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bethygirl81-blog · 3 years

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WORTHLESS

Ever since I can remember, I have had people call me worthless... Or at least make me feel that way. When I was 23, I finally found someone who saw my potential and loved me for my flaws and especially my good qualities. Soon after I got married, we had two daughters, pretty close in age. Finally... The perfect family! I couldn't ask for more! I had a purpose: mom, wife, lover, bread-winner... Fast forward to 6 years after I said "I do" and my world came crashing down. He no longer wanted to be my husband. It was my fault, of course. I wasn't affectionate enough... I spent too much time on my phone... I was too dependent on my family. Back to feeling worthless... Was I that awful of a wife? That terrible of a mom? We never fought and just like that, he wanted out. Devastated doesn't even come close. I'd cry into my pillow at night, so my children couldn't hear me. I was worthless.

The following year, I met James. He made me feel special. He gave me back my worth! He encouraged me throughout school. He'd always challenge me at darts, chess, video games, because he knew I had the potential to kick his butt! (Which I did about half of the time 😉) We also challenged each other mentally. So many times I'd hear him say "google this" just so one of us can prove ourselves right! I finally found my person! The one who 100% got me!

Then, of course he got sick... Back to feeling worthless. I was a worthless girlfriend because I couldn't convince him to take his antibiotics or wear his abdominal binder. I was a worthless nurse, because I couldn't make him better. I was a worthless friend because I didn't make people go visit him when he was dying. I was a worthless mom for spending so much time at the hospital.

After James passed, I was numb. I hid so much of my pain from everyone, because I wanted to be the strong one. I didn't want to be that person that lets tragedy define them. I didn't want everyone else to know how worthless I was!

About 9 months later, I met someone else. Well, I had already known him, but he never talked to me much. He hated James. I'm pretty sure James wasn't too fond of him, either. Actually, I know what James thought of him 🤫... Anyway, he started talking to me. Started listening to what I had to say. Told me how great of a person I was. How amazing of a mom I was. I was so happy... I felt my heart start to beat again. I thought I was finally ready to open up my closed-off heart. I started to see his worth, too. About three months later, he decided I was worthless. Rude comments, dirty looks... I really did feel worthless again. I didn't even do anything and this person decided I was not worth their time. Not worth an explanation. I was devastated again!

Luckily, that feeling didn't last long!

I remember some advice James gave me a few years ago, and I realized my worth!

I'm not a worthless mom: I may not be the best mom, but I'm a pretty damn good one!

I'm not a worthless friend: I might not hang out with you all of the time, but I will keep your secrets safe!

I'm not a worthless woman: Im not a perfect 10, but I won't lie to you and I will love you completely!

I may be single for the rest of my life, which is completely okay... My new goal in life is to make sure each and every one of my family and friends knows their worth!

YOU are NOT worthless!

I am NOT worthless!

Don't let anybody tell you otherwise!!! ❤️

If anyone ever makes you feel worthless or unloveable, come to me!!! I've got so much love in my heart that I just can't contain it!!!

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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