8

After spring break I have finalised my composition idea, there is still bits a bops to change and probably rewrite, but the main idea is there. In class, my tutor told me to maybe thing about timings as the piece sounds too mechanical.

In performance class I have performed my own composition called Last Summer and I think I did a good job as my classmates said it was very nice. 

On Thursday I also had a piano masterclass with Mr Brautigam. He was amazing, he helped me with my Passepied by Debussy a lot, he corrected my triplets and told me to feel more free about my piece and not play it too mechanical.

Tutorial class was on baroque period instruments, which was basically Higher class like last year, therefore only revision for me. But the tutor was very nice and enthusiastic.

[bee-thoughts-noone-wants-to-hear]

Week 2 and 3 of Music

Unfortunately I haven managed to report on my week 2 on the week of week 2, but here we go.

Week 2 has been very stressful due to the amount ofwork I have to do for my upcoming recital in Dundee. Our topic and homework for Composition class was to prepare a piece about ourselfs. I have decided to write a very melancholic piece for piano. I approached in my most comfortable way like usually. I was going through a very hard time with my beloved person and once I jsut sat down to my piano, pressed record and started playing chords and very piecefull and melancholic melody. Looking back to it andd hearing it for few times, I decided that I actually really like the idea of it and learnt the chords and melody by ear and by heart, I did not put any notes down on the paper as I have no Sibelius, but the piece is recorded and I will be able to put it down maybe March break. Presentation to the class went very well in my opinion, I think they all recognized the sadness in the piece.

In performance class I was not going to play that week, but our topic for the class was Practice and how to approach practising. I must say, it really helped in a way. I have learnt that the key to practise is to take slow tempo, keaping beat very solid. Puting downn fingering (for piano). Slow tempo is important for accuracy of rhythm and notation. If I make a mistake, I should go back to the phrase and play the section again, so I do not loose the idea of the piece. It will also be helpful to play in sections and review them all over again until very familiar. Errors in early stages will cause that it will be very hard to get rid of them. Then two of pianists performed. George performed Chopin’s Nocturne in C# minor. I myself played a lot of Chopin, therefore I was able to comment on it and give him few tips like, that he should play left hand a bit softer but yet stress low notes a bit more, but I very much liked that his right hand was nicely singing. Our lecturer pointed out to feel the piano before we start our piece. Kelly played Chopin’s Etude which is very similiar to the Bach’s prelude (C minor) which I am playing at the moment. We all suggested that she should practise very slowly for a while as her playing was bit staggered.

On Thursday on our tutorial lesson was focusing on harmony and how to perfectly tune our instruments. I myself struggled a bit to focus since I am pianist and tuning is not really my concern, yet it was interesting to see and learn by observation. Yet, piano never sounds the same either. It is als about how you touch the keyboard and how you ‘pat’ the instrument.

Week 3:

For Composition class we were supposed to compose something for other instrument given by our tutor. I was given violing. My composition had another melancholic feel to it. My given theme was swirls, so I decided I want to use lot’s of turns and legato movements. From week 1 I learnt about Lydian mode so I also decided to use this mode. I did put the piece in notation but I probably made it too difficult, because my classmate struggled to read it.

In performing class I played Bb major prelude from Bach. I did terrible and I blame it on the piano which was very difficult to play. Oliver performed Bob Dylan’s song and we all agreed his projection of words got so much better from last time. His sense for dynamics was very spot on.

In tutorial class.... oh kbakjdbabda need to write that again. lol

Week 4

This week in perfomance class we were supposed to make an arrangement of another song. I probably did not very undestood the given task, because I decided to make a saddish cover of ‘Accidentally in Love’ by Counting Crows using other singers to harmonise with me. For next week we are supposed to already thing about th final composition idea. I think I want to compose something for piano trio, or piano and strings, something like a film music or in style of Alexander Desplat and Yuichi Sakamoto.

In performance class I played Passiepied again. I have to improve on my dynamic and once again on my left hand. Also I should start be more confident about my performance.

In tutorial class we discussed how to write our programme notes. I should avoird the extend biography or style of the piece as people will know how to do that. More over I should give my opinion on the piece since I spent hours of practising each bar and phrase of the piece.

FAB.

[bee-thoughts-noone-wants-to-hear]

Week 1 & 2

4th of February

Dear journal

I’d love to share my thoughts of the first two weeks in St Andrews whilst doing Making Music module. Even thought it has been only two weeks I have learnt a lot.

I have decided to focus on my piano performance skills instead of voice because I think I am skilled much better at piano than at voice even though I have got my Grade 8 with merit at voice, I still think my voice is a flop and so is my piano but less flop and I actually really really enjoy playing piano (if I don’t play Bach, which I very much not really sometimes usually do not enjoy unless it’s the Prelude and Fugue in C-minor ( I think it was C-minor, yolo.)

