bemuscious

[bemuscious]

6/15

Last thing i remember before waking up is i'm looking in the mirror and i'm crying about how much of a failure I am, except I see an old man in the mirror. The strangest aspect about this dream was that the man in the mirror did not look the slightest bit like me even if I aged 40 years. He looked vaguely italian and when I turned away from the mirror, I saw him staring at a mirror of his own as he turned to me.

[bemuscious]

https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/36_questions_for_increasing_closeness

Set I: 

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world whom would you want as a dinner guest? 

A person who has never experienced fine dining/a particular form of cuisine before, and due to economic/geographic factors, likely never will if not for our date. 

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way? 

I think I would prefer to be famous after I died, if at all. I don’t particularly like attention that centers on any single aspect of my being, which I would likely be famous for. It takes away the excitement of getting to know someone progressively and if I were to get so famous as to be idolized, I think that form of rapport is especially dangerous (for psychopaths like me lol). I would prefer to affect the world in a way that is tangible, but not ego-centric. 

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

I don’t, but I probably should haha. I think the complexity of the call needs to be considered for sure, but nowadays, most phone calls involve a first line of defense that are patient enough to point you in the right direction even if you meander through a half-baked strudel of words. 

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you? 

Honest to god, cold shower first thing, extravagant breakfast, then off on some patchwork mission related to music creation or ecological restoration, then a dance party, then sex, then video games with my sexual partner. 

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else? 

I sing to myself every day and I sing to my cat if that counts as someone else haha. 

6.  If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want? 

I would want the 30 year old mind, most definitely. Being cognitively spry in advanced age is not exactly floating in my family gene pool. 

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? 

I think I’m probably going to starve to death. I will elaborate only if my interlocutor is ready for a long, dark conversation path. 

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common. 

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

Public education 

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?  

I would treat myself with curiosity and compassion, not shame or like i’m burdensome. 

11.  Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

[type it out]

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

The ability to befriend anyone and everyone. 

SET II: 

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?

I would like to know exactly how to hack my brain into being hyper productive. 

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? 

I’ve dreamed of travelling the world and I haven’t done it out of both fear and financial constraints. 

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

Surviving an 11 hour surgery? Getting a physics degree? Helping a kid adjust his behavioral issues before kindergarten? Writing and recording my own song? I will have to come back to this one.  

16. What do you value most in friendship? 

An understanding that I might not always be pleasant to be around nor will I often try to strike up conversation simply due to a deeply emotionally damaging upbringing that did not welcome open communication. 

17. What is your most treasured memory?

Playing halo 2 with one of my best friends Isaac. 

18. What is your most terrible memory? 

Either waking up with a breathing tube in my throat after an 11 hour surgery and proceeding to be extubated or being abused by my mother when I was 5 for not understanding algebra. 

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

Yeah, I would probably stop working on myself as a person and just try to have the best time I could possibly get in a year. 

20. What does friendship mean to you?

Speaking the same language and confiding in each other. 

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

Not a very prominent role, unfortunately. I’m trying to get better about this by showing people in my life as much affection as I can muster, but it is very tricky learning to love even myself. 

22.  Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

Not very close or warm at all. We love our cats, but due to a series of tragedies starting with the death of my father when I was 8, it has been very tough to feel any amount of warmth from my family. I think my childhood was still pretty good, regardless. I don’t think it would be reasonable to compare my childhood with many of my peers in similar socioeconomic classes. It would make more sense for me to compare my childhood with that of other kids who had single parents, to which I would say my childhood was pretty awesome. 

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

My relationship with my mother has come a very long way; she used to be quite abusive due to her own upbringing, but she has improved a lot and I have done everything in my power to forgive her and sympathize. I even helped her get through her degree when I briefly worked full time as a land surveyor. 

SET III:

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”

...pure, unadulterated joy and a ridiculous pantheon of niche interests (from both of us).

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for them to know. 

I am trying my very best to be a loving person who provides as much value as I can and sometimes I get a bit insecure that I’m not offering enough and I apologize in advance if I impose my insecurities onto you or anyone else with you in my midst. 

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

I last cried in front of my visiting cohort at an ecovillage when someone was monologuing about the destruction we are doing to the planet and I cry at least once a week for various reasons. 

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them [already].

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

Someone’s dedication to something. 

