better-every-day

[better-every-day]

Only up is left

I’ve never felt more worthless than I do right now. Knowing you’ve wasted 3 years of someones life when to you, it was the best 3 years you’ve ever had. How could I have been so off? I was blinded by ego, old friends, and this innate feeling to always be right. Because being right is all I have. I don't feel pretty, I’ve never felt that smart (or at last the people around me never made me feel like it). But its my job to make me feel those things. I need to see the world with the glass half full and that's been the hardest thing to change. Maybe it was being raised mostly by my mom and her undeniable bitterness to the world that things didn't turn out they way she wanted. Looking back, she probably never reflected on why those things happened and always played the victim. Hence where I started from. My friends didn't help. Its time to let them go. No one brought me up. That was up to me and even I couldn't do that. I learned to live in a dark place where the only light was the small moment of being “right” and feeling powerful. I want to be bright. I want to see the glass half full. I'm struggling with how to do that. I don't even know where to start and that's the hardest part. Asking for help is hard too. I don't want to be the weak link in the relationship. I want to be vulnerable but also help my partner stand tall so we can do that together. I'm more lost than I’ve ever felt. Alienating the people that i’ve relied on for my identity my whole life will be the most powerful and therapeutic thing i’ve ever had to do. I lost the only person who has helped see my true potential, only to lead me to this dark place of not knowing who I really am. I have no identity. I have things I don't want to be but don't have things I DO want to be. Why is it always so negative. I want to change. I need to change. I’ve already lost everything so what is there now to do other than grow. This is it, grow or die. 

[better-every-day]

Turning Dark to Light

Tonight was nothing i’d ever experienced. I watched a girl almost die. Get brutally slammed by a pickup truck while she was crossing the road on a scooter. She had to be dead. Her body was limp, her eyes half open. We saw it coming too, we saw everything. All the events unfold. I don't feel the need to recap everything, just to be known that the girls name was Roxy, and she is going to be okay.

I’ve never witnessed a near death experience of someone before. We didn't know if she was dead or alive, just that she needed help. Boson and I watched the madness unfold as we sat in our car waiting for our turn. It was a nice Thursday for us, we had just stopped for tacos and taken a few extra turns because we missed our road. I was showing him a necklace I just bought. Those extra turn led us to something we will both never forget.

We saw her fly through the air. We heard the metal crack her bones like it was nothing. We saw a limp body on the road fighting for consciousness. Luckily we are both good people, naturally too. Our instincts took over and we rushed to help. I couldn’t ask for a better partner than him. He’s my whole world and he would help me save the world if I asked him to. He tried to shield my eyes after it all happened but it was too late, we had both seen everything. At that point it didn't matter, it was the action. He was trying to protect me, keep me innocent. That was his instinct. His natural instinct, to always protect me. He is my person and always will be. I love the man I’m with because in that moment, nothing else mattered. We both knew what we had to do. I grabbed his hands and told him it was okay. I had already seen it and we just needed to get help. He knew what to do. Its moments like this that help remind us of who we are and what is really important in this world. I joked to him earlier and said take me to the chapel, but I wasn't joking. 

Her name is Roxy and she is going to be okay. That is all that matters. I can’t get the image out of my head of her laying on the road, eyes half open. I felt helpless but at the same time, needed to try. Logic kicked in. Don't touch her in case her head or spine is injured. But be there and make sure she knows you are there and help is coming. She is someones girlfriend, daughter, sister, anything. If that was me, I would hope someone would do the same. I rushed over and Boson called 9-11. We did everything we could and she ended up heading to the hospital. They told us she would be okay. Roxy is okay. 

I learned three things tonight. 

One, that Boson is the love of my life and I couldn't imagine any form of life without him. Life is so fucking precious. Keep the ones you love close to you because they can be taken in an instant. Every moment together should be filled with joy. Even the tough times are paving the way for the best moments in life. Never lose site of that.

Two, I am meant to help people. Its an instinct and I need to act on it. Next steps: finding exactly how to.

Three, enjoy the life you have because it can be taken from you at any minute. Laugh too hard, smile often, and always think of the bright side of things. There is already too much darkness in the world for us to keep casting our own. Enjoy this life because you only get it once, so make it the one you’ve always dreamed of. 

[better-every-day]

The right thing to do

I know the right thing to do. Things are becoming clearer and I need to follow this instinct. He’s right, I need to find what I love to do. It doesn't really matter WHAT it is, it just matters that I try and find it instead of relying on him. Its not a life to live just supporting another person. That comes with a great relationship while also being your own person. I need to find out who that is for me without him, and I know that now.

