berrywafflecone

[berrywafflecone]

hello, are you there?

until you and i fall asleep

i'll keep our hands interlinked

until our fingers turn blue

because i am destined to be with you

i've never felt this connected

with another soul

this deeply before

and i don't think i could ever

let go of the person i am now,

with the person you are now

i miss you i miss you i miss you

[berrywafflecone]

carry me

when you can't go on

and the weight feels too heavy

just reach out with your hand

and i will return the embrace

it will be better soon

some day it will

more than you hoped for

or not at all

even if the skies are grey

i promise to be that light

that trickles through the trees

peeking from the clouds above

and i will say my prayers

will you be waiting there?

i'm flying from the cosmos

breaking the layers in the

atmosphere

spiraling

down

into the earth

and i will look for you as i fall

and then i say my prayers

will you be waiting there?

[berrywafflecone]

writhe and seethe

it seeps from my pores

from sweat to blood

but i cannot get clean

and i cannot make it stop

it drips from my mouth

from saliva to blood

but i cannot feel it

and i cannot make it stop

its making a serrated path

down my throat and

its intentions are clear

its too late to cough it back up

i still continue to swallow

each piece of the razors

given to me with the words

that shouldn't have come out from my mouth

so i eat them

until the pool of bile

fills my stomach

runs up my throat

and back out again

and i cannot make it stop

[berrywafflecone]

around my throat

you reach your hand out to me, the collar of your sleeve loose and begging.

you shake your arm, palm down, fingers wiggle.

you're staring down at me, a look on your face for assistance,

"care to help?"

with a sharp inhale i am

reaching with both hands to the fabric, careful and slow to perfect a rolled up sleeve to the crease of the elbow.

"thanks," the end of a cigarette in your mouth, tempting me.

i am quick to twist your open palm up this time with both my hands around your wrist

your hand is outstretched toward my face

but lowering

it to grip my

neck

ever so carefully

you are squeezing the sides of my neck with your fingers

hand brushed against my throat

it took you a second to connect

but the look on my face was a

of plea.

[berrywafflecone]

care to c hope

i know im dead inside

reminded all the time

the look of your eyes

is enough words

for both of us

it's not enough to notice

how much it kills me inside

i feel close but

i feel not enough

for you

just knowing it might be me

[berrywafflecone]

stuck here

tell me what's it like

being stuck in the same room

you were born in, raised in,

left and back again

reliving it

over

and over

it's a little too much

i'm staring up at the ceiling

sinking further into my bed

and like the weight of an anchor

dragging me below

i'm suffocated under blankets

choking back tears

chocking back the sins in my stomach

the acid building up until i

break from the inside

i'm sick

and i'll probably die here

[berrywafflecone]

internally screaming the secrets i can’t keep

[berrywafflecone]

mold

body decay, bones turned to dust

i can feel the last exhale before it goes dark

it itches at my throat

no matter how much i claw

it bleeds and leaves marks

and slowly my neck turns black

it’s neither soot or ash,

but scratching it off just causes it to grow back, but now i’m

bleeding through the rash

it gnaws a sit sinks its teeth into me

my fingers grow numb

i feel like a shadow

sinking into myself

until i am not aware

i try to wash it clean,

the water starts to scald

but it continues to spread

until it swallowed me whole

wipe it clean wipe it clean wipe it clean

it won’t come off

[berrywafflecone]

feed

it hurts but i can almost taste it

sweet juices, sweet release but bitter to its center.

once my jaw clenches,

i can feel the wet drip down my chin.

my hands shake but my mouth waters with each bite.

feral within this body,

i continue to tear and chew

until flesh puddles underneath me,

like a human nest.

i can’t stop.

my teeth sinking into each morsel

makes me want to keep consuming

even though it makes me sick to my stomach

my heart begins to sink from the thought, but i continue piece by piece.

isn’t that what you asked of me?

when you said you wanted to be inside me,

is this not what you pictured?

