bellasharifuddin

[bellasharifuddin]

Well well well.

How different life has been today compared to the last time I opened this app. In a nutshell, my life currently feels like going 200kmph and it never stops.

Work is really hectic. My sleep cycle hasnt been any better, I’ve lost some friends again, and gained new ones (yay). On top of that, I’m also a full time mom and I have a toddler who is sweet as sugar and bitter like coffee.

And I love it both regardless :)

I think im also trying new outfits that i think suits my style, and im looking forward to payday so I can hit the stores again!

oh shit. suddenly which reminds me that i left my pandora bracelet at the store and was supposed to collect them. i hope they kept it well.

It’s 2am and I was reading a book called A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara. I just cant seem to keep up. Like i said, sometimes my mind juggles between so many things that I no longer have the luxury of time to focus on my reading.

I am also lying on a couch that both me and mirin bought at bangsar a year ago. its probably one of the most expensive purchases we’ve made back then. now the house feels even more like a home and it has been lovely. We have a TV, a new ikea bedframe which is super cute to me, and also a new washing machine! its silver and it washes so well. Ahh. This may not be a big house, but look how far we both have come :) its perfect for us three.

Sabrina recently said something that I may never forget.

“You’re my best friend, mummy.”

How honoured I am to be given such title? I’m now best friends with a three year old? HEAVENS.

She absolutely adores me and I love being around her. I love being her mummy!

Here’s a random photo that we did this evening before bed:

Sabrina calls this “Art Berat”

[bellasharifuddin]

If money grows on trees my house would be completed by now. But since I am a broke mother with a child, it will take longer…… and as long as it can be. So in the meantime Im practically homeless, living off from my parents house without shame.

I’ve been trying to work on my home (or at least to make it liveable) for months now. And I am lucky to have mirin who can work on putting up most of the light fixtures without needing an electrician.

And on the other hand, I’m pretty good with the paint brush so the walls are mine. All in all so far we’ve managed to save about RM1000+ on renovations. Yay!

The sofa and the dining chairs (which costed an arm and a leg, causing us to eat taugeh for the rest of the month) will be here by September! Money flowing like water and also our sweat and tears, but in all honesty, I’m feeling nothing but excitement for any progress that we’ve made together, even if it’s little.

And at the end of a tiring day of working on the house, we’d give each other hugs and look forward to our future here together in this building where we can finally call home. 🤍

[bellasharifuddin]

I can’t begin to express my gratitude to Sadie and Dylan for giving us everything they had in order to tell this story. All Too Well The Short Film is out on YouTube, and showing all week at the AMC 13 theater in NYC. For you, from us.

http://taylor.lnk.to/ATWshortfilm

[bellasharifuddin]

Okay seriously. This blows my mind off on how detailed this photo looks, and I can't shake my mind off about how this is happening around us since forever, yet we know little or nothing about this. Well, at least from a non-astronaut's perspective.

Talking about perspective, how many universes are there? Millions?

And if so, how are we sure that there aren't other living beings besides us? And since I am so daft when it comes to religion, if there are other intelligent beings other than us, will they be judged the same way during the Day of Judgement one day? How curious. If anyone can enlighten my shallow mind, please.

The alternate universes, now I kinda get (or not) what Marvel has been into these days. It's fascinating to think that there might be an alternate version of us somewhere within these photos. Maybe there is a version of me who I've always wanted to be: rich and happy; or another version of me who is even more in a pathetic situation than I am now (hahah). But then again, as life is indeed unfair, that rich and happy alternate-universe-living-Bella might not come with having a faithful husband and a beautiful daughter, so then again I am grateful for the little things that I have.

Mirin also said that there could also be a version of human beings, who might look the same as us but without fingers. And they get by life without needing it because it shall be considered as their norm. That blows my mind.

But all in all, this photo comes out right at the moment as it could be. When life gets too much, and you stop and think about how much of a nothing we actually are as compared to the entire universe, and suddenly how miniscule all our worries have become.

[bellasharifuddin]

Marriage and mistress. Till death do us part?

Okay, this may be controversial but I don't get why people often pity those who went through a divorce. I mean, is being together but unhappy a better option then? I don't think so.

