bellasthought - Tumblr blog

[bellasthought]

Thank you, God for a lot of things whether big or small wins, or even battles that i didn't win over. Thank you for giving me a good husband. But above all, thank you for giving me a chance to have to good mother-in-law.

Thank you for letting me experience my Nanay's love that's overflowing so that I will be able to give love as well. 🍀

Salamat sa pagmamahal. Salamat dahil mas nararamdaman ko ang pagmamahal Mo over all the pain and struggles that I'm experiencing this moment.

10.04.2024

[bellasthought]

I don't speak not because galit ako or wala ako sa mood. Hindi ako nagsasalita kase alam kong iiyak ako. I'm trying to get myself together kase kailangan kong magtrabaho. Ayokong tanungin ako kung okay ako kase iiyak na agad ako. I'm trying so much pero sobrang sakit at sobrang nakakatakot maiwan. Kahit tanggap ko naman, it doesn't lessen the pain. Ang sakit. Ready naman akong pagdaanan ulit yung tulad ng dati.

Parang ngayon lang, ang hirap tingnan si nanay. Sorry if ganito. Sobrang hirap lang talaga kahit ilang beses kong ilet go. Natatakot ako. Wala na akong makakausap.

[bellasthought]

I Know this Wound is Getting Deeper if I Continue the Ties and It Might Cause Others Pain as Well

This might be the last time that I'll be writing thoughts about you. The more I try to rekindle my communication because you're a family, the more this wound is getting more painful. It's been years being like this and how you see things makes me more in pain. Masakit na it seems like wala ka talagang balak bumawi or make effort to reach out kahit sa kasal ko cause maybe, wala din namang dapat ipagbawi sa mga nakalipas na panahong sana naging magulang kita. Maybe that's your upbringing kase that's how you were raised. I may understand that but it doesn't change the fact na masakit yung mga ganung bagay.

I'm grateful for all the things and memories lalo na noong bata pa ako. But may malaking pagbabago na nga talaga. I'm not the same papa's girl before because I was hurt big time. Until now. And I have to cut the ties kase mas sumasakit lalo. Hindi ko huhugasan ang kamay ko dahil hindi ko na din kayang maging anak sa paraang gusto mo dahil marami nang naiba sa mga pananaw ko sa buhay especially how I was raised. I'm thankful na naging resilient and independent ako, thanks to all the moments that I have to survive almost alone (nadyan lang talaga si Nanay at iba pang mga tao.) If given a chance na magkakaanak ako, I don't want my kids to experience what I experienced.

You were never emotionally available. You make feel na burden ako financially. I don't feel the geniune care kapag nagkakasakit ako non kase mas inaalala mo yung mga magagastos. Tuwing may graduation at special occasions I almost have to beg for your attendance. And you were never sorry about those moments kase pinatatak mo sa utak ko na dapat maintindihan kong ganun ang trabaho mo. Yes, I understood but hindi ibig sabihin non, hindi na ako maghahanap ng oras at kalinga. Na bilang anak, hindi ako maghahanap ng pagbawi lalo na ngayong retired ka na. Pero ngayon, mas tinanggap ko na lang na wala talaga kase para sa'yo, ngayon may trabaho na ako, anak na ang dapat bumabawi. Pero ang pinakamasakit na ginawa mo, yung sinabihan mo akong kalimutan ko na si Mama. Kung ikaw nakaya mong gawin yun, wag mo akong idamay. And I never heard any sorry. Not even once. Kase ang mindset mo, anak lang dapat ang bababa, anak lang dapat ang hihingi ng tawad. Kaya ngayon, lumaki akong mataas din ang pride. I'm working on that kahit napakahirap. At madami pa akong kailangan i-work.

May mga bagay nga siguro na kailangang putulin lalo na kung mas nakakasakit na. I tried my best but this wound is causing more pain na and siguradong makakasakit na din ako ng iba kapag tinuloy ko.

Sa sobrang bigat, minsan kailangan kong bitawan araw-araw. Reminding myself na okay lang maramdaman ulit yung bigat. Bitawan ko ulit. Gusto ko na lang talagang makalaya sa pain na 'to.

I'm not expecting you to come on my wedding na din kase mas masakit.

(16/6/2023)

[bellasthought]

Say I LOVE YOU while they still can hear it

Pinalaki ako ng hindi vocal. I don't want to express my love/emotions vocally lalo na sa mga taong mahal ko. Not even once that I say I Love You kay mama noong nabubuhay pa siya. I regretted that. I learned from it.

With Nanay, I became much expressive lalo na nung napalayo ako. I make sure na I always say I love you everytime na makakausap ko siya. I make sure na ramdam niyang mahal ko siya at palagi ko siyang uunahin.