This weekend was magic. I followed my gut and the outcome couldn't have been better. I love him with all I have and I need to show him that with space. I worry that by giving him space, he will think I won't care which is the opposite. I don't want him to feel guilty for not replying to me or not hanging out with me. He’s so busy and we shared 3 amazing years together. But these next two are his. His and mine. Our time to find ourselves and what makes us each truly happy. I don't know if we will end up together because who can tell the future? But my gut tells me if we I do this, everything will work out. 

Whether its starting my own business, breaking into a new space at Zoox, finding a new fitness inspiration, anything, its what I need to do. Try things that excite me. If it doesnt, go to the next. Try until theres nothing left because I know I’ll find what I love. So will he. These next 2 years are huge for him. Making his own films, networking with the right people, creating life long friends. The last thing I want is for him to feel guilty for not hanging out with me  because he wanted to go out with his film friends.

I know myself and I need structure. One day a week with him is what we can try and see how it goes. No pressure to see each other on weeknights when we are both busy and no pressure to be something we aren’t. Just best friends who make the time for each other to hangout. This is going to be the hardest things I’ve probably ever had to do. Truly let go. But in order to have the future we both want, I need to do this. I know he's not looking for someone else but if that comes along, then at least he is happy. It was so amazing to be with him this weekend. We had a week of space and then seeing other was another feeling entirely. We were great. No pressure to do or be anything. I got to meet the people he will be spending his 2 years with and I’m so happy I got to. The purpose of going to the party wasn't to plant myself in his life amongst his film friends. It was to genuinely see his new world and learn more about him. Then we had our time after and it was so fucking fun and special. 

There will be no more daily text and nightly facetimes. And although that thought breaks me, I know it will give us both the space we need. We always end up falling back into each other. But as just friends, there is no pressure to be anything but ourselves.I can't keep doing things because I think they will make Boson happy. I need to do things to make Katie happy. Follow MY gut. Discover MY world. And in times of needing life advice and needing a friend to turn to, I know I will always have the best one. 

[better-every-day]

repeat this daily.

[better-every-day]

[better-every-day]

Black and White

How can you go from one day being sure that you are with the person you want to marry to the next being acquaintances. He told me he wanted to find someone else and I can’t get that out of my head. It broke me. I'm not okay and I don't want to pretend to be. He is my world, or at least the world I could muster up the courage to give him.

This last month has felt like a dream together and I don't want to wake up. Other people don't exist when we are together. Until we aren't. And still no one exists. I feel alone. I feel like I don't have friends. I have them but it doesn't feel the same. Nothing compares to the friendship I have with him, he just gets me like no one possibly could.

He needs space. Give it to him. Fight every urge in your body to reach out. But is that the right answer? I don't ever want him to think I’m giving up on us because it couldn't be more untrue. I can't promise myself that I won't reach out, he's the one person I want to talk to. I need to know how HE is feeling and if HE is okay. If he’s truly okay, then I can leave him alone to be free. I just care about him and hope he always knows that.

I hate writing my feelings to him because he’s right, it just sounds like a fuck boi. I don't know how else to say it though. Everything I'm saying is true, but its just words until there are actions. Just because words are my love language, does not mean its the same for him. Empathy. This is the chance to show him that you understand him. Don't tell him, show him. Everything is for him. 

[better-every-day]

Broken

I feel broken. I feel angry. I feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough. I fish for the answers that I think people want to hear, especially him. I'm so afraid of losing him that I might have just done that by trying too hard to be the person he wants. 

I'm not okay and I’m trying so hard to be. But its not his burden to bear. I wanted to call him all day today but he's done. He wants to move on and I have to let him. But I physically cant. He owns my heart. He is my soulmate, I can feel it in my bones. I fight back because I still can't truly let go of the feeling that in the end, it will just be me and I need to be there for myself. But by always having that safety net, I can never really let go and love and be loved the way me and my partner need it. 

I grew up with my mom instilling this idea that you need to look after yourself first. You can't rely on other people, especially men and especially ones who are supposed to love you forever. I mean thats what my dad was to her, someone she thought would love her forever. But he didn't and it didn't work out. I would never instill this fear in my children that they need to lookout for themselves first. It’s not right and it keeps you from truly ever opening up to someone and loving them unconditionally. I think its reversible, it has been the last few years but its that last step I need to get past to just let myself fall into someone else, without a safety net for the “just in case”. That is the scariest part for me. Giving my whole self to someone and getting rid of the safety net that is me. I have a permanent safety net- my family. They will always be there for me if anything happens but they aren’t the ones who can take me to limit of being vulnerable. They shelter me, and never want me to get hurt. That's not vulnerability.

