bellarose-jasmine - Tumblr blog

[bellarose-jasmine]

#PerfectRevenge

oh, how I dream of a perfect revenge

to not let others take advantage of my kindness

to let them know that if they are going to be harsh with me, I could do worse

to let them know that my weakness is actually my strength

to let them know that behind my smile is a smirk waiting for karma to come knocking on your door

to let them know that the red lipstick might seem overwhelming, but behind it is showing them that I own the stage

to let them know that the comfort zone I always hide myself in is actually a danger zone that crushes your petty little dreams

There's nothing better feeling than the whole wide world

[bellarose-jasmine]

#Chasedby

Today apparently, the demon has no intention on leaving me alone. Is it because I'm having PMS? my feelings are all over the place. i feel like I'm being chased, my heart rate couldn't calm down even though i was just resting on my bed playing some phone game. i felt so restless, just all over the place. I'm tired of my own feelings, I'm tired of my own thoughts. I'm tired of keeping obsessing over things that shouldn't even affect me. thinking about one certain person while on top of that, thinking about why i am not getting hired for jobs, even simple ones, why my resume isn't working. and now I'm left to reopen my business again which makes my mood up down up down over stress. stress that i have so many ideas but I'm afraid it doesn't reach expectations. scared that I'm losing more money instead of gaining them. scared that I'm actually doing worse. scared that people are going to judge me, scared that I'm selling things that are too expensive. scared that I'm running things, scared that i have so much leftover packaging that i don't even know how to manage them, sell them, make them appealing. a proper marketing. scared that i have so many things to do that i don't even know where to start. i have no shoulder to lean on. to completely let out my worries, to give me advice, and to emotionally support me. I'm tired, i need help. emotions are controlling me.

[bellarose-jasmine]

#Negativity

Negative thoughts keep filling inside my head, over and over. I'm too demotivated on doing anything and all i could think about is traveling here and there, enjoy the life and have fun. But with what money ? TT. Money is running low, my parents still needs to pay some installments and saving up for the new house, i just feel so suffocated back home, yet I'm home. I'm so happy seeing my dogs who could give me silent comfort, and my mom and dad. but somehow i also wanted to run free, going here and there, explore different places and foods, beaches, parks, forests, anything! but yeah, I've become so demotivated. my brain is running too much that the engine clogs, I'm on a writers block but writing rants. okay let's have the motivation to change yourself. let's be strong, and let's not give up. but i just... i wanna scream and cry so loud, but none comes. if i was in sgp, i would have gone for a walk going here and there, but sgp memories some are good, some are those i shouldn't even remember in order to not trigger any trauma. pathetic. i, wanna give up my life. and i just feel stuck to not have any shoulder to lean on, and a hand who reach to help me. if i have that support, i would have been able to still move forward though slow.

[bellarose-jasmine]

#I'mPathetic

hah.. turns out today was the real wedding, a good five star hotel was chosen. even tho small, i could see that the flower arch is made of real flowers, which is more expensive than those of real ones. as expected, even though they just invited a limited number of people, a lot of money still needed to put in place. i still do think she is a gold digger though, but that's never the matter isn't it? though if its another option, she might have come from a wealthy family but spoiled rotten. like just.. all she thinks about is appearance, money and just living a good stress free life. i doubt the husband is a long time boyfriend, i could guess that they just barely met. i rmb around nov last year? she was kissing some random guy in a club. or it could be this guy and that's how they met. who knows. her wedding got fireworks and all. and now i compare them to myself, i barely have any luxury brand products, i need to save a lot of money yet at the same time I'm jobless and don't know what to do with life, I'm fat, i have a lot of pimple and acne scars, i have a lot of bodily problems, hairs everywhere, just the opposite. the epitome of ugliness and unattractive. yes i lost to at least 80% of the women population. there's really nothing good about me but bitching. it's pathetic, i admit that myself.

i just really need to let all my feelings out? jealous? maybe though i hate to admit it. and all i could think about is wether her marriage could really survive. i don't wanna hope anything bad but just, when would karma hit? you know. when would karma hit her? why does it feel like I'm living the karma instead. I'm frustrated with myself. I'm seriously just, my mood just went down the hill rapidly.