I remember one time noong college ako, I got kidney stones at sobrang in pain ako kaso hindi ako makapagpaospital dahil wala akong pera. I just lay down sa higaan and wish na mawala yung pain. Pero si Nanay, hindi talaga makatiis kase kita niyang namimilipit na ako sa sakit. Sinangla niya yung kwistas na favorite niya para lang makapagpacheck up ako. Tinandaan ko yun at sinabi ko sa sarili ko na kapag may trabaho na ako, ibibili ko siya ng isang set ng jewelry at kapag nagkasakit siya, hindi niya kailangang magtiis.

She doesn't have much financially pero uunahin at uunahin niya ako noon up until now. Kaya you can't blame me if she's the only one I consider na mahal ako unconditionally. And I will do everything in my power para lang lagi siyang maayos at hindi nahihirapan.

[bellasthought]

From Promise Ring to Engagement Ring 💍

Early 2022, I bought a promise ring for myself. This is for me to constantly remind myself about loving myself better and not allowing anything/anyone to steal my peace of mind again. And I told myself last year, "Tatanggalin ko lang 'tong singsing na 'to if ever mang may dumating na tao that will represent of loving myself while loving him." That person will show me a safe sky. That person will be my God's gift and my calling as the same time.

I worked on myself. Improved myself. Healed myself. Enjoyed my solitude. And continuously do it everyday kahit may ups and downs throughout the process. 2022 was both beautiful and ugly phase of my life. It may be have the deepest pain and heartaches, but it also brought a biggest lesson.

Last March 8, 2023, I said yes to another promise. 🍀 This time, a promise between me and the man I prayed for. The man that God entrust me with. The man that I will spend the rest of my life with. The man that represents how great the Lord is and how mysterious His moves is. The man na mamahalin ko habangbuhay. Na this time, hindi "ako lang." Kasama ko siya. Magkasama kami.

"Kami habang hawak ng Nasa Taas ang kamay naming dalawa."

(27/03/2023)

[bellasthought]

Unplanned Plan 🍀💙

I never thought that a guy like him is still existing. 😊

The moment that I asked God to help me to let go of everything (my pain, heartaches, my darkest past, my moving on phase), I start to silently pray for my "greatest gift" but I didn't expect that He would give him this year. I can't vocally say my prayer before because I have doubts that such guy would exist, but the Lord proved how powerful He is in my life. When I accept the challenge of waiting, when I start to trust Him my heart truly, He gave me my deepest heart's desire on His perfect timing. In the most unexpected timing. I have many plans on the way but you came and it changes everything, not to destroy my goals but to add purpose to it.

First picture together 03.08.2023

My deepest why? He entrust me this man, His son, because He trust me that this time, I will be able to value and take care of this man while loving myself as well. Loving him means seeing how much the Lord loves me. The same when I see Nanay and when I'm remembering Mama. 💛🍀

Hinding hindi ko makakalimutan tong cherry tomato na 'to. For me, this showed me how attentive you are sa mga sinasabi ko. This gesture means alot, love. 🥹 This matters alot.

(03/13/2023)

[bellasthought]

I love you but I totally feel more peace without you. I miss you but I can definitely survive without you. Somehow, I want you and if I have a chance to turn back time, I still would but I would refrain myself from stepping on the boundaries. 🤍

This is me letting go of all my memories with you and all the what ifs. It is the end and I'm happy giving a chance to be with you together all the learnings that I got from you. 💭

You will be forever one of the most memorable chapter of my life. Always.

"People might forget what you say or do, but they will never forget what you made them feel."

(16/09/2022)

[bellasthought]

LEARNING THROUGH PEOPLE

It's been a while. I miss writing my thoughts. 💭

I randomly want to meet a lot of people. Different kinds of people. With different perspective in life. With different point of view. With different mindset.

I was lucky meeting few when I start working here in Saudi. Of course at first, I was really afraid living in a country a completely opposite culture. But now, I am thanking myself going here. I learned different cultures not just about Arab but others as well like Indian, Egyptian and even Western culture.

When I'm choosing my course on college, all I wanted was to earn good money for me to improve my financial state. I don't want to be in the office that's why I chose medical field. And it was soooo fulfilling. Meeting different kind of patients with different cases (simple and complex), with different attitude (some have manners, some will treat you like slaves and some will really get into your nerves). Nonetheless, I love engaging with patients especially if we can talk deeper about many things.

That's why, I decided to continue this kind of learning. Learn about people. 💯

(12/09/2022)

[bellasthought]

Letters for Healing 🌼

Today is a very random yet grateful start of a day. I saw this post from my classmate in elementary and highschool.

