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[bfilmblues-blog]

Movie Review - The Last Slumber Party

No, this movie isn’t about a large surgeon fighting thunder storms. That would be an awesome movie though.

Pros: One of the most nonsensical twists I have ever seen in a movie which is kind of entertaining.

Cons: Birth of a Nation was less controversial and hateful. The theme song is now burned into my brain and unfortunately the only cure is death. Terrible ending. Terrible acting. Terrible killer. The longest quest for Orange Juice I have ever seen in any form of media.

Let me start by saying that normally as a fan of questionable music taste I can listen to the most horrible of audio treats in the world and still wear a grin on my face. Vaporwave? Bring it on. That bootleg Gaslamp Killer cut? Whatever, sounds good. That rare ICP/DMX beta track that was found in an abandoned grave in small Mexican village? Let's turn it up. Still, out of everything that has poisoned my ears "LETS GO OUT TONIGHT" is by far the worst song I have ever heard in my life. 

I don't say this lightly, who ever made that song is a terrible person but also some kind of autistic savant of audio, some kind of reverse Johann Sebastian Bach who hated both music and people. Not only does this song play every three seconds in the movie, but it also seems to have the ability to drown a ton of the dialog as well which makes it even more aggravating. Nothing shows this more then the very first scene where 99% of the dialog is drowned out in a classroom, which should be the easiest fucking place in the world to capture decent audio. I could go on for pages about how atrociously bad the sound is, but it really is something that one can only experience for themselves. I have watched a ton of low quality movies that has worse recording when it came to the audio, but it was a blessing because those movies often were terrible and not hearing the actors (Or your drunk friends you paid $2 to attempt drama) was normally a good thing. The sad part was, I was actually kind of interested in The Last Slumber Party because I am pretty sure it might be one of the most 80's of all 80's slashers I have ever seen and I was trying to find out what the hell was the deal with all the plot holes and illogical scenes put into this movie.

Well, joke is on me, I watched this like five times now and while I fully understand every line due to a crack team of Chinese secrete police who transcript the movie for me, nothing still makes sense.

The movie starts with three extremely unattractive women and the three counterpart boyfriends they have talking about summer vacation, how much summer is going to rule, and how some nerd in the background named Science rules because he helped them with their biology homework.

The three most beautiful women of Louisiana!

Meet Chris, Tracy, and Linda. Here is a easy chart to describe each character.

Chris:

Red Hair

Hates people with a different sexuality then hers so much she has to comment about it about 50230 times every single day.

Loves to drink all day, wake up at 4:00 AM, then continue drinking.

Might be a meth addict in real life.

Tracy:

Blonde

Extremely boring and stupid.

For some reason needs to bring every phone into the bathroom.

Only has like 5 lines.

Linda:

Nerd.

Has a dad who is a lackluster neurosurgery doctor.

Is holding a sleepover in the ugliest house on earth.

Really wants Man-nerd bad, which is odd because they are going out already. Don't know what that is about.

For the men counterpoints, I can't remember their names but assume each are named Jock, Goof, and Man-Nerd and they all fit the same tables as above.

Class is about to end and summer vacation is right about to start (But they are all like 30?) and the girls talk about the kickin' rad slumber party they are going to have that and if they should invite boys or not. Chris says a party without sex and men is a waste, Linda kind of twiddles her thumbs and agrees while talking about her lust over Man-nerd, and Tracy tries to remember she is in a movie but fails to do so and nibbles on her hair tips while drooling. Everyone cheers when the Bell rings, the conversation continues, and everyone goes home.

Later that night at a hospital entrance, a nurse walks out complaining that no one wants to have sex with her, which is odd considering she looks like the most attractive person in this film. She goes to a bus stop and waits on a bench while some sleepy guy next to her snores. She complains and complains and complains until finally the audience is granted mercy as our killer comes out to change things up. The killer is by far, in the movie, the most lazy of all slasher killers I have ever seen and consists of some random dude wearing scrubs. That's it, he just looks like some random guy at the ER. Anyways, the killer moves a scalpel in front of her face and she dies from this somehow. Sleepy guy, despite hearing her complain nonstop, scream bloody murder, and the struggle does not wake up. He wakes up afterwards and starts complaining that the bus is taking forever. The killer, obviously annoyed at this doofus, kills sleepy guy for a double whammy.

The face of evil. Hygienic evil. Also, that's the director.

We eventually learn the killer is some kind of random guy who had a lobotomy and became evil for no reason. With part of his brain gone, he now runs around town lightly stabbing people and being a jerk at various parties. Other then that, we never get a name, motivation, or any further background on him. Hell, even in the credits they just label him "Maniac" which is the height of laziness. The only snippets we get are when Linda's dad gets various phone calls we can't hear and he can blandly reply with things like "Oh, that maniac escaped? That's too bad." and "I need to find that maniac. I think."

Now, I have seen a bunch of bad actors in my day, but I might have to say the actor playing Linda's father may be near the worst. Every line he has is read with zero emotion. He can't have any facial expression besides minor puzzlement. Also, he sounds like a robot. I'm not joking when I say that all the actors in Birdemic did a better job then this asshole.

We finally get the titular slumber party and uh... well, not much is happening.

...You guys wanna play monopoly or something?

The girls sit around in various moo-moo's and sleep jerseys while looking bored as hell doing nothing. They do have a slight dance at the start, but it's interrupted by Linda's dad who says he has to get Orange Juice, for the girls to behave, the music they are playing sucks and he then leaves the house. After being burned on the music, they sit down and watch TV where a black static image of a news logo tells them that two people were murdered at the bus stop! DUN DUN DUUAAAAA~ - But they don't care because it's not connected to them in anyway and it’s Louisiana, so people get murdered all the time.

Of course, after hearing about the horrific murders, they immediately think of romance and debate on calling "Men-folk". It's at this point in the movie where suddenly every single person has a southern accent. There was no southern accents before, but now they are in full force. Every sentence ends with "Bless ya'll hearts" and "NASCAR RULES!".

Before they can call dem' ol' boys - well, they show up. They knock on the window with dumb Halloween masks and Chris calls them gay homo's for like, a half hour before they leave to go get some beer. This is a reoccurring theme in the movie where Chris will have a discussion with one of the male counterparts and often goes into a diatribe about how they must be gay and love the idea of having men tongue every orifice they own in a hedonistic sodomy session. It's really nonsensical and so out of place, but almost 90% of her script reads like bizarre homoerotic sex fantasy the director must keep hidden.

Welcome to beautiful Louisiana!

At the gas station, the guys drink in the parking lot when Linda's dad shows up still on his holy quest for Orange Juice. They talk back and forth when Linda's dad is like "Welpp... shit, prob - no Orange juice at this gas station, I better check my work. By work, I mean, the hospital." and just leaves the set. Science, the nerd from the first scene shows up. The guys throw a beer at Science and tell him to party hard, because it's summer! Science looks slightly miffed at this friendly jest and leaves. The guys then describe in great detail who is going to have sex with who, how much summer vacation rules and about how much fun it is to drink beer. All in all, seems like normal high school talk, except you know, that they all look 30-ish.

Back at the slumber party, the girls debate still for another five fucking hours if they should call the boys. Uh - They already said they were coming back. Calm down, ladies. After talking about boys, calling boys, and if smoking pot is cool (They come to conclusion it's not while continuing to pound shots) they finally decide it's time for bed. While they are heading upstairs, one of the boys somehow ends up at the house before the rest of them, had a ladder placed against the bedroom window, and climbs up and enters the room just as the ladies enter it. They pull him inside and after an absurdly awkward conversation between Chris and him involving homosexuality, Chris pushes the girls out the room and explains she wants to get busy. Before that, though, she has to shower. Uh - Ok. She tells him to lay on the bed and in the connecting bathroom, she showers for what seems like four hours - during that time, Science comes into the bedroom and kills Jock-kid who was laying there waiting for some muskrat love. After killing him, he puts his body in the closet.

Huh.

Now you are thinking - Why would Science kill this guy? Is Science the main killer now? The answer to both of those questions are I don't know, and no. For some reason, that light joke about being more upbeat about summer vacation really set off Science, so now he has a blood lust. Whatever. They never explain or show why Science would kill the people who liked him or why he would kill them, but also do their homework for them too, but uh - arughh - my brain.

Chris comes out and in frustration that another man would accept death rather then have relations with her screams to the heavens calling Jock-man a fag and queerbait nonstop over and over before finally getting exhausted from her rant and heading back downstairs with the other girls. Science hides in the corner of the room during all this and is able to not be found. Once again, I’m not sure why Science is there or why he is filled with murderous rage, but hey, that’s horror for you.

Like poetry, Tracy finds goof kid, they go upstairs to have sex and goof kid asks if she has any drugs. Unsure if she does have drugs, Tracy goes into the bathroom to search for some while Science murders the hell out of this loser and chucks his body out the window. During this time, the real killer comes in from the ladder and watches Science doing his stuff while nodding in approval.

Just so you know, there is now two killers in this room, both have not communicated with each other and both are easily hiding in different places in the room. Only the real killer knows Science is in there. While Science does his normal hide in the closet, real killer decides he is a under the bed guy.

Tracy leaves the bedroom, calls goof kid a homo a couple of times because of his disappearance, then screams because she finds a knife the floor. All the girls meet up in the room and discuss where the knife could have came from. After a slight bickering session, they decide it's all a prank from the guys and all cuddle in bed together to go to sleep. In the same room. With the two killers. Oddly enough, the killers leave them be and continue hiding. Seriously. They sleep for like five hours and no one disturbs them. Pretty polite killers, really.

You know a film is bad when even the dude who likes FIRSTRYKE says it's bad.

Chris has a dream where she wanders around a house for like twenty minutes doing nothing while terrible synth music plays. Finally, after the most boring dream of all time, she gets stabbed by various people and wakes up. All the girls are fine, everyone is still asleep. Also, the killers might be asleep too, who knows? Anyways, Chris gets up and decides it's time to start drinking. Hitting the liquor cabinet that isn't hers, she picks up the phone right when it rings (Rude) and gets some heavy breathing. Freaked out, she runs upstairs and tells the other girls about the dreadful phone call. They both could care less. Speaking of phone calls, the conversation then cuts to them debating if they should call the boys again for the 100th time. It’s like, 5:00 AM. Jeez, calm down ladies.

Chris is like "Whatever, I'm drinking" and Linda goes with her. Tracy continues to sleep in bed where she is almost murdered by Science in her sleep, but Science is dispatched by our main killer and is thrown out the window. Haha, that's what you get for not enjoying summer vacation, NERD! Main killer then kills Tracy, stabs Linda off screen, and sits around the bedroom doing nothing. Chris continues to drink when Linda's mom gets a call waking her up from dad saying he is still getting orange juice and will be back home soon. Dude? It's been like 10 hours. This causes Linda's mom to get up and tell Chris to shut the gate outside for some reason. Chris goes outside and see's the guys car, confused why there would be a car but no boys to call gay, she goes into detective mode.

And here is where the movie hits a climax. By climax, I mean the most absurd and slow ending ever put into a horror film. Chris walks around the house looking at nothing forever. There was less walking and looking in Homeward Bound. Honestly, it’s just like ten minutes of her walking around a house inspecting various things while the killer always hides somewhat in random frames and looking as goofy as possible. After the longest walking scene in any film ever created, Chris discovers the phone lines have been cut and Tracy is dead upstairs. Chris, by far, has the best reaction to this I have ever seen as she goes “Eh” and just walks out of the the room.

Jeepers Creepers,  Fuck. Oh well, time to drink.

Now, I know it’s Louisiana and I assume it must be pretty normal there to see your best friend murdered by some kind of random violence, but it may just be a bit of bad acting when you have no emotional reaction whatsoever to seeing a corpse in a bed. Like, I get it, acting is hard or whatever, but come on, lady. Chris wanders around till she gets back downstairs and Linda's mom bumps into her. She is like “Oh, uh - I’m dead.” and just falls over holding her throat. We are supposed to assume she was stabbed and wandering around in a panic, but instead she looks kind of bored and lazily falls onto a sofa. Neat.

Linda then also taps Chris on the shoulder and says “Get help.” before also falling on the floor dead from an invisible stab wound. Why, this slumber party is terrible... in fact, I hope it’s The Last Slumber Party! Once again, despite seeing two people she knows die, Chris has no reaction whatsoever and proceeds to walk around the house some more, because twenty minutes of that wasn’t enough. Armed with a large knife, she walks and walks and walks and walks an - Whoops, in a moment of awkwardness, Chris believes she notices the killer and lunges her knife at a figure around a corner and it’s the last doppelganger boyfriend. He dies instantly and yet again Chris has no reaction to this, but instead is just like “Meh.” while leaving the knife inside of him and walking off. 

 Finally, Chris meets the killer. Who will win? They both almost have similar body counts and only one may survive. Truly, this will be an epic battle of survival as - Oh, Chris just stabs him once and he dies. Well, shoot, that was easy. After a full night of binge drinking and murder, Chris passes out next to the killer in the kitchen. Huh... so fifty minutes of walking and a 10 second battle between the killer and the final survivor? Now that is some good film making.

Finally, dad comes home and HEY - He still forgot the Orange Juice! What the hell has this idiot been doing for eleven hours? He goes inside his home and looks at everything all broke/smashed up and his phone lines cut. He rolls his eyes, goes to the fridge and drinks a tall glass of orange ju - Ugh. I just - Come on, director. After his beverage, he continues to look around, still continues to look around, and finally is like “Meh, I should go to work” and drives to work, where upon reaching work he rides the elevator up to his office where he is killed by the killer. How did the killer get up there? Who knows. Anyways, Chris wakes up in the house, steps outside towards the pool, and that Killer must have the fastest running legs on earth because he is now back at the house and attempts to kill her in the pool. Alas, with a big fuck you to the audience, Chris suddenly wakes up and it was all a dream.

Now, “It was a dream” endings are always terrible, but this one somehow continues the stride of doing things on a legendary bad scale decides not only was that not enough, but to keep pushing and somehow get the most dumb ending of all time. Chris wakes up, calls her friends and asks if they are still doing the slumber party. Blah blah blah - Chris goes to her Linda's house and the killer sneaks in, it’s like some eternal loop of bad plot holes and confusion. Scream, credits.

You can watch the whole movie on Youtube, I believe. Check it out and let me know what you think. I would normally write a conclusion, but I just can’t for movie. It’s abysmally bad but at the same time unlike most b-films it is not entertaining either. It’s some weird void of garbage that never brought joy or happiness to anyone or anything.

[bfilmblues-blog]

Game Review - Camp Sunshine

A game about a look into furries, obscure horror movie references, and a baby filled with evil retardation.

Imagine if Sleepaway Camp had more bears, shitty visuals, and a lack of child sexuality.

So, ok.

This fucking game man.

First off, who makes a horror game called “CAMP SUNSHINE”? That’s weak. But to begin, what the hell are we supposed to be looking at when it  comes to the title here? Oh, look, it’s paper bag man and he’s sure angry after getting some waffles and jam. Out of his boggy swamp home, he looks to murder the nearest person he could find, a woman doing yoga while shooting a hose out of her hand. Also, look at that cabin in the background, what the hell is that?

You play as Jaz (Ugh) a kid suffering from his parents naming him the most metrosexual name of all time, and apparently you have to go to summer camp. Which, of course, is a bummer because Jaz looks like he is about 25 years old. Upon arriving, you get the normal rundown:

BWAHAAAHAHA! Er - I mean. Yes. That’s perfectly normal. Hey, did you want to see my little cramped desk?

Jaz does what he does best, and bitchs and moans every three seconds. Get used to it, because it is what he does all game. Everything from Jaz is either him whining, crying, being sarcastic or just acting like a dickhead. After meeting your roommate who is the only person more gay then you in the camp, you say goodbye to your mom and go to bed despite it being only like 4:00 PM in the afternoon. But before we can start a game where can pick between breakfast burrito or cereal, we get the horror of waking up to a 12 year old getting on the microphone and going “Muahahah!” while Jas wakes up in horror.

Ugh, don’t you know this blood totes clashes with my pink sleepware? Pff~

Discovering his roommate must have had the worst bloody nose of all time and now gone, Jaz changes out of his “Jamie-Jams” (ugh) and gets a flashlight to do some exploring. Normal start to any horror, really. The only thing missing is some teenagers having a cocaine party, bad 80′s slasher boobs and a scene with a blonde nerd girl knows party times and sex is bad so she writes in her journal about how much she wants to study to work as a vet tech for abandoned puppies. Alas, despite missing the first two, Jaz does have the most feminine hair and sleep attire in camp, he will have to be our protagonist.

Look out, it’s a pissed off beaver who couldn’t lay off the cookie dough!

And thus, taking a few steps out we meet the monster, killer, antagonist and lover of deep dish pizzas. Now, I get it, this game creator was like “Oh boy that Friday Night at Freddy’s game sure made a ton of money. Maybe like, I should steal that and make a billion dollars too! Animal costumes are scary, right?” but unlike FNF games (Which also are shit) they had at least jump scares. Instead of jump scares, we get random audio clips of the creator trying to sound scary with such lines at “Get over here, kid.” and “I’ll Hurrf~ Find you...~” which for some reason makes me wish I was playing a better game with dumb voice lines, like Mortal Kombat or Burn Cycle. 

In a tutorial of the hiding system (Which you will never use once) and literally going two feet away into a bush, our chunky killer somehow loses the the track and Jas starts his legendary journey to find a counselor to try and complain to about his gross roommate.

Ah gawd, why did I pick the cabin next to the swimming pool when I have irritable bowel syndrome?! 

And thus begins the game.

How to play Camp Sunshine.

1. Wander around while avoiding a retarded fat piece of shit.

2. Find someone murdered or a corpse or a note about shit no one cares about. 

3. Have a random camper talk to you about needing something stupid, like a heater getting fixed, getting a candy bar, or wiping their ass.

4. Complete one of the two puzzles in the game 

5. ????

The mechanics of the game are pretty simple. Run around, collect shit, if you see a fat slow moving bear run away. Oh, but don’t worry, if fatty bear manages to clip you, you just get bounced for some minor HP damage and he vanishes in a puff of purple smoke and laughs. There is a few scenes that can be one hit kills, but you have to be brain dead not to be able to push the arrow key away. Also, for some reason, there is a sprint option (You never need it) but if you do sprint all your energy goes down in about a half a second and takes forever to refresh. There is also a flash light, but you never need to turn it on because you can see just fine without it. 

The true horror arrives.

