beingsabbie

[beingsabbie]

So my last post was depressing enough so today I decided for a lighter topic.

Today I would just share a small story that left a huge impact on me.

So since I was a kid I have always had issues with my leg. My left leg is longer than the right one so I basically limp while walking. And so people especially the kids back in my school would make fun of me. And I was this stupid person who would get hurt but won't say anything. I would let people bully me. I would let people walk all over me.

Till 9th standard I only had one best friend. Well we started off as friends then foes and now? Families. It was in 5th standard when we truly became best of friends. So I guess I was late to my new class for some issue I don't remember by like a week or so.

And in my school , every year the kids would get shuffled to another class. So I obviously didn't know and I went to this one class and sat. When the teacher was calling out names for attendance , i realised she never really called out my name. And my roll number was either 1 , 2 or 3 (it depends on the admission number) and so I decided to wait until she was done with it and then I told her she missed out my name. And she's like what's my name and I gave her my name and she tells me that I wasn't supposed to be in this class as my name wasn't in the list. So she calls up this teacher who shuffled people all right? And so she looked it up and told me that this isn't my right class and so and so is my class and I packed my stuffs and got up to leave. And exactly at that moment , I felt awkward. I felt like right now somebody is gonna just straight up laugh out loud and make fun. I hurriedly rushed out of the class and started to search for my class as I was late by 10 minutes. So when I got my class , I go in and she's like how may I help you? In a sweet tone and a soft smile and I told her the entire mess that happened and she told me to get to my seat. And there was only 2 seats empty at the back. So I settled there and as teacher continued with her lesson I just sat there with a blank expression as I knew nothing about what's happening. And exactly at that moment , she walks in and suddenly I have this frown on my face. And I think 'she's in my class? Just great ' and I was so angry and so was she. And she sat right in front of me. And I'm like "there we go..." So suddenly the teacher was like "why don't you help this new kid , out here people?" And then she asked my name as she forgot and I politely told her my name.

Few moments later , my friend just turned around and gave me her diary. I eyed the diary and her. She wasn't looking at me but anger clearly evident.

So without saying a word I accepted her diary and noted down the time table and she was helping me with all the works...for a week and somehow we became friends and now we can't live without each other. We are that close. I remember a few days before my dad died , we had a huge fight for some reason and I said I don't ever wanna talk to you. I had blocked her on Facebook. And few days later my dad died and I needed her the most. But my ego got the best of me and I didn't call her but called my other friend who I met in 11std. So when I called her , she wasn't pickin her call up and we had some issues going on between us so I sent her a message saying my dad's no more. And she called me a second later and she talked to me and I couldn't talk to her much and she was in india so she couldn't be with me so I told her to tell the other friend. And she sighed at my ego but said nothing and told her abt my dad.

At afternoon she calls me and I pick it up and she's like so pissed that I didn't tell her abt dad but told someone else to tell her. I reasoned with her that she's not someone else and she's our friend and she's like idc okay? And then she sighs and goes like so where do you stay and I said I don't want her to be bothered so it's okay. She said she's near but she's lost... I gave her my address and then I was standing out for her. The moment I saw her , I broke down in her arms. She hugged me tightly and was trying to calm me down. So did her mom and sis. They got us food to eat as well as you don't cook for 3 days when someone dies. So she was there for a while and then she had to leave as her father had to go to work. The next day my father was gonna be buried and I told her and she said she'll be there. And I was calm during the entire ride to the cemetery I was just sad and blank.

There was this room for ladies in the graveyard so we were in there when I got a call from her. She's like asking me where am I and she's already here. After 5 minutes she called me and told me to come out and I saw her waving at me from afar and I ran to her and hugged her and again I broke down.

We were given some time to meet dad and we all were there and so was she with me. Holding my hand and consoling me. I was just broken and she was the one who handled me. A lot that day. She still tells me that she hasn't ever seen me cry like that. She was like I cried in front of her a lot but this was more painful. She's been my friend through thick and thin. She always helped me when people would bully me. She would give tit for tat where as I be like why the hell would you do that?

So thanks to thus bullying I couldn't go anywhere without being unconscious of myself. First the weight and then the leg issues just made it worst for me. I never wanted to join university as well for this reason but tbh people there were mature enough and never really made fun of me. Not only my friend I have few male friends who also stood up for me when they saw someone bully me. They would always be pissed that I wouldn't stand up for myself.

So today's moral of the story is that you shouldn't keep quiet. You have to speak up before it's too late. Don't be an idiot that I was. I decided to be quiet and that's what made them walk all over me. Don't do this to yourself. I'm learning to love myself and so should you.

[beingsabbie]

Sometimes what you say or what you do can be contradictory. Nobody understands under what conditions you had to change yourself. I remember the time when my dad died... It was a tough sight to see. Imagine getting awoken by your mom and hearing "his nerves are not working. Please check it for me I don't understand what's going on" the first thing in the morning. I knew my dad was dead the moment I checked his nerves. I couldn't break it out to mom that's he's dead. I myself couldn't believe it he left me. He left us. And I will forever be in guilt because I never got to say sorry to my dad. We had a fight the previous night and I thought I will say sorry to him the next morning like I usually do. I never got a chance to say sorry. And trust me everyday the guilt kills me.

We called up his brother and though they lived close , they decided to come an hr late because they were having a shower. That's one thing that pissed me off about them. Because my father if he heard something like this , he would've ran at that moment and left everything to rush to the family but his brother was a jerk. And tbh i hate his wife and kids and for personal reasons we never really got along neither did my mom. And so when the entire fam showed up we were shocked. I remember my aunty coming up to me and hugged me and I did what I was t supposed to do. I gave in and I cried and trust me that's something I wished I hadn't done because I hate her. But she forgot everything and came to our house so I let go at that moment. And then a few days later on eid she called us to celebrate it with them and I was hesitant because I had promised myself I will never step my foot in her house. But my mom told me I need to let go off my anger and go because they came to us when we were alone at that time and stayed with us everyday... I felt odd going to their house and now I talk to them I mean the kids so happily. I haven't forgotten not forgiven them but the situation is such that I had to bend my morals to be in peace. And that's something I will hate for the rest of my life. It's hard going to their home and talkin' as if nothing happened.

Sometimes you have to give in , in life. That's one lesson I had learnt the hard way. My dad would probably be happy to see us talking to them but I really don't like them. I do talk nicely to them and that's why I said what I feel and say is contradictory to what I actually feel sometimes. And there's another lesson I learnt.

Always ask for forgiveness when you feel you're wrong. Never wait for tomorrow because you never know what's tomorrow gonna bring for you.