bethanyalicepegler-blog

[bethanyalicepegler-blog]

be so completely yourself that everyone else feels safe to be themselves too

wake up every morning and tell yourself that you're a badass bitch from hell and no one can fuck with you and then dont let anyone fuck with you

I like who I'm becoming. a lot. becoming the person I always shoulda been. choose the person you are becoming over everything

if you lost someone but found yourself, you won

girls are magic

i'll be better than who I was yesterday

you have something within you that the world fucking needs

you are a magnet, if its in your mind it will be in your reality

your future self is watching you right now through your memories

the best is yet to come

there was nothing wrong with you to begin with

we wont be distracted by comparison if we are captivated with purpose love yourself through owning your story

the only escape is change 

get comfortable with being a creator, its the only thing you'l ever truly be

run from what is comfortable

destroy your reputation, be notorious

you will never influence the world by trying to be like it

her legacy was that she loved with all she had whether you deserved it or not

building an empire

you repeat what you dont repair

you were meant to be lost and unlost, over and over again. relax love, you were meant to be this glorious, epic story

he offered her the world. she said she had her own

every once in a while you get a glimpse of the person you could be. grab that, hold on to it, work for it. 

whatever makes you weird or different, trust me, thats your strength

do more things that make you forget to check your phone

i am an amalgamation of every girl I ever thought was cool

surround yourself with those who feel the greatness within you

make sure you turn heads

when you start seeing your worth, you'll find it hard to stay around people who dont

plan to outdo your past, not other people

trust your gut

keep your thoughts postitive because your thoughts become your words and your words become your behaviours

powerful women empower women

own what owns you

today is not your day to give up

may all your vibes say "i got this"

give up the idea that happiness is elsewhere

go out into the world and fuck shit up beautifully

if you're going to be weird, be confident about it

take up more space

your perception of me is a reflection of you

you inspire people who pretend to not even see you

you feel pain inside because you are transforming

your fear of looking stupid is holding you back

I will not let anyone scare me out of my full potential

hating your body will never get you as far as loving it will

imagine if we obsessed about the things we loved about ourselves

[bethanyalicepegler-blog]

THE 100 DAY PROJECT INSPO

[bethanyalicepegler-blog]

A wonderfully insane weekend

On Friday night, TJ picked me up from work and drove me back to Brighton. We watched IT at the cinema in Worthing and went back to his flat to drink vodka lemonades and dance to soul music before we went to bed.

The next day we woke up early and went for a walk at south downs.

Before heading back to Bracknell to go bowling with my brothers, and then take Georgie to a gig.

The gig was rad fun, all bands rocked it and I got more vodka drunk than I have been in a long time.

The next morning was met with a dry mouth and a heavy head, and after walking Sidney up at the forest, me and TJ went shopping in town with my parents.

The weekend finished in essex with TJs parents, who we walked with, ate with and drank with, until we were all merry and happy and tired.

Life sure is exciting these days.

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WHAT AM I DOING

So, as I type, I am sat on a train between Bracknell and Clapham junction, and I appear to have run away.

Today has been intense. It started off with a lot of horrible messages from somebody I once cared dearly about, calling me all of the names under the sun. The afternoon consisted of me working out I do not have enough money now that I have quit one of my jobs, and also a horrible conversation about whether or not I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. And stressing about college work, I mean that speaks volumes for itself.

So I sit on the bus for an hour and a half and I get home and I stay home for half an hour before deciding to go to Brighton.

This is so dumb. I have college tomorrow, which I'm already super behind on and cannot motivate myself with, I can't afford to spend a random £30 on spontaneous train tickets when I'm already stressing about money and what is the point on spending hours on trains just to sleep somewhere else?

I don't know. I really don't fucking know. All I know is that I did it, and I wanted to do it, and I don't regret it. When have I ever done anything this spontaneous? Or just bought train tickets just because I fucking wanted to? It's mad and it's scary but it's also so exciting. What is the point in having money if I can't just spend it on something I want like this. It might not be the best move, but in two hours I'm going to be on a windy stoney beach, looking out at the sea, in the arms of my love.

[bethanyalicepegler-blog]

Diet Culture

One of the biggest epiphanies that I have had in my recovery process so far is realising how full of bullshit the diet industry is. We’re so heavily brainwashed that we live in a world where we’re praised for submitting to self hatred rather than fighting for self love. There is a difference between living a healthy lifestyle and following diet culture, diet culture focuses on a certain image, and focusing on this impossible image convinces you that you arent good enough, and the diet industry makes money from selling you bullshit ways of achieving the ‘perfect’ body. 