So, the question is, is it scary? Well, no. The plot goes like this - Back in the day some idiot and his pregnant wife decide to start a camp at some lake. During a night of setting up cabins and talking about the wonders of future child birth, two witch doctors do some hoodoo voodoo up in the lake. Later, Issac is born but mom dies, boo hoo. Oh, also, he is a retarded mutant like Jason. Anyways, the dad with grief hires one of the witch doctors who is evil to be the camp chef (Or not? This camp has like 15 chefs). After years of random murders and shit from his evil child, the dad decides he has had enough, kills his kid, then puts a shotgun in his mouth. After like, a week - the camp reopens and now the ghost of a retarded evil child possessed by a female witch doctor slop server wearing a bear costume has came back to have revenge (Against what?) while the other witch doctor demands you collect pages and items to stop the evil. Oh, also, there is an evil cult that is beneath the camp ground helping the evil witch doctor (Doctress?) because if everything falls into place Issac will become the host for some demon named “Tazhehanadh” or something, which I guess has the power to sound like a 15 old wigger trying to act tough.

Classic, really. But it does raise some questions like - Why does the female witch doctor want to possess a child? What’s the point? Why is there witch doctors like in the middle of fucking Idaho doing spiritual battles in summer camps? Why is the game only a hour long and why do the dungeon of evil Issac cultists all look like they are gigantic walking dicks?

Teenager or angry lesbian? Who knows. Check out the dick wizards to the right.

After collecting every fucking item in the known universe, you finally get to a point where the witch doctor is like “Ok, that’s enough shit, you should like, uh, go to the evil guy’s lair and burn it all” so you do and then for some reason fat furry bald potato man steals your mom (How?) and ransoms her. You have a counter offer although, you take all the papers and items, throw them in the fire, and Issac melts into a ghost... of a ghost or something. While you are doing this, Issac screams lines like “OOOOO I’LL RIP YOUR SOUL OUT!” and “ARGHHH I WILL DESTORY YOU!!!!”. Things burn, furries die. Good witch doctor comes out and says congratulations, you mom says she is no longer going to divorce your father, and Issac's ghost can go into the afterlife where he will collect my little pony figures and katanas until the end of time.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN FUR-CON 2016 WAS CANCELED YOU SHIT LORDS?!

Harsh, bro

Yeah, thanks garbage man.

So, what do you get when you complete this game? Why, the credits and the wonderful Camp Sunshine song! It’s a little diddle about a chunky sweaty baby in a suit attacking people with swords song by a hipster with nothing better to do. 

Worst summer ever, bros.

[bfilmblues-blog]

Hell Comes to Frogtown

Hell Comes to Frogtown is the simple story about a WWF wrestler who must save the world by date raping women in the desert.

Pros: Makes you feel pretty good about all those lame Halloween costumes you had. The title isn’t a lie and indeed Hell does come to a Frog town.

Cons: The only thing more uncomfortable then watching this with friends, family and loved ones is catching your pedophile uncle jacking off to Salo - or the 120 days of Sodom.

Narrator: In the latter days of the 20th century, there arose a difference of opinion. The leading experts at the time believed a nuclear war would only involve the exchange of a few bombs and then the suitably horrified combatants would sit down at the peace table. They were wrong. In just 10 days, 10,000 years of human progress was virtually blown to dust. 10 Years later, they tried again.

Difference of opinion? Ugh, this is what happens when China and Russia argue if Mexican food or Sushi sounds better for the night. With that melodramatic (And thankfully brief/correctly spelled for once) text crawl set to the background of nuclear explosions the movie opens up to a ridiculously dressed fallout 3 raider picking up a toy statue of liberty, only to be lightly harassed by another poorly dressed raider who makes fun of him for liking toys. Angry at the the fact his choice of entertainment is burned, raider 1 pulls out a gun and shoots him despite second man saying “Hey! Greeners can’t have guns! It’s against the law!” Despite the threat of law, the raider shoots the gun and croaks in victory.

Frogman? Bee Keeper?  Goth steam-punk scarecrow? 

Man, I have seen some lazy costumes in my life, but I think even a decent frog mask goes for what? $5 at the Halloween season store? I mean, I get the post apocalyptic glasses and hat or whatever, this image just screams laziness.

Now before you read further, you should know the main star of this movie is Rowdy Roddy Piper. Most of you have lives and are probably asking “Hey, who is that?” Well, he was a Scottish themed wrestler who was known for being a heel with a blazing wit. Of course, a blazing wit to a Scotsman is pretty much a normal person who can resist the urge to sodomize lifestock. Regardless, he was pretty well known in the WWF and kids hated him. Rowdy would often come on stage, do some rant about Hulk Hogan being a big gay pussy boy, and everyone would boo him. It was classic really and his legacy in the WWF was pretty top notch back in the day. I believe he still holds the title of the greatest heel of all time. Debatable though, he never throw a plastic snake at people viva la jake or talk about raping dudes all the time like the Iron Sheik.

Then, Piper got into movies.

Alas, the wrestler curse hits everyone slightly differently, and Rowdy got the worst of it. While Hulk would do a bunch of shit films, he actually had a few cult classics and possibly the greatest movie of all time, No Holds Barred. Jessie “STONE COLD!”? He got some sick roles by playing an autistic cyborg in Abraxis and being himself in the No Holds Barred. Rowdy? Well, he had Hell Comes to Frog Town as his lowest and They Live as his greatest. You know that line? “I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. And I’m all outta bubble gum?” That was him. He was like a brilliant shining star, Icarus spreading his wings to the glory of the sun.

Then, it all came to Frog Town.

After that, there was no more amazing roles. It was all pseudo-reality TV shows like Wife Swap and FunnyorDie videos. It all went down hill.

It smelled of Frog Town.

He passed away in July 31, 2015. Sad day, but I can’t help but feel that maybe, without Frog Town, he would have a perfect run. R.I.P (But this movie is fucking garbage and I demand a refund if there is a afterlife we both meet up in at one point) Like, I don’t want to say Frog town ruined a great thing and only brought misery and woe onto people, but I’m going to just put it out there on the side for you guys to think about.

Oh, to live in better days

Anyways, the movie starts with Rowdy being beaten in an interrogation room with a general breaking bottles on his face. Two nurses walk in and try to stop the violence by saying “Med-Tech” -

Wait, I just have to get this out here. I know these are different times and places, but I can’t help but feel that a large majority of Fallout oddities was ripped from this shitty movie. We will get more into that later though.

“Med-Tech needs him.”

“Why!” Asks the general. “He is accused of sexual assault of my daughter!”

“Yeah, but once she found out that she was pregnant, she must have had a change of heart.”

Welcome to the primary goal of the horrible frog filled future. See, due to the radioactivity, 90% of men are sterile. No tumors, eco-systems destroyed, or even a glimpse of modern society being ravaged - Nah, the great war to end all wars left just the majority of dudes not having to worry about pulling out ever again. Constantly in this film, it will be told over and over again that rape is actually pretty fucking awesome as long as you knock someone up doing it. In fact, if the government finds you are able to shoot off some swimmers, then will send you on commando missions to try and rape as many women as possible in order to jump start America again.

Now, I don’t blame you if you don’t want to read the rest of this review. It’s sounds horrible and grotesque, and sure, it is, but I advise you make it to the end. I mean, we haven’t even gotten to the titular frog monsters yet.

From the start, we learn our main character, Sam Hell (Rowdy) is a thief, murderer, and all around sleazy drunk moron who seems to only be able to speak in sarcasm, yet for some reason he is a super lady killer. Despite the nonstop murders in his wake, the horrible rapes that have occurred, and the fact that he looks like a smarmy fuck that needs to be shot, the officials lay down a mission that will clear him of all charges. That mission?

Timmy, age 15, also used this exact mission in his mod for Fallout 4. Three years later, he would be on the sex offender list.

Due to Sam Hell being a horrible criminal, there is one catch, he has an high tech codpiece locked on his junk due to his testicles now being governmental property. If he drops to run away, he will be shocked in the ballsack nonstop until he complies with orders... which uh... seems like a bad idea. Wouldn’t a collar or something be better? It just seems to me that you wouldn’t want to damage your prime baby maker in his jewels. What do I know, though? I never got a Med-Tech degree.

His controller on the mission, is a blonde donkey-shew woman named Spangle who will be holding the remote on his ball zapper and an aggressively overly stereotypical butch Latina gunner named Centinella who tries to act tough despite only being 20 pounds wet. Together, they will all travel the waste land in a pink jeep looking for women to exploit. Oh, lovely. 

And thus, we go FOREVER into the movie with not much happening except Sam saying how much he hates the trip and everyone in the love bug, the women soldiers trying to act tough, and nonstop footage of a car moving. On the hunt to commit horrible crimes against humanity, Spangle tries to seduce Sam during a camp out by showing him the most unflattering camo underwear and doing leg splits repeatedly. Sam, like all men, takes one look at the act and just shrugs it off wanting to go to bed. It also prob doesn’t help that the Centinella is polishing the hell out of a gun and licking her lips at the horror that is a Cabella marketing idea gone horribly wrong.

War... war never changes.

Not wanting to miss up that action, Centinella decides it’s her turn to try and hit up Sam. She explains she isn’t fertile and it would be a waste, but she heard stories about his super rapey history and decides that she is just hella turned on by that. Alas, before they can begin the monster mash, Spangler cock blocks them and puts a squeeze on Sam’s balls. Classic women, I tell you.

Oddly enough, the whole plot of the movie here changes instantly and for no apparent reason as Sam and the crew talk about having to go on the reservations (Not indians. Frog people) and get out these women being held captive. Why wasn’t this told at the start? Who knows, but now there is two objectives. 

1. Bring Hell to Frogtown and rescue trapped human women.

2. Sexually assault anything female.

Eventually, the crew hears a beeping noise “FEMALE DETECTED!” jumps Spangler and thus leading one of the most akward scenes in any movie ever. Driving around at like 3AM, the crew finds a insane feral hermit like woman who is making babbling noises and the like. Chasing her down with the big pink road warrior, they almost run her down but manage to capture her, tie her up to a dirty sleeping bag, pump her full of drugs despite the nonstop frantic mumbles, and command the WWF star to do a Irish whip straight into her sensitive areas while Spangler dances in the background like some kind of autistic beatnik in her underwear. 

Oh great, hey, by the way, how do you sleep at night?

Of course, with only minor stalling, Sam goes nuts on the woman with pretty much no objections. Now, you might be thinking “Gee, all this rape is really awful. I mean, this movie is the pits. Can it get worse?” you bet it can, buddy. Guess what? If women are horrible hobbit creatures who are suffering from extreme mental trama, what’s the best cure? Why, sex of course! As the next morning our feral non-english speaking beast woman is clean, speaking perfect English, and informing the crew where to find the captured women by the frog people.

Haha, what a great message! Thanks hyper-obese virgin man child who wrote this movie.

Just a few more rapes and I think I could become a doctor!

Apparently, the frogs kind of took the whole ancient frog imagery to heart as their commander who is holding the hostages is named Toty. Our victim gives them directions and so off our heros go to ruin more lives and finally bring Hell to Frog Town.

The plan to get into the Frog City is for Sam to chain up Spangler, make her look like a shitty S&M model, and pretend she is a slave that Sam is going to sell to the frogs. Obviously a solid plan and not just a lame image for people to jack off to.  

Sadly, the frog city is just a bunch of a really shitty run down mill where the frogs wear funny steam punk costumes, read children's books about frogs, and drink while croaking about how much they hate humans all day. I can’t help but feel that ghouls from fallout were...

Mmmmm...

Nahhhhh~ Anyways. The frog people are less then happy to see Sam his sex slave. Except, oddly enough, the only frog woman at the bar who for some reason finds Sam attractive and wants to tongue punch his lilypad. At the bar, some creepy old hermit named Loonly recognizes Sam and says Hello. He  apparently is some old panhandler who Sam had business with back in the uranium dealing days .... Uh... ok. Apparently though, the neon green death dealing business isn’t that hot because Loonley is stuck in a shitty bar selling his wares to a bunch of retard frog people where he sits all day eating ground up lizard and drinking industrial waste. Anyways, despite the goofy hijinxs, Sam gets to meet a frog man wearing a fedora who is the local sex slave trader. They barter over Spangler with Sam doing his best to try and make her look appealing, while the Frog just keeping wondering if he is a good dancer or not.

Uh... going to have to disagree with you here, Sam. I saw her in the movie dancing and now the thought of women naked just doesn’t do anything for me anymore. 

The deal gets interrupted, thankfully, for everyone, as Toty’s top dog, Bull shows up and yells at people while throwing his weight around. 

The Chrono Trigger party was never the same.

Sam and Bull act like idiots to each other when Bull finally shits on the whole affair and tells Sam to fuck off. Same takes this well as he slightly slaps bulls hand and then Bull one hit K.O’s him proving that Sam is not only a rapist, idiot, and loser, but also a whimp. Bull drags off Spangler to Toty. Being dragged back to her room by the “sexy” female frog dancer,  she tries her best to seduce Sam while explaining she’s a undercover agent for the humans to bring Toty down. This method of seducing is her trying to trying to grind her hips while spitting all over his face. Sam unable to cover his revulsion, comes up with the solution of putting a bag over her face. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. 

Before the sex can start, Sam starts having the crotch beeps which means his nutsack will explode with pain if he doesn’t get closer to Spangler. With the dancer’s help, he starts heading to her direction when eventually he manages to get captured by Toty’s men for sneaking around like some kind of weirdo. Spangler, on the other hand, uh... 

Huh.

Well, I’m not sure what happens to Spangler, but after a strange dance and light rub session, the women tell her that she is to be the personal consort to commander Toty and that she needs to be prepared because she might die due to being fucked to death by a three cocked frog so she needs to be in the highest sexual arousal possible and the be as flexible and and mighty as the human body can be an -

Ughhh.

During that time, Bull takes Sam and tries to chainsaw off his cock belt by saying “Hey, we wanna more about Med Tech.” Sam escapes, punches bull, and leaves. It’s a shame, because the audience really hopes at that moment Sam would be murdered and we could get a new hero, but fate is not on our side. 

Spangler gets brought up to Toty who demands a dance. In uh... one of the most embarrassing and awkward dances I have ever seen that consists of twirling around with ones eyes closed and doing childish ballet moves, Toty claims he is satisfied and whips out his three prong dong. No one is impressed but it does lead to this amazing exchange.

“COME TO THE THREE SNAKES!!!” *Ribbit*

“I’m not going anywhere near those things.”

“NOOOOOO!!!” *Frog does a Tommy Wiseau fist pull*

Spangler kicks the frog in the balls and Sam bursts in the room shooting all the frogs to death which makes me wonder why the needed the whole sneaking in thing when they just could have had the military shoot them all to death, but whatever. The hostages are found, frogs die by being shot in the face over and over, and the future is saved - BUT WAIT! On the way back, the car is almots hit with motar fire as Comander Toty not happy ripping off 90% of Mad Max had to go that extra 10% and have a car battle with them.

You know, Mad max had more then two cars... and uh... one wasn’t pink...Also, they drove over 30 miles per hour. I mean, that’s cool and all, Whatever.

Eventually they manage to stop the lackluster action and the general from the beginning shows up demanding his revenge on Sam and all women for no apparent reason. He says it’s a women’s world now, it sucks, women suck, Sam sucks, and they pretty much can all go fuck themselves. Sam responded to this by throwing a katana at him (I’m not joking) causing him to die. Toty also dies. Sam and the babes escape and the future is saved to be raped for another day.

Ughh... I knew the writer was a sexless nerd, but this?! My god... arughhh... I curse you Sam Hell. Also, women. Also neckbeards. And Frogs. And Ghouls. And Rad Scorpions.

I don’t think a more nerdy film for losers could have ever been made. It boggles my mind - I mean, I have seen David Winters films which are less shameless. Although, despite being a horribly ugly film full of mutants and retards (And I’m not talking about the frog people) I do have to give this movie credit for the following.

 Being the inspiration to Fallout by starting:

 - Ghouls

- Poorly made characters who specialize in Katanas

- Being a omen of a large portion of the  modding community

-  Aimlessly walking around a desert where the final encounter is a brief 10 minutes.

Thanks for creating the Fallout Series, guys. I know Mad Max had some play in that game, too. But I have to hand it to Hell comes to Frogtown, without you we would have missed out on the great Fallout 1/2 and the other terrible games in the series like tactics, 3, 4, and brotherhood of steel and the majority of mods that came out for those games.

Wait a second.

[bfilmblues-blog]

Games - Breathing Fear

You play as some poorly drawn idiot who dies from vases falling over or cats running past you. The plot is that some bigger idiot made batman style fear gas in his poorly planned house and it makes people see scary things such as purple goo and absurdly long computer passwords. People die and no, you can’t pick up any of the items you obviously need, fuck you. 

The end.

I’m not even sure what to say about this awful game. I mean, I could go on about the terrible game play or the stupid puzzles or the questionably lazy endings that are somehow more lackluster then Monster A-Go-Go’s or the shitty graphics or the bland title or even the steam forum posts where autistic twelve year old kids try to talk about possible hidden endings or needing help on puzzles like “How do i dmage the cat?” I could even talk about the eye-rolling pop-scares which are somehow more boring then any other game I have ever played before... but really, I mostly want to talk about what does not constitutes as horror.

Things that are not horror: 

- Houses with nice furniture in them

- Stuff slightly tipping over.

- Long journal entries in the style of resident evil.

- Annoying and tedious game mechanics.

- 8-bit ghosts that kind of point at you while a stinger plays that sounds like a cat running across a Casio keyboard.

- Purple fog.

- Newspaper clippings

Breathing Fear is a simple game at first glance, really. You move around and look at objects. Sometimes, those objects cause you to get a fear meter raised, sometimes it doesn’t. Once in a blue moon you get a puzzle like putting items where they need to be, with such diabolic brain teasers like “Use keycard on card reader” or “Use wood in furnace.”  While this sounds easy, it’s actually the most frustrating thing in the world because Breathing Fear has a flag system put into it where items have that have an obvious solution (I.E Using sledgehammer on a discolored wall to revel a room) can’t be done until you as the player first gets to that specific part of the game. Oh sure, you can walk around the house all day and look at that hammer, but you can’t pick it up until the game finally lets you do so because you first found a pair of glasses, looked at a book, read the book, petting a dog, went camping, baked a potato, then did your taxes in order to get to the hammer section of the game.

Imagine it like this. You are on the way to work and you want to pick up some chips for lunch later. Unfortunately, as you get to the store, the clerk tells you he can’t sell you chips because you are not hungry yet. “But I’ll be hungry later and I’ll know that I want chips later!” you declare, but the clerk just stares at you in disgust, refuses to sell you the chips, then knocks a vase over which somehow kills you because it was too spooky. 

90% of what you do.

So when you are not staring at items you obviously need but can’t pick up yet, you also get the fun mechanic of randomly walking into things and dying! 

The fear meter. So, in the bottom left you have a little heart rate that goes up every time something scary happens. Scary being sitting in the dark, seeing a shark fin pass by in a lake, or watching a picture frame fall down. Once the heart rate reaches 70, your guy gets scared to death and poorly animates turning sideways and while making a free sound effect of “Eek!” in a laughable moment before dying. Once you die, you get a little cut scene where the police find your body and then laugh at you for the being the biggest wuss in the world thus making you the player feel cheated.

