begrafenis

[begrafenis]

how do i explain to my therapist that even if i feel the happiest in the world i still want to die

[begrafenis]

24-3-25

Bit of an update.

So, I don't think i'll ever be cured from depression but I am in a good mental space. Very stable and dare I say happy. I do feel guilty about being happy.

I still struggle so much with being perceived. I am so insecure about being a person. It's gotten a bit extreme again. I feel like throwing up when others perceive me.

Lastly, I can't get suicide out of my head. I know i'm not supposed to think so much about it but it has always been my safety net. Everyday I think about it and it's not only nostalgic but also a happy thought. It's comfortable. If i'd do it, nobody would speak evil off me no more. I doubt a lot of people actually speak of me anyway but I can't help and think that every single person in my life feels negative about me. I feel negative of me as a person. Anyway, I'm not planning anything and shouldn't talk/think about it anymore. It's just my favorite daydream.

My schizophrenia is fine btw. I often feel like I'm cured of it, but I am not.

[begrafenis]

10-1-25

I'm doing great actually. 2024 was a overall good year for my personal growth. I moved out with the loml. Cut ties with by brother, who is overall also doing fine. Haven't seen him for over a year and I'm really happy about that. Putting distance between my parents and myself is also doing wonders.

For the first time in like 10 years, I feel happy. There might be just some light in the end of the tunnel.

I am no longer Floyd. Still friendly, though. Hehe. Not sure if I will keep updating, I will probably vent from time to time. But as the years will come, my posts become lesser. Which is a good thing.

Much love. x

[begrafenis]

3-2-24

I know the best thing for me was to move out of this small town. It would be hard to say goodbye to everyone, but it would be better. I can't, my partner has to stay here and I don't want him to give up on his family. I will forever be sad seeing my own family in this town. Nobody should feel this depressed over their own family. They hurt me so much. Can't even say what they all did because i'd give myself a panic attack. It wasn't always like that. I used to really love them. Can't keep them close anymore. I can't forget everything anymore. They abandoned me first. My love is not stronger than the pain. God, this sounds so dramatic, and i'm not writing in anger. I wish i didn't have to see them anymore. They let me down. I am all alone again.

[begrafenis]

I have to say this, because i can't tell anyone. And I want it to feel real. My brother (34yo) want to kill himself. Maybe this year or beginning next year. He's been talking to doctors and everything.

He had made my life (24yo) and my parents life into a living hell (since the day he was born). I don't want to go into detail but since a few years he has been depressed. And he has absolutely nothing in his life. My parents tried everything.

I can't feel anything for him anymore. Haven't been able to in a long time. Him telling us he is going to end it has made me feel relieved. Maybe even glad. I wish absolutely no contact with him but our parents tried to force this before. Today we had an argument. Again, I don't want to go in detail. He ended up attacking me. I'm covered in scratches. I tried to force him out of the house. My mom tried to help me but she is very weak atm. He left and I blocked him on everything. I just hope he will quickly be out of my life and my parents. This story is far more complicated than I could type out now. But this is how I feel and I no longer feel guilty about feeling relieved if he killed himself. I know this is selfish and that I am not really the victim in this story but I can't help how I feel anymore.

[begrafenis]

13-5-23

God I wish I weren't me. I want to start over, this life isn't working for me. I don't think I was given a fair chance anyway.

I long so much for sleep, it is my favorite thing to do. I wish I never had to wake up again.

[begrafenis]

4-3-23 2a.m

I didn't get that job. Luckily I kept my old job. It didn't feel real anyway.

I'm slowly taking lesser meds. It's a atruggle but I want to keep going. I've been on meds for 7 years. Firstly trying to quit my anti-psychs.

It is scary. I still am schizophrenic, after all. Somehow I feel more connected. Lately I've been finding a strength in myself. I want nothing more than to be no more trouble and to be someone to feel safe with.

Right now, in the middle of the night, my partner is sleeping against me, hiding his face. I want to protect him.

I'm not sure how things are going to be. My sleeping will be shit.

Will I find out who I really am? No more nights wondering if I am real. Perhaps I can finally connect to myself again.

[begrafenis]

I want to quit my medication to see if I can live without. Since i've been stable for a while now. But tonight I got very distressed and now i'm really down. This scares me.

I also am getting a new job, which also scares me. Don't get me wrong, I really want that job but it's scary. For the first time in a long time my live will be going foreward...

[begrafenis]

It got better. Didn’t harm yay

14-8-22

I’ve come very close to self harm, a few times now. It’s a shock I didn’t. I just can’t stop thinking about it. 

[begrafenis]

14-8-22

I’ve come very close to self harm, a few times now. It’s a shock I didn’t. I just can’t stop thinking about it. 

[begrafenis]

8-8-22

How did I get from the grippy sock prison to having to be the rock of my family? Why did I have to grow up so fast. I am trying to heal my inner child but you won’t let me. I just don’t get it. How can you favor the child that is so goddamn afwul and dislike me so much?? He’s 11 years older and got to live his fucking childhood out. You fucked me up so bad and you don’t give a fuck anymore. I was only ever given attention when I wanted to kill myself. You’re the reason I cry without sound. 

I am so full of rage. 

[begrafenis]

[begrafenis]

angry.

Stupid bastard of a brother. How dare he talk to me in such a dumb fucking way. For years I’ve been hoping he’d just leave so I won’t have to see him anymore. He anoys the fuck out of me. Selfish bastard.  Ughhh I just don’t want any contact anymore but he keeps coming back like a cockroach. 

[begrafenis]

29-6-22

My brother is probably going through a psychosis. Like he thinks he’s a prophet and won’t eat anyting anymore. My mom’s looking out for him. I guess it runs in the family, huh. We don’t really like each other, but I guess we’re still related. 

[begrafenis]

[begrafenis]

Me @ me: If i’d never watched suicide room on youtube (at age 13), i wouldn’t be in this mess. 

[begrafenis]

10-6-2022

It’s me again. I’ve been thinking a lot about self-harm again. Like a lot lot. I don’t know why, my head feels kind of clouded. Maybe my mood is going down again. It’s like a constant thought. I’ve located all usable objects in my house in my mind. I don’t want to relapse, I really don’t! But seeing my faded scars triggers me beyond myself. I’ve got all these traumatic thoughts coming back to me. How my shrink would call the scratched instead of scars, making me think I have to cut deeper to be taken seriously. 

I’ve also been thinking a lot about my inner-teenager. Maybe this all belongs together. 

Maybe I got triggered by some media i consumed. Just a book, though. I can handle all the horrors of the world but reading about a depressed teen makes me... feel like a depressed teen again. 

Another stupid update, but I’m trying to control my eating behavior again. I hate binge eating and try to eat way less. Like, basically only as much as I have to. 

There’s also loads of other crap about my body illnesses going on, but I can’t be bothered to write that down, it will only make me relapse faster lol. I’m just really stressed I guess.

I can’t have new cuts this summer, please, not again.