Empathy. Vulnerability. Accountability. The three things that need to change.

[better-every-day]

An Addiction

What is the best thing to do right now? Stop talking to each other to help us both move on? Keep showing him that I can be the girl he wants me to be because I want that too?  I don't know if there is a right answer....but either one, I hope one day it leads back to him.

I don't know what is right. All I know is that i’m having a really hard time letting him go. The moment I first saw him was something i’ve never experienced with anyone else. Any instant attraction. An instant want. Beyond just sexual. He had something inside him that made him the most desirable person in the world to me. I still think he is. When people ask who my celebrity crush is and all that, I have a hard time coming up with an answer because nobody beats him. I dare you to try and find that in someone. Just TRY.

We have our ups and downs in our relationships, that is for sure. The lows can be low but the highs are so fucking high that I'm in space. He brings out a side of me that I never knew I had. A passionate, goal driven side that becomes selfish sometimes. I get lost in trying to become what I want to become or achieve the goal that I forget to acknowledge  the person who helped me see it clearly and push me to be my best self. 

No one knows that its like to have our love. I see my friends love and its nothing. Nothing compared to what we have. Its intense yet friendly, passionate yet dreamingly secure. I would die for him. He would die for me. We would hinder ourselves to make the other better because we know it would be worth it in the end. Just as long as we don't lose sight of who we are as individuals. This is where I didn't do my part. I took him for granted and got so used to making myself better that I forgot about his needs and wants on the way. I became selfish.

Now that he's gone, I see things clearly. I see how I should have treated him and how he deserves all the praise in the world. I wish I had shown him more how truly loved and appreciated he was by me. But that doesn't mean it can't be fixed. It has to be fixable. This love is rare, I can feel it. He warms my body to my core when I’m with him and when we fight, I turn ice cold. I get a lump in my throat, my stomach feels like its tied into a thousand knots. I feel like I'm going to throw up. But when I'm with, theres not a feeling int he world that could trump it. I feel invincible with him by my side. I want him to feel that too. I can fix that.

This weekend Casey used the word “toxic” to describe my relationship based on the way that we still talk even when we are broken up. That made my blood boil. I lashed out. I told her she had no idea about my relationship and what it entails and maybe one day she will be lucky enough to feel an ounce of what ive felt with boson. I doubt it. I doubt a lot of people will. Anyone really.

Have you ever met someone who totally changed your life? Just came in and flipped it upside down? That was boson for me. In the best way possible. I love his motivation, his innate desire to be BETTER. Its addicting to be around and I am completely addicted to him. He makes me feel incredibly loved, seen, heard, and everything in-between. I know people always say after a break up that they won't find another guy like this one (usually they are wrong) but I seriously doubt I will meet anyone like him again. That instant connection, instant desire to want to learn to be more like him. If you don't admire the person you love most then whats the point? Find someone you want to be like and STRIVE to let go of your ego and admit you like qualities in other people. He taught me that. He’s taught me most of my core valuable in life thus far.

But the reality is, I need to show him how loved and admired he really is. How many sacrifices can be made for him. How he always comes first, no matter what. Not other peoples opinion, not obligations, not other peoples feelings, but him. When we spoke the other night on the phone, it was like the first time. If space can give us that back then that's what we need to do. I need him, and I’ll do anything for him. Even if that means losing him for some time. But I know our love and I'm confident we will find each other again. I know it, this is too special to let go.

[better-every-day]

Empty Space and Goodbyes

We are all just trying to fill the empty space in ourselves. Whether its caused from heartbreak, loneliness, your parents, poor upbringings, meaningless jobs, lack of passion, anything, we are all jus trying to feel whole. Some people go their whole lives without feeling whole, or loved, or not knowing what their true passion, dreams or goals really are. Ive been surrounding myself with a lot of those people these last few years and I'm fucking done. Here is a tribute to one of of my friends that I need to vent. 

