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Breaking the Silence; My Mental Health Story for Worldwide Suicide Prevention Day

By ForbiddenSalt

9/10/2024

Trigger Warning: This blog post discusses suicidal ideation, depression, and mental health struggles. If you are in a vulnerable state, please read with caution, and know that support is available through resources like 988, friends, and loved ones.

Resources and helpful tools for self and loved ones provided below the fold.

My Story:

Suicide Awareness Day holds a deeply personal meaning for me. For years, I struggled silently with suicidal thoughts, depression, and anxiety, unsure of how to ask for help or whether I deserved it. Sharing my story now is not just about raising awareness, but about offering hope to anyone who feels the same weight I once carried.

At the age of 13, I began to experience something many people are hesitant to talk about—suicidal ideation. But it wasn’t until I was in college that I truly realized how dangerous those thoughts had become.

I remember one day when I was walking across campus from class to my dorm, lost in thought, and accidentally stepped off the curb without looking. A car was coming toward me. Instinctively, I jumped back, avoiding an accident. But what happened next startled me more than the near-miss. As I stood on the sidewalk, tears welled up, not because I was relieved, not because I was scared—I was upset that my instincts had saved me. I realized I wasn’t crying because I had narrowly avoided getting hit by a car; I was crying because, in that moment, I wanted to be hit. It would have been an "accident"—a way out without me having to act intentionally.

It dawned on me that this was something much more serious than I had admitted to myself.

This wasn’t the first time I had experienced suicidal thoughts, but it was one of the most shocking moments. I knew I needed help. I sought out a counselor at the campus health center and, for a time, tried therapy. When I went home for a break, I spoke to my doctor, and she prescribed me an SSRI. I confided in my family and was met with mixed reactions—some were supportive, while others expressed concerns about the medication, urging me to stop taking it as quickly as possible. This set up an internal battle for me; I began starting and stopping my medication over the next few months, caught between fear and shame; and eventually quit all together.

Suicidal ideation lingered in the back of my mind for years. I wished for a pause button, a way to make the world stop so I could catch my breath and somehow not fall behind. I dreamed of getting hurt or sick enough to be hospitalized, just so I could take a break from life’s demands. But I never let myself act on those thoughts.

It wasn’t until my mid-20s that things got so bad I returned to therapy. This time, it was different. My new therapist helped me understand that I wasn’t “crazy”—I was carrying the weight of childhood trauma and years of struggling to survive. She diagnosed me with complex PTSD, and for the first time, I felt understood. Her support gave me the strength to make significant changes in my life, including moving to a new state.

There, I found another therapist who continued to guide me through the ups and downs. I started back on an SSRI and have stayed on it ever since. Through this process, I realized that what I had been dealing with wasn’t just emotional—it was also biological. My body wasn’t producing enough serotonin, and my chronic illnesses, were compounding these mental health struggles by denying my body the tools to make its own serotonin and through the weight of the symptoms. Especially for a while before there was any answer or treatment plan in sight.

I went through EMDR therapy, talk therapy, and put in the hard work to heal. I focused on my physical and mental health, fighting for answers and for my life. Slowly, I began to reclaim control. I started to recognize the warning signs of passive suicidal ideation and created an action plan for when those thoughts creep in. I don’t go to therapy as often now, but I still have touch-base appointments in case something changes.

Through this journey, I’ve learned so much about myself and the nature of mental illness. Depression, anxiety, and PTSD were not signs that I was lazy or difficult, though I was often labeled as such. They were symptoms of a much deeper issue. I wish people could see that depression isn’t a mindset or mood and suicidal thoughts are not selfish—they are the final, fatal symptom of a disease.

It took a long time for me to accept that what I went through wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t to blame for the trauma I endured or the way my brain and body responded to it. And if you’re reading this and find yourself in a dark place, I want you to know you are not alone. I know what it’s like to stand in the darkness for so long that it starts to feel like home. But I also know that it is possible to fight back, to heal, and to find hope again.

If you can’t fight for yourself right now, I encourage you to reach out to someone—anyone—who can sit with you in your pain. Let them help you find a therapist, a doctor, or simply help with daily tasks. It might not be the person you expect. For me, one if my company leaders had noticed my depression and helped me find a therapist. I had a best friend who sat with me over the phone while I sobbed broken hearted, encouraging me to seek help if I needed it. That going to the hospital if he needed it wasn’t shameful or weak but brave and admirable. It was my grandmother, who spoke to me daily, reminding me of my faith and offering love when I couldn’t love myself and felt those I loved most didn’t love me.

