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I thought the exact same thing when I saw it last night… 😂

Definitely getting a little giggle from this in the latest doctor who episode — @thedefinitivearticle @harrysquean

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Would call her a very gifted and well trained vocalist rather than an amazing singer.

Off topic but is Bjork an amazing singer or a bad singer with so much charisma and confidence that it works anyway?

I’ve been listening to her a lot lately and I can’t figure out which it is, lol

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Oh hey and yay! Good for you! 👏🏻

So excited for today!! ^_^

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Ok, I’ll bite. What’s happening today?

So excited for today!! ^_^

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Me, myself and her

So I haven’t posted anything in a while and even longer since I wrote something. I’ve been tired, you see. Some days like uncomfortably WTF-tired. But given my (over)analytical tendencies that are both a blessing and a curse I’ve also seen it fit to apparently exhaust myself further by spending energy on thinking about why I’m so tired.

And yes, it’s been winter, dark and cold, and vitamin D pills can only do so much to mitigate the lack of sunshine and fresh air. And work has been very stressful and exhausting and all of those things. But I’ve been through that before without becoming this tired. And I honestly feel extremely boring and like both a bad partner and a bad sub when I’m in this type of mood and I don’t like it or myself when I’m like this so I’ve been trying to really get to the bottom of it all and figure out what’s going on internally.

And I think I’ve reached a conclusion. I’m trying to juggle four different personas and it’s fucking exhausting. When I say personas I’m not talking split personalities or anything like that but four different and rather distinct sides of me. They’re all very much me, just different versions of me.

First off, we have the work-me. He has quite a bit of responsibility at work and people look to him for guidance, decisions, clarity, strategy and numbers. I don’t mind that at all but he also has to be in a rather specific mindset while working and my brain is working hard every day, even more so lately, to stay on top of his shit and really be a good leader that people can rely on. And yes, it’s sometimes difficult to turn him off after I’ve closed the laptop. 

Secondly, we have boyfriend-me. He’s quite compatible with work-me so transitioning between those two isn’t very difficult. I like to think he’s a nice guy - reliable, supportive, good listener, likes to joke. He’s someone who’s still in control of what’s going on and you can lean on him and he’s always ready for a snuggle or a hug and a kiss. Just a softer version of work-me in a way.

The third persona is sub-me. Now, sub-me, well, he’s a good boy. He does what he’s told and does it as best as he can but in comparison to boyfriend-me, he doesn’t take a lot of initative. He waits to be told what to do. Now sub-me isn’t very compatible with work-me so when I’ve had problems letting go of work-me I find it challenging to step into sub-me. I still do what I’m told and I try my best to be good and submissive but on the inside I can feel conflict between the two and that conflict is an energy thief because it makes me feel guilty and ”wrong” as well.

Now none of those three are actually very sexual beings and sub-me isn’t always very kinky either.  He just likes to let go of active responsibility, just focusing on the present and just doing what he’s told without having to think too much about it. I suppose he’s more of a ”simple” service sub. But that leads us to the third persona.

Say hello to slut-me. And now things get a little weird because I’m going to refer to slut-me as her or she. I don’t really know why, it’s not a trans thing or a cross dressing thing or anything like that, but for some reason when I think of that side of me, it feels like a she more than a he. Slut-me can be described as the rawest, in some ways truest, version of me I suppose. Everything else is stripped back and she is a very simple-minded, horny, squirmy, pathetic mess who you wouldn’t trust with any sort of decision making. She’s the one who’s into all the kinky, humiliating, depraved shit. And she’s constantly in my brain, like every waking moment she’s there. But the other three find her embarrassing and don’t want to let her out. The other three, even sub-me, has some pride, self respect and think of themselves as respectable individuals. They don’t want to be associated with someone who has none of that and wants none of that. 

So this is what I’m dealing with inside of my head, every day. I’m trying to juggle and move between them and I think it’s wearing me down a bit because it’s draining to try to seamlessly transition between them. And at the same time there’s conflict between them which is honestly fucking exhausting to try to manage. I think it’s gotten more challenging since moving in together with Madame. Not Her fault at all but when I was living alone it was less tiring to manage in shorter periods of time when we were together and then sort of just be one at the time when I was on my own, depending on just my own mood. Now I feel pressure to be any of them at any time regardless of where my head is at the moment. And just to be clear, I want Her to be able to expect that from me. This is not me complaining, just me coming to clearer terms with my inner workings and writing it down. I know that She wants to see a lot more of slut-me and I want to show Her that, I feel that pressure every day, I feel guilty and bad about it every day. But it’s also difficult when, on most days, at the same time I also have to be work-me because I have to work, I have to be boyfriend-me because of course She deserves that support and to have someone to lean on and to hold Her and I also have to be sub-me because he cooks and takes care of the dishes and cuts Her nails and brings Her hot chocolate. I honestly wouldn’t trust slut-me with kitchen appliances, nail clippers or hot beverages. And I also know that when she’s been out for longer periods of time I end up don’t eating and not sleeping enough because she can’t focus on what I should be doing instead of just fueling the depravity-fire. 

Now this (very long) writing is unfortunately deprived of a good ending. There’s no solution here. I don’t know. I’ve thought about how I can be better at getting work-me to actually go to sleep when I’m done with work, how I can make it less taxing to transition between them, how I can get the others to STFU, stop being prudes, and let slut-me out more often. I do miss her every time she’s been out and one of the others have come back to take over again. The war stops whenever she’s actually front and center. She just doesn’t care about the others. I’ve thought about if and how I could merge them more. Could slut-me be trained to perform tasks and chores? Could boyfriend-me become more submissive or sub-me either a bit more independent or a bit more depraved? Here and now I don’t know. I just know I really don’t like being so tired all the time and I have to find ways to spend my energy externally where it belongs (and where Madame deserves to have it), rather than draining it all before it’s even left my head.

I can’t shake this feeling that even in a subculture of people that are considered weird by the people on the outside, I’m still kind of weird as fuck…like why do I have to be so fucking complicated?

And just for the record - while this is perhaps somewhat depressing, I’m not depressed. I’m fine. I’m tired and tired of being tired but not depressed or burnt-out-hit-the-wall-tired. So no need for any concern of that sort.

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If you want to keep someone restrained in bondage for a long time, those leather lockable cuffs are perfect. Without having to worry that the person hurting themselves on the restrains during their escape attempt.

Those leather cuffs keep them locked and won’t they hurt themselves as they slowly realize that they can’t escape from it, without the keys…

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Same here. And Merry Christmas! 🎅🏻

Hope @harrysquean and @thedefinitivearticle are okay, haven't heard from them lately, and they were im my thoughts the past few days. (Also hope Harry is doing okay too!)

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