begecca-blog

[begecca-blog]

Its been almost 10 days straight of 'normality' in this time ive put my beautiful little cat of 15 to sleep and im sick. Like actual temperature sick. Its proof that i am strong. We are strong. However with highs there are always lows and i cant help but live my life just waiting for the lows, no matter how good the highs are the lows feel endless.

[begecca-blog]

Today is a good day. The world is slowly recognising that bipolar is not a choice, its an illness, a chemical imbalance, we dont choose to ball our eyes out. We dont choose to talk your ears off. We cant answer 'whats wrong?' No words can articulate the thoughts or lack of in our darkness. When we wake up after our darkest days we have survived. We have made it.

[begecca-blog]

Finally im feeling level. Not sure how much longer my body can deal with the massive lows. I still manage to hide them well so there must still be some determination in there. I hide the lows often so my existence appears "normal". Sometimes its just what you have to do. I wont even mention the highs. These level times are great, its me, im here....yet in the back of my mind i know that rollercoaster is on its way and it has to go down to get back up......

[begecca-blog]

And then theres this.......nothing. Not a single feeling. Still in a good headspace, sure, but how do I feel? Happy? Ummmm. Sad? Umm. Tired? Umm. Awesome? Umm, nah just i guess like i should be doing more, like i should be doing better. At what though, im not sure. This, for me, is when i forget about how everyone else feels. This for me is the selfish part.

[begecca-blog]

Its always hard to understand how i felt 3 days ago. Its so easy to forget. It makes the lows feel lower when im 'high'. Looking forward to being able to string together an 'even' few days. Why cant we bottle this and sip on it slowly in times of need? So proud of myself for making it to the light again.

[begecca-blog]

I said I will try and keep this going so here goes.......

Something alot of people dont seem to get are the 'highs' the 'uppers' the really good days because its like nothing is wrong. No one talks about them. If you met me today youd think i was happy, having fun even. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) its still a big part of the issue. When i feel super good you probably won't hear from me as much coz it feels about as 'normal' as i get. I will try though.

[begecca-blog]

I wake up tired. I just want to sleep. Sleeping is the only relief i have from the constant highs and lows this disease brings me. Where did i go. This is not who i am. I know theres light at the end of the tunnel but its so damn dark in here. I wake to face another day in my 'high functioning' world.

[begecca-blog]

Its bipolar

I want to die. This happens quite often. On a weekly basis. Why people ask....or thats just selfish, think about everyone else. Well i am, thats why i dont want them to need to pussyfoot around me any more or wonder why im always emotional. The why is because i want it to end. I've been fighting this for about 8 years. Im done. Im exhausted. Ive single handedly destroyed the spirits of everyone around me. What is the alternative? More medication? More therapy? Dont think i haven't tried everything you can throw at me. What sort of quality of life is this for me or those around me?