Dear ___,

I don't know why we are friends. Well I do, its time. Being little and growing up together creates a strong bond between people, or so we think. But what happens when that bond is continually broken? Do you learn to forgive because you know there is something stronger beyond the surface? Maybe. But maybe we also just really grew apart, especially in recent years. And, fuck you. You don't treat me like a friend, you treat me like a punching bag. Always the one to be blamed and you always playing the victim. You always try to make me look stupid in front of people to make you look better. Trust me, trying to dim my light won't make yours any brighter. And I’m done letting you turn mine down and I'm done letting MYSELF turn it down to make you feel better. This move to LA is going to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I only relate to a few of my friends nowadays and I know those ones will keep in touch regardless. But the others are fucking trash. I refuse to be friends with anyone who tries to make others feel small just for them to feel better about their shitty lives. And its not just you, don't worry. You aren't alone there. I don't plan on speaking to a few of you once I move down to LA. You don't need to take it personally but you probably will anyway. I need to be surrounded by loving, motivating, inspiring people and you just don't do that for me. This weekend really showed that. I can't be surrounded by people who don't love who they are or the lives they’ve created for themselves. You are stuck in an endless cycle of self pity and blaming everyone else for where you are in the world when there is really only one reason you’re there. Karma isn't a bitch, its a mirror. You get what you give and when you give to the wrong people, you get the wrong things in return. But hey, whatever makes you feel better right? I am at the point where I don't want to help people like that. I’ve tried and realized that people will only change if THEY truly want to.  So its really not my problem anymore. I’ve made peace with that and i’ve accepted that we will no longer be friends. That's MY choice and I fully stand behind the one I'm making. You’ve never truly treated me like your best friend. I was sad and insecure and anxious and you took full advantage of that. Treating me like shit, fucking my boyfriend, I should have dropped your ass so fucking long ago. But I was naive and hopeful. But not anymore. I’m sorry you're still sad about your life but I'm not about mine and I need to find people who are like me. This is the end and I don't regret a single thing about it. I want to say its been real, but it hasn't. I don't have the empty spaces that you do and I hope one day you can fill them, but I can't help you anymore. I’m done, and I'm doing it for me.

[better-every-day]

Craving Him

I’ve been craving him a lot recently. Not just mentally, but physically, especially sexually. There is no one like him. His body on mine, him inside me. It feels like his dick was made for my vagina. His touch feels like fireworks on my skin. It electrifies me, shoots me into the sky and floats me gently back down to earth. His hands are my safe havens. When we are making love and I can feel his fingers touching my body, I feel weightless. I feel like my body goes numb and he could take me anywhere. Sex with him is a journey. First into my mind, feeling all of the doubt and worry flush away. Then into my heart, I feel a pounding sensation mixed with butterflies creeping up from my stomach and into my throat. Last comes the body sensation. The weightless feeling of our bodies aligning and becoming entranced in a love that's hard to find. When we finish, no doubt or worries rush back into me. I'm in a daze for the first few minutes, my body trying to rediscover its natural state. But he doesn't let it. He pulls me close, kisses my body tenderly, as we fall back into our slice of heaven. I used to think it was the sex that was really great (and don't get me wrong, it is), but its mostly him. Its the way my heart skips a beat when he walks into the room. Its the way a smile automatically forms on my face when he looks at me. Its a rare, unconditional, teenage love that I crave. He is my soulmate. How do I know? Because I can actually feel it, not in my head or my heart, but in my soul. Its always been him. 

[better-every-day]

Dad Advice

My dad is one of my best friends. He never sugar coats things or tries to make me feel better if he knows its something I need to embrace. Today we went on a hike together, just us. It was nice catching up with him and I could tell he wanted to talk about my breakup. So he asked if I was okay and what went wrong. He said he liked my post and said it painted boson out to be a victim and asked me if that was true. I explained our history and how he’s always been very clear with me about what he wants in our relationship. At times I failed to give him what he needed or failed to appreciate him in the way he deserved. My dad got it. Didn't need further questions, didn't need anything else, he could tell I fucked up. He knew that I knew I fucked up. It wasn't something to console me about or try to make me feel better about. He gave me the truth. He said if I wanted to keep trying with boson that I had to change. Change for the better. Appreciate more, don't force people to do things, give them space, and learn to love people differently. I wasn't expecting this advice from him. I’m his baby daughter and he has always made light of situations and said things like “ah screw them, its probably for the best.” Or at least that's what he said about past relationships. But not this time. I think he tried to make light of it at the end when he said “so finally boson found out how annoying you truly are and dumped you. You are really annoying sometimes” This was obviously said with a smile on his face and him half giggling since he thinks he's hilarious. But I appreciated all of his honesty this morning. 

I value people’s honesty a lot. The ones who don't sugar coat things. The ones who don't lie to me to make feel better. The one’s who don't blame people simply because they think someone NEEDS to be blamed. I'm going to be honest, not a lot of people can give the truth and I don't think a lot have given me the truth in the past. It seems like such an easy thing to ask for but its not for a lot of people. It wasn't easy for me either. I used to be afraid I would hurt peoples feelings or cause conflict or stand out. Now I embrace it. People deserve the truth because it makes them stronger. It helps them grow. It might not be what they want to hear but its what they NEED to hear in order to change and grow. It’s time to be permanent truth tellers. Because if you can't be truthful to yourself and others, you might as well be a mute statue, forever the same, cemented in place.

