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[berserker1945]

Another entry

It’s probably too soon for another entry when nothing important happened but it’s not like anyone cares. Well I’m just studying again today... and watching this series. It’s still hard for me to control myself with a schedule but I guess you could say I’m trying. 

[berserker1945]

Started working

Well I suppose I started actually working today. Did another one of those chem worksheets. Even though these are really simple and stuff I already know, I’m starting to remember why my grades were so good at school, I understood what they were talking about. Calc isn’t too tough either if I concentrate. I’m trying not to think about the future and the peaceful atmosphere thanksgiving break has is helping me with that. Maybe I should stop worrying so much. College isn’t too complicated if I do what I always do, understand the concept and complete the assignments. If there’s something that I don’t know and others do, avoid panicking and just learn. It is quite unfamiliar though to be in an environment where everyone’s smarter than me. Well maybe not everyone but at least my friends. I really hope I stay the same after the thanksgiving break though when classes start again.

Peace out!

[berserker1945]

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving break started. I made all these plans to study and I suppose to an extent I am studying. Completed this one worksheet today. Didn’t do much other than that coz I had to figure out the hot water situation at this place. I have two roommates for the break housing thingy. We didn’t talk much. Thanksgiving break feels so peaceful. I think I finally forgave my dad for all that he did. I’m alright now. I’ve been thinking about what I want to do and all and I honestly have no idea. I do know that I just wanna be peaceful, uncaring, and calm. While I am worried about not getting good job offers as others due to a lack of interest I have towards extracurriculars in academics, I believe I’ll be just fine. I just need to study hard in what I’m doing and take on an extracurricular or two by thinking of them as another class or something. Happy thanksgiving!

[berserker1945]

Entry one

Couldn’t really come up with a fancy title so entry one it is. I’ve got a shit ton of assignments today. Well that might be an exaggeration but I am so swamped today. I’m in college right now and the thanksgiving break is the only thing that lies between me and the last part of the semester, the last midterm exams and the finals. I’m barely keeping it together with all these assignments. Although I got good grades, I was very lazy during high school, studying only when my dad forced or pushed me to. Never paid any attention to the classes. It’s not like I can’t study. When pushed or when provided with an incentive, like getting into college, I can study well enough to rank first in my school. That holds no value when I’ve got no motivation to study for myself though. I have no interest or passion to do anything at all. I don’t wanna be stuck blaming my dad for my problems but sometimes, I can’t help but do so. I had to live exactly the way he wanted to, so much so that the only dream I had was to just do what I want and be myself. While my peers focused on pursuing their interests, I did what my dad wouldn’t want me to, like reading comics or novels in secret. Now that I am left to my own devices and I’m independent, I am so lost and confused. Everyone else here is motivated and knows what they want. They work for what they want to do. Anything I do though holds no meaning to me. 

Well coming back to my day, I’ve got a few more assignments to complete today. I’ve got a lab session tomorrow and there’s this girl I wanted to talk to. Thanksgiving break starts tomorrow so if she has plans on visiting her family or something and needs to catch a bus, any conversation I try to make would be annoying. I hope that does not happen. Unfortunately, the lab session tomorrow is known to be a long one so it’s gonna be tougher to complete the experiment fast and then talk to her. I hope she doesn’t find me annoying and feel uncomfortable.

[berserker1945]

New Diary

I suppose I’m gonna be using this as my personal diary from now. To my non-existent imaginary descendants here for my will, I give you my personal diary from the lost depths of the internet... and one cent.

[berserker1945]

Confused... just like everyone else

So I guess I’m here to vent. I’m confused. I always loved science and was fascinated by it. I thought that was what I was meant to be, an academic, an intellectual. I was the best at the sport I like at my club as well. Things were great.

But now, after the pandemic, I’m fat and not in great shape for my sport. The last competitions I went to made me realize how far behind others I was in it. Coming to academics, I never paid an ounce of attention to my report card or my grades until the eight grade. Sure I  knew a bit of science but I had no drive, no purpose, urging me to study and try be better at academics. I managed to get great AP scores, three 5s and an AP scholar certificate, and a great SAT score (1570), but guess what... I have piss poor memory. I can’t remember all my lessons from last year properly and I need to revise them and by-heart them thoroughly again. I kept convincing myself that I had a purpose by talking about how I was smart and how I had great critical thinking skills, but now it all seems like an illusion I was creating to convince myself. I’m not skilled at anything at all. I basically lived a controlled life till now by my parents monitoring me, so all I want is peace and freedom. I wanna get my own life away from them. But what next? Should I just remain a stagnating, dying, corpse with the bare minimum of consciousness to observe the world around me and just manage to earn a minimum wage... JUST LIKE HOW I WAS MY WHOLE LIFE? I feel trapped and agitated, and I am really, really confused. Do I even exist, like do I even have a presence?