Actually, we're not friends. In fact, we're not even in good terms as well back in elementary and I'm a little civil with her during highschool. Back then, I really don't know the main reason why she would always pick up a fight with me before. But I can't seem to fight her back. Lahat ng mga binabato niya saking salita, hinahayaan ko lang pero alam ko sa sarili ko na nagagalit ako sa kanya. It's just deep in myself, ayoko siyang awayin pabalik. But I snapped back when we were in highschool. I just told myself na ayokong maging ganun ang treatment niya sakin. Na hindi ko na siya hahayaan this time. I don't understand her but somehow, alam kong dun sa nakakapagrelease ng kung ano mang mabigat sa kanya. Even if it's about how I handled my pain about losing my mother, I just thought that time na hindi kami magkapareho.

Then when we're in highschool, I think nasa practice kami ng project namin sa park, she suddenly asked me how I was able to open up everything about mama. Na pano daw ba? Kase sobrang lungkot daw. That time, I saw how deep her pain already. To the point na hindi na niya alam how can she express her emotions, her pain and suffering. She instantly wiped her tears that time kase alam ko na ayaw niyang makikita kong umiiyak siya, thinking na baka isipin ko mahina siya. She's been through alot already that time. Life is tough with her.

We both lost our mother at the young age. We both adore and love our grandparents especially lola kase sa kanila kami lumaki. And knowing now that she lost her inana makes me want to hug her right now. I can't imagine this another heartbreak but I'm so amazed by her strength and courage. Maybe, coating herself into a cocoon to shield her from soo much pain has its pros and cons. She's holding everything back para hindi siya masaktan but I know it'll cause her more pain and suffering if she continuously do that. I can't blame her, because that's her way to survive.

And seeing her post made me have this mixed emotions of somewhat relief and sadness. It's good that she's starting to acknowledge her emotions (at for sure it will be too overwhelming for her), and sad about hearing about her lost this time. Actually it's also one of my fear (mawala si nanay) but I'm preparing myself, I'm slowly accepting na pinahiram lang siya sakin. Napakabonus na ng buhay niya. It's painful of course. But sa present moment na to, I see to it na mabubusog ko ng pagmamahal si Nanay, ibibigay ko sa kanya yung mga kaya ko pang ibigay hanggang nabubuhay siya.

I'm glad that nabigyan ako ng opportunity today to reach out to her. Without any grudge or anything. I just want to be her friend this time. To be with her during this struggle season but at the same time, healing season niya. I want to pray for her. Have a long communication with her na kahit umiyak siya ng umiyak, maibuhos niya yung mga dinadala niyang hurt and suffering, sige.

I really do hope that one day, she'll just look back on this season of her life and she'll smile with her healed heart.

Lord, please stay with her. Heal her heart even her soul from all these heartbreaks.

(02/07/2022)

[bellasthought]

Let me Photograph Myself... 🎶

Slowly learning to balance treating my love ones and myself with physical stuffs. 😊🌸 Felt good for not being guilty buying things for myself without thinking that my family deserves this too. 😊

This time, I want to learn not to get any validation from anyone, not even from my family especially my father. Not because they don't matter, but because I matter as well. Just that, I want to reparent myself. I want to heal from all the unlovable things that happened before. Yes, it shaped me into an independent and strong person but it also scarred my heart and soul. So healing and deeply knowing myself now is necessary so that my future will not suffer anymore. 🌼

(02/07/2022)

[bellasthought]

Please change my heart, Lord. Whatever that's not honoring you, please remove it. I know this will be hard but I'm entrusting all to You. It's an everyday decision so please help me to be consistent on choosing You, praising You, honoring You. Please me strengthen myself so that I will be able to help my friends to be near You again and close to You again.

Tulungan mong manatili ako Sayo Panginoon. I'm so weak and tempted everyday, so please be with me every single minute. Humble myself, Lord. 🙏

(29/6/2022)

[bellasthought]

Minsan naiisip ko pa din na anong right ko to encourage someone na lumaban e ako mismo hindi nakalaban ng ayos non... Pero ayun...hehehe, go pa din.. 😊 I know He's not the one telling me that I can't do that. 💪🤍 Kaya, LABAN.

(25/06/2022)

[bellasthought]

180° From 🙃 and 💔 to 💛

I had been sooo broken for a longest time. 7 years. The first few years, I was testing the water and underestimating the power of "hindi yan, okay lang yan. Hindi naman yan mabigat." But as years passed, unti unti na pala akong lumalayo hanggang sa nalulunod na pala ako nang hindi ko nalalaman.

