bellswb21-blog

[bellswb21-blog]

“Laugh all you want and cry all you want and whistle at pretty men in the street and to hell with anybody who thinks you’re a damned fool!”

— Armistead Maupin, More Tales of the City (via books-n-quotes)

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tomorrow will be better

[bellswb21-blog]

1-9-18

My heart physically hurts. I don’t want to be home. I cry every time i think about it and i don’t feel comfortable talking about it so it’s all on me. I don’t want to talk to Mom bc she kicked Dad out. I don’t want to talk to my sister bc she called him a drug addict and refuses to talk to him. I don’t want to be here

[bellswb21-blog]

You always ask me how I feel, but I never know the answer. How do I tell someone that was never even mine that seeing them with somebody else made me cry on the bathroom floor? How do I explain how many days I spent isolated in my bedroom because even doing the simplest things felt impossible? You wouldn’t know what to say anyway.

v.m (via writingboutyou)

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10-29-17

I’m not stressed. There’s just so much pressure riding on me to succeed and my future is already planned out for me. I want to be a doctor, but sometimes I don’t feel that I am smart enough to be one. Mom always calls me “future Dr.Hess”. Great for you Mom but it leaves me with this pressure to follow through with it. Like I have to be a doctor and succeed. Sometimes I feel like there is so much excepted of me and I don’t want to let those people down.

[bellswb21-blog]

And one day, she snapped. The tears began to flow, and they fell and fell and fell from her tired eyes as she turned away to run, to hide, to do anything to get away. To escape. It was cowardly, yes, but it was all she had left. Maybe she was running away from herself. Or, maybe running away had become who she was.

excerpt from a book I’ll never write // J.W. (via stormpreparations)

[bellswb21-blog]

All these years I’ve craved a relationship and now that someone actually wants me I’m beginning to push them away. I see these break up or hopeless romantic’s stories and don’t know what to feel about them. I used to love reading them and now when I do I feel selfish for having something but not wanting it.

There is so much pressure riding on me. I need to work to earn income but I need to focus on my career and grades. I have yet to figure out how to balance it. Even though my parents say they’ll help me, I want to be independent and I feel bad asking them for their money. My classes are more difficult than I thought and my grades are slowly slipping while mom is getting on me for keeping them up. Along with the pressure of my grades there’s pressure to pick a college.. I don’t know where I want to go. Pressure to go to MSU from one side and a pressure to go to UNL on the other. I want to create my own story and I don’t know how I’m gonna do that by going there.

Lastly, my best friend’s grandpa died and she hasn’t said anything to me about it. What the hell? I’d give anything to have my grandma or aunt back and she’s here not even talking about it or even just telling me that it happened. I want to help her but it’s hard when she doesn’t open up about it. It seems kinda selfish to me. Family is the most important thing and idk how you’d lose a family member and not lean on your best friends during that time.

So the question of this post is, why is life so hard at 17?

[bellswb21-blog]

4-5-17

It's been a while, so I'm here to update you on the most recent things that's been happening in my life. 1. My mom found my diary. Practically everything I've ever felt for or done with a boy is written in there. Last dated November 12th, the day I lost my virginity. How do you go on with your mom knowing that her 16 year old daughter lost her virginity? I didn't know how to react; I was filled with anger that she read it but also a sense of relief that she knows and I don't have to feel so alone. 2. One of my friends threw a party and a girl I am friends with got caught. She doesn't talk to me or even look at me anymore. I wasn't even there and had nothing to do with this stupid party. I don't understand why her parents are mad at me either because she's 16 years old.. that's old enough to make your own decisions. It's not my fault your daughter lied to you and drank. Grow up. 3- this happened today and I can't stop thinking about it. A guy (my age) called me a cunt. How do you even respond to that? Why does he think it's okay to call a girl or anybody that? Before he said that I told him that I didn't like drinking bc it makes me forget things. That's scary to not be able to remember what you did or said. His response was "you're a cunt, I'm done talking to you". Filled with anger and sadness, I chose not to respond. It was worth it but he wasn't. I'm not going to waste my time talking to someone who says those things to me. Fuck that.

[bellswb21-blog]

2-14-17

I've made the decision to speak my mind and just come out and say what I'm thinking. That decision is probably the best one made in a while. I have more confidence and I feel like it gives others more too. I don't hold it in anymore. If some one looks good I tell them that, it benefits us both. I think this is really gonna help me come out of my shell this year

[bellswb21-blog]

2-5-17

They don't want you. All they want is to use you. Use you for your body and expose you. Even if they don't expose you publicly, you will always feel exposed for it. Don't give in to them. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Don't do something just for them because you are too precious to be treated that way

[bellswb21-blog]

1-8-17

2016 has been something I can't even begin to describe. I had my first kiss in 2016, and lost my virginity. I went to my first party. Drank and smoked for the first time. I got my nose pierced. Snuck out and in for the first time. Got caught in action. It was a year of many firsts; some good and some not so good. 2016 was action packed, so what will this year be like?

[bellswb21-blog]

1-1-17

It's a new year, which means new things and supposedly a new you. It's all about making change and changing into who you want to be. You can try out a new person, I've always wondered what it'd like to be someone who you've always wished of being. They say "new year, new me" is the most generic thing for the start of a new year. Which is true, but make the decision to focus on making this year committed to yourself. Focus on your body and keeping healthy. Focus on school because in just a few more years, all that time and effort will be worth it. Focus on your priorities, and keep an open mind this year

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12-26-16

I want to be noticed. I want to be the girl that people know. You can automatically put a face to my name. I want to be the girl that boys say "damn" about. I want to be adored and loved. All this sounds selfish.. I know, but it's what I want

[bellswb21-blog]

I’m fighting myself. I know I am. One minute I want to remember. The next minute I want to live in the land of forgetting. One minute I want to feel. The next minute I never want to feel ever again.

Benjamin Alire Sáenz, Last Night I Sang to the Monster (via wordsnquotes)

[bellswb21-blog]

I'm more fragile than you think

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I’m not sure how much more I can take.