betterlost

[betterlost]

i've moved blogs!

[betterlost]

i've moved blogs!

[betterlost]

i've moved blogs!

[betterlost]

feel like shit can't get the sesame street little league team off the ground

[betterlost]

Yeah, no. On career day Johanna said she wants to run a pyramid scheme when she grows up and requested her next birthday party be themed around the black plague. Trust me, she knows about the color red.

( jesus christ. he rubs his temples ) I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT— I MEANT SUCKER LIKE - LIKE A FOOL. AN EASY TARGET?

big bird is six years old and he's still learning numbers! perhaps johanna doesn't know about the color red!

... w. wait she's playing me for wh ( audible sound of the phone hitting the floor ) ( distant incoherent sobbing ) ( picks the phone up again )

NICK I DO NOT SUCK BLOOD! NICK YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME

[betterlost]

Jo? For the love of— last week she told me she wanted it green. It's a whole ongoing— okay listen, Count? First of all she's eight, she already knows about the color red. She's playing you for a sucker. Second of all, all redecorating plans get run by me first, alright, not you guys.

oh! we weren't trying to teach elmo about the color red, we were teaching young johanna about the color red! she said she could learn about it if we painted her room!

[betterlost]

THEN GO AND COUNT THOSE AGAIN!!!! THERE IS ZERO - COUNT IT - ZERO REASON TO BE PAINTING MY WALLS. ELMO IS ALREADY RED. HE DOESN'T HAVE TO LEARN ANYTHING ABOUT THE COLOR RED.

BUT KIWA - elmo this is what you do elmo you have to STAND UP for yourself - KIWA GAVE ME THREE HUNDRED NINETY SIX THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDRED SEVENTY ONE GRAINS OF RICE TO COUNT FROM HOOPER'S STORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[betterlost]

YOU CAN CONTAIN—

( screaming back louder to be heard over his phone's speaker maxing out ) YOU CAN CONTAIN MULTITUDES SOMEWHERE ELSE GET OUT OF MY APARTMENT GO TO CAOIMHE'S APARTMENT

CAN'T A MAN HAVE MULTIPLE INTERESTS!!!!!!!!

( peaking the phone's microphone ) I AM JUST AS REAL AS YOU NICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN HAVE DIFFERENT HOBBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CONTAIN MULTITUDES!!!!!!!!!

[betterlost]

Listen, if the topic of the segment is animals again make them move somewhere else, alright, and I'm not too keen on colors either. Letters is fine. Numbers is out.

I'm telling you man I came home with groceries and Elmo and like 6 kids were on your stoop !

[betterlost]

YOU'RE NOT EVEN THE COLORS GUY YOU'RE THE COUNTING GUY

( on the other side of the phone, in the background ) AND NOW I WILL PAINT THE WALLS BRIGHT RED!

[betterlost]

( on the phone in the middle of the work ) what do you mean they took over my apartment for an educational segment make them un-take it over

[betterlost]

( reaches over and holds the count's mouth shut like he's a dog ) as i was saying,

THAT IS ZERO, ZERO CHILDREN ON YOUR DIVORCE ARRANGEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[betterlost]

( strums bass ) this ones called No Children. believe it or not the kids at home can sing along

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it's honest to god a miracle that woman is still friends with me

[betterlost]

No, no no, no, that's okay. You really don't have to do that. I'm serious, you don't. I'm actually terrible at this whole shoveling thing, did you know that? Yeah. Basically do the whole job in just one really long scoop. Won't even be much to count. It'd suck to stand out here for that long just to count one thing.

( calling after the orchestra ) Let's make that nine.

Uh, you know... any other day and I'd be down for that, Count. But I'm not sure that's a good idea. I mean it's so cold, right? And this could take a while. You don't want to stand out here for hours.

[betterlost]

( calling after the orchestra ) Let's make that nine.

Uh, you know... any other day and I'd be down for that, Count. But I'm not sure that's a good idea. I mean it's so cold, right? And this could take a while. You don't want to stand out here for hours.

( jesus fucking christ ) I— look, man, can you turn that down? It's six in the... freaking morning

[betterlost]

If you slip and bust your ass I am not driving you to the hospital.

positive affirmations (maybe if i go out and shovel all the sidewalk on this street the universe will reward me with 1 [one] normal day)