[berrywafflecone]

hazy

it’s dark here

even with my flashlight on,

i can’t see my feet below me

venom stings my eyes

no matter how hard i rub my eyelids

until i can hear my thoughts flutter

it’s sweet how i can taste it,

the iron blood in my mouth

and everything lucid in between

sick to my stomach

fingers down my throat

the heavy mass of my insides

keep pouring out,

and nothing can be undone

even if my intestines wrapped around my neck,

would the weight of myself

keep me unsteady?

[berrywafflecone]

ache

it’s stuck in the back of my throat,

but the coughing just ends up with blood on my hands.

it gets worse

it gets worse

it gets worse

it gets worse

i just need to be quiet

and maybe then it will stop

[berrywafflecone]

you & me

alone but never lonely,

but that sounds like a joke

i talk to myself in whispers

until the walls talk back

it’s hard to see through the fog,

and rubbing my eyes shut

does nothing to help

i want to see the other side

i want to connect with you

the voice i hear sounds like me

and so i try to claw through

glass continues to crack,

but i start to pick and bleed

until my fingers numb, with red

stained fingernails

but i only see the other me.

the other side of the mirror.

it’s just me in here, isn’t it?

[berrywafflecone]

hunger

the pit in my stomach keeps growing

and salt in my wound stays open

its burn keeps me awake

but i cannot stop eating

my former self

eating myself from the inside out

with this parasite that won’t go away

not until i’m skin and bones

my stomach feels full

until i empty it back out

to start over

[berrywafflecone]

worry worry worry

eyes wet, red in the face

feeling everything at once

but sometimes nothing at all

it’s crawling from the walls

and leeching to my back

i’m stuck here

feeling empty,

but feeling full

[berrywafflecone]

broken bone

grinding my teeth

the taste of asphalt in my mouth

the soreness in my gums

bleeding til my teeth fall out

does it sting?

does it hurt?

the feeling of being alive,

does it not hurt?

[berrywafflecone]

do you feel the same?

[berrywafflecone]

i have never felt a parents’ love

for those who seek comfort

for those who are lost

for those who need help

you are not alone

what is it like?

to receive love from a parent?

i could imagine it means taking care of the child in ways you weren’t treated when you were one

whether it’s helping your child blow out their first birthday candle

watching your child take their first step, hear their first words, and soon you are making them lunches for school

helping them with homework

teaching them manners and to clean up after themselves with fun little music tunes

sometimes it’s being there for them for their first boo-boo,

being there for their first sports game

or a school play,

maybe band or orchestra.

bc they rely on you to be there

isn’t that your purpose? to see them grow up to be the best person they can be?

a parents love — not tough love

an awful way to be taught about love

through hardships

but what about trauma?

discipline? rules? being disobeyed?

it could scar your child for life.

and you probably wouldn’t even acknowledge it.

“tough love”

why not unconditional love?

it’s fragile

how easily one awful thing could happen in your child’s life, and suddenly they see you differently

you first fight, their insults

belittling—

they won’t listen

they call you lazy

as if you haven’t been struggling with

suicidal ideation your entire life,

eating disorders,

self harm

assault

rape

they don’t understand

“what’s wrong with you?”

WHAT ISN’T WRONG WITH ME?

years pass

you get older and see things from a different perspective

was it love watching your parents argue every day? verbally? physically? the abuse starts small when you see it but you tell yourself “that’s just love” because that’s all you know

you keep going

your first failing grade. your first heart break. your first dance. graduating.

you keep getting told

“it gets better”

when?

it’s the constant

heart ache.

it’s hard to unsee it. the hate that’s more apparent then before. not just with your parents, but everyone around you shares the same hate

but shown in different ways

mental. emotional. physical. verbal.

all we ever wanted was love from our parents

but how can we ever look at them in the eye

if one day they just say,

“if i never got married or had kids, this wouldn’t have been my chosen life”

how are we supposed to go back from that?

i don’t think ive ever experienced a parents’ love

because my parents only knew hate

for each other

for relatives

for their own kids

how am i supposed to live in this type of world that’s so hateful that i can’t even rely on the two people who raised me?

what am i supposed to do?

does parenting just stop after a certain age? does the love just stop? what am i supposed to do? i needed a parent

but God gave me the two of you