Some person that I know got divorced after 3 kids. We all thought it was a happy marriage. They had the rezeki of having kids, and the rezeki of having money. Money got, anak oso got. So what else do you need? But sadly, life isn't as simple as ABCs. Some pitied the mother for being a single mother now. But I simply replied with "I'm sure that being divorced is the last, but best option for them if they've tried."

Also, I've been hearing so many cases of cheating. It's even crazier that this hits me hard only after I am married. Hahah. But then again, my deal breaker in my marriage is, cheating. I'll often express my concerns to Mirin, but for sure la husband sure say "No la baby I wont cheat on you I promise if I cheat I kena panah petir." Ok, but now that I've watched this show:

I mean... word, but I aint trust nobody but myself?? I told mirin that the guy in the drama go outstation but actually he go vacation with his mistress. "Men cannot be trusted!" Then mirin replied: "My work no outstation, I sit in front of laptop whole day. But your work got. I should be worried instead, not you"

Ok fine. Good uno reverse.

Please pardon me. I'm only on episode 4, but this show is already driving me nuts.

[bellasharifuddin]

Hello 3am we meet again.

I've been insomniac for a while now. Mirin has been bugging me to fix my sleep schedule because I either dose off in the morning, or become a zombie throughout the day. But as much as I like staying awake at night, whether to work or just for some peace and quiet for myself, I know that it's bad for me.

Anyways, lets put that matter behind for now. I'll work on it one day. So what do we talk about now?

There are a few things on my mind today, first and foremost, its D-4 till Raya SZN. The traffic is getting worse by now, since everyone wants to go back to their hometown after 2 years of not being able to celebrate. Me? We're taking the flight so we don't have to worry about the traffic or Sabrina being overly tired in the car. #smartme.

Secondly, I've been wanting to work on our house renovations since forever, but I just can't decide on such a huge thing. I entered harvey norman to look at water pumps, but I ended up leaving the store without buying anything. Why? Because every time I cross check with Shopee, any physical store that I go are priced way too expensive! And also me, to spend RM600 for a single water pump? Is this right? Did I think this through? Will I regret this purchase? So in the end I put it back, and exit the store. I am pretty sure that by the end of the day, I'm going to end up moving into a completely empty unrenovated house.

Okay, what else do I talk about? Parenthood? Sabrina has officially turned one last month! And now that she's started walking, I have to always keep the tiles dry or she will trip and fall :( (which she did this morning). And shoes. You have to start buying shoes that are practical. Sandals. Sneakers. More sandals. With good soles. Ah, I need to hit the stores again this week before raya starts. So many things to do! And also, why are most girls shoes PINK? Can all brands stop with this madness. Sabrina's baju raya are going to be white, so it's ridiculous to wear pink shoes.

Ok that's all for now, bye!

[bellasharifuddin]

one day, bella. one day.

[bellasharifuddin]

Of procrastinations and a cup of coffee

I know that I am just insanely bad with coffee, but its 4am in the morning, and I've been camping in front of my work laptop, trying to rack some ideas to design a system. My progress? 0%.

But at least the coffee is working, and although it made my head buzz, but it keeps me awake and running like g fuel.

Okay okay, procrastinate, what do I talk about?

Motherhood. Ahhhh how interesting. To some.

I have been a mother for almost 10 months now. The first 4 months was a nightmare mainly due to lack of sleep. You lose touch with reality for a while, its like you are a feeding machine, and only live to feed. You smell of puke all the time and the only time you feel alive is when you pass the baby to your spouse to sneak in an extra hour or two of sleep.

But I am so glad that the newborn phase is over. Sabrina sleeps for 2-4 hours in the morning and a solid 9-10 hours of sleep at night. Phew. But work. Oh work. It does not slow down for you.

Imagine having an important meeting scheduled at the same time when you have a cranky and sleepy baby who can't dose off to sleep on their own yet: A NIGHTMARE.

But it is what it is. I find ways to work things out. And having a job keeps me alive as well. I love working....., well most of the time.

Its 4.45am. Okay so what else?

I completely gave up trying to work a while ago. I drank a cup of coffee all in vain. Coffee. I've seen people who trembles if they didn't hit their caffeine dose for the day. But at the same time, you see coffee shops every km you go. Its like a celebrated addiction.