How do you combat this fear? Well, nothing, really. You can just try to stay out of rooms/places with certain scares. There is a few items and objects in the game that can help lower the meter by a tiny bit, such as looking at a fish tank, drinking a warm beer left in the attic and praying to the most poorly drawn picture of Jesus ever made. Unfortunately, all calming items and objects you are only able to use once, so you better get out some paper and write down how much each one gives so you can plan that perfect speed run when trying to balance out the rising meter from forced scares, or you know, you can do the sensible thing and get a steam refund.

So, this combined with the flagging system, means that game isn’t really about challenge or skill but instead about you just kind of randomly bumping around until you find a perfect path where you can avoid as many scares as possible, which is remarkably easy past the first time you do it because the jump scares never change. 

Yes, that thing at the bottom is supposed to be a key. What?

That’s right. It’s a horror game where you will see the same jump scare over and over again while planning that optimal route to the end. Oh boy, how fun. Oddly enough though, some number puzzles are randomized, but it doesn’t matter at all because due to the non-breaking linear path for completion, you can’t jump ahead and use previous codes anyways. In short, the dev who made this is retarded and somehow thought the two number puzzles needed that random effect, but not the same damn jump scares that always trigger at the same spots at the same time. Not only making his game a shitty horror game and killing any fear a player could possibly have, but also showing the dev is a complete retard who is like some kind of reverse Rembrandt that instead of making great works of art manages to put incompetence on a such a spectacular level that he could possibly be the greatest fuck up of all time.

Now, what I said may seem harsh and some people keep saying that the flaws in the game should be overlooked because “It was a game jam project!” and while that is fine and good, I actually bought this on steam for a couple of bucks. Therefore, I think the insult is justified. Also, chances are the dev’s mom is fat, ugly and very promiscuous around the harbor district. 

The story is bland, which is some scientist mom and dad chain up a hobo and inject him with Dark Knight Returns fear gas. Something something, it’s boring. Then everyone dies and the fear gas is seeping into the house, or something, I don’t know, I quit paying attention because I took about twenty naps while playing this. I mean, I guess that explains the heart rate thing, but then why is our avatars greatest fear watching cans fall over or cats run past?

So, Breathing Fear. It’s somehow worse then most Newground flash games on the horror scale, which is impressive. The game play is boring as hell, the graphics have that “I’m a hipster and can only use pixel art because I’m a untalented jerk” thing going on, and worst of all I spent three bucks on some androgynous hipster with blue hair who is not only a terrible artist, but a terrible human as well who can only produce garbage. 

If you somehow make it to the endings (Which all differ in only a slight way and all triggered right at the very end a la deus ex style button machine at the end) you get a newspaper clipping telling you what happened that somehow makes it not even rewarding enough for a standard LJN NES rom.

Ending 1 - You find a van and drive in the woods instead of the road because you are insanely stupid. Eventually a slender ghost points at you which makes no sense because there is no fear gas outside of the house, yet she manages to make you die in a car wreck. The cops find your van in the woods and laugh at you again. All in all, the best ending.

Ending 2: You escape the house because you had a cure for the fear gas antidote. After your hour of bumbling around a house for a hour, you decide to make terrible steam games and charge money for them. You have zero shame and eventually karma catches up to you where a ghost farts up your couch really bad.

Ending 3: You kind of escape the house but decide “Eha, I’m going to kill all the people who made this fear gas!” for no apparent reason, so you drive to the corporate headquarters where you die in a gun fight with a bunch of nerds.

It’s amazing when even the Friday the 13th game for the NES has better game play and more reason to replay.

The true horror is knowing you have to play a video game made by hack hipsters. 

[bfilmblues-blog]

Things

Pros: Makes you feel better about those High School drama projects you had as a kid. Some pretty memorable dialog when you can hear it. Feels like a LSD trip.

Cons: Canada still has yet to apologize.

Everytime I close my eyes and think of Canada, this is what I see.

I never really knew much about Canadians and their culture, but I always intrigued about the land of the north and film. For some reason, the backwoods of Canada always seem to have this bizarre displacement from time where everything is in the past by a good twenty years. Back in the late 90′s when kids were running around with trench coats and talking about Prodigy singles, Vancouver was still debating if Disco was a fad that was endangering the uprising hair metal boom that just appeared. In the 40′s when WWII just ended and America was trying to make PSA’s clips about youth dating etiquette and the horror of communism, Toronto was still getting down on inventing the bow and arrow to fight off the native french fur trappers still living in rabbit style burrows on the icy tundra. But nothing shows more of a displacement of time then the movie Things; where even the crew of Time Bandits would be confused at dumb randomness of it all.

Let me start you off with a small history lesson before getting into the film - The year is 1989, the USSR is pulling out of Afghanistan, New Kids On The Block is still hot, and Things is being released onto the public. This year in Canadian history is a bit fuzzy due to all the court hearings and general panic over the “Things Debacle” which caused a government shutdown, the prime minister to take his own life, and Quebec demanding for France to intervene on their behalf to restore order from the nightmare of which was independent horror films. Historians to this day try to record all the violence and chaos that happened because of Things and label it to perhaps one of the worst disasters in history, only softly beating out such other horrible events in Canada like “The rise of Rush” and “Nickleback - The great destruction”.

Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. 

Things starts off in a classic horror movie style, where we find a guy who looks like everyone’s dad (except bald) in the 70′s  being sexually tempted by a woman wearing a really shitty Halloween mask. For some reason, it seems like every single movie I watch these days always has terrible masks in it. I understand horror is a genre that usually flocks to most amateur (and unskilled) film makers because of the props can be bought from a surly fat disabled man who works at the dollar store for cheap, but just once I would like to see some effort put into the costume design, ugh. Anyways, our sad dad tells the masked woman that he needs to have a baby and to give him a baby because his wife can’t give him one. Cheap mask woman gets naked, says “Ay’ Buddy, sure!” except throw in a shitty synthesizer so it sounds like a really polite demonic Canadian robot. Sitting down and pointing to a cradle, Dad gets up, looks into a crib and gets attacked by a really shitty puppet.  

Funny story, the woman in the $2.00 (That’s like, $350,000 CAD value) mask is actually a real prostitute from Calgary, which explains her being drunk at 7:00 AM during filming.

Luckily, with the worst editing ever, we find out that a normal Canadian night at home was actually just a dream all along. We also find out that sad dad’s name is Doug and apparently him and his wife have been trying for a baby, but nothing is taking. Instead of talking about adoption or other possible methods, Doug explains to us that he had to see a voodoo doctor/serial killer in order to get magical pills to feed his wife to get her preggers. Of course, that’s that universal healthcare in Canada for you, pfff.

After feeding his wife more pills made of the ashes of dead children and blood of goats, we get to meet Don and Fred, our two heros who decided that roughing up trees and snowshoeing was enough to sate their hedonistic party lust and instead decide to visit Doug to “get some wicked beer and watch some TV”. Don looks a man who consumed nothing but Tim Hortons and vodka before being rolled into a pile of dough mixed with cat hair. Fred, on the other hand, looks normal except always has a slight whisper thing going on with all of his dialog. So, we have our heroes, the embodiment of inbreeding in the yukon and the singer of the flaming lips, decided to crash Doug's place and just be kind of slightly obnoxious in general. 

Letting themselves in, Don and Fred immediately reach for the booze in the kitchen while talking about all the spooky demonic stuff that Doug apparently collected from his appointments with his pediatrician/occult warlock. “Woah dude, look at this book. The title is a thousand brutal cuts? Gross!” which they oddly find in the Ice box of the house. Now, I’m not Canadian, but I’m sure every culture I have ever read about has not placed books in the freezer, except of course Eskimos, because it’s more of a storage space/drawer and not for perishables. After commenting about some spooky paintings (Black velvet clown, I believe?) and random demonic books/tape players, Don and Fred decide to sit on the couch and drink all of Doug’s beer while watching TV. For some reason, Don keeps commenting about Doug’s huge channel selection and is really excited because “They even get the bestiality network here!” which uh, seems like a bad idea for a network to launch or get commercial sponsors for. Also, there is a nod to a far better movie “evil dead” where our fabulous duo discover a tape player and Don comments about it:

“ How’d that movie start, that one you’re always talking about? You know, that weird one with… all those weird things?”  - The beautiful writing of beloved character, Don (Afterwards, in scene, Don then takes off his jacket and puts it in the freezer. Uh... I’m not sure why.)

I wouldn’t say weird, more like dead things, but speaking of dead things we get a scene upcoming with Amber Lynn and her acting ability.

Alas, not being able to find the bestiality network, they decide to watch the news instead where washed up ex-porn star Amber Lynn pretends to be a news anchor reading all his lines on a card to the side of the camera. She explains that the evil occult doctor who Doug is a client for (Dr. Lucas) has invented a new form of light or something that when shined on peoples brains causes them to live twice as long... I don’t get it either, but apparently the people of Canada are stoked because that means they can experience The Matrix maybe in the year 2020. 

We cut to Dr. Lucas doing his thing, hanging dead corpses all over his walls, laughing maniacally, and sawing off mummy's arms. It’s all very evil and the like, but makes me wonder why they hired such a nerd to play the ultimate evil doctor in all of Canada.

BEHOLD THE FACE OF EVIL AND LINUX! 

Dr. Lucas really has nothing else to do with this film except for show off some really bad gore effects and him trying to sound evil by snickering like Snidely fucking Whiplash every five seconds while pretending to cut off a beef jerky arm or rub a knife some puppet. So, after about ten minutes of this, we can forget him because he never comes back until the very end of the film.

Don and Fred drink and drink and talk about nothing in particular really, then Doug shows up and they drink and drink and talk about nothing in particular. There is one fascinating scene where Doug gets up and Don puts a dead fly in his ham sandwich saying something along the lines of “That will taste good in his tummy, heh heh heh.” which would sound sinister, if the Canadian accent and Don’s fruity mustache didn’t kill the mood. Also, for some reason, despite how much they love beer, Don keeps filling up his beer with Tap water. I have no idea why he does this, but he keeps remaking on how much better it tastes after adding more and more water to it. Perhaps a brief nod that Canadian beer tastes like piss and nightmares?

Finally, after eighty hours or so pass, the THINGS finally attack, and boy do they look great.

Hide your cookie crumbs and pizza crusts, my 3rd grade art project is back.

Beautiful, right? The killer ants appear and start making a ruckus by kinda twitching in place and bumping into walls, acting more confused about the situation then filled with blood lust. How did they come, you ask? Well, apparently, the wrong prescription got sent to the wrong lady because those voodoo pills caused Doug’s wife to explode ants all over the room in a scene that was visibly trying to rip off Alien, but instead looks more like a Benny Hill sketch then anything. Doug and Don run off into the kitchen and wonder where Fred went. “Oh, he imploded and went into the 5th, 6th, or 7th dimension.” concludes Don as he nonchalantly drinks a beer wondering what to do in a situation like this, saying the reason for Fred’s bogus trip is because “He spontaneously combustive or something, I dunno, I read about something like that.”

We are supposed to believe Don can read? Haha, that’s gold.

Now, I have seen movies do things like “Oh, X vanished because of the monster!” or “X is out doing this and we just can’t show it” but never in a movie have I heard of a character random combustion and ending up in another dimension. Hell, I would have just preferred someone saying in a DR line saying “Fred isn’t in this scene because we forgot to put him on set, whoops.” But man, another dimension, huh? That’s a real head scratcher. 

Speaking of the audio, I know it’s late to bring up but it feels like every single line in this movie was dubbed. Curiously, the outside sound picks up alright, but every single line in the film feels like it was redone on a one take in a editing studio outside of town. I’m not sure why they did this, but explains why a bunch of the dialog seems never match the scene or why the whole movie looks like a really bad kung-fu flick. 

Don and Doug talk and Doug explains that he went to a doctor to artificially impregnate Susan, the doctor also was the devil or a hobgoblin or a wizard or something which caused Susan to shoot goofy paper mache ants from her womb. Don responds to this in the most odd way I have ever seen in any movie ever, going into this dialog which hurts my brain to this day.

Don: "I read a story once about something weird like this, it was a sci-fi novel about a couple of teenagers who had nothing better to do one summer then kill the neighborhood boy named Harold. Along with everybody else in the Scottish town, they all thought he was weird, in his ways. A few times he was observed near the lake shore eating raw fish that he’d caught on his fishing rod.When he was young they all bothered him because he was as thin as a toothpick. As he got older, they laughed at him because he was fatter than a fridge.One of the boys took a hammer to Harold’s head…the claw of the hammer! The other slashed his stomach open with a machete.Harold died from blows to the head. But it wasn’t until the machete slashed him opened that he smiled. The first time the boys had ever seen him smile. At that instant…out of the flames of hell, a large serpent like beast burst out of Harold’s bloody stomach and devoured both killers! And proceeded to consume everyone else in the town that it set its eyes upon. It had a hunger that couldn’t be satisfied until it ate every torso in the town."

First of all, this is nothing like this, second of all, what kind of story is that? So a skinny kid who then turned into a fat kid was killed - in a single summer? Was there devil demonic ants in this story? How about a doctor using the occult to impregnate a woman? That story was just bullshit and have nothing to do with anything! Also, it took place in one summer, how did a Harold grow older and gain all that weight? Why did they kill him? Anyways, a whole town got dem’ torso’s ate and died, whatever, fuck.

Anyways, they talk about what could possibly be done and due to the phone lines being out for some reason and the woods being too scary, they decide to camp out until tomorrow in the house with the monsters.... Uh, then after a hearty Canadian breakfast of doughnuts, booze, and solid fat they will  head to Dr. Lucas and perhaps get a refund and STRONGLY scold the doctor for the whole wife exploding thing (Unlike american protagonists who would murder Dr. Lucas with some bad ass machine guns, we have to see the Canadian way of conflict resolution). Also, another news break happens on the TV where Amber Lynn looks at a cue card WAY too far off side and says with the most bland effort possible - “ 

“Fourteen days have passed since Brooklyn residents Don Drake and Fred Lewis were last seen alive. Police are investigating a tip from a New Jersey woman who says she saw them murdered by a gang of bikers and dumped into the Atlantic Ocean. At the moment it is only speculation. More details will follow soon.”

Brooklyn? Second, 14 days? I thought it had only been a single day! What happened, movie?! My guess is America was the supposedly going to be the setting so the movie could be more marketable, but only one trip to the editing room and the financier of this shit would just take the reel out to burn in a desert hole somewhere so I guess they let a few mistakes in. And just like warping into the 5th dimension, the lights go out and thus begins the long epic tale of trying to find the circuit box. 

Look, man. I know a thing or two about cameras, that’s way too far.

Don and Doug kind of just wander around the house doing nothing exciting except for killing a few ants and talking about how shitty things are. They both make way into the bathroom where they take turns doing shots of whiskey out of paper cups. Doug starts whining, so Don takes his cup and pours on his head saying “Calm down, hooser~”. Jeez, Don, the dude saw his wife explode, his house filled with evil ants, and apparently Fred burned to death and ended up in another dimension, cut him some slack.

Eventually after a thrilling sequence of both brothers wandering down hallways and flushing a ant down the toilet, they make it downstairs to the circuit box where Doug gets attacked by one of the creatures, so Don hits him in the back of the head with a hammer by accident and knocks him out. Eventually, Don gets the power back and drags his half-awake brother up the stairs while whining the whole time, only for them to sit around and drink more whiskey. As Doug prepares for another booze session, it’s rudely interrupted by one of the creatures who bites off Doug's hand. 

Gotta hand it to you, Doug (Tee hee). Seems like a pretty terrible day (14?) for you.

Don decides the only way to help Doug is to wrap his hand in toilet paper and then light it on fire... Uh... which kills him. I mean, yeah, it was a terrible idea, but somehow after yelling at Don “To get the morphine from the basement” Doug straight up dies for no reason. 

Hm - This reminds me of a sci-fi tale about a boy named... Jarold. See, it was in old London where he ate raw rabbits and -

In a fit of rage or just boredom because all the booze is gone, Don grabs a power drill and drills the hell out of a couple of puppets.  With the fury that only losing the province hockey match could provide, he actually manages to kill quite a bit of them until somehow running into Fred. Instead of being like “Hey, Fred, you are back!” or “What the hell happened to you?” they just kinda nod at each other and silently focus on getting rid of the THINGS. Now, despite the amazing return of Fred and his exciting trip into another dimension, we have to say Goodbye because he dies in the next scene as he is pushed into a room and ate by a couple of ant creatures. While being ate, he cries about the experience saying “I hate you little assholes” and “Give me back my eye, jerk!”. Right before that, though. We do get this great clip of Amber Lynn reading the news again.

Don Drake and Fred Lewis were surprised to find out today that they were being sought after in a nationwide manhunt after they were reported missing 14 days ago. They checked into a hotel in Dallas and an off-duty security guard noticed the two checking out and was quickly told off by the two who said they were travelling across the United States to visit a relative…So much for privacy in the good old U. S. of A.

DAMN YOU PATRIOT ACT in 1989! Why is it that the USA, the supposedly land of freedom, is such bullshit when it comes to missing people and man hunts?! So, man hunt off, I guess. Also, I suppose that explains the 14 day thing, but still, it begs the question why anyone on this planet would want to hunt for Don and Fred. I mean, I hate to side with the ant creatures on this, but who would miss them? Not humanity, that’s for sure. 

Dr. Lucas eventually pops into the home the next day to check on Susan, when he finds Don sitting on the couch covered in ant guts and blood. Lucas seems oddly calm about all the various fluids all over the walls and asks if he can see Susan, to which Don rightfully gets angry and blames him for all the murder and mayhem that has occurred last night. Lucas replies with “Uh, huer- let me see this monsters then, ay?” like some kind of fucking idiot with a bad mustache so Don walks around showing him various blood, guts, and parts pretty much everywhere. Lucas laughs at this and says “Oh, you must be a murderer who did all this. There was no creatures, was there?” Either fumed about the situation or Lucas’s legendary bad acting, he throws the doctor in the bathroom where he gets ate by some remaining ants. Lucas screams “Oh no! These soulless creatures are eating me.” with all the excitement of watching grass grow. With everyone in the house dead or ant like, Don leaves the home only to run down a river screaming for help like an idiot until he hits a bridge and finally gets to yell at cars rather then trees and black bears.

Who pops out of the vehicle? Some hick who offers to bring him to Doctor Lucas. Great - But it’s all a dream! - Don wakes up and fights Dr. Lucas who crawled out of his ant filled murder toilet and attempts to get revenge, but alas that’s just a dream too.

Instead, we see Don sitting around doing nothing but mumbling to himself. Then this pops up.

What a ride.

[bfilmblues-blog]

Video Games - Mad Father

Imagine if you will that your friend is coming over for your birthday party and he keeps telling you about how awesome his present is. You keep hearing nonstop about how much you will enjoy it, how much time he spent getting it for you, the wonders of how this present will change your life.