For me, and for so many others, a diet turned into an eating disorder, and to be honest there was nothing wrong with my body in the first place. I was healthy, I was active, I felt good on the inside, but I was convinced that because I wasnt a size 8, I wasnt perfect. Diet culture made me feel completely worthess due to the size of my body, and its time to recognise and reject it. Its time to listen to my body and love it, give it what it needs, whatever size it may be. 

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YELLOW IS MY FAVOURITE RIGHT NOW 

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Oversharing

In response to Dodie: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5flD8RcsZtY&t=405s

And Melanie: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZwpN7BPzY4

Personally, to an extent, I found Dodies oversharing about her mental health helpful, but also found it triggering in the way that what she was posting seemed to romanticise her mental illness, although I am full aware that this was not intentional!

I feel a huge desire to share my mental health struggles, like dodie I find it hugely therapeutic to tell the world how and why I’m feeling low and how the demons of my brain manifest themselves, but I know that I have to hold back when I’m wading through the worst of it. For one thing, I’m aware of the fact I could be dangerously triggering. If I’m posting pictures of my size 8 self and telling the world about how I’m scared to eat dinner or I’ve thrown up everything I’ve eaten today because I’m gong out for dinner tonight and dont know how many calories I’ll eat there, or just that I absolutely hate my body, yes there will be people who are collected and sympathetic and know what to say to make me feel better, but there will also be people who are insecure and struggling and not quite strong enough who will use my posts as inspiration for their self hatred. There are also people that I know I would feel uncomfortable with having those details about me, people who are full of ignorance and spite. 

I know that I can post about these bad times with rational hindsight, however. “I felt like this at the time, but now I know that I was sick, and it was not accurate. *positive message.*” I know that I’ve been helped massively by people sharing their own stories and sharing how they come through them, but I know that I would find it triggering watching someone still in the clutches of the illness. 

There is a line between turning sadness into art and just romanticising the sadness, and that is a really difficult line to work out, especially when your vision is blurred by your brain.We’re all still learning how to work this internet thing, and I for one really admire dodie for being so open and honest about how she feels and how shes coping. I’ve loved her for the past four years and her sharing her struggles has helped me to be more comfortable talking about my own. 

heres me and my fav lil listener <3

[bethanyalicepegler-blog]

To the Bone

To the bone is a new netflix movie depicting Ellens struggle with anorexia. Ellen is shown to be clearly very thin, ill and frail and throughout the course of the film she battles the mental illness. I cant give much more of a summary than that because I havent watched it, as I know that I would find it way too triggering. 

Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes, and putting out a film like this is giving anorexia a face, an image, and a recognisable one at that. To the bone plays up to the stereotypical perception of how an anorexic girl should look, and in a more damaging light, gives sufferers in the clutches of the illness comething to aspire to. 

Anorexia is a very competitive illness. It always wants you to be better than you were yesterday, better than the girl next to you, better than the girl on the screen. The most controlled, the thinnest. The dangers of this film showing someone so obviously ill is that it is giving anorexic girls something to compete with and fuelling the people who will look at someone who doesn't look like Ellen and say, “You arent thin enough to have an eating disorder.” 

I repeat myself, eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes. There are eating disorders that look like Ellens, an To the Bone will do well to raise awareness in general about eating disorders and how badly they can manifest themselves in peoples lives. It would be nice, however, if we saw some other representation of eating disorders in the public eye, so that we can begin to remove the widespread idea that your size determines how sick you are. 

If you are in recovery, then please please PLEASE be wise and dont watch To the Bone, as by the looks of it, it will be incredibly triggering. I have mixed views on it, obviously, but just do what is going to be best for your own wellbeing. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=705yRfs6Dbs

[bethanyalicepegler-blog]

Lauren

So earlier this year, one of my best friends left to go travelling. I wrote this letter to her

Hey crazy girl, I cannot BELIEVE that you are actually leaving! It has been an absolute pleasure growing up with you for the past 15 years and being one of your friends is constantly providing me with unforgettable experiences.

