beisej

[beisej]

It's 10:23 am, on a thursday. I haven't been to work this week. I don't miss work. I need a long break. Definitely longer than a week, and definitely a break full of internal silence. I'm listening to lofi, something called "endless hues", I do not love it.

How have I been doing lately? I've been doing awful. I think it's awful at least. I've let myself go, in the ugliest ways. I think I'm getting back at myself.

It's 10:55 am; I cleaned a bit and came back. Changed the music to "deep waters by dirty three", it's more fitting. You know, writing is a bit of a reprieve isn't it? I'm so all over the place, all the time, but now, I feel calmer. I can take a breath. Another intermission. It is now 11:09. Went and fed the cats. Let's get back to it though. Why have I been feeling awful? Why am I getting back at myself? I think there's this cycle, that sometimes I unfortunately end up getting stuck in. It's never been this bad though, not the feeling, because I've definitely felt worse, but the extent that I'm willing to go in order to feel that feeling? I think I want to hit rock bottom, so I can finally get out of this cycle, but I keep going lower and lower, and I'm not finding that rock bottom. The idiotic thing is that I can control a lot of the things making me feel horrible. I don't know. I'm sad, I'm tired.. I need to write a statement for Texas A&M. I can't be dilly dallying right now. I have to work. Bye.

N

[beisej]

Everyone has a different life. Every single person has their own experience, their own ambitions, their own seperate lives. It's so baffling. I was watching the sunrise today and some car took the wrong turn, and I watched on as the car menouvered, I kept thinking "what is this person thinking, where are they going, what do they worry about". It's hard to wrap my mind around someone elses existence. Outside of myself, there's so much going on though. How do you extend yourself to fully comprehend the insignificance of your existence in relation to the surrounding? It doesn't really matter though, does it. Ultimately, I have a life, that I need to live (endure) to the best of my ability. I think I'm depressed. I don't want to do anything. I should go buy groceries though. Maybe then I can come back do nothing.

N

[beisej]

It's 2:16pm and I'm sitting in the sunroom. People always complain when I go on monologues about the beauty of the weather, I never understand why. Isn't there a lot to be said about the weather? or nature? Does it not effect everyone the same? The windows are open, and the breeze keeps hitting my face. This is taking so long to write, I keep getting overwhelmed. The sound of birds chirping, the soft breeze on my face and the green trees outside are enough to make me cry. There's so much beauty in nature. Breathe in, breathe out. Close your eyes. Inhale. In this moment, I could genuinely cry. There is so much peace. How can a person be this heavy when there is so much gentleness in life? I'm so tempted to postpone writing this and just close my eyes and let the wind do what it wants with me. A romance with nature. An ode to silence, an ode to solitude, an ode to longing. A moment of purity. A cleansing of the soul, maybe not a complete cleanse; the soul is too burdened to be cleansed fully. A soothing of the soul. I wonder, does a soothed heart clear the mind? or does a clear mind soothe the heart? I think it's the latter. I don't understand why I'm so burdened. Why can't my heart let go? Why is it so heavy? What have I done wrong?

I think I need to meditate. My heart is not being too kind to me these days, or maybe it's my mind. I need to cook soon. Maybe I need a break from the external. I think time with myself would be good. There has been too much noise around me this past year. Maybe I need to let people go. I've always found that comforting. It's the bad side of me. The not very nice side. I hurt people sometimes, I don't mean to. I've convinced myself there's no other way. Anyway, I'll figure it out. I finished cooking, it's 4:15pm. There's no rhyme or reason to any of what I'm writing and I think I like it this way. Everything in my life has to make sense at all times, I want something that makes no sense. I'm trying to make sense of my heavy heart though. I have a couple of ideas as to why I am so burdened, and it's a testement to how weak I am unfortunately.

that I went back to vaping.

that i'm not praying

i'm not consistent with my workout

i wake up late

i'm not working on the project

PhD

Why are these things making me feel so burdened? So what? So what if I fuck around a bit? The instant thought after that question was "well I've been fucking around for a good while now". Ugh. I need to sort my shit out so I can enjoy the weather. I need to be better. But I'm okay now. I'll enjoy the stillness for today.

Time to go, need to check on the food.

N

[beisej]

I needed a place to write; this is where I ended up. It's 11:16 am, I'm sat in my little office listening to Chet Baker and my mind keeps wandering off. This is in no way meant to be clean writing or even well thought of. I literally just want an outlet. I probably should be on PubMed but here we are instead..

It's a Wednesday. We're on summer break.. Doesn't feel like a break though. I have a project that I need to work on & I have exams to write. It's not a lot, but it's enough to keep my anxious brain occupied instead of peaceful. I had a meeting with x. Do we need a backstory on x? The man that got away? Anyway, I had a meeting with him and he stares.. a lot. It's not uncomfortable, but if I was of a softer disposition I would break break breaaak. Fortunately, it only provokes a certain curiosity and a tad bit of wistfulness. I'm not a "what if" kind of girl, but he definitely makes me wonder what would have been. However, I have yet to be broken and thus we move on. A stray cat keeps sliding in to my office, and I need to keep shooing it away. I had to close my door, I hate having my door closed. Stupid annoying cat. I went on a little stalking spree. Went on his wife's page. Her and I are so similar, it pisses me off. If she was a little different than me, I would've thought "so be it, he would never have fallen for me", but we're so goddamn similar. At the end of the day though, it's consoling to think "I don't really know her, I don't really know him and it's probably for the best." It wasn't meant to be. But why does he look at me that way and why does he smile at me like he knows me. Ugh.. it's annoying but he's married. He's married. He's married and I am who I am. I'm confident and safe in who I am. I would never ever, not when he's married and not when he was single. They're just thoughts. I'm allowed to have a little curiosity and I'm allowed to wander in my own mind a little. I'm safe. I love myself, and I'm safe. It's a curious thing self love. I never thought I'd reach a stage in my life where I would love myself this much, but I do. It allows me a reprieve from the perpetual self flagellation that I've endured all my life. Anyway.. time to go home. N