With sweaty hands and licking your lips, you open the box and there is nothing in it besides anthrax. That’s Mad Father in a nutshell. 

Warning, contains shitty anime.

I was fooled. Yes, I saw it was a RPGmaker game and yes, it’s horror so right away I knew it was going to be garbage, but I always come into these things looking at reviews and like hoping that, maybe, just maybe, this is a diamond in the rough. 

Instead of a diamond, I found a terrible game that crashed my system countless times. Oh boy.

The horror of stupid kids playing video games.

So, let me lay this one on you, partners. This game is about a child who’s father is a evil mad scientist (Or doctor? Or Doll collector?) that turns people into dolls. Why? Because that way they can be “BEAUTIFUL FOREVER MUAHAHAHA!” or something insanely retarded. It’s a classic trope really, but the thing that always is bothersome about a plot like this is that no one in any form of real life is scared of people obsessed with dolls. I mean, sure, there is that creepy guy at the grocery store that fucks dolls and tells you about it while bagging your groceries, but he wouldn’t harm you. No, instead, he just spends 90% of his time online talking about how to budget his welfare checks on better wigs for his plastic girlfriend. 

So, have dolls ever been scary? For some reason, Japan and horror always have this thing where children, ghosts, and dolls are scary. First of all, none of that shit is scary. 

LOOK INTO THE FACE OF EVIL AND FEAR MORTAL

The story begins like this. You play Aya, a 11 year old Japanese girl who lives in a castle with her scientist father (Classic japan home) that is filled with nothing but barrels and random crates filled with gems and RPG herbs. Aya’s mother died from NPC disease or... perhaps MURDER! Regardless, Aya loves her dorky robot father so much and we see flashbacks of them kinda walking around, mumbling around how great it is to be a family, blah blah blah. It’s shit writing and we don’t feel any connection for the characters and instead are told their emotions.

Aya: I LOVE MY DAD BECAUSE HE IS MY DAD

Evil dad: Yes, I feel the same, daughter.

Aya: We sure are a happy family.

Evil dad: Indeed. We both love each other very much.

We never see why they have a good relationship and it’s all the more unbelievable when Aya can hear screaming and people being murdered every single night in her castle torture room/basement. 

Aya’s mom died from the horror of her titties being far too amazing.

So one night after the normal bullshit of rape, murder and talking about how much family life rules, ghosts invade the castle. Now, imagine if you will that you were kidnapped by some insane doctor who murdered the ever loving shit out of you - You are a now a ghost, you want to get revenge, what do you do?

If you said “Walk around hallways bumping into things and doing nothing nonstop” then this game might be for you. The majority of corpses and ghosts kinda just wander around the whole time. If you touch one, you get a small ding off a HP bar, woooo-- The excitement. It isn’t all just slight NPC brushing, the creators decided while that game play could consist of 90% of the game, there is also some terrible puzzles to do! Yay! 

Noooo, you might have to press the up and down key sometimes!

So, the objective if you can believe this and despite the ghosts telling you nonstop how much of a shitty asshole your father is for murdering them and turning some of them into love dolls, you have to rescue him him from the zombies/ghosts/item shop merchants from getting revenge and eating your dad. 

What a motivation boost, right? 

So, despite not offering anything to the player, you randomly walk around the house and collect keys, ladders, and ham in order to proceed further into the game where some ghost yells about your dad. It’s very tiresome and boring, with puzzles like “Count how many dolls are in this room” and “Use lamp to light up a dark room.”

I can’t help but feel this MAD DAD ain’t really that scary.

Eventually, as you find the will to power past annoying object finding, the story continues where we find out Aya’s mom one day back years ago found out her father was cheating on her with a hobo woman he picked off the street. Oh, also, he was going to turn his daughter into a doll. For some reason, Mom and the hobo lady talk about how much they love evil mad scientist dad and how attractive and powerful and charming he is... uh... but if you look at the screen shot above, I just don’t see it. I mean, this nerd ain’t really got a Chippendale dancer body and most of his dialog makes him sound like a autistic loser who would be taking selfies wearing a top hat and drinking red wine, but ok. Mom confronts him, he kills her by stabbing her to death, hobo woman sees the whole thing and both women talk about how much they love nerdlinger despite the doll/murder thing going on.

Aya, despite once again knowing all this, decides she still has to save father because she loves him so much! 

Now, when you are writing a character, you need to make them so the audience/players don’t get shut out because choices are so laughably unrealistic and they can’t relate at all to them . Second, characters need to be grounded in reality to some degree, you can’t have a Stephen Hawking looking dork who murders people and talks like “BEEP BOOP I DO SCIENCE INVOLVING BARBIE DOLLS” to be a charismatic manipulator and UGHHAHGH I hate this fucking game.

That day when you find your hobo love, bring her home, chain her in your basement next to a corpse then make her into your mistress/assistant.

As you get further into the game and get yelled about by more ghosts, you finally get to the ending choice where it basically boils down to if you want to save your murderous father or let your ghost mom take him to hell with her. You would think the correct choice would to let evil dad go, but no, my friend! That’s the bad ending! You see, if you do that, then hobo lady stabs you in the face and makes it so she continues the doctors work and makes people into dolls... once again, why? Who knows, apparently that’s what happens if you love a hobo. You get attached, you get them into the human doll experiment field, and suddenly they are running the place. Typical.

Yes, you get a chain saw. Yes, it’s only to collect items and can’t be used for anything else. Fucking great.

In the second ending, if you let dad live, he says “HAHAHA NOW I AM GOING TO TURN YOU INTO A DOLL OR MAYBE A DOG-DOLL HAHAHAHA!” talking forever about how he can take animals or some dumb shit and use their parts to make dolls. It’s all stupid and everything, but then a chase sequence happens and you run forever down shitty hallways while avoiding him like the other ghosts from slightly brushing up against you to only have a small barbie doll grab you by the leg and dad cutting off  Aya’s face with a chainsaw.

Oh well, have fun being sold to a huge fat pedophile on disability.

There is apparently another ending when you and hobo lady escape, dad dies, the castle burns down and then Aya takes up her fathers idea of turning women into dolls which is stupid as shit. I would post screen shots of the ending, but I just can’t be asked considering to get that ending you need to collect gems and push boxes into right spots. 

In conclusion, dolls are not scary. Japan is not scary. What happened to you, Japan? You used to be cool. Remember Clock Tower? Man, that was a cool game and it was scary. Remember things like House? Awesome movie.

You changed, Japan. I’m sorry, we can no longer be friends. Oh, did I mention the game is like a hour long?

[bfilmblues-blog]

Asylum of Terror

Pros: You pretty much get to see everything a budget haunted house in the middle of Oklahoma could possibly be and more. The guy who plays the MC-Devil at the start is pretty entertaining.

Cons: This isn’t a movie, because movies require a plot or story of some kind. Has some of the most unattractive breasts I have ever seen in any media, ever and I have seen “Masters of the erotic Sumo, Vol 23″.

AHHHHH I HAD TO WATCH THIS WHOLE MOVIE AHHHHHHHH

Now, I’m not a fancy film maker guy who has much knowledge in how movies are produced and made, but I do believe that movies require a couple of things to them.

Images and sound - Now, Asylum of terror has these...Kind of. While I have seen some b-horror films where 90% of it was filmed by a $2.00 K-Mart camera in a dark room with no lighting, you get a good 99% of that here in Asylum of terror. The director, George Demick (Director) said “Hey, this blackness stuff isn’t doing the trick to make it scary enough! Instead of just blackness, how about we add a bunch of annoying color filters of the lens as well and make every scene confusing to the audience?” While this was a poor decision, I have to say the follow up decision to record all the sound on the hand-held cam dash and never to capture any of the dialog by keeping it as far away as possible from the actors was also all on the part of George Demick and an even bigger disaster. Half of the movie is inaudible and even a highly trained transcription team would be shaking their heads at most of the audio in here. 

 A plot - The plot from what I can gather is that kids walk around a haunted house and some of them die. The killer, who thinks he may be in a movie, is also the ghost of a child molester (Despite a scene where I am 100% sure he is anti-child molesting) or some just large chunky guy who peaked in high school and really dislikes haunted house attendees. Despite watching this movie twice, I still can’t figure out the killers motivations or background, but I do know that his mustache, mullet and double chin doesn’t work with a Lee Crow mask. 

“Sup, young people? Have you seen a little known movie staring Bruce Lee’s kid?”

The movie starts off with shots of bad Halloween masks hit with a pencil sketch filter in Photoshop while annoying music plays. They are not good horror masks or even interesting horror masks - they are kind of dumpy masks. You know those cheap Halloween sections at the one dollar store? It’s those kind of masks - Also, for some reason one of the masks isn’t a mask at all and just some fat dude rolling his eyes while making a goofy face. Oddly enough, all these masks (And fat guy) cause a bit more fear then our actual killer, but I’ll get to that later. After what seems like 10 years or so of looking at the worst discount Halloween store in the world we get to our first shots of total blackness which I believe to be parking outside the haunted house. 

Now, I get it. You want to establish the scene and do some shots of the parking lot to prove once and for all that haunted houses have parking, but perhaps you need to take a look at your lighting when the only thing you can make out from your movie is random black blobs kinda shuffling around next to other black blobs. Speaking of blobs, we cut to a scene where kids are making out in a car, one which looks like a Hanson boy band member and the other looking like every 90′s teenager compacted into a saggy pile of dough. The make-out scene in this movie feels way too long and has a really odd shot where after the most sloppy kissing of all time happens for a good eternity or two, we see a shirt pull up and see some skin, but before this can turn into a really awful cinema late piece, the only jump scare in the whole movie happens where a kid bangs on the car and goes “Balehgf!” which I assume is kind of like boo, if you were having a stroke. This scene feels oddly forced as when the shirt does come up, the camera focuses on only nipples for a good ten or so seconds.

Making out teenager 1: “What the hell, man?”

Jump Guy: “Ha! That’s haunted houses for you!”

Indeed. 

The kid who thankfully interrupted another Oklahoma teen pregnancy is part of a group and they are all getting together to check out DEATH ROW! - a haunted house that was a prison or jail or mental asylum or diary queen before a fire scorched a good portion of the inside of it supposedly. Despite people nonstop claiming a fire happened at this location, there is never any signs of fire damage, but if you like really shitty dusty factories and tons of hallways, well this building has it in spades. It’s about time I introduce the our main characters:

Teen 1 though 5 - I have no idea. They never say names and if they did I can’t hear them. They all should be in a 90′s commercial about sports drink.

Two stupid small children - A fat ugly child and his brother are standing in line screaming every five second about how much the haunted house sucks (It does.) but how much they want to go into it at the same time. The mom pusses out and says “Oh gee, oh my, can’t we get a toy or something instead?” and finally gives up trying to convince them and instead  hangs back near the entrance to smoke a cig and ponder about how these two horrible mutants have ruined her life.

The killer - Doughy ex-football player who when suffering a terrible brain injury decided that he needed to wipe out all the ugly people in Oklahoma. At least, that’s what I would have wrote, instead I’m not sure on who this guy is or any of his motivations. He seems to love mullets, horror movies, and stabbing people ineffectively as it takes usually twenty or so minutes of knife thrusts from this guy to kill anyone. 

Some loser - This guy is waiting in line at the haunted house with the teenagers and talks about how he keeps going to haunted houses with friends but always ends up being ditched before they go in together. He also tries to tell them he’s excited to go by himself though because it “Heightens the horror”. He also gives away the movie in the first two seconds by saying “Wouldn’t it be scary if there was an escaped killer who sneaked into a haunted house and killed people and people couldn’t tell because like, they were in a haunted house and thought it was part of the act?” In short, insufferable asshole to not only the audience, but the other characters in the movie as well.

A fat guy and his blind ugly wife - Enough said. 

Two horny guys - Two horny guys who talk about coping feels from girls in the dark and being jerks nonstop. Sad the movie didn’t talk about the hidden homosexual desire they both share for each other. The only scene these doofus shine in is where during a maze scene they awkwardly bump hips into the same woman over and over again while laughing like retards.

Dean - The lead manager of the haunted house. Looks kind of like Jim Carry mixed with inbred southern breeding. Let’s women get stabbed and does nothing about it. Has a knowledge about everything and everything regarding haunted houses; and yet for some reason people think this is impressive.

Deans assistant - Oddly attractive. Doesn’t say much and loves to bust out metal pipes on a bro.

While everyone gets into line and discuss if haunted houses are scary or not (Hint: They are not) we finally get into a conversation between some of the random teenagers and a random extra who will never be seen in the movie again. Now, the audio once again is somehow worse then Axe Em’, so I managed to make this out of the conversation.

Teenager 1: Woah, dude. Did you know that this place used to be an insane asylum until it burned down and only one survivor was in it, but he went insane, broke out the hospital a few miles away from here, and now the police are looking for him?

Teenager 2: Phas~ Totes bummer. Killing is not very rad. I hope he doesn’t show up here.

Random Extra: Yeah, but what makes this different from war and killing people? Those were justified, maybe he is too, if you think about it. Blood, murder, these are all concepts man, concepts that are like, no different from being a hunter among the prey, do we treat wild life like mad men? Nay, for they are but doing instinct. (Said with the most southern drunken slur possible).

Teenager 1: Ok man, cool.

The random extra, who looks like a NASCAR fan with a serious case of bad depression and infant alcoholism, looks disappointed at the teenagers for thinking his faux-philosophical speech isn’t cool and instead stares at the ground day dreaming about his favorite horse to sodomize while consuming a can of skoal. Finally, after countless white noise we get to the best scene in the movie where they all enter the haunted house and the guy playing the devil puts on a act explaining the rules of the house (Stay on the path, don’t touch the actors, blah blah blah). I mean, it isn’t the BEST performance ever, but this guy seriously is a 1000x times better actor then anyone else in the garbage. Hell, in real life, he would be pretty entertaining and fun to be around, but alas due to this movie being terrible we skip by him quite fast. 

One thing you notice during this whole set-up is randomly a evil laugh sound effect is played at various moments. See a fat guy wearing a mask? Spooky laugh. Some kid buying ice cream? Same laugh. Man eating pasta alone in his bedroom? That laugh. It’s poorly placed but I guess when you bought that one sound effect, well by god, you are going to use it only 500 or so times.

Good night sweet prince, we hardly knew you.

The first act in the haunted house is quite possibly the most gay vampire of all time rises from a coffin, kinda spits at people, and stands there doing nothing. Seriously, he just gets up and kinda stares at people. No one is impressed or scared, one of the guys yells “AH! Count Fag-ula!~ Suck my dick!!!” and a little kid says “Booo! You suck.” All in all, a great start to this haunted house. Now, bad haunted house acts blow, but nothing blows more then watching a disappointed audience in a movie watch a bad haunted house act.

Meanwhile, the killer finally shows up and see’s some employee in a Jason mask swinging around a machete. He takes it, kills the guy by stabbing him off screen, and then picks up as his mask and wears it. After that, he kind of just walks around looking left to right for a good portion of time.

This is pretty much the whole plot of the film. Killer wanders around forever, finds some guy doing jack shit, stabs him or her 100 times off screen and takes whatever stupid prop or mask they have. From what I can gather, the haunted house tour is this.

Room 1: See a stupid vampire who isn’t scary.

Room 2: Get molested by drunk dudes in a children's maze that takes about ten minutes of walking around in a gigantic circle.

Room 3: Have some hayseed pretend to run a chainsaw, then runs out.

Room 4: Watch some idiot grab a audience member plant and pretend to kill them by lightly touching their neck with a brush.

Room 5: Walk around a boring ass hallway forever and eventually get to the end.

During this whole time, we see Dean and his new assistant run around and talk about how haunted houses are amazing and how much fun it is to work in one and blah blah blah it’s so fucking boring. Like, have you ever had a friend who tells you about his terrible job and just will not shut up about it? Imagine whatever he or she did and replace that with haunted house and corn dogs. Yippie.

Eventually we get something different where the Killer stumbles upon a old prison room where he meets some guy who seems important to the plot.

Finally, we created the ultimate carnival worker... half beef jerky, half man.

From what I can tell, he seems to be a ghost who used to stay in the same prison/asylum or whatever as the killer, but they aruge about horror movies and who is the best killer. The mummy ghost says “Freddie Kruger is the best!” and the killer says “No way, that guy was a pedophile!” which makes me wonder why everyone was talking about the killer being a psychotic child diddler, or why the imdb page says the movie is about “A ghost of a child molester seeks revenge” but whatever. Anyways, they both chat but we can’t hear shit due to the terrible audio when finally the killer screams “THIS IS MY MOVIE!” and lights him on fire... which uh... not sure what that has to do with anything, but ok. I am pretty sure there was some important plot point here about fire or about the killer but instead the audio background drowns it all out with this annoying bubble/synthesizer sound that plays over and over again. 

Normally, I would describe the rest of the movie scene by scene, but it’s just so boring, instead here is some random highlights of incompetence by Demick.

- During a sex scene, two ugly people wearing underwear rub against each other while a fat woman repeats a “Ohgmah~” style gurgle every two seconds. Before you think this woman will crush the poor dude she is riding and result in a extra body count tick, the killer kills them both, but not before we see about ten minutes of a topless fat lady prance around a dirty hallway while trying not laugh the whole time.

- The rare horror movie moment where two of the brats run into the killer and tells him he sucks. The killer grabs one and drops him from a stairwell which kills the lesser-fat one. Now, killing kids in movies is a pretty rare event and most horror movies don’t touch it, unfortunately with Demick he even fucks up trying to be edgy by having the a flash back scene that reflects on all the kills and it shows the kid pretending to be dead by making a goofy face at the camera and breathing nonstop while trying not laugh.

- The killer finds a kid with a dumb mask and a ice pick. Instead of killing this guy, he takes both of them and just kind of walks off, which makes me wonder why that guy was sparred when he seems to just murder the hell out of everyone else.

- A kid who runs at people with a chainsaw is talking to another worker about how he needs to improve his act by “Cleaning all the blood off his chainsaw” which, I don’t know, it seems that blood on a chainsaw would be a good thing for a haunted house, but what do I know?

- The fat blind lady is almost grabbed by a zombie(?) but the killer steps in, grabs the zombie, and leaves the smelly fat blind lady alone. What a nice guy! Was the zombie evil? Was it part of the act? If it was part of the act, why was some kid trying to grab a blind lady? Who knows?

- With my significant other, we often talk about how due to racist stereotypes black men usually die first in horror movies. Not the case in this one, it actually goes one step further where instead of being the first to die, the killer grabs him from a group of people and hangs him while the most skeezy southern rat-tailed man says “Howdy! This here house is AWESOME!” clapping the whole time. Oh no! It’s just like the prophecy that autistic pathetic loser in the beginning said?!

