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Amélie (2001)

It was cute. I laughed a lot, and I wish I was more like her... but it must be a talent to be this self centered, no? Unflinching self assurance, real belief you're doing good and will not let yourself down. I find it almost alienating how her small world has a well established order, manageable patterns, hidden meanings. I think that it is rather than she herself chooses to see the world like that. I want it as well, the ordered world, and I know it's possible because I know people who do and they lead small and satisfying lives. It's not working for me because I'm terminally online. I think that if I manage an internet detox and try go back to a lifestyle 40 years ago I will be more content.

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Imaginary Girlfriend

Maybe I should. I like myself best when I like someone. And when I like myself I'm at my best. I seek contact, I don't waste my time, I make an effort in everyday activities. But then I'm really scared of dealing with other people and actually have a relationship, because I don't want to potentially behave in a shit way and then realize I'm terrible and unfeeling. Just not now, when I feel a lot of general anxiety and have a degree to complete. An imaginary gf might be it - I get the stability and excitement of desire without the risks and confusion of real people. If I have the imagination for it I will go for it, it's good. Part of the plan.

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Reminiscing

I've been having nostalgia dreams in the past few months - maybe 1/2 a week, periods of my life, people. In today's dream I met up with a classmate from primary school I haven't seen for more than 10 years. She was pretty and even smalltalk felt so nice. Waking up felt a little bittersweet. I moved schools when I was 10 - I didn't know how to socialize back then and so I lost touch with people, and I forgot how they look. I think it was a formative experience for me, the first time I lost someone. I remember names and cherish the moments tied to them still, and I just think sometimes... Maybe I was never as happy as I was back then. I had a good childhood and so many vivid memories. I didn't have regrets back then, I hadn't hurt anyone, I loved people. Afterwards, I learned shame and guilt. I learned distance and politeness, how to harm and make excuses for it. I let friendships go in pursuit of I don't even know what. Now I'm left with these perfect memories sealed in time and a longing for something I used to have. I'm thinking, like, happiness is so fragile, and it breaks and one keep the fragments and hopes and waits for someone to mend them. Nothing lasts, one just collects new pieces. Is it a life sentence, to carry this sadness and desire to return to paradise lost, a time where things were simple? Why does it feel so good?

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Ma Nuit Chez Maud (1969)

My Night at Maud's is the moral tale that refutes reason, Rohmer's answer to the Christian ideal. Amidst a romance with an uncertain future, male lead Jean Louis decides to drift away from free spirit gf Maud. Personal agency leads him into a premature marriage to another, a choice made with respect to belief in god and perfect sensibility. Maud only meets him by chance on a beach 10 years later, now with kid and happy. And that's just it. A few glances, some flirting and an empty exchange offer no resolution, abruptly ending the encounter and the film. We are left with a sweet fragrance and a bitter aftertaste. Our leads were selfish and hypocritical but precious all the same, and I so so wished it worked out for them, together. Nevertheless, I take from the final scene that averse to betrayal, time and absence, a spark endured. As if Rohmer asks "God, sensibility, reason - what do they matter when compared with the heart?" This is one of the Christianest ideas I ever saw in this unholy medium, namely that the mystery of the holy spirit resides in each relationship we have. A film I wholeheartedly believe in.

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Bigotry is So Sexy Sometimes

I love bigotry sometimes I can't help but like it. I've always felt an ethnical minority so I have been subject to it, but I'm no victim. I'm an active agent too o7. I consider some instances of bigotry, extremely cute. You say one thing, I hear: "No matter how you are, how the world is, how you hurt me and how I hurt you, I want to be with you. Our friendship is stronger than years of discrimination." I really believe that relationships require they be experienced as this kind of unconditional, and a flirt. It's inexplicable almost. Bigotry, if accepted in friendship, can be a tool to affirm it as a space for two. I think that prejudice is only a stance towards the world - objectively it can be harmful, but subjectively it can close distance and establish trust. As if one says "I can hate people but I like you, in a vast world, I choose you", I think that this is friendship.

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"Zizek on Christian Atheism"

A Zizek Talk I recently listened to. In typical Zizekian fashion it starts off thrmaticallly and then disintegrates into arbitrary tangents on culture, politics or whatever.

I think Zizek believes in certain marginalized readings of Christianity more in line with Hegel Kierkegaard Gospel of Thomas Chesterton. The death of Christ is interpreted as the emancipation of history and the death of transcedental authority, leaving only the Holy Spirit, a community of believers. And then one can identify only with their actions in it as opposed to Bhagavad Gita etc - one and their actions are divorced by a higher purpose. It's seemingly much more atheist to be have believed and then become disappointed in god rather than disavowing his existence. The lessons of Christianity are in emancipatory dimension of universal equality, the community, and the moral compass it protects.

The Monthly Digestif Presents: Slavoj Zizek on Christian Atheism

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- This is where her story maybe changes a little bit. - Herstory? - Her..herstory. This is where herstory changes a little bit.