But I can't deny the taste of a good ol iced latte. But decaf. Did you know that decaf is a product of a longer roasted coffee bean? Somehow that removes its caffeine properties. But I can't confirm on that fact. I heard it from Mirin, but he doesn't even drink coffee either lol.

#TakPastiJanganKongsi lol ok bye!

[bellasharifuddin]

The Day I Became a Mother

It’s been a while since I last post anything here, typing feels awkward as well. But this has always been a thing that I wanted to do since the day I’ve given birth, to document and blog about my pregnancy and my birth journey, so in 4-5 years to come when my memories fade, I can always come back to reminisce every detail that I keep here, like a memory capsule. 

The Day I Found Out I Was Pregnant. 

You know, when people say that when you have a strong intuition about something, trust your gut feeling, because it’s often true. Mirin and I have always talked about having kids, me wanting a baby so much within months after we got married, however, Mirin having second thoughts about it. We were both married for less than a year, sleeping on a toto without a mattress or a bed, living in the deep slum of Wangsa Maju area where the rats are larger than the cats. Hahaha. Naturally, given our circumstances, he’d want to take things slow. 

Fast forward to a couple of months, we went out for some steaks and karaoke on a weekend night. I told mirin to stop by Watsons, for me to buy a pregnancy test kit. Mirin didn’t question much, because occasionally I would randomly buy one, just for fun. But this time, I didnt just get one. I ended up buying three. Why? Because somehow, I had a strong feeling this time. I just felt... weird. It was a feeling that I can’t put it into words. 

We came home at midnight, I went to the bathroom too “pee on the stick”. Then I saw the first line... a few seconds later comes the second one. Oh my god. Okay. I knew Mirin was standing outside the toilet door, waiting. Eventually, I had to break the news to him. When I showed to Mirin, we both ended up hugging and crying. Was I happy? Was I in shock? Was I sad? Yes, a little bit of everything. Its funny that all you’ve wanted was a baby, then when it actually happens, suddenly you’re freaked out. Happy that its a blessing. Sad that it hits you without a warning. 

                                                      Pregnant!

When the morning sickness finally kicked in, I knew we couldn’t live in the current house. Its not the best place to raise a child. And the next-door neighbor was having major renovation that was super loud and noisy. After sleepless nights and searching for a new place, we eventually moved out. Bought our first bed, bought our first dining table, bought our first gas stove. A many of firsts. Soon we finally bought a baby cot from Ikea. We bought it too early. Although it was too early to put it up, but Mirin assembled it anyways. I could tell that he was excited. It was such a fun and exciting moment, for the both of us.

But those were the fun part. Like most pregnancies, the not so fun part about being pregnant was me being diagnosed with Pregnancy Hypertension during my 36th week of pregnancy. My blood pressure spiked up to 140/100 on two consecutive readings, and the next thing I know, that I’m sitting in an ambulance, on my way to Hospital Kuala Lumpur’s emergency building. 

                     At Hospital Kuala Lumpur. Waiting for an available bed

                  Mirin bought me the entire family mart food available xD

I spent 3 nights in their maternity wards, finally discharged after the doctor told me that I was clear to go. While I was in the hospital, it pains me to see new mothers struggling during the COVID19 pandemic. Throughout your stay, no visitations were allowed from anyone including your husband. If your baby cries or if you’re in pain, you’d have figure it out yourself. I remember praying to god while crying that I do not want to be induced there. The ward was stuffy and hot. There were too many people crammed in a room. It was hell. 

The Day That I Give Birth

One week after my discharge, we both went for my monthly checkup with my OBGYN at Pantai. Again, my doctor advised me to be induced tomorrow, since my blood pressure spiked again, and I was almost full term (38 weeks) so it was okay to go. She told me that “It’s best to get the baby out or else you boleh kena sawan” OMG Okay okay. So we packed our bags, ate sushi for dinner, slept soundly for the very last time, and headed to the hospital again at 9 am the next morning. 