Anyways, the finale starts up and Dean and his assistant and just cruising around still talking about haunted houses, the economics of haunted houses, which haunted houses are best in the area, and before the audience can commit suicide we shift scenes to where they suddenly discover a worker has been chainsawed! Oh no! Dean pukes on the floor and both of them run away from the killer who magically found them. After running nonstop, they find a jail cell to hide in where Dean wraps a belt around the bars and pulls back so he can keep the door closed.

For some reason, yes, this works against the killer. Why he doesn’t just reach in and cut the belt... or why doesn’t he, I don’t know, pull the door is beyond me. Anyways, after trying to briefly stab them for a few minutes, he gives up and walks and the corner.

Ughh, no more pasta, mom...

Dean’s assistant starts putting on her daddy pants, breaks a pipe from the cell they are in, and says they need to put a hurt on this dude. Pretty bad-ass, really. Dean instead whines about how this all sucks, whines he doesn’t have anything to defend himself with, and finally after whining about every single thing in the universe he pulls out a pretty large pocket knife. Looks like we are on to a heavy action scene folks wh- Nope, two steps out from the cell, the assistant gets stabbed, dean gets stabbed and falls down, and the assistant hobbles like a mile down shitty hallways then finally gets the ever loving hell stabbed out of her.

Dean, meanwhile, gets back up and - Wait, Dean, I get it, your assistant was kind of annoying, but to let her die while you took a small power nap on the floor? Rude, dude. Well, moving on, he gets back up and after what seems like an eternity of running, they make it on the roof where Dean and the killer fight while the killer says stupid lines like “You are slowing my body count! How am I going to get to hollywood!?” and “My movie! My rules!” - Which uh... you know what? Fuck it. Maybe he is the ghost of a child molester, but also maybe he wanted to really be in a shitty horror film? It could be both, I guess.

Dean gets punched about a thousand times and thrown off the roof landing outside the haunted house. Still alive, Dean has to come up with a plan. Let’s say you are in this situation, what do you do?

A). Run away, find the nearest phone and call the police?

B). Warn everyone near you and outside the house about the events that occured and seek help?

C). Run back inside the house and look for the killer while coughing and wheezing every five seconds?

If you picked C, congratulations! You might have the intellectual level to be the next haunted house event manager! (Shamefully, I admit this is still better then an English degree) Dean wanders around till he finally meets up with the killer again.  After yet another running scene, Dean finds a chainsaw and before he can get it running, the killer beats him up some more, oh no! But then the fat kid who’s brother died comes back and stabs the killer with a ice pick! With that distraction, Dean finally gets the saw running and slams the hell out of a coconut in a wig, thus stopping the killer for good.

He kind of looks like Ash. That’s the best thing I can say about this movie.

After the killer drops, Dean looks at the fat kid and says “Can you help me out of here?” and then leans on him despite him being like, 3′2. The end.

What can I say about Asylum of Terror? Well, it sucks, but it doesn’t just suck, it’s just ripping off every shitty horror film I have ever seen. I’m not even going to get into the audio and visuals, that’s a whole other thirty paragraphs. When not painting by the numbers, the actors themselves really seem like high school amateur theater, at best. 

I really can’t even recommend it as a b-film, because there isn’t anything really funny about the film. If you love walking scenes, complete shit and the insides of haunted house work culture, then hoo-boy, this film is for you. 

[bfilmblues-blog]

Corpse Party - The most boring video game of all time?

People have told me that horror in video games just isn’t scary anymore. This is true, but they are missing the point that video games were NEVER scary. Often, I hear things like “Oh, Silent Hill 2 was scary because it had DEEP STORYTELLING in it” or “Alone in the dark? That really made you feel like you were alone… in uh… the dark. I don’t know. Last time I played a video game was in 1992.” but it just wasn’t true. Nothing was ever terrifying in the world of video games. 

Silent Hill 2 had you putting packets of juice down laundry shafts to push keys and Alone in the Dark required you to have the most powerful computer of all time back in the day (Hey kids, those voodoo cards were not cheap) to see a really wonky block man swing a stick at a pirate.

Fast forward to the future where we have sex robots, flying cars, and our dog is being cloned for the family once again, yet we still do not have a decent horror game. The most popular horror game out today is a shitty IOS game that plays like a old CD Saturn classic - Night Trap - a game where you have to close two doors. What happens if you don’t close the door? OH NO A SCARY PUPPET SCREAMS AT YOU! 

The face that haunts a thousand retarded 12 year old children.

So, horror has never really been done right in video games. Sure, there is people who to this day are scared by games like Amnesia (AHHH A MONSTER SOMETIMES BUMPS INTO YOU!) and DayZ where you walk around bored out of your mind for hours until a 15 year old Portuguese child shoots you in the face and calls you a fag nonstop while teabagging you, but I asked some really hardcore horror fans what the best horror video game was and I kept getting one answer. “Dude, Corpse Party is the most SCARY!!! game of all time.”

First off, I would like to point out two things.

1. Nothing in Corpse Party is scary.

2. I’m not even sure if Corpse Party is a game.

It feels more like a novel you read and the only branching choices are if you choose to run into MSpaint ghosts or not who often bore you to death. The odd thing is right when booting up the game for the first time, you can pick which chapter to start on.  

PREPARE FOR CORPSES (and a ton of reading)

The game opens up in black with a bunch of random cartoon sans font letters saying things like “SANCHI IS THE BEST” and “SHE WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR ME!” which really makes me hungry for Chinese food for some reason because I’m pretty sure Sanchi is that spicy mustard sauce no one ever eats besides me in the bag. 

After a long boring opening that isn’t worth talking about, we get to the game play and -

THE HORROR OF A MIDDLE SCHOOL ANIME DRAWINGS!

Now, I have to admit, anime does scare me quite a bit and the thought of playing a deviant art game for more then ten minutes is terrifying, but alas… I really, really, really wanted to see the real horror that supposedly was in this game that didn’t come from bad drawings of Goku slam dunking a ghost.

The plot goes something like this: Back in the day there was a school that was built on a Indian burial ground built on a orphanage that was home to mentally insane babies and built on a world war II prison camp that was also built on pet cemetery. One day, some kid murdered some other kids because they made fun of her criticizing the final fantasy series in Japan, which is impressive because this child was like only 7 years old and when your staff and students get owned by a 7 year old, perhaps it’s time to wonder where everything went wrong. After a terrible murder spree and some old teacher falling down the stairs the school was closed up and no one went there ever again. After sitting there for a long time, people decided “Eha, what’s the point of having a abandoned murder school?” and built another school on top of that school. That’s Japanese space management for you.

So, cut to present day and we are introduced to our characters. I say characters lightly, because honestly, these kids might be more cut out cardboard then most slasher flick body piles I have ever seen. Instead of showing your their anime faces, I have decided to take old slasher film actors photos with random stock images thrown in to make them more relatable to us gajin from the west. Also, because I can’t remember what face matched which name.

1. The leader guy - Main character. Often whines all the time. Wants to protect his sister from spooky ghosts. 1 out of 10 on the Japanese scale.

2. The leader guys sister - Annoying. Looks to be about 4 year olds. Constantly talks about her brother and how much she wants to have sex with him. Has an ending where upon being stabbed asks her brother to finger her in a ghost filled bathroom before passing away. Obviously the authors favorite fap material. 10 out of 10 on the Japanese Scale.

3. Some douche with purple hair who talks about being a senpai class president and how important student government is nonstop, wanks off to the idea of being owned by ghosts because he is a pervert or something. Once again has purple hair. 110 out of 10 on the Japanese Scale

4. A lesbian who wants sex all the time. Talks about sex, butts, assholes, dildos, and sex. Is almost as annoying as #2 but inhabits the neck-beard gene despite being a anime woman. Will never shut up ever and is the “comedy relief” despite not being funny or interesting. 8 out of 10 on the Japanese scale. Thankfully, she dies very quickly.

#5 - 10? No idea. the rest were so bland I forgot they even existed or what they do. I know they are students and are Japanese, but I can’t remember anything about them at all.

So now that you are caught up, our characters decide to play a game where apparently if you hold a paper doll and chant some stupid thing, you all then rip off a piece of paper, you become friends forever. This is something that has always bothered me about Japan. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not one who is really knowledgeable on Japanese culture or anime, but what is the deal with the theme of "Friendship is the most important thing ever!" that soaks into every single cartoon and video game I see from the land of overpriced watermelons? Like, I get it, everyone loves friends and friendship is great and who doesn't love the touching friendship of friends who do friendly things together while holding hands in the afterglow of so much friendship, but why is Japan dead set on thinking friendship is the ultimate weapon against evil?

Like, I have friends who I can't trust with $20. I don't think our friendship is going to conquer ghosts, RPG bosses, and anime mutants. I don't even know if our friendship can conquer a free dinner date at Arbys, but it's pretty bizarre how much many times the theme of "friendship conquers all" seems to be the main message in all Japanese video games I ever manage to play.

Back to the paper doll event, this might be a old Japanese school game that elementary  kids do and the like, but apparently it is the key to open a portal into the ghost dimension because as soon as they do it, an earthquake happens (Damn you shitty Japanese architecture!) and they fall into a pit where they all wake up in the hell/ghost school where everything is dark and filled with nonstop space bar pushing to move the scene along.

And thus, begins the game fully. When I say game, I mean, the ability to walk around looking at things and hitting space bar over and over again. This is where Corpse Party fits the title line because it's game play only a corpse could enjoy (Hurr hur hurrrr). About 90% of the game consists of the following steps.

Aimlessly walk around at look at newspaper clippings which give you some boring story about a murder that occurred.

Watch a poorly drawn character talk to another poorly drawn character about how much being trapped in a school full of ghosts sucks.

While this would be alright if the script was decent, it's anything but. I decided to post some of my favorite quotes from Corpse Party, which I believe shows the quality of the writing in this game.

"Wh-what... Why... Why is there a dead person here?!" "W-Wait. Let me look at them more closely. Maybe... They're not realy..." "They really are.... Somebody's bones..." "Noooo...!"

See those ellipses and poor spelling? Imagine that nonstop all game. To be fair, I thought for a second perhaps the horror didn't come from monsters or ghosts, but instead the idea of reading ellipses forever as anime talking heads babble to each other forever in my own personal hell.

Some other great dialog here that I have to show in screen shot because you would not believe me if I typed it.

Now, after about ten thousand hours into the game, you eventually get to the violence... which, uh, once again is shitty. Let me start off by saying just one thing.

CHILDREN ARE NOT SCARY

For some reason, there is a select amount of special people in the world who thinks children and ghosts are scary. Ok, have you ever felt threatened by a child? No? Yeah, no one has. Children are pussies and I’m sure I could beat up most children no problem... In fact, I may be so bold to say that I could easily beat up a large amount of children all at the same time with ease. Now ghosts are also lame because what can a ghost do? Oh no, it’s going to move my lamp and make the light bulbs turn off and on! OH NO! THE GHOST MAYBE WALKED AROUND A HALLWAY AND POINTED AT ME THE HORROR! Children and ghosts are complete wimps and I’m pretty sure combining the two is like matching some kind of weenie Voltron of garbage.

Despite my excellent child beating skills, the world for some stupid reason keeps throwing ghost children at me in my damn video games. The enemy in this game? Ghost children. The obstacles to avoid? Ghost children. 

Now, you might be thinking “Well, gee. What kind of disgusting gore does this game have an - “ let me stop you right there, bub. If you are like me and picked up the game via steam, guess what? A majority of the artwork the original came with is gone. Not that the artwork was good or memorable, but it was something different to view instead of seeing shitty low res pixels bump into each other while broken engrish hits my screen telling me about the macabre acts of children ghosts hitting anime people with gardening tools.

Funny, that’s the face I make when I think about drinking Code Red.

As you can see above, the artwork kind of helps out the horror, a tiny bit. This steam version has no artwork. For the art it self, it’s actually all pretty tame. Despite the descriptions of kids getting murdered in insanely stupid ways, 99% of the time it was just text on a black screen. 

So is the writing good enough to instill fear? I’ll let you decide (but the answer is no) 

Damn it, Yuka. That’s why I told you never to run around with scissors! 

Her vision runs red as waves of unbearable agony trigger unconscious screams of primal, nearly animalistic torment. She instinctively reaches up to pull the scissors out, but just touching them lightly causes new jolts of torturous misery to flow through her body. The sound of a foreign object scraping against her cranium echoes through her mind mercilessly -- not from her eardrums, but directly to her brain. No other experience could possible have prepared her for this. It's all the suffering of the world, coalesced into a single moment. The pain grows exponentially worse with each heartbeat, yet the trauma of the experience makes the heart beat faster, creating an endless cycle. It's not something you can adapt to. It's not something you can ignore. All you can do is thank Heaven when you finally die...

Wow, deep. Wait, I’m thinking of Clive Barker. This is complete shit.

So, how do you die in this game and how do the endings work? Well, the creator of Corpse Party thought “Hey, you know, I should like... add...some...game...play...to...my...game.... Hhmm - Oh, I got it. I’ll add way more ellipses to everything and make it that you sometimes read stuff and it’s ok and sometimes if you read stuff it kills you!”

That’s right, it’s Sierra style nonsense for logic. Read a book that says do not read on the cover? You avoided a death from a ghost shoving a pencil in your dick hole. Read a newspaper clipping that says do not read on it? You turn into a cannibal, eat a skeleton, then die. I’m not joking. That’s really two ways to die in this game.

Thankfully, despite the random nonsensical means towards doom, the majority of deaths actually come just from running into ghosts. The problem? There isn’t that many ghosts and the majority of the game you can easily slide around while RPGmaker NPCs slowly float near by wishing they were in better games and doing more meaningful things, like wandering around JRPG item shops.

So, what does Corpse Party offer? Well, certainly not horror. But, hey man, if you are some creepy pervert who gets off on incest, this game haves you covered, my man.

THE REAL HORROR BEGINS

Here is a steam review on why people should love this game

Now the part I really like about Corpse Party is how it brings most, if not, all of the horror elements together into one. Unlike most basic horror games I've seen which mainly only focuses on jumpscares, Corpse Party does much more than that. This is one of the only games I played that literally frightened me to the point where my heart was pumping, body tensed up and at the edge of my seat like if I was in a helpless situation. This is truly a masterpiece when it comes to horror. - The most pathetic pussy in the world, 2016.

The only scare I got was after looking this game up upon completion, was that it was so popular that it made epilogue games. Then again, it can’t even scare me that bad, when the king of shit like Five Nights at Freddy’s has five games that gave the hack creator enough money to buy all of West Africa looms across my nightmares, who can sleep, really?

[bfilmblues-blog]

The Violent Years

Pros: If you are some horrible kind of super pervert who gets off on the idea of being gang raped in the woods, then this movie is for you!

Cons: Everything.

You know, I take back everything I said about Ax Em’. Every criticism I ever had. Sorry, Mfume, I know I insulted you nonstop but to be honest I really do find your movie refreshing. Was it dumb and poorly edited, lacking audio and filmed in three days time? Sure. Although, despite not having a script or a mic or any semblance of a story, I can honestly say you made a far better movie then The Violent Years.

About the insults, I’m not one to talk about any artistic skill. I can draw stick figures and my writing last time was so horrible (It was late, I was drunk, English is not my first language, the house was on fire at the time) with spelling and grammar issues that your cold opening was a thousand times better then my whole article. When reading my chicken scratch and rambling, my other came up to me and said “Why you are so mean to Mfume, it’s distracting.” and I said “Ughmahgamwre.” which really means “I’m sorry, to be honest, Mfume made a movie and chances are it was better then anything I could do. He and his friends were having fun in the woods, what is the harm? I’m just jealous he got that many people for a bonfire/improv class”

The Violent Years is one of the few only films I have actually gotten angry at. It is bad. I’m not talking like “This movie has no audio/plot/bad acting” bad, I’m talking like it’s harmful bad. People who watch it will not only leave with a grotesque feeling of dread, but it also is has some of the worst morality I have ever seen any film. It’s not shocking content, really. I can watch movies like Cannibal Holocaust or Salo and shrug it off, but it’s the fact that this movie offers nothing in the way of interesting content or thought provoking content. There is no gore or violence in The Violent Years, but it’s the tone of the movie that is so awful. 

The Violent Years is a movie about a gang of girls in the 1950′s who rape and kill people. Sounds fun, right? By fun, I mean, I would rather take a dentist drill then watch the film, but I’m sure some guy right now is clutching his Dragon Ball Z t-shirt with a sweaty grip excited about the fantasy of being raped by women. Now, rape in film isn’t automatically bad. It’s a subject that is hard to talk about, but movies like Irreversible and Deliverance can have have scenes that really can shock an audience and use the imagery of rape in ways to make us emotionally connect to a scene or characters. The Violent Years has nothing like that, instead of it’s just gives off a odd feeling and neither shocks or causes the audience to reflect, but instead makes us want to leave the room... Like when your creepy uncle starts to talk about the first time he lost his virginity in between wafts of old Pall Mall smoke. 

Oh boy, I don’t like where this is going.

We get an intro where we see a judge sitting in a shitty set talking about the horrors of bad parents and how this couple in front of him should be forever ashamed and it’s their fault their kid did something bad. Mom reflects upon the judge scolding her wondering where she went wrong... with that, we cut back to where mom and daughter (Who both look the same age?)  talk about how mom is going to go out on business and the kid needs to look after herself for a tiny bit, like, an hour or two. The daughter says she is going on a date anyways tonight, so the house will be empty. Mom gives her an absurd amount of money (Literally, a blank check) and the family car. She says “Please don’t come home too late and have a good time!”. Man, talk about horrible parents so far, right? 

The movie finally kicks off with four women beating a gas station attendant to near death and robbing him. Now, this may sound shocking, but the women must weigh about only 50 pounds in total, so when I say “Beat” I mean lightly tap him with a pistol while he falls down. It’s implied he was almost murdered, which makes me wonder if he was the most sissy feeble gas station attendant of all time, or if these women posses super hero like strength.

Shortly after a scene that talks about the horror of the gas station attendants near fatal encounter via the authorities, the girls go to the woods and find a couple a couple making out, where they strip the both victims, plan to murder/assault the woman, and rape the dude. 

And n-shgugh... It’s hard to talk about this movie. Let me go back, the first two scenes are in no way violent at all. Yes, there is rape and assault and near murder, the problem is the actresses are not really that into it. They don’t seem like sociopaths, they seem like really sad women who were roped into an Ed Wood film, doing each action with a half-smile hoping that a big shot in Hollywood will save them from the nightmare of fetish films for creeps, assholes, and mutants. You can feel nothing but just awkwardness from each scene, feeling bad for the young blonde from Milwaukee who was in 4H tries to attempt to act like a gangster spree-killer.

After a night of raping and stealing gas, we find out the leader (Paula) has a dad who is in the newspaper business and doing some hardcore journalism on the crime spree of a all girl group terrorizing the town! It’s a classic story, really. Mom and dad love their daughter who they can believe do no wrong, except deep down she is killing/raping hobos and smoking meth with neo-nazi’s at a BDSM club. Basically, the story of 15 year old girls everywhere across America. 

