bethcoogan

[bethcoogan]

Resilience and Hope

Hope fills people with resilence in the darkest of situations. My mom is an avid reader of biographies and there is a good chance that during a heart to heart with her, she will remind you of somone's story, how they overcame something extraordinary and that because they overcame such an obstacle, you can overcome what you are facing too.

Human resilence was something this white, suberban, american girl, growing up in the North Carolina triangle was told about over and over again, which might seem ironic. But, as J.K. Rowling pointed out in her speech at Harvard, these types of things don't exclude struggle from your life. I often feel guilty about struggling at all, because I have been so blessed, and it seems spoiled and ungrateful to be anything else but put together. I can't blame my problems on unloving parents, horrible friends, and complete lack of academic resources. However, I do know what it is like to have had job I didn't like and to look at the clock and think "You can do anything for an hour" or "You can do anything for another 10 minutes."

When I mentioned that I was having a hard time recently, a friend sent me the saying above, which described that day way too accurately. Becoming an adult has been a way messier process than I thought it would be, and if anyone else feels like there are too many circuits running through your brain at once or that they are really losing it this time, know you are not alone.

Hugs and Lightbugs

Beth C.

P.s. I do not own the photo above

[bethcoogan]

I am looking out my bedroom window from my loft bed, taking in the familier view. No mountains, oceans, or farmland, but what I do see is so much of what home has meant to me; trees. I see and hear birds, and the hum of insects is noticeably audible, and it can vary in how stunning it is, but the light going through the diffrent leaves as they dance up and down is one of the most beautiful things in the world.

Blue sky today. I love blue skies.

Today, I am going to throw my stuff in a couple bags and my wellworn beat up suitecase, and take off in it. I love how lift off is, my favorite part of the ride. That moment when I am trying to gage the exact moment of when the plane has actually left the ground, and grab the glimpse out the window of how high I am before that realization becomes unreal as I look at what looks like a patchwork quilt below.

The last couple years, I have made progress in accepting change, and even learning how to embrace it and create some of my own. But, if i got there, I got there figuratively kicking and screaming. I hated it as a kid. My tongue gets tied up, now, trying to identify "home" and learning that that word won't be the same.

"No time for second guessing..."

This is hard for me sometimes. But, I know who my people are to help me through it, and I will be fine.

"So if you care to find me, look to the western sky..."

'Til next time,

Beth C.

Note: the quotes are from the musical "Wicked" and the above picture is not mine.

[bethcoogan]

Image

Hello wonderfull peoples!

So, yes, I write a post about not being silent; and then I am silent for over a month. So it goes...(:

This is a screen shot my little bro took on my phone, with me posing in the hat I got him. And this is only one of several of these selfie binges you will find if you scroll through my picures.

Maybe I have a problem. Because I caught myself doing it again today. But, to be honest, it is one of the most exciting things about my phone, that it can take selfies, opposed to having to beg or ask friends if I want to take a selfie with them.

When I was in my late tweens early teens, I had a purple camera that I used ALL THE TIME on trips and I discoverd if I turned it around and looked in the right spot, I could get a pretty good selfie,so in the car on trips, you could find me leaning next to the window, posing for the camera.

But for me (and, if I am honest, probably a lot of people my age) we struggle with this. And it goes beyound pictures.

One very easy way I can point this out in my own life, is simply that people think I am younger than I am, and it bugs me... a lot more than it should.

I am so blessed to have a job this summer, but the first week or so of work, several people were commenting about how I don't look like I am in my twenties, or that I am a college student. I am ridiculously insecure about this, which is a step back for me; there was a point in highschool when I was very insecure about my looks, but mainly from simply looking in the mirror. No one had to tell me that I probably looked younger than I was, or that my acne was really bad. But, when I was reaching the end of highschool, becoming an adult, etc. that's when it seemed to me like others, not just myself, were paying attention. However, this might just show how I never actually got over it.

How put together you look and act, how much pop culture you know, how good you are at school, do you play a spot or have an advanced interst or hobby on the side...how well rounded and cool and successful you are, and how many (even if we telk ourselves the individual pieces, like, say, playing a sport or doing your makeup well don't matter that much) parts we got to make the whole, define what we may see as "success", "able", "mature".

I am not trying to bash anyone who does live up to these things. I am guilty of having done that, however. How people percieve you can becomes so inmportant to you, that you start to have discontment, jealousy, and bitterness, especially when I have seen others living up to their potential, and I can't seem to live up to mine. Sometimes people say " But so much has worked out, and you have come so far." But here is the dealo; that can often be just added pressure, feeling like you have all the pieces, but still can't pull it off. That is frustrating.

When I focus on myself when I interact and think about others, I become discontented with where God has brought me. I become embittered when I see others succeed at things at which I feel like I failed. I become jealous when others have friends, relationships, success, and popularity I don't have; this is where my desire to "perfect myself" becomes harmful.

I could go on about this subject and things related to it, but I figure I need to close it when it is at least somewhat coherent. (;

Hugs and Lightningbugs

Beth C.

[bethcoogan]

Before We Get Started... I remember sitting in an administration office, awkwardly answering an exentisive list of questions; I don't remember a lot of the conversation, but I do remember telling the counselor I wanted to start a blog. I did not end up attending that college, but in my freshman year attending another school, I took a class that required me to write a blog. "What's the point of commincating with somone not in the same room?" I have heard this question, and in this world full of social media, there is a cry for more face to face genuine interaction. But written commincation is something that has been around for a longtime, even if it seems very diffrent now.

There is also a personal risk to blogging; my dad once told me when I was younger not write anything that I wouldn't want the whole world to see. I grew up journaling, and have decided somone seeing what I wrote, though maybe it wasn't for their eyes, was a chance I was willing to take; the other didn't work as an option. There is a risk writers take sharing or creating work we might later regret; however, the other possiblity is one creative writers don't want to take, which is to hardly write at all, or miss out on something amazing.

But there is another, greater, risk, and that is, whether I write fiction or reality, specfic or abstract, I will be drawing on my life...and my relationships with others. I once asked my mom if she would be upset if I ever wrote something about her that wasn't postive; her response was basically that she hoped her "Skin wasn't that thick." I could run into this problem a lot of diffrent ways. However, I have started to seriously consider something; the more and more I allow other's to dictate what I can and cannot say, the more I am choosing to stop sharing my life, stories, and expriences. I still want to treat others with love and respect, and the more I write, hopefully what I share will become a more rounded picture, showing real people, opposed to just sharing the worst or diffcult parts. But, I choose the risk; because as an aspring writer, I do not want to lose my voice.

Beth C.

Note: the above picture belongs to me.