                         Induction day. We definitely overpacked haha

       Arrived at the hospital lobby, did a mandatory swab test before entering

Appointment card. Booked and paid for the accommodations prior to checking in

I was told to change into my labor robe (I’m not too sure what it’s called), and waited. When my doctor finally arrived, she then began to insert some sort of a plastic strip deeeeeep into my cervix. Ouch, that hurts. Okay, so that’s how induction works eh? Then I was given antibiotics into my IV drip too, since I was GBS (Group-B Strep) Positive as well. 

                                Toilet selfie! Calm before the storm

After an hour, I felt the contraction. Initially it was uncomfortable, then it hurts like hell. The contractions felt like period pain but like a million times worse. Occasionally, Doctor Haslinda would come and check on my “bukaan”. Hours passed. 1cm... 2cm... 3cm.... when I finally said:

“Omg sakit sangat dah tak tahan, I want an epidural!“

Ok no, that was a lie. I initially didn’t want to take an epidural. I wanted to try and bear with the pain, but Mirin convinced me to take it, so after tossing and turning like a dying fish I finally said okay. 

The anesthesiologist came after what felt like an eternity, and asked me to sign a consent form. I’m not really sure what was written in that. Siapa je ada masa nak baca terms and conditions panjang panjang bila tengah contractions??? 

He told me to sit on the edge of the bed, while hugging a pillow. I remembered him injecting some numbing spray, then I felt the BIG NEEDLE poking through my spine. Then.. that was it. It was so fast. The entire process took only 5 mins. Was it painful as I thought it would be? No. Was it still scary tho? Yep hahaha.

Soon after, Dr Haslinda pecahkan air ketuban when I was 4cm dilated. It didnt hurt because I was on epidural, but I felt so much warm liquid flowing out non-stop. So bizarre. 

Once you’re on epidural, you’re basically bed-ridden. No bathroom trips anymore, my legs feel like jelly. Sometimes the nurse will come to empty my bladder with a catheter. When the epidural kicked in, I could finally sleep. I slept like a baby. I slept for hours. Painless. No more feeling like a dying fish. And so I thought.............

3am. I woke up with INTENSE CONTRACTION PAIN. Why is it so painful? I thought I’m on epidural? I called the nurse straight away. Turned out the epidural drug ran out. It was sooo stressful because the nurse that was on duty that night didn’t know how to topap balik the epidural drug into the machine. She called her colleague, then the colleague also tak tahu. Then both of them spent like forever to troubleshoot how to use the machine, sampai lastly kena call doctor tanya. YA ALLAH, rasa macam nak maki je. 

7am the next day. Bukaan baru 7-8cm. Doctor decided to use another form of induction to speed up the process. It’s called pitocin, and injected through my IV drip. Within MINUTES, I could feel very intense and painful contractions, that the epidural can’t even help. So throughout the remaining 7cm to 10cm, I felt every inch of real labor pain. I clenched Mirin’s hand. So tightly that I think it got bruised. A minute felt like an hour, and an hour felt like years. It was soo bad that my memory was so fuzzy. 

Finally, it was 10cm. Time to go. They put both of my legs up, macam gambar bawah ni haha: 

                                      Picture courtesy from Google

There were two nurses, one small cute Malay nurse, one pregnant Indian nurse, and my OBGYN, Dr Haslinda. I love them all, they were so supportive and nice to me throughout my labor process. My doctor taught me how to push correctly:

“Take a deeeeeeep breath then tahan, clench your fists, chin down and teran macam nak berak sekuat-kuat hati“

I was so determined to get the baby out. I just wanted the contraction pain to end. I did everything they told me to do. I hold on to Mirin’s hand, and PUSHHHHHHHEDDDDDD! I could hear Mirin saying “You’re doing great sayang!” After several pushes, and some sips of water breaks, the baby’s head is almost out. The head was the hardest to push. Besar! I literally felt like my down there was stretching to its limit. Once the head is out, I did another small push, and the rest of the baby’s body macam keluar instantly macam super slimy like that haha.��

Finally the baby is out! 8.26AM! The contractions stopped immediately. I instantly feel like I wasn’t pregnant anymore. The doctor then injected something on my thigh, then my uri just popped right out haha. My body felt so tired, but so so light. Lega, yay no longer pregnant haha. I ended up having second degree perineal tear without an episiotomy, and was stitched. I felt the benang, ngilu. I felt the needle pierced through my muscles too. But it didnt hurt so it wasn’t too bad. 