FUCK YOU DAD I’LL RAPE AND KILL WHO I WANT WHEN I WANT!

Alas, despite mom and dad being upright citizens of the community and loving caring parents, they can’t tell their psycho daughter is out causing chaos in everywheretown, USA. 

As the movie progresses with not much happening, we find out that Paula doesn’t care about money from her crime spree, she does it for the kicks, man! Also, because mom and dad are not hard enough on her. Not sure where the whole parent thing comes in, from what we see of Paula’s folks, they seem actually like really nice people who just work all the fucking time. Sure, it sucks that they don’t have a relationship with their daughter and all kids crave love and attention, but we don’t see Paula really reach for it. Every scene when Dad has to work or mom has to impress clients, Paula brushes it off with a smile and actually tries to shoo them out the door.  It’s almost absurd really that the judge ranted these guys out for a hour, when this all seems 100% on their daughter. Yeah, I guess more observant parental figures could have maybe prevented some of the crimes or perhaps noticed that Paula is filled with nothing but sadism and malice, it makes one wonder how to really treat a teenage daughter. I mean, what extent do these parents need to go? Should they go on “dates” with the daughter? Maybe do some espionage? Hide in some bushes and pull out some binoculars? Considering their daughter is 17-ish, never seems problematic in any area, and comply with their every demand, I’m not really sure where the parents fucked up here. Whatever, judge, you do what you gotta do, dawg. 

Careful, they may throw some empty slim-fast cans at you.

Eventually, Paula has a sleepover party for her birthday... seems... odd... at 17... But whatever, dad and mom are cool with that. They ask that they keep it low key and don’t have any boys over. Paula says sure and Mom/Dad says they will be working late so they won’t be home until like 3am-ish, also, if she needs more money she just needs to ask.

Ok, what the fuck. How many kids back in the day like “Man, Paula's mom and dad fucking RULE!” watching this movie?

Of course, Paula invites over a bunch of dudes and raids all the booze in the house. It’s not really that edgy and I would assume most teenagers would do this in a heart beat, but before the heavy petting session can get past 1950′s light make-out level, one of dad’s co-workers knocks on the door and tells Paula that dad wanted to give her a birthday present and he’s sorry he couldn’t deliver it in person. Paula tells us she already knows what it is, an expensive watch. Apparently, Paula not only gets an expensive watch/jewelry combo every year, but her mom also trades in her old car every birthday and gets her the latest model. One of the kids there at the party picks a fight with the co-worker (Why? Because he hates old people?) and gets owned by the co-worker something fierce. Seriously, the co-worker owns him in one punch and just laughs it off.

Paula of course says it’s all bullshit and her mom and dad are terrible and that everything is terrible, so she kicks everyone out of the party and mopes around.

On the side, we see Paula talk to a fence for stolen goods who says she has a new job for the girl gang. That job? To break into a classroom and smash the place up... FOR COMMUNISM! Yes, it’s the most retarded fucking thing you can ever imagine. Apparently, the USSR is really hoping to win the cold war by lightly smashing a classroom with light vandalism and goofy hi-jinx.

Watch as kids lightly make out and someone whines about a nice birthday present! The horror!

That night, Paula and her gang of idiots break into the school and lightly trash the place. By trash, I mean, they lightly throw some books around and kick over a desk. Apparently, this causes enough noise to cause the cops the investigate and pull up to the scene. This, oddly enough, causes the girls to pull out some pistols and try to shoot the cops.

...

You know, out of all the things I have seen in movies, this might be the dumbest thing I have ever seen. Laughably, the funniest line in the movie happens here as when after a few shots, the police fire back and one of the girls says out loud “Hey! They are shooting back!” in surprise. Like, no shit lady. 

Realizing that this idea was the worst idea ever in the history of humanity, the girls try to flee the scene where a bunch of them get shot and killed by the cops. The cops proceed to follow and keep shooting at them, eventually having only Paula and one other girl to get away. Paula and the other girl go back to the Fence and demand payment for the job, which is absurd considering they just escaped pursuit. The Fence rightfully says she isn’t going to help these guys out at all and to get the hell out before the cops bust all of them. Paula, of course, handles this with grace a- Oh, I’m just kidding, she kills the shit out of the fence by shooting her. Of course, this brings the cops over AGAIN and Paula goes on a chase which ends up with her crashing into a store window, killing last friend/gang member.

Paula ends up in the hospital and we find out from the dude she raped, she is now pregnant. Oh joy. Soon, we learn she dies in child birth and the infant is taken away from the grandparents and going straight to a foster home. The judge once again calls the parents stupid assholes and say this is 100% their fault. End of film.

So, what is there to say about The Violent Years? 

Now, I get it. Ed Wood wanted to make a film that showed that teenagers are horrible monsters who capacity for evil knows no bounds, but to force the blame on the parents is the most odd choice ever. Instead of having scenes were we could have abusive jerk parents beating their daughter or whatever, every single scene we see with them makes it look like they are reasonable (If overly trusting) people who just work far too much. The whole anti-communism thing is funny and all, but it really seemed forced and added on to just shock a 60′s audience. The dialog is awful and the editing is questionable at best, but it’s passable as well. The film... is just boring and leaves a bad aftertaste. 

Like, I seriously hate this movie. I’m sorry Mfume, I owe you a beer. 

[bfilmblues-blog]

Ax’ Em

Pros: Unique by being a mostly black cast. The university dancers.

Cons: Quite possibly the most confusing movie I have ever seen to this day.

Feels like a hazy fog has entered my brain and nothing really makes sense. I mean, it could be from the fist sized amount of muscle relaxers poisoning my body or it’s because I watched Axe ‘Em yet again which is slowly rotting away my brain. From the start, the movie opens up with one of the most confusing cold opens I have ever witnessed in movies. Now, keep in mind this movie was edited, so  Michael Mfume (Director/Star) looked upon this text and thought “Yeah, that speaks quality.” after huffing a bag of spray paint and wondering if home is spelled with two o’s or not. The text reads as follows:

“On a cold winter night, in 1990,

Mr. Mason, a mean and cruel Towns man, left his job for Home.

After arriving home, 

He took a shotgun 

And killed his wife and Kids.

Then is mean man Killed himself.

When the police arrived they only

Found the bodies of his wife,

Daughter and younger son.

His mentally ILL son Harry

Was not ever found.

Legend has it, he will return

In 13 years  to revenge his family deaths.”

This brings up many questions, like how did Mr. Mason kill everyone but somehow Harry is still alive? Why all the spelling/grammar errors? Who is Harry getting revenge against? Obviously, Mr. Mason is dead, so that crosses him off. Why is there a legend and why is it so poorly told? Well, we never find the answers to any of the questions. It’s not really a spoiler, because I don’t believe this text has to do with anything in the movie. In fact, I’m sure this intro is actually for another movie that was never made. Mfume, if you ever you read this,  please note that if you have a plot hole this big in the first two seconds of the movie, you might not be cut out for the world of film production... or basic labor work.

Anyways, after the crawl, we see all of our main characters talking to each other, but we can’t hear them. Let me just warn you, you won’t hear anyone in this film. For some reason, Mfume decided that things like microphones or sobriety wasn’t needed to make a movie, so he decided to film the whole thing using his handheld $2 Wal-Mart camera with the inboard mic. Now, this has a ton of problems because not only does everything bleed and nothing is audible, but also for a movie made in 1992, it looks like it was made in 1976. I have watched this movie about ten times now, and I have yet to know a single characters name. Instead, I got by the clothing they wear. Now, you might have rented this or be like me and purchased this movie from a one eyed witch who lives in the swamp, so I made a small chart of characters and what their roles are.

Micky mouse jacket - Leader I think? Horny and always tells bad jokes.

Grandma dressed woman - Owns a cabin in the woods. Might be dating Micky Mouse jacket.

Glasses guy: Tells the worst jokes of all time. Annoying. Horny.

Fat lady: Likes pancakes. Might be 90% ham.

Everyone else: ???

Micky Mouse and Grandma are talking in a hallway where we can’t hear shit, when a well dressed guy bumps into them and talks about something or other. I seriously can’t understand any of it, but it sounds like they might be all meeting to a party and starting a fight club with grandpa. I’m not joking, the audio from what I make goes like this.

Micky: whathTMpa~!

Grandma: aotjtm I’ll ask awirhtm~

Micky: yo, quit pushing me.

Well dressed guy: wthtanmrh ladies.

Micky: maightma ladies!

*People gather around and move their mouths with zero audio.*

Thrilling scene, really. Unfortunately, every single fucking scene is like that in the movie. Now, some people might think I’m racist or trying to be funny or something, but that’s just not the case. This movie, has zero audible moments in it. Don’t believe me? Check the link in point. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8_3bhTw_I0

I’m sorry to spoil the death of Glasses guy. Don’t worry, I think he comes back like a scene later.

Happy, hungry, depressed? Who knows!

After this confusing meeting of shit I have no idea, people clap and high five at what I believe to be a high school graduation? Or a funeral? It might be a music show? I seriously have no idea because it looks like a school, but the scene fades out and instead we are thrust into the world of a random house where a old man who looks like everyone's grandpa (If black and just woke up at 3AM) angry because he thought he heard something in his house, so he walks around muttering about how much he wants to shove his foot into a random persons asshole... which seems very extreme and awkward. Anyways, black grandpa is attacked by a large man with goo on his face with quite possibly the worlds smallest hatchet where he yells “Oh, shit” before being axed... err - ax em’ed with all the passion of an robot. Was the killer Harry? I would assume so, because he is the one who wants revenge against someone. Not sure why that old man is part of his revenge and needed to be killed, but whatever. Grandpa, R.I.P.

With a scene shift that cuts the tone with break neck speed, we are watching from what I am guessing, to be the Morgan State University talent show. I’m pretty sure Mfume just video taped this because he thought it would pad out the movie, but some of the acts are actually not that bad. Well, the dancing part anyways. When it comes to the comedy section of the show, it’s so bad that even Eddie Murphy would look at this shit and be like “God damn, man... just... damn.” Imagine, if you will, the entertainment of two drunk retards telling each other bad yo’ mama jokes and a guy dropping the n-bomb on random people while everyone stares in silence at him. Now, I get it, I’m white and therefore despite not having any sense of groove, sense of comedy, and the worst facial hair in the world, I believe all races across the world could not enjoy this. In fact, it’s almost a hostile show, to be honest. The yo’mama jokes mask the anger in the room and everyone just looks tired and bored, being like “Wait, we have to hear the yo’mama joke about skittles... AGAIN... ugh...” but laughing nervously just to try and remain hopeful that the show will get better. It’s really a shame that there wasn’t more dancing, because it’s actually pretty entertaining and well done. But, reluctantly, because this is Ax em’, we can’t have any of that, so away it goes. 

One thing during this whole sha-bang, is that I noticed this movie had a special effects crew by the name “Full Moon Effects”. I can verify that there is no special effects at all in this movie. Well, except man with goo on his face, but I think that effect was done with a melted candle and some dish soap.

Lookin’ good, Harry. Or... zombie... or whoever you are.

Eventually, after the incredibly horrible talent show, we meet all characters where once again I can’t tell what the fuck anyone is talking about, but what I can guess, they are all talking about meeting at the cabin where Grandpa was murdered because “It ‘s gonna be hella rad and we can get busy” or something. Another thing about this movie is I don’t believe a script was made for this and it’s all improvised; which I can’t understand. People constantly talk over each other every three seconds and most of the dialog from what I can tell is murdered with nonstop interruptions and people trying to yell over each other. It’s either because Mfume wanted to do the feel of an amateur/Blair Witch style theme or it is because he has fetal alcohol syndrome, hard to tell, really.

The kids arrive at the murder house and a scene happens where a man snatches a woman's wig off while laughing. Uh, ok.

Anyways, fuck that shit, we break scene to watch two drunk hobos yelling at each other for no reason and drinking yoohoo while talking about... something. Once again, this is all gut feeling, but I believe they are scared because they saw a ghost(?) and they are too poor to deal with ghosts. So, they run off loony toons style into the forest. 

90% of this movie. 

After scenes where nothing happens, we get to dinner with everyone. Everyone is eating pancakes and waffles despite it being dinner, so I have no idea what that is about. But, while eating, one of the kids tells quite possibly one of the most shitty jokes I have ever heard. Let me tell it to you in all it’s glory.

“Johnny Green, this - this is a joke of johnny green. OK! So, uh - he a kid in school and really bad and everything, you know? He always messing up in school, right? So - teacher said “Ok, class, we going to play a game” and everybody says “Ok, ok!~” so I say “I say a letter, you say what starts with it.” and everyone is like “Ay~ aye~ cool.” So, she says “A!” and looks at Johnny Green who she know was gonna say ass, but she looked at Sally and sally said “Apple” “Oh, very good sally.” then she say “B” and she looked at johnny green and said “no, he gonna say bitch” so she called on little Steve and steve say “Box!”  “Very good.” so they got to C and and knew Johnny Green was gonna say cunt, so she called Angie and Angie said “Cat!” So they kept going and they got all the way to F.  -

Now, before I get finished transcribing this joke, I just wanted to let you know half the table so far thinks this is the funniest fucking thing to ever be told while the other half looks bored. In fact, one guy is so bored of this joke he is reading ebony magazine at the table with the most sleepy eyes possible.  Anyway, back to the joke.

“And no bodies hand came up, so she said “Johhhnny Green.” So, she say “Johnny green” *Taps forehead like ten times* “Johnny Green... How many letters in this word.” He says “FOUR!” she say “Johnny green, what the second letter of this word.” “U!” She say “Johnny Green , whats the last letter of this word.” “M!” and she says” Very good, Johnny, what’s the word.” “Fuck!”

The crowd, for some reason, does not murder him for this terrible joke and wasting so much time telling it. To be fair, the movie does show it’s horror roots because he is about to tell another joke when thankfully a woman offers to take everyone's plates, which causes everyone to insult each other and talk about how horny they are. It’s a odd mix of saying things like “You a greasy home mother fucker(?)” and “Oh yeah, this is the perfect place for love...” 

Ah, this speaks quality.

In the kitchen, two people find a gun in the drawer and say “SHIT! Whats that for?” “I dunno!” so they leave plates on the counter and walk off. Uh... huh.

At a bonfire, we see a guy move his arms like he is telling a story about the gigantic fish he caught while rap music blares out. Everyone doesn’t look impressed, so instead we get a flashback? Now, I want to say it’s a flashback, but I’m not sure because the family in this flashback is from Harry, but that makes no sense because he obviously wasn’t in it or related to this flashback at all because he was not murdered. It starts with a man shooting his wife in a shitty twin bed, then shooting some blankets with a shotgun. After destroying the blankets and his wife (Which he killed somehow by shooting at the wall next to her), he kills himself and the police come by muttering about “how for a crazy guy he died so hard he super died”. In the same flash back, a Mexican man holds up a white kid who got shot while another child with an afro runs by. Afro kid brings Grandpa over and points at a wall, where there is nothing. 

Of course! It all makes sense now! Harry is getting revenge on the ghost of a Mexican man who haunts a wall by showing random kids images of other dead kids! It all makes sense! 

In various scenes that too almost too boring to describe, people talk to each other (And by talk, I mean mumble at each other sounding like they have a mouth full of marbles) on topics I can’t understand at all. Glasses tries to hit on someone, but fails so he calls his friends to come over, which consists of two white people and a black guy named Breakfast.

Huh.

Well, Breakfast and white guy walk to a random house to ask for directions on how to get to the cabin, but before that Glasses actually has someone make-out with him in another scene! Way to go, Glasses! Afterwards, at breakfast (Not the man, the meal) people argue about who got more sex and make really bad jokes about zodiac signs and sexual conquests.... So, I guess Glasses friends have been lost for a day now? Bummer.

Back to Breakfast (the man) and white guy, they talk about knocking on a random house and asking to use the phone, but are scared for some reason. Why? Who knows, anyways, no answer so they decide to break in when suddenly a fog machine blasts in the house. Breakfast wants to leave, but white guy is really serious about using that phone, so he explores the sauna/house and keeps yelling “HELLO!? HELLO!?” over and over and over again. White guy walks up the stairs telling people to come out and out hello for the 100000th time when eventually a year or so passes and he gets punched to death by Harry/Zombie/Grandpa Killer with the phone. Breakfast, outside - picks up  a stick and starts talking about how crazy white people are (True, we do love phones) and runs randomly into the forest saying “No one is going to get my black ass”. Well, that’s one way to face danger, I guess.

Back at the dinner table with our main crew, yet again, people scream and argue or something... or laugh... I can’t tell.

Breakfast somehow finds his way back to the car and finds white girl, they argue about leaving white guy alone, and Breakfast says he is going to run back to Baltimore. So, instead of taking the car, he just jogs away in to the horizon. It’s a shame really, because Breakfast is truly the best character in the movie so far.

Back to our main crew again, while they scream and talk about... something. I seriously have no idea what anyone is doing or what they planned to do, but various members of the crew take nice walks into the woods and try to mack on each other at various places near the house. It’s awkward though, because the woman Glasses was just making out with fails miserably trying to charm her again. It might be because he uses lines like “Boy, you be so fine, I could kiss your daddy's ass.” Even though Glasses remains super uncharming, I do have to say his Russian trapper hat, is quite excellent. 

Breakfast, once again, taking things way too serious.

Somehow, Glasses manages to save it at the last second, so they make out again and back to dinner! I have no idea why these dinner scenes have the worst audio, but they do. No one says one word that is even remotely understandable, but somehow a scream happens outside so everyone rushes to the door (Except one dude playing game-boy) and Glasses and Make-out girl run in and Glasses is screaming about how his arm is bleeding. Suddenly, dead white guys corpse flops into the door and hallway. Hilariously, they are only slightly scared by this and all run outside, where they see Harry/Pudgy Mc Fats / Ghost Tubs outside doing some repair work to a car. This causes them to really freak out and run back into the house while screaming “OH SHIT!” over and over. 

NOOOOOO! A DOUGHY MAN IS CHANGING OUR OIL!

After mugging the camera, everyone takes turns talking about cars and how they have TWO cars and they should just all take the second car. Glasses then says something and everyone argues forever forgetting about the killer just right outside. That’s friends for you, right? One of the crew elects to go outside to check the second car, where he goes outside and jumps around like a idiot for about ten minutes, see’s a small firework happen next to the car, freaks out, and try to jump in the car and ditch his friends. Alas, it doesn’t work so he says “Oh, shit!” and jumps around the car some more like an idiot, pop the hood, and look at various things while jumping around so more. It’s all delightfully awkward, but Harry decides to sneak up on him and go “BLARH!” which causes him to enter matrix mode, roll on the dirt, and run back into the house screaming like a woman.

