beneathwhoiam

[beneathwhoiam]

Every day, I die a little bit more inside

Every night, I lay in tears in bed

Every morning, is like a new hopeless beginning

I get up, pretend everything is find, pretend I'm hopeful and heading in a direction

When in fact I'm just running from me

Running away from me because it reminds me of you

Of all the hurt you caused me

Of all the chances I kept giving you

That I keep giving

Just because, I have nothing else

I am empty and have always been

I wish I was strong enough to walk away

Or strong enough to take my life

But here I am stuck

Grieving the life I never had but always dreamed of

The life of a family

Not even a happy one

Just a family.

I just want things to end

I just want life to end

Because what's the point anymore?

[beneathwhoiam]

He's going to find out soon. That this marriage is something he hates everything about. He will find soon that he's been pretending for so long, to have same values of me, same opinions, and same taste, he will find out he hates all he claimed was his. He still doesn't know it but he will reject this marriage soon.

And maybe then I, the one whose been begging for a divorce, will find out that this marriage is all I ever wanted, but will never really have.

I wish he was honest from the beginning, I wish he knew what he really really wanted. I wish he said no instead of giving million broken promises. I wish he realized this before.

I deserved a love that didn’t have to be begged for, fought for, or explained.

I deserved a love that showed up with both hands open, not crossed fingers behind the back.

[beneathwhoiam]

I am tired. I want it all to end.

[beneathwhoiam]

9 years and I still feel the same..

Should've left then, should leave now..

[beneathwhoiam]

It takes all my strength not to dig you up from the ground in which you lay

The biggest part of me, you were the greatest thing

And now you're just a memory to let go of...

[beneathwhoiam]

It happened..

What I kept warning you about, happened

I don't care anymore

If you're here or not

If you notice me or not

If you take care of me or not

If you're happy or not

If you want me or not

I don't care

That simple

I feel nothing for you

And that's how I know this is over

[beneathwhoiam]

We learn, Johannah, to say.... goodbye

[beneathwhoiam]

It feels horrible closing the door I put all that I am into opening

[beneathwhoiam]

I am a plate

A plate you pack carefully when living aborad to take with you

You want it to get there in perfect condition 

But it doesn't 

It arrives broken into 3 big pieces 

You can throw it, because you can have others

In fact, you have the exact same one that arrived safely 

But you dont want to throw it

You want it

You can't let go

You promise you'll fix it

Its so easy you plead

You once watched a video where they repair valuable broken items

So its just a matter of ordering that glue and repairing it

And you'll get to keep it forever 

Wait! Who said you have to repair it to get to keep it

You can keep it as it is

And so you do

You put it in your closet, where it gets buried under your shoes

And you forget it exists 

But thats okay 

Because you didn't let go of it

If you ever remember it you'll find it waiting 

And I thought I'd be marginally different than a fancy plate to you

But here I am

Broken

Buried under years of neglect

And whenever something reminds you of me

You pull that "i can easily fix it" card

Just to keep me in case, just in case you ever wanted me

But I want to be free

Free from you

Or free from the closet

Just free

So I try

But I can’t run

And I can’t get close to you either

Because even if I did

I’d still be broken

[beneathwhoiam]

Knowing someone long kept secret is a curse. Specially if that secret is shameful to that someone, shamful to the point they subconsciously avoided and denied for many many years. Because if you know, you become a part of that shame and avoidance. You become a part of the secret. You become a constant reminder of their shame, not at your fault, just because you simply know. 

Knowing someones long kept shameful secret can be the end of your relationship. Even if you never wanted to know.

[beneathwhoiam]

Just know, it wasn't all bad, you didn't stay even though ot was horrible

You had good days

You felt safe with him

You felt like a little kid filled with joy

He took care of you some days

He stayed up with you many nights when depression took over

His arms took care of you

Just remember you weren't stupid to hang on

And you weren't stupid to let go

[beneathwhoiam]

I think I'm married to the most miserable person on earth

I don't know if he's aware of it

He must be on some level

But never brave enough to face it, neither am I

He used to find a haven in me, but many years ago that was gone, even before we got engaged, maybe when he flee the country

I feel like we're broken beyond repair, us together 

I wish he'd face his demons

And I wish I was strong enough so he wouldn't feel the need to hide

He's been silent for a while

His silence is defeating

And I'm begging to lose my ability to comprehend words

There isn't enough time

[beneathwhoiam]

Let it all pass.. I'm leaving..