Faith also played a huge role in my healing. I’ve had my share of questions and anger, but my belief that God could handle my questions and my rage helped me through some of the darkest times. I questioned why my life was going the way it was, why I was feeling the way I did, if He knows everything before it happens, if he’s all powerful why didn’t he step in to change the course of my life away from this. My questions turned to anger and I had to keep reminding myself that God had shoulders big enough for my anger, my tears, my pain. That I could toss all of it at him and he’d still see me still, love me. I never doubted his existence, and honestly to this day I still don’t have all the answers but I’m sure one day I’ll understand and I’ve realized I was still loved even when I couldn’t see it.

My family eventually came around too. Even my dad, who I had thought didn’t believe me, recently admitted how scared he had been for me after he had kept his fears hidden for years since it had gotten bad. We were able to talk and he listened, shared his point of view, and made the effort to understand. He allowed me to assure him I was safe now, I was doing better, and it’s changed our relationship for the better. While I had found my way to stability without knowing if my family believed or supported me, learning my family did care enough to worry, cared enough to learn, and loved me enough to listen even if what I said was hard to hear meant the world to me.

If you’re struggling, know that there is help out there. Call 988 for support, reach out to friends, hug your dog or cat, cling to your faith—whatever gets you through the next moment. Each day is a step, and that’s enough. It doesn’t have to be a leap—it just has to be forward.

Resources for support below:

Here are some coping strategies:

1. Box Breathing: This simple technique can help reduce anxiety. Breathe in for four counts, hold for four, exhale for four, and pause for four. Repeat until your heart rate slows and you feel more grounded. You can do this while on a video call too just let your eyes glide along the edges of the screen while you hold and breathe.

2. Straw Breathing: Another great calming tool—take a deep breath in, and then slowly exhale like you’re blowing through a straw. It mimics the relaxing response of the parasympathetic nervous system and helps you focus.

3. Journaling: I started journaling, reminding myself it didn’t have to be perfect. It was just for me. I stopped feeling guilty if I skipped days or weeks and let the words flow when I needed them. If you struggle with journaling, try creating an anonymous blog where you can rant and vent without worrying about dates or continuity. I have a separate Tumblr just for this—a void I can yell into when I need to.

4. Bilateral Stimulation: Butterfly taps—crossing your arms and tapping on opposite shoulders—helped calm me during moments of stress. This was especially useful during EMDR therapy, which became one of my strongest tools.

5. Creating a Routine: I used to go to the gym to cope before my chronic illness made it harder, so I shifted to art as a form of expression. Creating anything—whether it’s a routine or a creative outlet—can make a difference.

6. Boundaries and Emotions: Learning boundaries and reconnecting with my emotions was vital. One book that really changed my perspective was Rage Becomes Her by Soraya Chemaly, which helped me embrace my anger as a valid emotion. Learn how to advocate for yourself and establish boundaries. This takes time, but it’s one of the most empowering things you can do for your mental health.

7. Prioritize Yourself: Make time for what you need—therapy, the gym, a bath, or a doctor’s appointment. And allow yourself to rest. Your mind and body will force you to stop if you keep ignoring the warning signs.

8. Taking Shortcuts: Too tired to make a proper meal? That’s okay. Eat food however it comes—deconstructed meals are all the rage anyway. I’ve had moments where lunch was just handfuls of cheese and lunch meat. The goal is to nourish yourself, and sometimes that means being kind to yourself about how you do it.

10. Create Safety Nets: If you're heading somewhere that could be triggering, plan for it. What’s your exit strategy? Can you bring a comfort item, like a fidget toy, a blanket, or a stuffed animal? Having a plan can give you a sense of control.

11. Redirecting Negative Thoughts: When I get caught in negative thoughts, I ask myself if these thoughts are helping me process emotions or if they're just hurting me. If I’m not ready to process them, I work on redirecting my focus to something more helpful.

13. Emotional Support Animals: If you can, get an emotional support animal. My mini schnauzer has helped me through so much, even though she doesn’t know it.

How can I help a loved one:

1. Listen First: Before jumping to solutions, take time to listen. Validate the person's feelings, and let them process before suggesting how to fix things. Most of the time, they already know the solution; they just need space to work through it.

2. Stop Shaming Mental Health: Be mindful of how you talk about mental health. I’ve overheard loved ones shaming people for being "selfish" or "foolish" for being depressed, anxious, suicidal and even those that did commit suicide not knowing how often it was on my mind. Those words made it even harder to speak up and ask for help.