You know, at this point in the movie, I really am struggling on how Harry is getting his revenge. I mean, he killed a random white dude over the phone (Trust me, as a white dude, I know we can be annoying about phone issues, but that isn’t nearly revenge-level worthy) then he just ruined some cars. I mean, yeah, I guess it’s menacing, but why? Shouldn’t Harry be angry at his father for killing him or something? Not sure how these people are related at all. Also, is Harry dead or alive? I mean, with the goo on his face, I guess he could be a zombie, but why is he undead? Why is he killing random people? Who is the dead white kid? What kind of drugs does Mfume take? All these questions are more will never be answered. 

Harry busts into the house because no one thought to lock it, and he hits a random guy in the arm with a machete. He screams and suddenly the scene cuts to everyone outside arguing. Oh boy! I sure love my movies to be 90% nonsensical arguments. The arguments range from “Yo man, quit whining” to “I seriously got the most ass!”, while dramatic gladiator music plays. I don’t get it either, but Glasses then gets murdered after doing the most retarded pre-death motion I have ever seen, and gets axed... Or not, I can’t tell, because as Harry lifts up his axe, Glasses has his sperg moment, then just falls down. Huh. Then, suddenly, Harry is in the house and hits a girl in the face with his blade. So, I guess he is doing OK on his revenge, or murder quest, or whatever. 

White girl still at the car wonders why she hasn’t see her two friends for like.. two days now, so she randomly screams for them and Harry somehow is now next to her and chases her around while grunting like a mix between The Hulk and a pig. 

Another scene cut, more arguing. Two of our main crew randomly find a random car in the woods, but once again they argue about who found the car and argue about if the car was a godsend or not and argue about who is more stupid, and argue about who slapped who, and argue about the car again when finally they both shut the fuck up and try to get into the car.  Another two of crew randomly run around in the words when someone falls down and says “OH no! I have fallen down and I can’t get up!” like a old disabled woman despite being a 30 year old man. Then he gets up and starts running again making the scene pointless. 

Glasses, somehow, comes back alive and looks around while spinning in circles . Way to go Glasses, a true romantic but also the power to take (maybe) an ax to the face. Another guy crawls around randomly on all fours and jumps around a stairwell while punching the air... and... - ah fuck, you know what, all the scenes are the same. Just imagine the dumbest shit possible and people running around, you got most of these scenes.

Glasses makes his way inside back to the house (WHY DO YOU KEEP GOING BACK THERE?) and decides he needs to do something brilliant. Now, imagine if you will, you are in a house with a murderer. You need a plan, do you...

A). Run out of the house and try to make it back to the city.

B). Find a weapon of some kind and fight it out.

C). Find a big empty room with one chair. Sit on that chair and throw a blanket over your head.

If you picked C, congratulations! I question your logic.

Glasses does his insanely retarded plan while another random woman walks around. 

Ahhhh! We are being chased! Weee! Hahah! AHHHH!

Cut scene, now to another kid discovering the body of Grandpa! Oh, and he has a huge fucking magnum gun now... uh, not sure where he got that. He argues off screen with someone about “TELL ME WHO YOU ARE OR I’ll SHOOT!” over and over with some lady, which seems odd considering they like, know each other and have been in the same house for a couple of days now. They both start crying on a stairwell talking about much it sucks to die (No doubt, bro) and then a cat runs back and forth on a Casio keyboard. This causes them to go up the stairs and scream. The guy dashes off leaving her ass to slowly get killed by Harry as he walks to down the stairs. Man, what a gentleman.  After Harry slices the air next to her, killing her, the guy runs back towards Harry and up the stairs. This causes Harry to shoot him in the butt with a gun he got somewhere where our hero screams “AHHH! MY BUTT! MY BUTT! NOOOO!” like a woman over and over as Harry tries his best not to laugh and follow him up. Harry manages to hold back the laughter and shoot into the stairwell twice, killing him or something.

Oddly enough, in the next scene Glasses plan of putting a bed sheet on his face actually works. Harry walks past him.

Huh, way to go Glasses. Always surprising me.

Harry just kind of wanders around and looks in various rooms, when one of the girls gets scared by a skeleton, causing her to get caught by harry and have her hand chopped with a knife. She manages to meet up with Glasses, and they both run back outside the house after knocking Harry over by pushing the air next to him.

Meanwhile, the first kid with the huge ass magnum and some random lady  walks randomly next to a foggy door and decides just for the hell of it, to shoot the shit out of it. Harry comes out of the door looking confused at why someone just randomly shot a door and follows them into a basement, where Harry gives chase and gets shot in the chest over and over. Then, both kids run out the basement window and meet up with the two other guys who were arguing at the random car in the woods earlier. Glasses somehow, meets up with them too and they all start yelling at each other. Ah, the classics never die. Two more people who I swear were killed also show up at the random car and everyone once again screams at each other in happiness or anger, I can’t really tell. 

That image goes really well with the  text above.

So, they all scream as each other while trying to start the car, but it’s to no effect. The car is dead. They scream about needing something, but Harry shows up so everyone gets out of the car and decides to run around in the woods some more.

Ugh, it just never ending. It’s just bitching, people running in the woods or the house, and bitching. In fact, to hammer that point home, in the next scene one of the main guys has a five minute scene where he bitches about being chased by a killer, about his job, his friends, and how much his ass hurts. He does this all while smiling awkwardly, then just walks off set. Ok.

Screaming and running, more screaming and running... in one scene a guy grabs a tree like a stripper pole, spins around it, and drop kicks his friend by mistake. I don’t think that was supposed to be in the film, as the kid he drop kicks looks seriously pissed off, but the offender plays it cool by saying “Oh my ass” in a most lazy manner.

They all make their way back to the house yet again (Oh my god, come on) and into the basement which is now filled with rainbow lighting.  There they meet up with another random kid and they all once again scream at each other about how much it sucks to be chased by a killer, haha. Not learning their lesson, Harry once again is sure to hear this, but whatever.

One kid outside finds a random car battery outside, excited. Huh.

Harry finds the main crew in the basement and chases them around some more, finally corning them all. The one kid with the gun shoots Harry a couple more time, which causes them to say the following dialog to harry which stops him... once again, I will transcribe this scene. 

Kid 1: No! Harry! No! No!

Kid 2: I ate your grandpa! (Sic?)

Kid 1: Harry! It’s not the answer!

*Harry looks confused, like the audience*

Kid 1: You must find an ant!

Kid 2: Shut up!

Lady 1: Kill him already!

*Harry tosses a small bag to kid 1*

*Kid 1 picks up the bag*

Lady 1: Mother fucka, let me show you how it’s done!

*Lady 1 shoots Harry in the face, which once again does nothing*

*Harry charges at them, where Lady 2 hits him with a pitch fork*

*Harry finally dies... I think?*

Kid 3: He not dead yet! He.. ok, he dead, maybe, he dead!”

Lady 1: He dead?

Kid 1: Let’s go let’s go let’s go!!!

*They all run away, except kid 1, who then decides to shoot harry’s corpse a thousand more time, which causes him to gasp then morph into a clone of Harry, seeking revenge or something.

Well, makes sense to me! After that whole exchange, we see new Harry walk to the street in broad daylight to some inappropriate gangster rap, then a finale cold scene with text saying the following:

This film is Dedicated to

The Memory of My Grandmother

Emily Madison

1928-1993

Awwwwww...

R.I.P Emily, you were too young for this world.

[bfilmblues-blog]

Games: Fear House

It’s amazing what we find scary in this world. Clowns with knifes, bad skeleton jpgs, and even photoshop filters, but a brave creator named Dino Rage decided to combine all these horrors into one and give us the horror of FEAR HOUSE!

Now, you might think houses are done in horror. It’s always a haunted house or some kind of haunted abode... never a haunted ice cream truck or whatever.

THE HORROR OF  STOLEN ASSETS!

Anyways, after downloading the game, you get three options. Start, Help, and Exit. While exit does seem mighty tempting, hitting help brings up some red text on black which is hard as hell to read, but I’ll transcribe it here for you.

“The story of the game came from my friend but everything else of course I created it. Fearhouse is a survival-horror game similar to Chased by a Killer. Only thing different now is that I got rid of the jumping feature. People don’t be dissapointed the game is now longer, more puzzles, and has a excellent storyline. There are animated death scenes for the first time which is very violent. I suggest young children not to play this game bit if they are rating my game a four stars or higher feel free to play it anytime.”

Simple enough. “Hey Kids, don’t play this, it’s gory and scary! Unless you like it! Then vote really high and play!” Now, Dino Rage does have a couple of things right in this description despite most of it lies. Let’s start about what is accurate:

1. Puzzles - There is one puzzle stolen straight from a resident evil game. It’s dumb and a three year old has to figure out how seasons work. 

2. Jump feature - Indeed, there is no jump feature.

Things that Dino Rage lied about in this help section:

1. Story line - It’s terrible, I’ll get to that later.

2. Violence - Most children, even sensitive ones, will not be scared by this.

3. Survival/horror - There is no horror and the survival aspect is shaky at best.

I’m onto your tricks, Dino Rage. Anyways, the story starts like this. Howard, the doughy if tense looking man and his wife Susane (sic?) are at their new house and are staring at it from the roadside. Why did they park in the middle of the road? Why does everything look like a jpeg artifact? Who knows, but Howard wants to go inside and Susane complains about being cold or poorly drawn or the weather or whatever else is on her mind when the first of the games many horrors comes into light.

A random drunk Chicago bears fan wanders into frame and tells them not to enter the house because it’s cursed. Also, his name is “Old Man Lenoard” despite never mentioning his name once. Howard tells his wife to ignore the portly fellow and into the house they go. It’s sad because Lenoard would make the by far the greatest video game protagonist ever created, but Dino Rage misses that possible new money making star and focuses on Howard.

Now, the house. It’s all long hallways and bad clipart with nonstop photoshop filters sprayed over it. It’s not really scary but more mindboggling in it’s design. It’s a single hallways with rooms attached  that lead to more hallways. There is a few bedrooms or two, but from what I can tell not a single bathroom. While wandering around, you will hear a three second classical music loop that I believe was stolen from a old playstation game, that will give you a headache because it’s loud as hell. While small music loops and bad architecture are scary, the house still doesn’t give off a vibe of evil or malice, but instead a dreadful feeling a dumb resident evil style puzzle involving moose keys or statue pushing.

Quite quickly, you meet David. Despite a cursed house where people are straight up murdered or something, David works as a janitor. When not fighting ghosts or working on his Hitler style mustache, he mops floors and loses keys. He briefs the Howard on the backstory of this house saying his Grandfather Alexander owned it and he died or something, thus Howard having to live here now? Also, each room in this house takes a unique key and he only has a one, you need to find the rest. So, not only is David a shitty janitor, but a jerk as well. Before you get a key from David, he demands you find his lighter so he can smoke, which is furthers the point that David is an asshole because his lighter is only two feet away from him on a table.

Gripping fear!

After getting his lighter, David gives you the key to your grandfather’s bedroom where he advises you not to go in because it’s too spooky. 

Last time I hire a janitor...

Opening the door, we fight a horrible mess that David didn’t clean! Also, a rather nice if questionable choice of wallpaper in the bedroom. A slight clunk which sounds like a cat dropping to the floor or a someone dropping a bucket on a wood floor happens. Exiting out the room, Susane tells you that the she heard spooky noises and now Howard now feels an evil presence in the house. Coming to the conclusion that his “Grandfather hid the keys before he was killed for an important reason.” You gather more keys and eventually unlock a hallway that has Donkey Kong Country music blasting out of it only to find the evil of the house claims it’s first victim...

David! No! Even in death you still leave messes everywhere!

David has been murdered something fierce. In his dying breaths, he tells Howard to get his wife and leave the house. Howard, in a most dramatic moment, screams out David’s name in a fit of anguish despite not knowing anything about this guy except he loved to smoke and do his job poorly. R.I.P, may you kinda mop one spot of heaven forever.

Eventually, you get to the games one and only puzzle which requires you to push buttons beneath some paintings. If you press the wrong button, David’s head shoots blood and he screams as he dies. Not really sure what happens or how it happens, but if you passed grade school you should be able to pass this no problem. 

Making way in the house, a clown doll comes to live and attacks you by slowly walking into you. Once again, if you are AFK or died from boredom, the David screams and you die. Oddly enough, the game does have a quick restart feature by hitting R and while this is a nice feature, you will never have to use it once in game.

Yeah, ok.

Escaping the clown by pressing to the right and entering a door, you find the another hallway with nothing in it. David kind of wanders around the room then says “Susanse must have got out already.” before you see the main villain in this house of horror. Truly, this creature of evil must be so horrible, so grotesque, so awful that words can not describe him. 

Happy Friday, everyone!

I guess a balding goofy imp is ok, too. The lord of evil once again is defeated by slowly moving to the right and moving past a door. Finally, escaping from the cursed house, Howard declares “I finally escaped that denomic house” and looks to see his wife in the bushes outside waiting for him. I’ll let the last two images show the power of this ending.

Noooo! That’s the last time we ever visit grandpa!

Well, so ends the tale of the cursed house. Once again, don’t fuck with haunted houses or they turn you a bad jpeg skeleton faced wife. Living now with his skeleton bride, Howard moved to Florida and lived happily ever after... or so Dino Rage hints at! Instead, Howard screams, says “No! You bastards!” and then vanishes from earth.

So, what to say about Fear House? Sadly, the more I look back on it, the more I noticed this plot is better then 90% of the movies I watch. Dino Rage, when are you going to get into pictures? The horror market needs another star director and I think you got what it takes, kid.

[bfilmblues-blog]

American Mary / Ghost House double feature.

It’s 2016 and I needed some new years resolutions to fail at. The first were pretty tame - Get exercise, bathe daily, quit doing heroin, ect. Then as the list kept getting larger, I thought I would pick some harder resolutions. “I will further my viewing of shitty movies!” I declared in a depressing moan, as I watched a rifftrax on a rather obscure film called Ghost House.

While watching Ghost House, I couldn’t help but feel I had watched something just like it before in my life. Bad unemotional/possibly autistic lead, confusing death scenes, really bad excuses to place characters in certain scenes... then it hit me, Ghost House was pretty much American Mary. 

Now, it may seem like a stretch, but let’s take a dive into a check list of what the two movies have in common and see which movie is better.

Ghost House - 

Pros: Finally the dangers of Ham Radio come to light on film.

Cons: Slams farmers and clown dolls. To this day, Italy will refuse to import American clown dolls due to the myths Ghost House created.

American Mary -

Pros: It actually has a budget and looks like a movie.

Cons: Due to having a budget, it costs more then the normal B-film rental price of some refry cigs and $1.50.

1. They both feature a plot that has been done to death in horror - Ghost house is about people entering a haunted house and getting killed. American Mary is about a woman (or robot) who was raped and thus wants to kill someone in a violent way. Both have been done so many times that all b-films are starting to blur to me. Why is it always a haunted house? Couldn’t it for once be a haunted hot dog stand or a haunted dominoes pizza store or something? The classic “Kids go into scary place and die” setting will forever be making films on $10 budgets and random pain killers left on the floor for young script writers, but I just can’t get why someone can’t jazz it up a tiny bit.

On American Mary, it’s the classic woman seeks revenge on rapist horror plot. Now you might say “Wait! That sounds refreshing and new!” well, you are wrong my friend. I Spit On Your Grave, Nailgun Massacre, and countless other movies have done it a thousand times already.

Uh... are you done yet peeing, Mr. Rapist? I have to shoot you with my nail gun now.

Both plots are so overdone and non-unique, but I have to give Ghost House the win here. Ghost house’s director Umberto Lenzi  was like “Hmmm.. we need to have these kids go into this house and die... but how... Momma mia! I know! What do deez - Eh~ American kids love? Ham Radio! We will get kids who are popular Ham Radio lovers to check out a scary song they heard from frequency in the haunted house! Pasta! Goomba!” and thus, Lenzi brought something slightly new to the setting. 

2. Both Main Characters are played by grotesque robots who can’t act - Paul (Greg Rhodes) a man who only has one facial expression in the full run time of ghost house

It’s a slight look of confusion. People will explode, die, and a child will burn to death and this is his look in the whole movie. 

Mary (Katharine Isabelle) only has one facial expression and it’s this.

Boredom. It’s just 100% boredom. Katharine Isabelle can only look mildly bored no matter what scene she is in. Stabbed? Raped? Doing surgery? Eating a doughnut? Telling a joke? It’s just a face of boredom. 

So who is the most terrible at the craft? Hard question, man. While Paul is indeed awful, I do have to give him credit because this was first movie where he is not an extra and the director is an Italian exploitation third rate director. Maybe he keeps that face because  Umberto Lenzi kept asking him to wear a nazi outfit and piss on the female lead? Maybe he kept getting screamed at in  a mix of Italian guttural noise and what sounds like a horse with a mouth full of marbles? Who knows.

Katharine Isabelle on the other hand is a somewhat famous actress and this movie had a budget. She either has a mental disability or people keep placing her in parts because she looks decent naked. Either way, I’m going to give the win to Ghost House again because if your movie budget is major picture level and you do this like this? Shameful, Katharine. Shameful.

3. Both movies have terrible dialog.

Ghost house features this line-

Paul: It was a horrible scream - A really scary scream... it- I was really scared to death!

Female Lead: I’m sorry - I’m going to get some Chili.

Paul: Ok. Extra - Jalapenos? 

American Mary has this line -

Some Asshole -  “People say cosmetic surgery is frivolous–boobs and noses. But it’s so much more than that! The body is a conduit for the soul, at least historically speaking. When you change what you look like, you change who you are.”

Mary: Ok.

Some Asshole - Yeah.

Both films were written by idiots, but I’m going to give this one to American Mary. While it is terrible, it wasn’t like Ghost House where the script was translated from Italian, to Polish, then to English.

4. Both movies are made by stupid assholes. - It’s really a hard pick here. Which is worse? Terrible Italian directors or pretentious annoying goth twins? Let’s start with American Mary. Do you know   Jen Soska, or Sylvia Soska? Chances are you don’t. I don’t blame you. Imagine if you will the most try hard cliche you ever imagined of goths, then throw in some Rob Zombie and old lady depression in there. 

Umberto Lenzi - Well now... Do you like third rate cannibal films made on a low budget and a ton of drugs? Because there is a ton of that with him. Also, I think 90% of his movies have women dressed like Nazi’s fingering them selves, so if you are into that, there you go.

 Then again, maybe you like artistic edgy attempts of twins with the mentality for a 14 year old trying to shock you with a FEMALE EMPOWERED KILLER! Both are terrible people, but who is the worse?

Well, for that, we have to go back further then these individuals and look at who they represent.

Goths - 

Harassed German tribes in the days of Attila the Hun.

Often are depressed and hang out at the mall.

Write really bad poetry.

Made some good music like The Cure. Made a bunch of bad music (Everything else goth).

Italians - 

Like pasta and tomatoes. 