[better-every-day]

Forever is a lie, because tomorrow isn’t promised, but I promise that if tomorrow comes, I will still love you.

ourbrokenbeatinghearts (via thoughtkick)

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[better-every-day]

A New Kind of Love

Today felt like a new kind of love. So did last night. A fresh love, one that feels like I know him better than anyone else but also that I still have so much I want to learn about him. It feels like we can give each other space. Last night he wanted to play on the computer before bed and I wanted to read. It was perfect. We laid next to each other and each did the thing we wanted to do in that moment without any guilt or feeling that we NEEDED to be doing the same thing. That freedom was everything. I feel like it made us love each other even more. I loved waking up with my book on my chest and looking over and seeing him asleep with his finger on the keyboard. We both fell asleep peacefully doing what we wanted to do. Then I turned the computer off, tucked him in, kissed him, and we both slept so peacefully. It felt natural, wholesome. It felt like nothing bad could ever happen in that moment with him by my side.

Today we went to the movies. It felt like a first date with the butterflies in my stomach. But walking out of pho hua to see him made it feel like an old happy memory. It was a mixture of old and new but nothing short of perfect. I snuggled into him the whole movie, always wanting to be touching him. Until my calf cramped which fucking sucked but hey, it passed and I got back into my position :) It felt like old times with new love beginning. Its hard to describe and im not sure that totally makes sense but it just felt like I was exactly where I needed to be. With him.

I ran a few errands after we watched the movie and I couldnt help but smile the whole time. I felt truly happy. Like I was discovering a new vulnerable love for the first time and I wanted to jump right in. They say you dont know what you got til its gone and boy are they fucking right. I lost him and only now do I see what I really want in love and a relationship and my partner. I spoke to my mom on the phone today about he break up paper that I wrote. She told me that she didnt want me to give up on this. She said she could feel how much we love each other and that it wasnt something to give up on or let go of. She said “boson is so confident and admirable that I felt he would have told you how he felt before you guys broke up. About needing you to appreciate him more and love him how he needs to be loved.” I made it very clear that he has told me exactly what he wants and needs in this relationship and tried to wait for me to catch up but I didnt. The call ended with my mom telling me to get my shit together and train my brain to be more positive and to practice doing it every day. Because this is something not worth losing, ever. Shes right.

Today felt like a new day for us. Even a new night. The conversation felt easier. The love felt so natural. I felt like I could do and say anything and same with him. We were just there to enjoy each other and feel the love we know we have. Today made me optimistic for the future. I of course cant guarantee anything but it made me hopeful that I can be the girl he wants me to be. I know this because I felt it today and I loved who that was. 

[better-every-day]

Vulnerability

Vulnerability. This is something i’ve shy’d away from for a long time. I saw it as a weakness, I saw it as a way where people could easily hurt me. Only recently have I really discover the power of true vulnerability. I should have realized this earlier if I had just listened to him.

Last night I did something i’ve never done before. I shared a piece of writing that was the most vulnerable thing I’ve probably ever shared with people in my life. I sent it to friends, family, everyone. When I first sent it, I was scared. Scared of what people might say, scared of how I would feel. I felt scared but I also felt free. This is the first time in my life that I was THIS vulnerable and I chose to share it with the world. Not just me, or boson, or one other person - everyone. Emotionally, I was terrified. Looking back at it now, I wonder why I didn't do this sooner. But I know why. I was insecure, scared, and just unable to comprehend that people will understand and be there for me. Boson always told me to practice being vulnerable and that he was always there to listen. I let that opportunity slip away. I had moments of vulnerability but could never give my full self away. Now that I have, I wish I had listened to him sooner. 

It might be too late now to show him that I can be vulnerable and that all his perseverance, sensitive care, and unconditional love wasn't all for nothing.  But I at least need to try. To show him that I can be the person he always wanted me to be, and most importantly that I want to be that person too. I don’t know if he will ever forgive me for not listening to him in the past. I hope one day he can even if its not a day soon. Maybe one day when he is happy and settled with someone else will he able to see the impact he had on my life in creating who I am today. 

Better Everyday. Thats the goal. Thank you poofer for everything. You have saved me, repaired me, and shown me how to truly live. I hope one day I can do the same for you.