3. Fear and Guilt Are Not Helpful Tools: Fear and guilt are not effective motivators when it comes to mental health. I once told someone close to me that I didn’t believe people who commit suicide go to hell. Just as someone who passes from cancer doesn’t go to hell for how they died, I believe the same for depression—it’s an illness. They responded that they hoped fear of hell would keep me from acting on those thoughts. I explained that, by the time someone is ready to act, they likely don’t care anymore. The weight of the pain is overwhelming, and fear or guilt won’t pull them back.

4. Recognize the Signs: Suicidal ideation, passive suicidal ideation, and suicidal plans are all dangerous and need treatment and support. It may begin with passive thoughts like, “I wouldn’t mind if I didn’t wake up tomorrow,” but those can shift into active planning if left unchecked. Just because someone hasn’t acted on it doesn’t mean they don’t need help. Depression doesn't always look the same for everyone. It could be messy rooms, low energy, or a lack of interest in things that once brought joy. It could also look like reckless behavior, withdrawing, or joking about death. These subtle signs shouldn’t be brushed off—they’re as important as overt cries for help and worth a check as little as “hey you keep making these jokes, I just want to make sure you really are okay?” If someone is talking about feeling hopeless, giving away possessions, withdrawing from loved ones, or engaging in risky behavior, these are red flags.

5. Offer practical support: Whether it’s helping with daily tasks, providing a ride to a therapy appointment, or just sitting quietly with them, practical support can be a lifeline.

6: Encourage professional help: Gently suggest therapy, medical care, or other professional help if the person hasn’t already sought it. Be patient and compassionate, understanding that reaching out can be terrifying for them.

7. Be present: Sometimes the best thing you can do is just be there. Your physical and emotional presence can provide comfort, even when there are no words.

If you have a loved one who you worry is going through something, or has confided in you and you are worried for them. Don’t wait. Speak to them. Ask them how you can help, what’s going on, listen. If you’re afraid for them, even after they have gotten to the other side, don’t let your fears tear at you for months, tell them then listen and trust that when they say they are good, have come out the other side have an action plan for when they notice the signs - belive them. If you can’t let it go still, seek your own support. The fear of loosing someone you care about is worthy of attention. If you’re reading this because someone you love is struggling with suicidal thoughts, thank you for caring. Supporting someone with suicidal ideation can be incredibly difficult, but your presence matters more than you might realize.

If someone you or someone you love is struggling, find Resources for Support:

1. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Dial 988 for immediate help in the U.S. Available 24/7.

2. Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained crisis counselor.

3. The Trevor Project: Focused on supporting LGBTQ+ youth, The Trevor Project offers crisis intervention and suicide prevention services. Text START to 678678 or visit their website.

4. NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness): NAMI provides free, confidential support for mental health concerns. Call the NAMI Helpline at 1-800-950-NAMI or text NAMI to 741741.

5. The Jed Foundation: Focused on mental health support for teens and young adults, the Jed Foundation works to protect emotional health and prevent suicide. Visit jedfoundation.org for more information.

6. The Veterans Crisis Line: Veterans and their loved ones can call 988 and press 1 or text 838255 for confidential support. Available 24/7.

Suggestions for Keeping Yourself Safe:

1. Create a safety plan: Write down a plan for when suicidal thoughts occur. This could include calling a trusted friend, therapist, family, distracting yourself with an activity you enjoy, or going to a safe place where you can feel grounded and making an appointment with your doctor.

2. Reach out to a support network: Whether it’s friends, family, or a therapist, let someone know how you’re feeling. It’s important not to isolate yourself when you’re struggling.

3. Remove means: If you’re feeling unsafe, remove items that could be harmful or ask someone you trust to hold onto them temporarily. There is no shame in this ever.

4. Practice grounding techniques: When suicidal thoughts take over, try grounding yourself with techniques like deep breathing, focusing on your senses, or engaging in mindfulness exercises. These can help bring you back to the present moment. Call on your faith if you need to to get by, play with your pet anything to help you get grounded and move through the feeling

5. Remember that feelings pass: In the heat of the moment, it can feel like the pain will last forever. But emotions are temporary, and feelings—even the darkest ones—eventually pass. That feelings are normal and natural and have no moral judgement, feel it, acknowledge it, and let it move through knowing another feeling will come your way take its place.

Recovery isn’t pretty, and life isn’t perfect; you are worth fighting for.