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

I would regret not telling every person who has ever touched my life that I love them and I haven’t told them that because I am sure they are feeling plenty of love without me. 

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

My sister. She’s been my best friend since childhood. It would be more devastating than disturbing. 

36.  Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how they might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

[bemuscious]

- Look into buying socks (for everyone) for christmas

- Need to catch up on shenzhen i/o for Joe’s grandnephew

-Buy everyone antiques for christmas; it’s more eco-friendly

-Ask the kind folks at Kindred Homestead Supply if they have products to make my kitchen paperless

[bemuscious]

Kind of a rough day.

Nobody is responding to my texts and while today’s meetup event was fairly successful, I didn’t walk away very hopeful. Not many people my age there. I also should’ve introduced myself to that girl I saw in the bookstore but this damn hesitation. I’m thankful I had that experience though, it seems like I’m getting better at opening up to strangers even if I can’t keep the momentum going for longer than an hour. I need to figure out how to recover my old carefree demeanor. 

I’m grateful for: 

My education

My cat

My relatively physical pain-free life

Music

My eyes

[bemuscious]

Remothering affirmations

I am so glad you were born.

You are a good person.

I love who you are and am doing my best to always be on your side. 

You can come to me whenever you’re feeling hurt or bad.

You do not have to be perfect to get my love and protection.

All of your feelings are okay with me. 

I am always glad to see you.

It is okay for you to be angry and I won’t let you hurt yourself or others when you are.

You can make mistakes- they are your teachers. 

You know what you need and ask for help. 

You can have your own preferences and tastes. 

You are delight to my eyes.

You can choose your own values. 

You can pick your own friends, and you don’t have to like everyone.

You can sometimes feel confused and ambivalent, and not know all the answers.

I am very proud of you. 

[bemuscious]

EQ-i 2.0 emotional intelligence test

Sister’s graduation gift

trouble starting convos

fetal position 

Accepting people as they are is not necessarily conducive to growth because it gives a lot of people the excuse to remain tacit.

[bemuscious]

I think I need a vacation. Thinking about planning one for meow wolf in vegas or something like that. 

Do I even want to find someone I’m truly comfortable with? I feel like when I let loose around my friends, they just start making fun of me. Like when I TRULY let go. 

My mom is still not comfortable doing arts & crafts in her fiance’s house and I don’t want to end up THAT neurotic. 

Subject of growing something organically from friendship? It seems practical as you get older, but it seems like it rarely pans out. Why is it that we have to be vulnerable in front of complete strangers for the process of courtship? 

[bemuscious]

https://www.instagram.com/natalia.eve/

https://www.instagram.com/yane_yesterline/

[bemuscious]

It feels like I'm always leaning into people's insecurities as a way to make jokes and I try not to be too mean about it but I am afraid of coming across as laughing at someone else's expense. It also feels like I have no ability to put people at ease, a skill I really wish to develop

[bemuscious]

Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation

by

Daniel J. Siegel

[bemuscious]

The Seven Conditions for Achieving Flow

1. Knowing what to do

2. Knowing how to do it

3. Knowing how well you are doing

4. Knowing where to go

5. Perceiving significant challanges

6.Perceiving significant skills

7.Being free from distraction

[bemuscious]

Brain-hacking compounds/herbs to research

Alpha GPC

Bacopa monnieri 

[bemuscious]

Empathy/Reflection

1. Empathy statement: Identify the emotions that are being expressed.

2. Reflective statement: Give interpretation, tie back to previous things that were said. 

[bemuscious]

Workaway

wwoof

couchsurfing

hostelworld

worldpackers

[bemuscious]

Values are:

1. Chosen

2. Life-giving

3. Present moment-oriented

[bemuscious]

1. words of affirmation 33%

2. acts of service 20%

3/4. physical touch, receiving gifts 17%

5. quality time 13%

[bemuscious]

Pinter exercises Chapter 1 Section A

Hopefully I stick to it this time

1. No. Counterexample: a=1, b=2, a*b=√|ab|=√2. Q not closed under * 

2. No. Counterexample: for 0<b<e, R>0 is not closed under *

3. No. Two distinct roots for each choice of a & b.

4. Yes. Defined for each ordered pair (a,b); operations on every ordered pair is unique; Closed under Z. 

5. No, Z≥0 is not closed under subtraction. 

6. Yes.