beepbeepbeep---beepbeepbeep

[beepbeepbeep---beepbeepbeep]

Sometimes I forget that my boyfriend was in a long distance relationship with his ex wife and then he sends me the nastiest sexts and I’m instantly reminded.

[beepbeepbeep---beepbeepbeep]

Bleeding!

[beepbeepbeep---beepbeepbeep]

This shit was so much easier with hydrocodone

[beepbeepbeep---beepbeepbeep]

being the most left leaning family member means everyone will always think that youre insane and then in two years they will believe what you were explaining to them two years ago but still think youre insane now. and you do it anywaybecause you love them

[beepbeepbeep---beepbeepbeep]

Okay. Should I masturbate now or should I wait to see if I can fuck Sound Guy tonight?

[beepbeepbeep---beepbeepbeep]

Oh my god I am almost definitely going to fuck him

[beepbeepbeep---beepbeepbeep]

I’m about to fuck a guy whose phone number I don’t have.

[beepbeepbeep---beepbeepbeep]

I don’t like how quickly I’m falling for this guy.

[beepbeepbeep---beepbeepbeep]

I love seeing insta posts and tweets that are like “oh I miss tumblr”. Like bro, it’s still here. You miss tumblr? Some of us are eternally stuck here.

[beepbeepbeep---beepbeepbeep]

The way he held my face when he kissed me last night 🥰

And then pulled me in for a kiss by my waist as he was walking out the door 😍😍

[beepbeepbeep---beepbeepbeep]

everyone knows about silly putty, and silly string, but what you need to watch out for is serious putty (C4) and serious string (tripwires)

[beepbeepbeep---beepbeepbeep]

HE TOLD ME THAT HIS DOG IS EXCITED TO MEET ME!!! HE TELLS HIS DOG ABOUT ME!!!!

[beepbeepbeep---beepbeepbeep]

I love my friends but they all have kids and they only talk about their kids and I hate that.

[beepbeepbeep---beepbeepbeep]

To combat Disney retconing Star Wars' Jizz music, we have to start calling cum Jatz instead.

I'm afraid this is the only way

[beepbeepbeep---beepbeepbeep]

[beepbeepbeep---beepbeepbeep]

NUTS. HOME GIRL IS BONKERS. “I asked him to keep his identity a secret and he told me he wouldn’t and then he didn’t so he has betrayed me and now I must kill someone.”

[beepbeepbeep---beepbeepbeep]

Rewatching Game of Thrones and just so confused at how we didn’t all see Danny was going nuts. “I don’t want to murder you but if you don’t choose me, I’ll burn you alive with my dragon.” “We just pardoned someone for once serving the wrong king.” “You won’t bend the knee even though you’ve just met me? Why shouldn’t I kill you again?” Like bitch is NUTS and none of us saw it until the last season.