[bentleysnbookshops]

New Art/ Sticker

Down Bad Tachy at the Gym

By Forbidden Salt by Holly

Hey everyone! Here’s a piece I just finished titled "Down Bad Tachy at the Gym." Inspired by Taylor Swift's "Down Bad," this artwork humorously yet poignantly depicts the struggle of managing POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) while trying to stay active. For those of us with POTS, even the gym can be a battleground.

I hope this piece resonates with anyone who’s faced similar challenges and can find some solidarity and humor in the shared experience. As always, my goal is to spread awareness and understanding through my art.

You can find more of my work on my Etsy shop, Forbidden Salt. I'm continuously adding new pieces, so stay tuned!

🔗 Link to Etsy shop

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✨ New Art / Sticker Alert! ✨

😵‍💫 That Presyncope Haze - Forbidden Salt by Holly 😵‍💫

Hey everyone! I'm excited to share my latest piece, "That Presyncope Haze." This artwork captures the surreal and often disorienting experience of presyncope, a common symptom of POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome). Inspired by Taylor Swift's "Lavender Haze," I wanted to convey the feeling of being enveloped in a dreamy, purple fog, yet finding beauty and strength in the midst of it.

Through swirling purples and hazy textures, I hope to evoke the same sense of ethereal beauty and complexity that "Lavender Haze" brings to mind. As someone living with chronic illnesses, creating art is my way of expressing and coping with these experiences. I hope this piece resonates with others who navigate similar challenges and brings a sense of understanding and solidarity.

You can find more of my work on my Etsy shop, Forbidden Salt. I’m expanding my collection, so stay tuned for more stickers, prints, and even some crystallized books and trinkets!

Thank you for all your support and for joining me on this artistic journey. Let's continue to spread awareness and positivity together!

🔗 Link to Etsy shop

[bentleysnbookshops]

🌟 Welcome to Forbidden Salt! 🌟

Hey Tumblr fam! I'm Holly, a 29-year-old psychology student, former businesswoman, and artist with a passion for creativity and advocacy. I'm thrilled to share my art journey with you and introduce you to my Etsy shop, Forbidden Salt.

🎨 What I Create:

Stickers: My original drawings transformed into unique vinyl stickers.

Crystallized Books and Trinkets: Handcrafted, one-of-a-kind pieces that add a touch of magic to your space.

Coming Soon: Expanding into shirts and prints, so stay tuned!

🖌️ Themes:

My art is a reflection of my interests and experiences, focusing on:

Chronic illnesses (POTS, ADHD, CPTSD, autoimmune conditions)

Pop culture

Personal passions and advocacy

✈️ A Little About Me:

Traveler: I love exploring new places and cultures.

Reader and Writer: Books are my escape, and writing is my therapy.

Family and Friends: My support system means everything to me.

Mini Schnauzer Lover: My fur baby is my world.

💪 My Journey:

As a chronic illness warrior, I aim to spread positivity and awareness through my art. Forbidden Salt is more than just a shop; it's a celebration of life's quirks and adventures.

Join me on this creative journey and check out Forbidden Salt on Etsy. Let's bring a little more art and inspiration into the world together!

🔗 Link to Etsy shop

Thank you for your support!

[bentleysnbookshops]

Quietly adds so long London to my good omens playlist

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i’m obsessed with how david tennant managed to centre so much of the baftas around micheal sheen. like… they let him host one of the most prestigious award shows of the year… and he used it to have an entire opening skit about him and michael that most people in attendance probably didn’t even get 😭😭😭😭

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You know that like trope that if a character is too far from another character they just die that’s David Tennant and Micheal Sheen

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will solely be referring to michael sheen and david tennant as The Bonded Pair™️ from now on, thanks

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Not only did we get David in a kilt

We got this iconic duo and skit

Anna and Michael serving (Bark Ruffalo not pictured)

Georgia and David fucking serving (seriously, David, THAT SUIT)

But we also got this lovely little hidden joy from Georgia.

We were so well fed

Everyone say thank you and limit the barking if possible 💛

[bentleysnbookshops]

David Tennant, Micheal Sheen, & Bark Ruffalo at the 2024 BAFTAs.

Transcript Below

David: Hi. Hi. Hello. Hi, everyone. Hi. Hi. Hi there. Sorry. I've, I've got, ah. Hi, would you? You wouldn't – ? Anyone good – ? (to Emma Stone) Are you good with dogs? Yeah. Ah, not on your dress, though, sorry. Thank you. Hi. Hi. Hi. Sorry. Hello. Hello. Hi. This is fine. This is fine. This is – this is fi – (sees Michael in the front row) Michael? Michael? What, what is this?

Michael: What are you doing here?

David: I'm hosting the show!