God, why did you make me this way? i;ve never been so disturbed by this, and obsessed with it even. why suddenly? is it because I'm getting old? or is it because most girls even loan money to make themselves prettier? diet at any cost to be slim? to whiten the skin? everyday wear make up, curl the hair just argghhhhh. that's not me,, that's not me!!! but it feels like society forced me too. because good looking gets privilege. Though they always say beauty from the inside is the best, but the beauty inside also comes with a lot of flaws. so how? howw?? TT TT ..

God i really wanna change my life, i wanna turn around, i wanna make an impact, i wanna be something, and meet new ppl too instead of useless obssesion that no one cares about but extremely disturbed by it till I'm writing this. God HELP ME !

[bellarose-jasmine]

#TiredoftheRiches pt.2

RICH RICH RICH. this word just keeps bothering my mind, being repeated over and over and over, swirling inside, making it the only thing i could think of. You know what's funny? never in my life had i been this obsessed, even though I've been in SG for years meeting rich people here and there. quite jealous but i won't really think about it. That MBA and the people i met over there really fucked me up. during my time there, almost every single one of them is obsessed with, what their parents are doing, their jobs, things they one (cars), where they live and which part, the things they wear, what their boyfriends jobs are, their husband's job, the investments they do, the business they are doing, these are all the things most of my Chinese friends talk about. and ofcourse since their English is not that good, they just avoid foreigners. imagine going to an English university, a Master Degree at that, and not being able to talk in English properly. i still wonder what translators they use to submit their assignments seriously, i just... weirdly without proper communication, too much drama happen, i went out of my house a lot, and i actually do quite socialize almost all the time. but with the cost of my sanity.

they don't even care about me now, and everything should be fine. But why am i obsessed with this rich world? i mean its not like I don't have an ambssion for it before. but they somehow trigger me in order to not look poor, to be secretly rich, or have powerful connections back here in Indonesia. it just made me crazy crazy that i too am rich you know, even though in reality, my life is like a cinderella kind of. I look quite rich in SG, but when i get back in Indonesia, my house isn't that big though now we are renovating it, i don't have my own maid that stays in the house, i have to wash and clean by myself, and the food i eat too can't be expensive. maybe at time can. i can't buy as many clothes as i want anymore, nor those that have lower class brands. i lose, i lose to them. and i can't even go on a holiday or have a trip with my parents since we need to think about costs and all that. since we need to save money for the new house. i just felt angry and frustrated. i do think that ah, maybe i shouldn't have gone to sg for my studies then we could live a better life here, like mom always says. but i know that my parents wants what best for me. but i just felt the frustration of almost living two different lives as compared to when I'm in sg alone. i used to not be like this, I'm serious. and I'm extremely frustrated with this change. I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS.

i wanna be grateful for what i have, and i wanna focus on earning money for the family instead of wasting them. so i could faster live the life that i want. i already have almost no friends in Indonesia which is sad, i just stuck by my comfort zone, in the house, playing with my dog, eat, and sleep. sometimes bake. God help me... or else, I'm really really tired of myself, and living this life.

[bellarose-jasmine]