Anyway onto the actual things I have learnt for past two weeks. On Thursday 28th of January we had our first Tutorial lecture. I am not really sure what I was expecting but definitely not what I experienced. I thought it would be a very daft lecture about theory and listening like we did in higher classes last year, but I was very wrong. We have learnt about Kodaly’s  technique of teaching music to young children. I myself am from slavonic country and when the lecturer was explaining some of the techniques tat were supposibly used on young children in Easter Europe (Hungary), I have recognized many of them. For example Solfége method - using hand gestures to recognise individual notes and intervals. At first I was a bit confused but in a matter of few minutes I remembered that we used this techniques to sing at school on daily bases! Somehow I knew the whole scale do re mi fa so la ti do, found in the back in the very dusty corner of my memory. It is remarkable, how much we can forget but then in years remember again!

I have definitely learnt a lot about the approach of music to children. It was like learning a hurtfull cheeky truth about how they all tricked us when we were little. They used our playful childish minds to imprint some knowledge of complicated musicianship through games and fun. I am sure we all recognised some of the games, although I did not know the english-language songs as I grew up in Czech Republic. But my school teacher definitely were using Kodály’s method to help us to enjoy music.

On Monday I had my first composition tutorial. And again it was very different from what I expected. We were only a group of 5 people and discussed very deeply the concept of composition. We all learnt that composition is probably ‘musical ideas put together’, ‘expression of emotions’ or ‘music put into an actual structure such as score’. We all got the task to compose a melody 10-20 seconds long in 4 minutes on a condition written on a card which we were given each. I had to be limited onto a Lydian mode scale which I didn’t recognize at first at all. As it is a C-major scale with an f-sharp instead of F, I just thought - nah, I will play something in G-major key and improvise. So I did. Later I learnt about Lydian mode and that it is used very much in films and TV shows. That impressed me and gave new sets of ideas for new compositions. 

For next week we got a homework to write a piece of music 3-5 minutes long - this piece of music has to be personal and it is not limited to anything. I decided to write a piece of music about Sam. I approached it differently than I ever did. I recorded my own improvisation on variation of a tune he composed himself. I decided to use that tune because, when I first met him, I sat in a classroom and listened to him playing his own composition, and even though we hadn’t have started talking properly until next 3 months, I think I have already fell in love with him - maybe fell in love just with the music and the tune. He is a special person to me, because he taught me a lot about music, he showed me lot’s of new ways how to approach it and how to compose. He is also my boyfriends and my best friend - someone I laugh with or cry with.The composition is all about our first meeting, the struggles we had to go through, but also the little joys and laughs, fall outs and my hopes for the next couple of weeks. I am afraid of loosing him every minute. I will definitely need more time than just a week to actually finish the composition and make it awesome and acceptable to record and play for him - but for Monday lesson, it has to be enough as it is just now.

I was very nervous about performance class but I was, again, very wrong. Our tutorial guy is very nice and supportive in any way. I played my Passepied by Debussy and learnt that I should let my left hand be more left-handy (haha). I should express myself a little bit more too. Other people liked it, which made me very happy. They all agreed, that fist part of the piece wasn’t my forté, but they all commented the legatto section to be very nice. Also the ending phrase turnt out to sound nice. Another boy played guitar in our class. His style was more like acoustic pop. His song was about Travelling and drifting away... I loved it. We all agreed that next time he needs project a bit better.

At my topic tutorial we focused on Dalcroze technique which focused on movement into music. It made me very tired and made me realise that I am not as coordinated in music like I thought I was. I struggled to multitask to repeat the music by stepping and also repeat the arm movement. I do not think I was the only one, but I was surprised. As a pianist I use all sorts of movements and multitasking. I have use my fingers, my body to shuffle my weight around the keys, my legs to use the pedal and my brain - memory, ears - listen and eyes - look from which octave I am jumping to next. Well.. I guess it’s all about practise too!

So far it was an eventful week. I am on my way to learn Bach’s Bb major Prelude and Fugue! It will be a challenge, but I have only 4 weeks!!!!!! AAAAAAAAH!

Bee

[bee-thoughts-noone-wants-to-hear]

I wish I was the first thing you'd think about when you wake up. The first person you'd call when you get back home. I just wish we were what we were before again. Please bring us miracles.

[bee-thoughts-noone-wants-to-hear]

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[bee-thoughts-noone-wants-to-hear]

Thylacine is me

tag yourself as a cryptid i’m the montauk monster

[bee-thoughts-noone-wants-to-hear]

Does it make you feel good listening to me crying on phone and you saying nothing? 👌🏻

[bee-thoughts-noone-wants-to-hear]

A pile of broken glass

I am a pile of sadness. I have no right to do this and cry. Then again, what is going to happen? Are we going to break up? I want him to be happy, I want him to do what he wants to do. But naturally I don't want him to leave me. Although he deserves another opportunities, to have more girls and stuff guys want, you know. I will miss him. I do not want to go back to St Andrews. I am happy at home with my parents. I just want to be at home and sleep. After weeks of chill, my tears are back.

[bee-thoughts-noone-wants-to-hear]

I think we are falling apart. It is okay. It was going to happen anyway, sooner or later. We werent meant to be.