bellllls

[bellllls]

[bellllls]

dandelion

[bellllls]

[bellllls]

i’ve never wanted to feel something so badly

[bellllls]

[bellllls]

[bellllls]

tryna get ate like thanksgiving dinner😩

[bellllls]

wanna get rid of this empty feeling but I can’t without you

[bellllls]

just wondering if I’m on your mind like you’re on mine

[bellllls]

no one understands this pain i feel in my heart. everyday is a battle, and honestly, a fight to survive. i’m sad to admit i’m this sad. i never thought i would reach this point in my life. all i can think about is everything i’ve gone through, and how i physically & mentally cannot seem to overcome it. my parents, friends, teachers, and my family would always tell me how strong i am. i’m no longer strong. i’m weak. i’ve given up.

for those who don’t know, it all started in October of 2016. i met a boy who showed me that people aren’t who they say they are. he taught me that “i love you” means nothing, because even if you say you love someone, you can still go and hurt them every single day. you can make them feel unworthy. you can make them angry every single day. you can go back on your word. you can call them names without thinking twice about it. you can say you didn’t mean it, but you did it so easily. i know you meant it. i know you think that you loved me, but you loved what i had. you loved my popularity. you loved being with me because you loved how the other guys would congratulate you. you loved my money, you loved my car. you loved the material things. you loved my body, you loved using me. you loved how no matter what you did, no matter how bad you hurt me, you know i would come back. you loved that you knew you could go be with any other girl one night, and i would be right there still the next day. you loved that YOU made me weak. you tore me down, you tore me completely apart. and you loved every moment of it. you would not talk to me for days at a time with no explaination. you still swear to this day that you love me and that you care about me oh so much. you care at your convenience. you don’t care that i fall apart every single night thinking about how much you’ve changed me as a person. you don’t care that i get physically sick every time you try to pop back in my life. you don’t care that you got me pregnant & left me. you didn’t then, and you don’t now. you don’t care that we lost the baby. you swear you did. you swore up and down you would be there for me. you left. you left when i needed you the absolute most. i had NO ONE and you swore on everything you would be there, and you weren’t. you thought you found something, or someone, better so you left me. alone. you left me to handle the most difficult thing in my life by myself. you might have forgot the nights i stayed the night in my car with you because you couldn’t go home even thought i had a bed to sleep in, but i didn’t. you may have forgot how you told me you couldn’t wait to start this family with me, as i laid on top of you and you played in my hair telling me how happy you were that this happened with me, but i didn’t. you may have forgot all the times i would spend every penny i made just to make sure you had ate that day, but i didn’t. you might’ve forgot how many times i would blow up your phone making sure you would wake up for school in the morning so you would get there, but i didn’t. you might’ve forgot how i sat there and wrote your admission essays for college with you, but i didn’t. i wanted the best for you. always. i would’ve done anything for you, and you knew that. you took advantage of it. i loved you. i really did. but i can no longer think about it all. i’m so hurt. i just want you to know that you, YOU, broke me. completely. shattered. i spent, and still spend my nights crying. holding my pillow, gasping for air. i feel like i’m drowning. i cannot deal with the pain you brought, and somehow still bring to me. it hurts, it burns. i can’t do it.

fall of 2017, i got out of my hometown that reminded me of everything that brought me down. i went to kent state university. i loved it. i loved the school. i felt so free being away from everyone back home. i missed my family. i missed my friends. but other than that, i was as happy as happy could be. i was in school, working towards getting a degree in early childhood education. something i’ve always wanted to do. november rolls around, and my worst nightmare became reality. i was sexually assualted at a party. not a little ass grab, or even someone feeling on my chest. fully assaulted. rape. i could barley scream. no one could hear me. the music was loud, he covered my mouth. i felt so hopeless. i was being held so tight i couldn’t even move. i was barely drunk. i always thought in these situations, i could handle myself. i’m a fighter. i could hold my own. i was wrong. they took me. they hurt me. they scarred me for life and i will never, ever be the same. i couldn’t leave my dorm room after that. i was scared to see my attackers. i was at an all time low. i would barley leave to eat. i wouldn’t go to class. i would call my family crying and BEGGING them to come get me without an explaination. no one understood. i would sit in my room in pure agony trying to understand why this had to happen to me. i couldn’t do it. i failed all my classes. i tried living at home and commuting to campus, hoping that would make me feel a little better. i couldn’t even bring myself to do that. the pain i would feel in my chest trying to make sure no one was after me was unbearable. i was constantly looking over my shoulder to be sure i was safe. i dropped out that spring semester. i felt hopeless.

fall of 2018 comes around. i had hope for myself. i thought i could fight this. i started the semester at YSU. i was so excited to get back into school. everything actually felt like it was coming into place. i was wrong. i was so, so wrong. i began to realize that i was not okay. i was constantly on edge. i couldn’t focus in my classes. i would have such bad anxiety about being on campus that i would skip class and sit in the bathroom until it was time for me to leave. i know. it sounds like shit you only see in the movies. but nope, this was my life. i constantly feel like someone is out to get me. i don’t feel safe, ever. i wish i could make this feeling go away. i can’t. i started missing so much class because i genuinely could not build up the courage to go. i could not be more disappointed in myself. i withdrew from this semester as well.

right now, at this point in my life, everything’s a blur. nothing feels real. i feel like i’m living every single day just to get by. i’m just going through the motions. i’m not really living. i’m torn the fuck apart and i’m in shambles. recovery used to be the only thing i was reaching for, but it feels entirely too far away. i’m losing hope more and more.

i am not the person i was a few years ago. i used to be confident, outgoing, friendly. i used to care about how others felt. i used to go out of my way to make others happy. i loved making other people smile. now, i’m just begging for something to make me smile. i have become so selfish. i’m trying to reach for that happiness that i used to feel, and that happiness that is now so hard to find.

i wish someone would understand what i’m going through. i don’t expect anyone to get it. i never want anyone to feel the way i feel right now. i wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. i’m so numb to everything. i want to feel something. i know it sounds scary. i can’t help it.

after an abusive relationship, losing a baby, being sexually assaulted, being used, being torn apart everyday, being hurt by the ones you love the most, being betrayed, living my life everyday in utter fear, feeling worthless, useless, and hopeless, ive decided i’m tired. i’m tired. and i want to be done. i want to be done so bad. i want to give up on everything. it’s exhausting trying to pretend to be okay when i’m genuinely crumbling. ive tried to live a normal life. i’ve tried to make everyone happy & i’ve tried to be the person i used to be. it’s hard. i want to. trust me. fuck, i want to be okay so bad. i want to be the old me. but she’s gone. truly. if i could be that person again, god, i would in a heartbeat. but this is what happens. no one understands the true effects of depression. im living proof. you will not be the same person. the shit is sick. it should not be romanticized or glorified. it is not cute, nor is it something to joke about. this is real. this is something i battle every single day. this is the fight i’m ready to forfeit. it will tear you down. it will break you apart. it will change you. it’s hard, it’s ugly, and it’s tiring. it’s beating me. it is winning the fight. i’m tired and i’m giving up.

[bellllls]

it’s crazy that I know how I’m going to die

[bellllls]

I am so fucking sad and broken and just unable to be fixed

[bellllls]

I think I’m in love

[bellllls]

am I pulling myself out or falling in deeper?

[bellllls]

I can tell when people are in love. Boy, girl. Young, old. I just know.

[bellllls]

law :/

[bellllls]

wondering when it's gonna be 3:30 AM & you're not the one on my mind. wondering when my mind will just be at peace.