 We've gone from watching Angus thongs and perfect snogging on repeat, dancing in shows and asking boys out for each other, to pouring broken glass and rosè out of handbags, screaming the words to priorities watching don broco and getting lairy with purple turtle bouncers.

 I'm gonna miss having a little firecracker psycho drama queen to be by my side in all my conflicts and I just want you to know how eternally grateful I am that you've always stood by me. However far you go you'll always be one of the Bracknell girls, but I'm so excited that you're gonna be having this amazing adventure! I will miss you so so so much but Already looking forward to hearing about it, just make sure you don't fuckin get married without me there yh 💁 try not to forget about us in lil ol' brackers and I'll see you when me and maf have the money to come visit 😉 look after yourself chicken, stay safe and have the best time 😉

[bethanyalicepegler-blog]

A letter to my body

A letter to my body:

Hello friend I just wanted to say that I’m really really sorry. The past five and a half years I have not been good to you. I have starved you to the point of fainting, I have shoved my fingers so far down your throat that the food I just gave you clawed it’s way back up, I have exercised you brutally without giving you any water in the hopes that you’ll weigh less when I step on the scales after, I made you too weak to carry on running, netball and dancing, and worst of all, every single day I told you that you were not good enough, based on the number I saw between my feet and the comparison I made between you and other people’s. There have been days where the only calories I would give you were alcohol and days where I would give you no fuel at all, basing my entire value on how much of you there was.

I don’t want to play the blame game too much but ultimately, this isn’t my fault. I live in a world where I am made to feel that I have no control over anything around me and a world where diet culture pushes that I’ll be more important and valuable and successful if I am as small as possible. The fact is, this is a lie. The size of you is no measure of me as a person.

I’m sorry that I believed the money making lie for so long, and recently I have learnt some things. You are not supposed to weigh less than 9st5. When I keep you at that level I am constantly starving, cold, irritable and exhausted. You do so much for me, you are the vessel for all of the wonderful things in my brain, allowing me to do all the things my wonderful brain wants me to do. You have deserved so much better treatment considering how good of a job you actually do.

This letter is my promise that I am going to do my best to escape the grasp of anorexia. Here I am a healthy 9st7, size 8/10, and I am going to do my best to get better and love you the way you should be loved. I will fuel you adequately, remind you that you are wonderful, let you rest when you need it and stop poisoning you so drastically. At least, I will try.

Lots of love, from Beth xxx

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Empowerment

I wanted to write a little bit about how I feel about the term ‘empowerment.’

Empowerment means something different to everyone, and how you interpret it is your own business and nobody elses. 

My body is my business, and I feel empowered by sharing it. Personally I wouldnt post pictures of myself naked but certainly feel good about showing off the shape and form of my body with implied nudity. Some people find power in sharing their naked bodies and and some find power in keeping it all to themselves with modesty. Empowerment comes from making the decision of what you want to do with your body, and there shouldn't be any pressure involved when it comes to how much or how little of it you can share with the world. 

I’m the first to admit that I’m not the best with boundaries. I’m used to walking around backstage at dance shows and fashion shows half naked, and while in manchester had to be reminded by my boyfriend that it was polite while in someone elses house to not be walking around in my underwear. I may feel comfortable sat in the middle of the street in a bikini but this doesnt make me any less or any more than any other woman. Do what you feel comfortable with, and find power in it.  

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Cruelty Free Makeup

It has taken me way too long to do this, but I’ve finally started researching into cruelty free makeup. A college friend told me that Rimmel was cruelty free so I’ve been buying that for the past few months, only just looking and realising that it definitely isn't. 

So as my Rimmel’s are running out, I’m rebuying in cruelty free. Luckily my favourite hair dyes, manic panic and bleach london, already have the vegan and cruelty free stamp, and I’ve just replaced my concealer with a concealer and concealing stick from MUA, which work so well for the insanely good prices. 

It goes without saying why it is so important to buy cruelty free. End animal testing forever. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4K9iSyj_lk

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Mental Health Journal

So a little while ago I got discharged from my favourite therapist that I’ve ever had. Annie was only a few years older than me, so pretty, funny, clever, also bisexual and so relatable that she was so easy to talk to. I tend to have issues with authority figures, and when therapists are over 35 they just remind me of teachers and I really struggle to open up to them, but the reality of it was that I didnt need to see Annie anymore, and its time for me to go to the next stage. 