Until I hit the rockbottom. I needed to be broken to the point na napush ako sa pinakalimit ko. Na kung akala ko, matindi na yun, may mas ititindi pa pala. Until hindi ko na kaya. Na ayoko na talaga. Na wala na. Na ubos na ubos na.

Unconsciously I was shouting for help pero hindi ko din alam kung pano pa tutulungan ang sarili ko. My friends were trying to pull me up kahit ayaw ko na. Nearly I was at the end of it. But still, I was saved. But I was too broken. Shuttered mentally, emotionally, and most especially spiritually.

But what happened made me realize alot of things. 💛 It made me go back to who I was before during those downpoint of my life where I can still confidently shout His name despite all my cry and tears. Sobrang namiss ko yun pero hindi ko alam kung saan na siya noon. I was too lost. Hindi ko alam kung pano bumalik.

It's true that blessings can be your temptation as well when you let your guard down.

Bumalik ako. And I was tooo overwhelmed sa pagyakap Niya. Sa comfort na tinatanggap ko kahit hindi ko deserve lahat.

He

(23/06/2022)

[bellasthought]

DISCIPLINE AND HUMILITY

Yesterday, I got offended by my brother and I corrected him in a not so nice way saying it's for his own benefits but, it's actually not 100% for him.

Realization:

You correct him for his benefits, not for you. If you correct him because you are merely offended/hurt, and not because you want him to be better next time, that's ego. But if you correct him without thinking that's in it for you, and you still have an empathic concern, that's love.

You set aside your self-centered intention. You focus on his behavioral improvement. And to be able to genuinely achieve it, you have to watch your intention and if you have unconscious purpose.

Today, I said sorry for my behavior. I also want him to show that it's okay to say sorry and not to be prideful about it. I was raise having difficulty saying sorry and I don't want him to have the same experience as me.

(30/05/2022)

[bellasthought]

It is true that it is the parents' responsibility to mold and develop their children in all aspects. But if they failed somehow (they're not perfect, they'll fail at some point) and you recognize those effects today that you're an adult, you are responsible to take action to improve yourself. Blaming our parents for things that somewhat affects your upbringing today will not help you improve. I just want to be accountable for developing myself from the things that traumatized me or molded my certain toxic traits, and starting unlearning unhealthy behaviors.

(16-05-2022)

[bellasthought]

H E A L I N G

Healing is ugly. Healing is beautiful.

Today, I was able to finally display this bouquet my ex-boyfriend gave me when we decided to break up (before I fly back abroad). When I got into my accommodation, I hid this bouquet above my closet because it's just so painful seeing this and it makes me want to come back to him again. But I really love the flowers (and I value this arrangement so much), so I promise myself to display this once there's no more hurtful feelings, once I forgive him, once I forgive myself.

It was ugly at first. Crying. Missing him. Too angry at myself. Nightmares. Anxiety. Homesick. Regrets. Sleepless nights. Demotivated.

But it was beautiful as well. Knowing myself. Silence. Realizing self-worth. Forgiveness. Still crying. Accepting my toxic attitudes. Growing. Inspiration.

Going back here is the most difficult yet the most helpful thing I did this year.

So now, this is me finally healing and slowly breathing the air of peace. And promising myself to make more happy memories with those things/places that used to be torture to see.

And for him: I forgive you. I'm sorry for all the toxic times we had. Thank you for all the happy moments and all the love that you gave. Thank you for such great learning. I will still pray for your safety and better life. 😊

(13-05-2022)

[bellasthought]

Mixed Emotions About My Father

This is me accepting and understanding how my father was raised and how he's doing his best to be a parent. For several years I'm going back and forth between rebuilding and rebuilding my relationship with him but somehow stress myself in the process as well. And in the process, I also question him and criticize him on the way he do parenting for my brother saying I don't want him to experience the same neglect that I had before and the longing a present parent. But both of us know the love we have for each other. But now, I have to accept the "it is what it is."

Before, I always feel guilty and my conscience is feeding me after voicing out my pain towards him simply because I don't want him to feel that he failed as a father to me, and I also don't want him to feel that I am ungrateful. But then, I also have this pain inside me, the longing of having him present despite the distance, the unhealed wound that continuously been close and open. Those that feel the need to be voice out. But how can I do both? Surely he will be hurt if I choose to voice it out. Surely I will be hurt if I just let them be buried inside me.

But assessing myself, trying to grow and trying to heal myself, I begun to realize that I reason why it's sooo difficult is because I'm resisting the reality. Reality of him being this kind of father, and reality of me being afraid not to heal from this hole. Now, it still hurt but there's peace and acceptance.

No more forcing of better relationship. No more forcing myself to heal for the sake of the thought to love him better. 💛

(12-05-2022)