#TiredoftheRiches pt.1

today i saw one of my classmate, i don't like her due to pass happenings getting married. i didn't know at first until tiny bro mentioned it. and then i just get obssed with the updates, seeing her story and the thai guy's story. even his other friends too. i just can't stop myself. i have mixed feelings the entire day, up down up down. even though i don't know 100% accurate truth about her, I just really really need an outing. honestly at first in the beginning of mba, i was quite okay with her and she seems friendly, everyone was, honest. but that betrayal happen, and after i knew the truth that she was the main provocator that convinced my friend to leave me, i had a personal grudge against her, and her friends too. Hung out with her a few times, but since we were from two different countries that speaks entirely different language, i can;t even join in the conversation, nor does she bother to talk to me either. i feel just, you know that i am extremely sensitive when it comes to friends and friendship since finding friends these days is tough. so when i felt ignored, alone in the crowd of that group of friends, it maybe trigger the trauma i used to have back in high school, i just felt unappreciated once again. Honestly I've had bad experiences with language in SG especially if i meet Chinese people who could barely speak English. Those days when i was a trainee, an intern, people insulted me literally behind my back using mandarin, over and over that it just scares me a lot. that is beside the perception that Indonesians are slow and all that. i felt helpless at the time. My mandarin was good during my time in school, but that's studying. my conversational level was quite low honestly. i just remember some things for the test and that's it. so the fact that I'm outcasted for not being able to speak mandarin, being ignored, and just have a hard time getting accepted nor being accepted, it triggers a lot of things. which is why i hated her to the guts. i hate her.

She is that typical queen bee of the school. all she posts is about her looking cute and pretty, yes i admit that she is but still, it just get so obvious of what type of person is she. she knows she could get whatever she wants with the pretty privilege. and honestly i don't think she came from a rich family. I'm pretty much skeptical of the luxury item she has, wherever it is definitely don't come from her own money (from working) or parents money. that I'm quite sure. But she just managed to make herself look luxurious. i do envy tho, girls like her, white smooth skin, tiny petite body, and a beautiful face. you really can fool anyone into thinking that you're rich. but where the money comes from is quite questionable tho, sine i hear a lot of them are aiming for sugar daddies. though i hear the one she marries has quite the age gap with her, but lucky tho, the guy might be blindly in love with her, and she is the type of queen who choose a rich guy that would do anything for her. and she succeeded.

honestly thought she's gonna have a very luxurious wedding since the guy is wealthy (heard they might move to new Zealand). she did choose an expensive hotel but the place where they had the wedding ceremony is quite cheap. decorations also not so much, only invited like 24 ppl. maybe they just wanted a private wedding? i guess. not even a wedding gown on sight. its just pretty much casual, unlike the Indonesian weddings i normally see.

seeing her and some other girl who is quite pretty, its so nice being them, wether they come from a rich family or pretend to. by being pretty, get the quite right guy or just guys you can smooch off the money from, willingly buying you jeweleries even when you just dated (not even a fiance or boyfriend yet), luxury brand items (bags, perfumes, shoes), bringing you to trips and you don't need to pay a cent for it, like living everything for free while enjoying your life. a street free life where you don't need to think about money since others are willing to think twice as hard for you. the privilege of pretty girls, or parents that willingly spoil you with the riches.

[bellarose-jasmine]

#DownEmpty

i know that most of my posts have been ups and downs, sounding like a crazy woman overly obsessed or bothered by someone or something. I realized this, yesterday morning till afternoon things just didn't go well. Somehow my t-shirts have been the victim of white spots, and i kinda argued with mom. But all is well from afternoon till night. Today, kinda the opposite though. Morning i was feeling great, evening i felt tired and empty. I was kinda happy when she asked wether we could face time each other tomorrow, told her i felt great today, she wanted to shower first since i didn't like it if she hasn't since it'll cut out our talking time, but just suddenly, i felt down and didn't feel like talking. she sometimes would push through and just call, but luckily she didn't. although despite all this, i still prepared myself, just incase she wanna call. seriously, why am i like this. who is she? and why am i affected so much. hah.. i really wanna sleep alone tonight, in my own room. maybe with my dog. i need some privacy. and i just feel like waking up alone, so that i don't feel pushed to do things in the morning if mom is around.

[bellarose-jasmine]

#NothingLeftToSay

though i still have a lot, keep it in, just keep it in. hold it down. lock it. cover it. make sure it's safe and it's not easy to be broken down, even by yourself. and then throw away the key. you're safer this way.