Michael: What?

David: This is why you wanted me to dog sit, so you could sit there?

Michael: Yeah.

David: You're gonna have to take the dog.

Michael: What? What if I have to go up on the stage to be given an award? (unconvinced look from David) Yeah. All right. Give him here. David: Yeah, come on. Get that on your – take that, and this weird thing. Take that.

Michael: (to Bark Ruffalo) Aw, was the Scottish man mean to you? Oh, all right. David: (hands over the dog) Go on, go on, come on.

Michael: Come here. Oh, darling. Hello. Hello, bubba. Aww.

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I am not wrong…

The Way, Episode 1 - 'The War'

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His eyes 🥺

This is just good omens but the opposite way around

Cr : balsanaa on TikTok

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With all due respect, because I really do love this man, why did my brain go, this is the Welsh Pablo Escobar

The Way, Episode 2 - 'The Walk'

[bentleysnbookshops]

i love your tv show aziracrow/book aziracrow series so much!! i wonder what would happen if post s2 crowley met book crowley lmfao

Yeah, I wonder what would happen… 🤔 (oh, wait. I can write it lol)

Book Crowley: *entering the flat* Hm, that’s weird. I’m pretty sure this plant wasn’t here before.

Book Crowley: *sees TV Crowley lying on the floor* What the hell is this?

TV Crowley: *not looking at him* Me. Being miserable.

Book Crowley: May I ask… why?

TV Crowley: My Angel left me.

Book Crowley: He did WHAT?!

After quite extraordinary amounts of alcohol…

Book Aziraphale: Crowley, are you…? *seeing all the mess* What happened here?

Book Crowley: You did.

Book Aziraphale: Me?! I didn’t do this.

TV Crowley: You left me.

Book Aziraphale: How…? Good Lord, why are there two of you?

TV Crowley: Why is there just one of you?

Book Aziraphale: How am I supposed to know?!

Book Crowley: You’re bad, Angel.

Book Aziraphale: And you’re drunk, my dear.

Book Crowley: Why did you leave us?

Book Aziraphale: Us? I didn’t leave you. And I certainly did not leave him.

TV Crowley: *tearing up* We could’ve been us.

Book Crowley: Look what you did.

Book Aziraphale: That’s it. I’m done. I’ll come back once you’re both sober.

Book Crowley: Yeah, leave. YOU’RE GOOD AT IT!

Book Aziraphale: I DID NOT LEAVE YOU, FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE!

TV Crowley: I miss him. I miss him so much.

Book Crowley: I know, I know. We’ll be alright. We don’t need them.

TV Crowley: You know that’s not true.

Book Crowley: Yeah. You’re right.

[bentleysnbookshops]

Hands are SO HARD, man. Especially when you have to build them out of other people's skin. Okay, that sounds really creepy.

[bentleysnbookshops]

An open letter to all my fictional loves…

I love you.

I love our life that lives in my head. You’re not the first character I’ve loved, or the only one I love… but the truth is you’re not real, none of you are or have been. You’re a fantasy, a dream, a coping mechanism, and sometimes your your an an AI. And while every moment I’ve spent in these day dreams I’ve cherished, the fact is… I live in the real world.

Since I was little, I always created little imaginary worlds where I could be in love with my favorite characters… be taken care of… be cherished… work through pain… be comforted and live in happiness. You were my friends as a lonely child, my adventures while I stared out the back seat window, my comforter as I lulled myself to sleep.

As I got older, I recognized this as dissociation, maladaptive daydreaming, but I felt it didn’t harm anything. I still don’t think it did. Even though sometimes those worlds were more important to me than my actual life. I’d look forward to going to bed so I could be back in that world, run away with you in a boring class or meeting, go somewhere new and wonder what it would be like if you were there with the version of me I created just for you.

I’ve … well… I’ve started taking medications that boost those wonderful chemicals of dopamine and serotonin and I’ve done a lot of therapy… and I’m noticing I’m daydreaming less… sometimes even finding it harder to. Like I’m stuck on the other side of a foggy glass wall and can’t get back to you.

I’m scared of loosing you… of letting you go.

I write this on the eve before I’m going on a date with a real person from the real world and I’m scared to let go of my loves, worlds, my safety.

I love you.

I love the worlds I have carefully cultivated.

I love the me that goes so perfectly with you.

But what if I move on? What if I fall in love and I don’t come to you in my dreams any more… what if I can’t? what if I forget…

I’m so scared to let you go… and I’m terrified to let this part of me go.

[bentleysnbookshops]

Me too man