I’m on a waiting list for another group, but I knew that I wanted to keep the momentum. I’m not better yet and I dont want my mental health to rocket downwards while I’m rotting away on a waiting list. 

I’m trying a mental health journal. I got a new academic diary and as many days as I can am going to fill in how my brain is feeling and how i feel abut my body, and what is happening in relation to that to maybe make me feel like that. I’ll put in my triggers and reactions and use it to try and suss out any patterns, helping me on my journey to the root of my problems and then more importantly leading me to my solutions. 

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Instax mini 9

So, this summer instax were working with a few bloggers to give away some of their new mini 9 polaroid cameras for festival season, and I happened to win one from Leanne Lim Walker.

It arrived just after I left for Boomtown and is absolutely fucking beautiful, cant get over how much I love the colour. 

Anyone who knows me knows how obsessed I am with documenting my life physically, buying postcards from everywhere that I go, keeping gig tickets, decorating everything with photographs. Theres something special about a polaroid. No do overs, printed right in the moment. 

Thankyou Leanne and instax for my rad new camera

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Manchester Pride

I’ve always wanted to go to pride, and this year I just happened to be visiting friends in manchester on pride weekend. 

Watching people dress up and dance  and sing to the fact that their love is beautiful and that they are free to be themselves, acknowledging history and celebrating the way that they feel just stimulated infectious happiness.

Ever since I can remember being attracted to boys, I’ve been attracted to girls in the same way, and have identified my sexuality as bisexual since I was 15. Pride is an example of how to show people that it is completely ok to be who you are and express it to the world. 

Never let anyone tell you otherwise.

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BOOMTOWN 2017

Boomtown is hands down the most surreal festival that I’ve ever been to. It is complete escapism, with the city split into uptown and downtown and so many different genres of music bought into their own areas, me spending the majority of my time in chinatown and trenchtown, for the ska punk and reggae. 

This year I camped with three girls, Amy, Weaver and Ellie, and I donned out camp ‘Girl Camp.’ Due to how I normally camp with such a big group of predominantly boys, I knew that this was going to be a different vibe.

These girls absolutely made it. We banded together, had each others backs, looked out for each other and got drunk as skunks together. I’m so proud of the bond that we made while we were there and I’ll never ever forget Boomtown 2017 because of these angels. 

The highlight of my weekend was the friday night however, hanging out with the ska punk dudes plus Amy until three in the morning in chinatown, making friends and watching the meow meows.

I had an incredible time, thanks girls 

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REBELLION 2017

So this year, I went to the biggest punk festival in the country, on my own. 

To be honest I was completely terrified, who wouldnt be? I was supposed to be going with a friend who bailed pretty last minute, and though I travelled up with his mates and I was aware f a lot of people who would be there, I was still going on my own. 

So I drove the 6/7 hours up in the car with my newfound friends for them to drop me off at my BnB, the tulip.

I met up with them again and immediately started getting myself slaughtered. The first two bands that I happened to want to see were that early evening and clashed, so I saw half of the barstool preachers outside at the casbah and half of skurvi in the pavilion. 

That night I saw bands, met old friends, mae some new ones, and got on stage with menace which resulted in my making my way over to the orbiston for an after party which lasted until 7am.

That was the night that I lost my house keys letting people use my bottle opener. Oops. 

The next day I made friends with bands, managed to sneak backstage, started drinking later and had an amazing time again. I tried to get myself an early night, and when I checked the time had managed to stay up until 4am without realising. I left my new friends to get some sleep at half five.

The Saturday was possibly my favourite day. It began with some bingo, followed by beers on the beach, followed by hanging out with so many friends new and old, and drinking far into the early morning again. 

Sunday I could barely stand. I saw some brilliant bands, including faintest idea and millie manders & the shutup, but had to call it a night before we even got to midnight. 

I had an insane time at rebellion, made even better by how I realised how much real life at home was stressing me out. At rebellion I felt happier than I had for months, free from responsibilities and schedules and fatigue. It was there that I decided that as soon as I got home, I was going to start changing everything for the better. I was going to remove the things from my life that no longer made me happy and keep things that did, I was going to make decisions that were going to make me happy now and not just keep things sensible in the long run. 

Going to rebellion on my own made me realise that I am so much more capable than I ever imagined. It showed me that I am strong and brave and fierce and I can do anything that I want all by myself. 

Thanks for an amazing time rebellion <3