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When love is a one-way street

Being in love is almost universally accepted as one of the most exciting and pleasurable states we can be in.  Unfortunately, it’s also acknowledged as one of the hardest, most exhausting feelings to contend with if it goes wrong.  When it comes to love, at very best we’ll be lucky if it’s smooth sailing with a few hiccups along the journey.  If not, we may experience the heart-breaking world of unrequited love. To not even appear on the emotional radar of someone you care deeply for is soul destroying.  This can happen in multiple ways and knowing the difference is priceless.

You love them, they have no feelings for you It may be a tough question to ponder whilst deep in the mix of your feelings, but there’s a difference between loving someone you know, and loving someone you perhaps have a crush on but have never spoken to.  It’s majorly important that you distinguish between what could be considered real unrequited love and what is essentially a giant crush.

Unrequited love with a person you know well is very difficult, especially if it involves watching them with another partner, seeing them hurting with someone who’s not treating them well, or being jealous because their partner is in fact doing a better job than you could.  Usually, the advice from us is to be open and to communicate your feelings to lovers and close friends, but clearly in this situation you may want to hold back.  If honesty will ruin your friendship or make it awkward, first weigh-up what you may lose.

In the same stance, it’s entirely possible that this person you’re in love with is having the same feelings about you. We’ve all seen enough sitcoms where best friends have secretly been in love with each other but never had the courage to speak up.  It’s a delicate dance, so tread carefully and preface all disclosures and discussions with how much the friendship means to you, regardless of anything romantic that may or may not happen.

If it’s a crush you have and the other person isn’t close to you, or even aware of your existence, then be subtle in your approach.  Give them a chance to catch up and understand the feelings that you’ve had time to live with and get to know.  Tread very carefully and ensure you respect them enough to be straight-talking, but to leave well alone if your feelings aren’t reciprocated.

You’re already in a relationship and feelings have changed There’s the idea that unrequited love only happens from a distance, but there are many people who begin dating and fall in love, only to have the relationship end because the other party simply wanted some fun, or finds another partner.  It’s entirely possible to already be in a relationship and have the love you give out not returned.  

Another scenario is that you’ve been in a relationship for a while, where there was love which has now unfortunately faded for one or both of you.  Unrequited love can creep up slowly and is devastating to both parties, as well as any life together you may have created.  If you find yourself in this predicament, our advice is to try and focus on the how it happened and not the why.  

The difference is that the why may take years to discover, with you only realising it had to happen a decade later, after finding yourself with someone who’s infinitely better matched to you.  The how is more about learning the lesson, so you can see it approaching if it happens again.  For example, was it the limited time you both made for each other, one of you making the children a priority over the marriage, or the decline in sexual interest from one of you?

Don’t be fooled into thinking unreturned care and love lives only in the domain of singletons.  It can be found anywhere and we all need to be vigilant about the possibility of it knocking on our door. You may even seek Dating Agency & Matchmakers services to find your partner for life.  

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5 Rules for Making up after an Argument

Arguing, disagreeing, bickering, whatever you want to call it, happens in all relationships. It’s easy to do, easy to say the wrong thing without thinking, easy to half deal with issues or to sweep them under the carpet.  However you both choose to tackle your own unique blend of communication, one thing for sure is that once in a while you’ll need to call a truce and make up. To help you along, we’ve put together a list of the best ways to do just exactly that.

Hearing and Listening It’s essential that you learn the difference between these two states, as it will be an asset not only for your relationship, but for every other area of your life.  When we’re in the middle of a heated debate with someone, our defences can go up and our ears somehow take on a mind of their own.  We hear what we want to hear by putting whatever they’re saying through an emotional filter of the relationship, or our own personal history.  You must learn to recognise and limit this reaction.

One way to do this is to stop waiting for your turn to speak, or trying to come up with ways to outwit or use superior logic on your partner.  Just take a mental step back and listen to what they’re actually saying.  What sort of language are they using, are they talking about their thoughts or their feelings, are they commenting on your entire personality, or how you behave in particular situations.  Let your guard down, this is love not war, and be very clear about what you’re really discussing.  Focus on fixing that.

Say Sorry When You Mean It Even though it may seem less hassle and quicker, don’t make the mistake of apologising for things that you’re not truly sorry for just to make your partner feel better.  This is a false economy that needs to be stamped out.  

If you apologise for actions that you have no remorse over, it can be easy to repeat them because there’s little connection to why they were deemed wrong in the first place.  False apologies also leave little room for discussion and therefore even less scope for your partner to understand where it is you’re coming from.  For this reason, own up to your wrongdoings, but try to stand firm in your honesty when saying sorry.

Keep It Private One of the most questionable decisions you can make is to allow multiple people into either your original argument or the making up process you’re going through. Partners don’t need to be reminded of their mistakes by in-laws or your best friends.  They also don’t need it explained just how lucky they are to have you, or how understanding and patient you’ve been.  

Making up is about you, and your feelings for and between each other.  Anyone who has input into your difficult moments should be politely reminded where the boundaries lie.

Do Have A Ritual This is perhaps more for those couples who don’t argue often, but when you do it’s big and it’s serious.  It can be useful to have a special, specific activity that you both engage in after an argument like this, or even during, in order to help realign with each other as solidly as you were before.  It might be spending a night outside of your regular environment, driving to the beach, taking a day off work to walk in your favourite park, or simply having some sofa time together.  Whatever it is, and whether you call it regrouping, re-centring or realigning your love, ensure you recognise when it’s necessary, that you do it when you both feel the need and that you’re clear about its purpose.

We spend too much of our lives holding on to the past and things that can’t be changed.  Making up after an argument with a clear heart will always serve you and your relationship best in the long run. If there’s something you can’t let go, discuss it and work on it until you can.  Learning to let go is the relationship gift that keeps on giving. 

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