The baby gets cleaned up. Then soon all of the nurses left the labor room, it was just me, Mirin and our baby. Mirin picked her up, and azankan. Mirin started crying, I cried too. It was magical :’)

We did skin to skin and tried breastfeeding for the first time. As I look at her, hair was so thick. Her cute little fingers. Her beautiful face. She’s perfect. 

                            I slept for 5 hours straight after the labor

Thinking back, I have no idea how I managed to muster such courage to go through all these. Mirin even told me that during the active labor stage, when I was pushing, at one point I pushed so hard that my entire face turned blue. Talk about adrenaline.

Do I want to have another baby? Well, lets keep a rain check on that question for another few more years to come xD

[bellasharifuddin]

A secret appreciation post.

I’ve been through some hard times in my life, throwing way back into February 2016, the worst car accident i’ve had in my life, where the car I was driving was flipped over, landed on the other side of the highway, completely wrecked. Mama was bleeding all over her head, i had shattered glass pierced all over me. Almost lost a leg. Was rushed into the hospital. The worst moment of my life. But eventually, everything was ok, no broken bones, only a few stitches on Mama’s head. Papa had to cancel his golf tournament just to come over to the the hospital. I felt like I was the one to blame, I felt like I was troubling everyone. I almost killed my family. It was the worst. But thankfully, everyone was still alive. I still have my family. Everything is okay.

You were there too. You came all the way from Johor, although it was a 4 hour-long journey. You found your way here just from a text message. I know that not many people ive known in my life would do that for me, but you did. You drove that far just to see me for a few hours. You visited my mom, you helped us so much and I can’t be thankful enough. Seeing you there at the hospital, despite only being together for a few months, made me realised for the first time how far you’d willing to go for us. And I was right.

My final year was also one of the worst, as I was constantly pressured and black-mailed by my supervisor, at almost every meeting, and it broke me. I’d break down every day because of the amount of stress I had to endure. Had trouble sleeping at night, and often wake up at 4am in the morning with panic attacks. I wasn’t strong enough. I’d call you up in the middle of the night, feeling emotionally stressed out and you’d ALWAYS pick up the phone at any hour, always giving so much love and patience for me. I’ve never met anyone who has the level of patience as you do. You’d calm me down until I fall asleep, and would always pick up the phone again if I had another panic attack that night. And that went on for 3 months, almost every night.

But I remembered that one night I had another panic attack at around 3am and called you up. But that night you didn’t pick up the phone. After failing to call you a few times, my anxiety got worse. I broke down and went through the night alone until I eventually fell asleep.

The next day I woke up with a few phone calls and texts from you. Turned out that you woke up a few moments after I fell asleep. You drove all the way to my dorm that night and stayed awake at the parking lot until the next morning, just incase I woke up again with another panic attack.

Another little thing that I found out was that you’ve actually completed your thesis way long before mine, but you did not submit it for approval and pretended that it still hasn’t finished yet just because I was still struggling with mine. You pretended to edit your thesis while sitting next to me, just because you didn’t want me to be in any stress. You couldve just get it done way earlier but you were only thinking about me. You’re thoughtful. And selfless. And what do i do to deserve someone like you?

Distance is never a big deal for you. You’d drive for an hour all the way to my house if I ever needed you. You’re never not there. You were there giving me emotional support when my granma passed away, you were there when I got robbed that one night, you were there when I was sick.

The truth is, I’ve always thought that I wanted a romantic guy, a person who would shower me with gifts and take me to romantic dinner dates.. the things that materialistic couples usually do. Being with you made me realise that I never actually wanted that, when I have a person who loves and protects me unconditionally. You were never good with any of those romantic gestures, with the whole act of showering me with gifts or surprises. But you’ve never failed to surprise me with your heart. I’ve learnt that the best gift a guy could ever give someone is his time, and that’s the best present I would ever want to receive for the rest of my life.

[bellasharifuddin]

[bellasharifuddin]

mi amor makan mi bot 🍜

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date night @ Pots and Pans, JB 🍹

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[bellasharifuddin]

🤓💕

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🌚

[bellasharifuddin]

clouds