[bellarose-jasmine]

#IfIWereToBeGone

if i passed, let these posts go viral. I wanna show the world that you just lost one more precious human you could have. I may have my faults, i may have my mistakes. But what I'm positive is that, i mostly been bullied, hurt, and just a failure to myself. I know the people who loves me, and i thank them for that. But I'm sorry sometimes, the voices i hear made me doubt it. cause this evil world could change a single positive human with just one drop of poisonous black acid in their lives. Are you one of them ?

[bellarose-jasmine]

#Seriously

i am playing my spotify now and just, how to detached the music i hear from the memories i remember? sometimes i just wanna re listen some music but the painful memories also comes along with it. isn;t it ridiculous? it's extremely draining and tiring. gosh, my life is a mess. hiding my true feelings and mood has been pretty hard. especially during pms which i almost have no control off. i wanna be a positive person, but everytime i tried to be, the world just have to show off how bad of a life we live in once again. i am strong, but being strong most of the time might crumble, and you''ll feel even more pain. God, it's painful. My heart is.

[bellarose-jasmine]

#CrazyPersistent

Yes, just like what the title said, i feel like im going crazy day by day. It's been months since my last course, but all the feelings are still lingering till today. It's been like, 6 months? almost. I don't know why this time the trauma is also quite severe because when you look at it from a third point of view, it could just be easily ignored and forgotten, like if even if i think about it, what could i do to change it ? it's way too late. But everything down to the tiniest detail, i remember them and i resent them. I want vengeance. i wanna avenge myself, redeem myself. and wishing that i am the lucky one, and no matter what i am always amazing, i am always on top. But unluckily, the only last bit of thing i have is pride, and how to cleverly cover my weaknesses. Those students from my class, most of them are the exact people whom i want to meet and don't want to meet in real life.. Almost all the girls there are crazy skinny, crazy about being white, crazy about looking pretty, and money crazy. like these are the things they either show off to each other, or even some silent competition about it. The boys though admire these kind of girls. i just, I'm the opposite of those, and being almost the only one in the class that's fat, not white, not that rich, and don't really care about appearance almost at all, is just, i feel like being judged for being myself. their obsession is crazy, which cause me to get obsessed over them due to my competitive nature to not wanting to lose, to always win, to always have pride no matter what. The only thing i have was my smartness, and that's the only thing i could leverage on top of them. But being smart just means nothing, especially when everything went downhill. i just can't forgive myself, and i can't forget all the pain i felt at the time. and the person i want to confide in, my tiny bro, is not to bring up this thing again. Besides she is involved in the betrayal, no sense of sympathy really makes it hard for her to understand me. maybe after all i am a broken human who have had too much severe traumas in the past, while she is still in her child pace. I resent her friends last time, i resent them now. and i hate myself for being overly obsessed and not being able to forget. I really try my best to keep myself busy, going on with my life, but seriously, this has made me stuck in one place that i can't get out of. It's just running around inside my head, persistently not wanting to leave. This affects my emotions and my daily life too. More than once that i think about being the better version of myself (in terms of appearance and money), or i just wanted to get amnesia, or something just gonna hit me and it will be my last day. then i would be curious tho will she look for me? cry for me? will they?. ha i bet they will just fake sympathize, while they don't know they've ruined someone they shouldn't have ruined. you are definitely messing with the wrong person. God, i am tired. i want to move forward. I wanna experience a different life. I am too stressed overthinking this new scar God. I really just wanted to travel away here and there, just like some people my age are doing, not caring about work, and just live how you want and what you want. but money becomes the problem. God help me, God save me. or at least, give me a job in Singapore, employment pass.