- Whoa. Thank you. - Thank you, Zac. You Are one of the good ones. - I've always said it. Zac Oyama - one of the good ones.

- Dimension 20

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Three Diverse Bodies Problem

Trying to write an apolitical adaptation of a politically charged work results in inevitably bland series. China is cancel risky (endorse = nazi, criticize = racist) therefore dechinify the story, take out any cultural taste it could have had. Choose instead US clone country setting, taylor for midwits who clamor for novelty but can't handle anything they can't comfortably reduce and patronize. Don't want to deal with the conflicting value systems and political groups? Textbook neoliberal literature - 1 rewrite it about a quirky group of friends against adversity and drama, 2 dehumanize anyone who doesn't agree with MCs as mentally ill fanatic thus wrong. The characters from the book are nuanced, resilient and flawed, people will get offended. Write the same characters as every other show, women perfect but emotionally vulnerable, men pathetic failures who redeem themselves by virtue of their girlfriend, good content. And no, we cannot cast only latina babes with small boobs and big ass. I think that every choice they made was the soy way out, and I am disappointed I am part of the people who watched this.

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"A People's History"

Frank Dikötter describes a chronology of the Cultural revolution and its aftereffects on Chinese society, contextualizing it in modern Chine story.

Following the failures of the GLF and Soviet revisionist destruction of Stalin, Mao attempts at reaffirming his purpose and power with a new political project. This time purging counter revolution means destroying "capitalist" culture. Red Years chaos erupts in 1966, plunging rabid indoctrinated youth, party members, ordinary people victims, then military into factionalized violence (groups are not unities!). Mao and certain people make use of it to eliminate opponents consolidate power until all controling effective military dictatorship emerges. Black Years students and ordinary disgruntled people are purged to countryside, finally following the Lin Biao military around 1971. Economically, 2/3 of the industrial budget is meanwhile wasted on relocating the industrial complex Third Front. The Grey Years see local communes disintegrate into more efficient pseudo feudal (tithe) cadre operated privatised economy. Black markets, underground factories, family privatised collective assets make a dynamic system to replace the inflexible stupidly homogenized Dazhai model of collectivised self reliance.

F Dikötter - The Cultural Revolution: A People's History, History Today 2016-9

How does a commune operate and why was it so ineffective, why was planning so apparently bad? What the heck are French Maoists?

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"You know what it's like watching Scrubnoob play Rengar? It's like you're there and you're looking at a guy and he lasts for 5 hours in bed. He has a fucking 12 inch cock. He's there and he fucking, he does everything, like fucking... It's like this guy is fucking insane and then it's like you look down and your name is like Greg and you have a micropenis. And it's like how THE FUCK can you ever even compete? It's like why do you even bother trying, you know what I mean? That's what it feels like watching Scrubnoob play Rengar, it's like what is even the point of this?"

- Dantes

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"The Prince and The Revolutionary"

JC Milner compares different ideas for leadership during change, exploring Machiavelli, Descartes, Saint Just, then Lenin and Stalin. He supplements a Lacanian S1 S2 reading of revolution.

As I understand it, he asserts Sain Just's analogy of a boat at sea - a revolutionary is an explorer with the audacity to act as guide. Amongst the crew they know more than the rest, namely how much they don't know. Lenin was too idealistic. The former put their trust in the flow of history, but in October 1917 effectively equated revolution to themselves, revolutionary and prince. It was contradictions in Leninism that made way to the the rise of Stalin, who reappropriated revolution and asserted his succession. In true revolution, one just doesn't know.

JC Milner - The Prince and the Revolutionary

I wish I understood S1 and S2 better. Signifier, signified the real and reality are kind of muddy concepts.

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La Maman et La Putain (1973)

I see it as a puzzle, but it doesn't have an answer, and the pieces don't fit. Veronika wastes her life whoring away for hospital patients and assholes, Alexandre wastes his life avoiding responsibilities and leeching off Marie. Marie wastes her life loving a disgusting man. Detestable degenerate terrible movie. Why are characters so self destructive? This all consuming death drive for what? I sometimes see relate and it's just sad. Because self hatred seems like a deadlock one cannot get out of. I feel like it's a waste of time to ask why one loves anyone, but a waste of time just the same to ask why one can't love themselves.

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Philosophy Delusion

I see philosophy as an artform, worldviews that make people. But also delusion, no? I think that the capacity of self delusion is infinite and with philosophy it leads to obnoxious arrogant recluses and boringass theory. The field can be a trap - if I am not careful I too, can spend a lifetime studying dead people and sterile beliefs I myself don't care about. Nevertheless I have loved things I have read and I admire that their value is subjective, upheld by its maker. There is just a lot to learn from philosophers, enough to outweigh the risks, and even if I don't like them I cannot but pay respect. I just think that recognizing subjectivity and threading cautiously are both essential. Even if the work meant the world to them it can mean nothing to me. Even if they're magnitudes smarter than me I can choose to disagree. When in doubt, discriminate.