I'm feeling guilty of how bad I want to leave the hurt.

Because I am hurt but everyone is denying the hurt.

So I feel like I'm accusing them of it.

But I am not.

I am hurt a lot.

I am burning of this hurt.

They are selfish, jealous.

It's too much for me to handle.

I am really sad deep inside.

I wish I could have good relations with them.

But it's not working.

Not with Dad, and not with Mom.

Not with my siblings.

I feel like my family let me down, time after time after time.

But I want my family, I want to have one.

I just don't want to get hurt.

I don't want to be hurt

[beneathwhoiam]

Normalize seeing someone's lack of effort as their lack of interest in you regardless of what they tell you. Giving you all of the right words, but none of the right actions is called manipulation. When a person wants to be with you, they prove it.

[beneathwhoiam]

My mind wanders back to my house on the day my mother left, taking my sister with her. I'm sitting alone on the porch, staring out at the garden. It's twilight, in early summer, and the trees cast long shadows. I'm alone in the house. I don't know why, but I already knew I was abandoned. I understood even then how this would change my world forever. Nobody told me this-I just knew it. The house is empty, deserted, an abandoned lookout post on some far-off frontier. I'm watch- ing the sun setting in the west, shadows slowly stealing over the world. In a world of time, nothing can go back to the way it was. The shadows' feelers steadily advance, eroding away one point after another along the ground, until my mother's face, there until a moment ago, is swal- lowed up in this dark, cold realm. That hardened face, turned away from me, is automatically snatched away, deleted from my memory.

I try to feel what she felt then and get closer to her viewpoint. It isn't easy. I'm the one who was abandoned, after all, she's the one who did the abandoning. But after a while I take leave of myself. My soul sloughs off the stiff clothes of the self and turns into a black crow that sits there on a branch high up in a pine tree in the garden, gazing down at the four-year-old boy on the porch.

I turn into a theorizing black crow.

"It's not that your mother didn't love you," the boy named Crow says from behind me. "She loved you very deeply. The first thing you have to do is believe that. That's your starting point."

"But she abandoned me. She disappeared, leaving me alone where I shouldn't be. I'm finally beginning to understand how much that hurt. How could she do that if she really loved me?"

"That's the reality of it. It did happen," the boy named Crow says. "You were hurt badly, and those scars will be with you forever. I feel sorry for you, I really do. But think of it like this: It's not too late to re- cover. You're young, you're tough. You're adaptable. You can patch up your wounds, lift up your head, and move on. But for her that's not an option. The only thing she'll ever be is lost. It doesn't matter whether somebody judges this as good or bad-that's not the point. You're the one who has the advantage. You ought to consider that."

I don't respond.

"It all really happened, so you can't undo it," Crow tells me. "She shouldn't have abandoned you then, and you shouldn't have been abandoned. But things in the past are like a plate that's shattered to pieces. You can never put it back together like it was, right?"

I nod. You can never put it back together like it was. He's hit the nail on the head.

The boy named Crow continues. "Your mother felt a gut-wrenching kind of fear and anger inside her, okay? Just like you do now. Which is why she had to abandon you."

"Even though she loved me?"

"Even though she loved you, she had to abandon you. You need to understand how she felt then, and learn to accept it. Understand the overpowering fear and anger she experienced, and feel it as your own-so you won't inherit it and repeat it. The main thing is this: You have to forgive her. That's not going to be easy, I know, but you have to do it. That's the only way you can be saved. There's no other way!"

"But I still don't get it. You're telling me my mother loved me very much. I want to believe you, but if that's true, I just don't get it. Why does loving somebody mean you have to hurt them just as much? I mean, if that's the way it goes, what's the point of loving someone? Why the hell does it have to be like that?"

I wait for an answer. I keep my mouth shut for a long time, but there's no response, so I spin around. The boy named Crow is gone. From up above I hear the flap of wings.

You're totally confused.

[beneathwhoiam]

"Kafka, in everybody's life there's a point of no return. And in a very few cases, a point where you can't go forward anymore. And when we reach that point, all we can do is quietly accept the fact. That's how we survive."

[beneathwhoiam]

I want to learn to not be considerate in situations I'm not even considered.