[bellarose-jasmine]

#RunningWild

Recently my imagination ran wild because of the upcoming event, the graduation. I've always gotten lost in the alternate reality I create for myself, and I'm instantly brought away to the world i wish to live in. This time, I imagined myself standing on top of the podium, chosen as one of the speaker representatives for the Mba grads. I imagined on the things I spoke about, like do I feel happy during my Mba time? definitely not. But if we are talking about academics, the modules are tough, both the assignments and the exams. But I do appreciate to all the lecturers' hard work. They really really gave the best effort to teach us until we understood and try to help us as much as possible. I can say that most of them are nice. I imagined myself remembering all the module codes and the module name, and mentioned the specific lecturer who taught me one by one from the first semester to the last. I can feel all the other students looking at me, amazed that I remember them correctly, as i can be sure that all of them would have forgotten these minor things. towards the end of the speech, I gave them a motivational quote, which is to have pride in yourself, as in to have your self-worth, just like my mom taught me which I admired and liked. And to end the speech I'm gonna ask everyone to do a shout with me "I'm Amazing and I Have Pride" (gonna threaten them a bit if they don't follow me, I'm not gonna leave the podium and make the ceremony go for hours and hours. and then one last word "In the end, I always win" while smirking and staring at those people that i resent, i hate so much.

[bellarose-jasmine]

Dark

02/07/23 10:26

Sitting on top of my bed, in a dark room. Luggages spread at one side of the room. Beside me is my mom and dad sleeping in different beds. 2 gigantic closets, one in a darker shade of brown, missing a half door, and another an ash grey-brown with a mirror at the centre. Typing on my laptop in this situation, a few days after moving into the contract house, dreading looking for jobs and ways to earn money. One thing that makes me stressed too are seeing social media, especially WeChat. Particular people I don’t wanna see, showed up in the timeline, having their best lives. No need to worry about looking for a job, already being pretty with nice clothes, nice hair, and a nice body. Getting engaged, eating good foods, or doing the activities they like without worrying of all the things I am worrying about now. I haven’t forgotten what happened, I haven’t forgotten my past. All of them stuck onto my brain with a super glue refusing to let go. Jere’s the problem, I am already miserable, I should let go of these things that are weighing my life and throwing many opportunities to be happy just because I could not move on and focusing on wanting immediate revenge instead. I want to change and hide behind an identity. Maybe someday I will. I need a break. I need a holiday. I am worn out mentally and emotionally. Enjoying a nice day out at a private location or visiting parks or beaches alone would be nice, not having to think whether I have friends or not, or thinking about what others might think of me.

[bellarose-jasmine]

My Tiny Cute Friend

she isn;t actually that tiny, but i do find her cute. she really just changed my life entirely after meeting her, less than a year. I got betrayed before by her since she was too naive to stand up for herself, and the people surrounding her are provocative to just ignore, forget, and move on. But me ? my feelings get affected so damn easily i went out of my mind. Barely sleeping for the entire four months, sleeping at dawn and waking up early in the morning, all because i kept thinking about this tiny cute friend i just met, who had such a huge effect on me. STOP HAVING AN EFFECT ON ME. it's not like we're long-lost sisters, nor are we soulmates. i know somehow, we're connected, even when we're apart, and came from different country, but the coincidences is just uncanny. who are you really? what are you? are we both a reincarnation of our past lives where we have a strong complicated bond just like what we have now ? I know you don't think about these things, nor would you care about them. But just, who are you really? stopp invading my mind and stop having an effect on me ! i don't want to keep on seeing my phone, waiting for a notification to pop up with your name on it. i should stay away from you, and you should too.

[bellarose-jasmine]

I need to get over myself

seriously, until when am i gonna be haunted by my past? like seriously seriously,... i want it to stop bothering my mind, and my heart after. It's ridiculous and disturbing. No ONE CARES ANYMORE! so why should you ?? huh? why should you.

[bellarose-jasmine]

Graduate Ungraduated

I've been pondering for awhile for my upcoming graduation for my post-degree. I didn't want to attend. My only purpose was to have a tiny holiday with my parents in Singapore. That's all. I don't even feel like meeting up my friends, nor do i wanna schedule a meet up. MBA has given me too many traumatic memories, and seeing those people again, gather together scares me. Triggers me. It's really becoming toxic and unhealthy for my mind. I know this, but no has ever been helpful to help me get out of this hell hole