Folk hero is a fat plumber who stomps on Goombas.

Have a ton of nazi porn films made.

Are the leaders of organized crime.

Often consist of 99% body hair.

Tough call. I’ll go with Italy because of the food. Let me know when Goth Cooking gets around and I’ll rejudge this.

5. Both movies feature little to zero horror - 

Ghost house has the problem of thinking that we the audience care about Ham Radio operators and dumb clown dolls. American Mary thinks we care about an autistic Elizabeth Dushku knock-off. Despite these people and things being in peril, there is absoluety no scare in either film.

In Ghost House, the ham radio operators find the house is haunted by a living retarded farmer (Not joking, it’s a retarded farmer) who kills people... and when he doesn’t the ghost of a little child possessed by an evil clown doll kills people for some reason. The deaths are weak at best and ridden with horror cliche such as blade of fan hitting a guy in the eye, or falling into a hot tub/basement filled with milk and skulls.

Huh... well uh, that’s actually kind of new. Never mind.

American Mary has a very quick and unemotional rape scene (Honestly, it’s about a minute long and features a woman slowly pushed on a bed before a soft cut) , then a scene where she shows her rapist being tortured and missing his arms, legs, and eyes. That’s it. Oh, also a scene where a guy is beaten with a small stick. It’s not really scary but more of a moral question of “What is worse? Being date raped or being brutally tortured to death slowly as you are hung up on hooks in some bad actresses basement?”  or “Is this revenge accurate justice for what occurred?” or “Why am I watching this complete shit movie?”

American Mary also has some SO EDGY FOR A 12 YEAR OLD FUCK YOU MOM AND DAD scenes in it that make even the most hardcore of us cringe in shame at it’s attempt to shock. In one scene, a woman wants to be look like a barbie doll and asks the main lead to sow her vagina shut and cut off her nipples. Don’t you get it? It’s because Barbie is the height of beauty and had no sexual organs at all!~! It’s the ideal American Girl! She wanted to be be beautiful and her quest for it caused her to disf-  Oh I can’t even finish this. Fuck you Soska twins. Grow up.

Giving the win to Ghost House. Never seen a milk hot tub skull death. It’s dumb, but it’s new. 

Conclusion 

Why did I watch both of these movies?  Oh, right. Happy new years. Watch out for the ghosts of Ham Radio.

[bfilmblues-blog]

Cybernator 1991

Huh... couldn’t spring for a DVD sleeve? Oh boy!

Pros: Well, it depicts the terrible future of 2002 quite well.

Cons: Doesn’t even address the problem of cyber obesity. 

Cybernator is one of the most odd movies I have ever watched. Don't get me wrong, the plot is very simplistic and chances are was ripped from a really bad pulp sci-fi book, mixed with influence from Bladerunner and lots of cocaine, but the directing, acting, casting, and creation all really have some of the most bizarre choices I have seen made in the world of film.

 I can understand a movie not having a budget and trying to make due with what they have. Unfortunately, budget alone is not the case with Cybernator. Instead, I believe it's a mix of the people working on this movie thinking "Hey, let's stick a bunch of random sci-fi tropes that sell into a big jug, mix it up, and huff some spray paint as we pull them out one by one!" after a long 15 minutes of pre-amp cheer leading before starting the movie

The movie, is beyond all shadow of a doubt, bad. The reasons for it being bad are actually not the special effects (there are none...) or the dumb costumes or even the questionable missing plot, but instead the little things. Just every single little thing tied up into a big ball of oddity.

Starting off, the movie shows us two elderly fat drunks walking into what I assume to be a Chinese massage parlor where they both make out furiously while bumping into walls.

Errghh, already a bad start, this movie.

They start to talk about how they are going to have sex and that the tubby male is a senator and that the hamplanet of a woman is a hooker. This brings up a couple of questions to the audience right away. Questions like:

1.Why is a senator sleeping with someone as fat and disgusting as this escort? You would think being a senator would let you at least go for someone higher then Mimi from the Drew Carey show in looks.

2.Is this a sci-fi movie?

3.This movie is set in the future, right? Why are they at a 80's looking porno set that couldn't even put out the cash for anything besides a red light and a bunch of dressing screens?

Thankfully, before your brain can start to work on these questions, they split up from making out and bumping into walls for a second so she can sit down and he can change out of his 80's J.C Penny Suit. Removing his clothes, the horror ramps as he sees his half-pig escort flopping around on the bed, wailing some dumb line like "Oh boy! She really is in the mood!" he jumps on top of her in a comedic sort of dog humping a leg style. Alas, all is not as it seems and he releases instead of her having a stroke, she was murdered! Yes, for some reason, her flopping like a fish was not due to massive brain hemorrhage or the like, but instead she had her throat cut. That's when three dudes in heavy metal Halloween costumes show up and laugh at the poor shocked senator.

 Senator: Cy-Cyborgs!

 And thus, we have cyborgs. The cyborgs themselves are really poorly made from the looks of it and really all love black leather. Instead of a cool Dues Ex style world where it's cybernetic advantages and the like are slick and convenient looking, this world they all look absurd and would be a pain in the ass to live with. Take for example, this guy.

THE FUTURE!!! 

He just has random tubes on his head which we will see later are the only thing keeping him alive, albino skin, and really nothing else to show for it. The other cyborgs don't nearly have it as nice, where they consist of having random stapled metal parts that range from big metal jaw to shiny metal plates on breasts. What these random paper- metal things do, is anyone's guess, really. Why do some cyborgs look like normal people with on paper glued on them but completely normal  on them, and others are full blown albino or blue? Who knows, but what we do find out in this introduction to them is that cyborgs are really stiff and robotic - Oh, wait, that's the acting, I mean, they are evil for no apparent reason yet are so large in number that not only do they make up a significant minority of  the population, but also are so common place that no one is surprised when they turn up in bars, hospitals, library, or tailgates. Yet, despite being so common, every single cyborg is violent and shoots people up nonstop and people treat it as normal life.

 Huh.

 Anyways, the cyborgs explain with bad jokes that they are going to kill the senator and will do so by hitting him with a garbage disposal blade instead of doing something really cool, like, using their cyborg strength to rip his spinal cord out or something. The senator explains that "he didn't vote against them!"and that "I love cyborgs!" which causes them to laugh and kill them.

 In a jump-cut that broke my neck, we end up outside of what is supposedly a seedy strip bar but more looks like the side entrances of a high school play house. There, we meet our two heroes, McCord and black guy. I'm not racist, I have watched this movie about four times now (Help me) and I don't think black guy has a name. They are both cops, both terrible actors, and apparently both enjoy going to the strip club together, so it's kind of nice to see racial harmony in the cyber punk future of 1987. Outside, they debate on about actually going to see the strippers again or doing something else, so they flip a coin to see who wins (McCord: Strip club - Black guy: Get in a better movie) and the coin lands on a newspaper where a headline reads "FOUR SENATORS ASSASSINATED!!".

McCord doing what is doing best... face work. 

After McCord celebrates his victory by acting as smug as possible, they both head inside the bar where instead of bar we get a high school cafeteria. I'm not kidding, it must be a high school lunch room, where the worlds most oily 80's stripper does an awkward dance in front of a random various cyborgs and hippies to a awkward song about a man trying to seduce a school girl.

 Various low quality things to look out for in this bar:

The various elementary school lunch tables and chairs.

  The fact that despite it being a strip club, all lights are on and it's brighter then a super nova.

  The curtain on stage has cute little moons, hearts, clovers, and lightning bolts done in aluminum foil taped to it.

  The crowd hoots and hollars at the strippers in sync during lull's in the song like they are at a football game.

  Despite being a strip club, none of the strippers actually take off any clothes despite this movie filming what seems like a 15 minute long sex scene later.

  I think if you look hard enough, you can see a lunch lady serving shepherds pie in the background.

 After a very unappealing strip dance, we see McCord enter another dimension and talk to another a bartender that can't possibly be in the same area as the stripper. We are supposed to think they are the same joint, but it's impossible as most cafeterias do not have a bar.

  Jimmy, age 10, did the stripper curtain. 

This scene is important as it shows McCord and what he does best, being smug and using his face in such absurd ways to show emotion that he almost looks inhuman. When he isn't being sarcastic or smug, it looks like he is trying to rip the flesh from his face off with the power of his facial muscles. The dialog is as follows, but imagine each word said by McCord to have "Ehha~ whatever, I'm so cool" fonzy style feint longing after it. Also, it may not be 100% accurate, due to me falling asleep randomly and reading my notes I wrote on the back of a hotpockets box.

 Bartender: McCord.

McCord: Smugly sits down and smiles Hey.

 Bartender: How can I help you?

 McCord: Is Blue on? (Keep this line in mind for later.)

 Bartender: She is on next. Hey, anyways, how are you?

 McCord: Caught some punks raping an office woman in an alleyway.

 Bartender: Uh... What happened?

 McCord: Let's just say they opened fire on us. *Holds so much smug that he is about to die of smug poisoning.

 Bartender: ...Ok?

 McCord: Does that answer you question?

 Bartender: That's great! Anyways, I -

 Then suddenly Blue comes on to the walkway to dance. Blue is an interesting character, as I am sure she is the first Russian mail order bride to ever star in a American sci-fi film. I'm almost 100% positive all her lines were dubbed and she has this weird puffy face that I can only imagine was caused by being stung by wild Russian tundra hornets in the untamed woods of the eastern hills. Even though English can't be her first language, she tries to combat this with her style of acting which is to always have a look of slight bewilderment or confusion on her puffy face. To be fair, this actually works as this is the normal response most people would have to every line McCord gives.

Uh... is she ok? 

After a very unappealing strip dance from Blue (Which contains little to no stripping, but instead a 1940's style fully clothed burlesque show involving  a woman awkwardly walk around in work out gear) we see her break midway in her act to accept a couple of bucks from McCord, who kisses him, then proceeds to end the show afterwards.  Everyone woots like they saw a winning soccer match point and the scene ends.

 In a small scene, Black guy goes into a hallway and notices there is a bathroom above a stairwell, but some teenagers borrowing their dad's suits for this movie tell him he is not allowed to use it. Never mind, I guess racism is still a big thing in the future, oh well. Sad that he now has to pee on the lunchroom floor, he slowly walks back to his buddy.

 Next scene, the bar is completely empty except for one or two random high school parents they couldn't shoo out of the lunch room, two cyborgs, and the main crew. We find out from painfully dull dialog that Blue and McCord are dating and that she has to dance to pay for her college bills, but she secretly loves it too. McCord says he doesn't want her to dance, but this seems kind of odd considering he not only gave her money previously at her show, but seems friendly with the bartender. Although, to be fair, he didn't know if his girlfriend was preforming tonight, either way, it's quite dumb.

  As they talk about the bright future of med school and titty tassels, Black guy brings up that there is cyborgs in the room. Immediately, McCord says he hates all cyborgs and they are nothing but trouble, but Blue plays devils advocate and says that racism (Specisism?) isn't cool and cyborgs are just normal people like the rest of us. It's a thrilling debate and all, with McCord being smug talking about how he doesn't trust them, cocking his eyebrows as hard as possible and Blue trying to remember English phrases and looking into the camera the whole time, when suddenly the Cyborgs attack.

 And by attack, they teleport over to another room, kill two security guards who were guarding a bathroom, which leads to a a old man in a bedroom having sex, shoot him with pink lasers, move back into the lunchroom, and proceed to try to blast everyone with terrible special effects.

In the future, every cyborg will be fat as hell and albino. How Bleak.

 McCord kicks over a table and hides behind it (Tables are good enough to block high-tech pink lases, I guess) while his partner gets shot in the heart like eight times. While you might think "Wow, they killed off the black guy really fast." It turns out he is ok! Kind of! The director must have thought this trope was a bit insensitive and overdone, so instead of killing him there, he gets blasted with lasers and dies like two scenes later.

 After defeating the cyborgs by shooting them, McCord smugly checks on his buddy who is OK, then brings the cyborg bodies into a lab where a woman who consists of all teeth and Vaseline tells him that the cyborg attackers are "High tech and state of the art!" despite looking kind of dumpy. McCord asks what the white substance leaking out one of them is, and the scientist shrugs and says "I dunno, a replacement for blood?" which seems to please McCord, for some reason. "They seem to have military issue style enhancements." she concludes with. This information alone makes McCord instantly walk into the head of Pentagon and ask the head army lead of robotics to explain himself. Huh... who knew local cops had that power?

 Before we can get to that though, we have a scene where a kid and his grandpa hang out in a car and talk about "THE SECRET BLACK HAWK PROJECT" really loudly over and over again without saying much about it. Just vague things like "I told them to stop... that project... He has too much power!" and "That secret project sure is secret!" Both are gunned down by cyborgs. Ok.

 Back in the most tiny office that the pentagon has, McCord busts into office of Major Wright, who I guess is head of all robotics in the united states. Which, seems odd because he office is about the size of a broom closet and only is decorated by micro machines.

 "Can I help you?" Asks Wright.

 With those words, McCord starts immediately acting like an asshole and pretty much accuses Wright of hiding killer military cyborgs, that he is behind assassinating the senators, and that he will pay via being sodomized in jail. It's all really awkard when suddenly some nerd comes into the office and says "HEY GENERAL IM HAPPY TO TALK ABOUT THAT SECRET BLACKHAWK PROJECT! IT'S REALLY SECRET AND AMAZING, RIGHT?". Wright tells him to go away and shut up, but McCord nails onto it and demand to know about the project despite being a local cop and having no authority what so ever. I'm kind of surprised he doesn't just shoot the major and blame it on standing his ground. Wright makes them both get out, so McCord keeps threatening him for a bit, gets bored, and leaves.

 “War... war and bad office design never changes...”

On exiting, the nerd comes up to them in the parking lot and tells them to show their badges to prove they are cops. McCord and Blackguy both point at their dicks, which I guess is the same thing. Nerd is like "Oh, ok, cool. Hey, you want to know about that project? Let's meet at this seedy alleyway where all these hookers hang out." Black guy isn't sure where that is, but McCord instantly knows the spot. I was hoping for a origin story of how he met Blue there, but no luck. Anyways, they all agree on a time to meet.

 Before that can happen, McCord and BG talk to the captain of PD, who yells at them a bit and tells them they are "LOOSE CANNONS WHO DON'T PLAY BY THE RULES!" and to "Not mess with the military! The have too much power!" over and over. No one gives a shit, so Mccord and BG leave and go on out to meet the nerd.

 The nerd is standing in the alleyway, when he gets harassed by actually attractive (For the 80's) street walkers. This really makes me wonder about that senator earlier. Anyways, after saying no about ten thousand times, the hookers leave and out come the cyborgs! They blast the nerd with a pink laser when at that moment, McCord and BG step out and return fire. Huh... it's almost like they just watched that poor guy who wanted to help them die without doing anything. Two seconds into the fight, BG takes another ten thousand pink volts straight to the ticker and finally dies. McCord, distraught over the death of his partner, challenges the cyborg to a kung-fu battle in some dramatic fog the next alley over.

 The Kung-Fu battle is McCord and one Cyborg (Who we later learn is called Captain Hair) to touch each other shoulders and make "GRRR" sounds. Also, McCord kicks him once in the crotch. After one huge crotch kick, the cyborg gives up and runs away. McCord goes back to PD where the captain yells at him in the most trope filled way possible.

 Captain: "MCCORD! YOU ARE OFF THE CASE! You lost everything! You fool! You are way too reckless!"

 McCord face does some wierd mix of being smug yet trying to look sad.

 Captain: "McCord! You can't leave the PD to start your quest of vegence! Without that badge your just a young punk with a gun! You wouldn't make it two seconds out there!"

 McCord's face breaks time and reality.

 Captain: FINE MCCORD! You are off the force! You are too reckless! Turn in your badge!

 This goes on for like twenty minutes. Ugh

Next scene, Rasta cyborg and some guy name General Peck talk. The cyborg talks about how fighting McCord was “Like fighting another borg!” and Peck makes some dumb lines about how he knows McCord so well, they could be brothers.

 The scene cuts to McCord in his grandmas living room, in his underwear, looking at guns.

That’s not dirt. That’s hair. 

Blue in nothing but a old women style apron comes out into the scene and demands that McCord not do it! Do what? Uh... I’m not sure. Anwyays, McCord keeps talking about how he needs to avenge the death of black guy by doing... something, so he complains nonstop while making baby faces then him and Blue have a sex scene in a foggy room. The camera guy makes sure to film Blue’s nipples when he can in the most unclassy way possible, then after the scene ends. Blue says “Hey, I’m going with you.” and McCord grunts. Soon, They suddenly make way to some random office building!

Now, you would think they would describe what building they are in, or what they are doing there, or what this has to do with cyborgs, but whatever. Metal gear solid style sneaking happens as McCord and Blue make their way in the hallways looking for something. Oddly enough, they dress in all black except Blue has the a pair of stealth bright blue daisy dukes.

HIGH STEALTH ACTION AND FASHION

They randomly walk around looking for something when they come across a locked room with a single file cabinet. After getting in with Blues amazing lock pick technique of staring at a door hard enough, they access the file cabinet where they find information on the cyborgs who killed black guy. Also, they they find a file on McCord, and it turns out he is also a cyborg!

“You were injured in the army and they turned you into a cyborg (They?) and wiped your memory, then you were turned into a cyborg. Then, they made you a cop to keep an eye on you.”

McCord looks heart broken at this, but why? I’m not sure. I mean, sure, the cop job sucks, but he has super human strength or something. Or Not - I’m not sure what abilities cyborgs have except for having bad fashion taste and being really violent for no reason, but McCord filps his shit and treats the situation like he just discovered he has a tumor. Blue reminds him they should be stealthy and get out of here, so they go into the basement of the building where the pentagon general is, so his crew shoots McCord with pink lasers which causes him to twitch around on the ground. Before they can take him into custody, General Peck comes down and really wants to be alone with McCord. Who is General peck? Who knows, but apparently he wants McCord so bad that he  starts throwing a hissy fit but Pentagon dude says no way jose, they are talking him alone due to the project.

McCord wakes up in another grandmothers bed room where  Wright and some fat guy sit near him and ask him how he is feeling. McCord starts being a dick head and tells them to go fuck themselves and that he is outraged they made him a cyborg. Wright says “Well, uh, you were going to die so we -” and McCord yells “FUCK YOU! You should have let me died!”. Instead of pulling out his gun and shooting McCord a thousand times, Wright tells him they need him alive and to kill the cyborgs who are killing the senators. They would do it themselves, but they are tired or something, after a long long long session of both sides demanding stupid shit from each other, McCord says he will do it only because they have Blue. Wright tells him to shut the fuck up, so we cut to a fat belly dancer doing a show for some hobos.

Well, it’s a free show, that’s nice, I guess...

In the middle of the hobo crowd, a cyborg tries to finger the fat lady dancer when another hobo comes up and says “Cyborg scum!”. The cyborg looks at him with a dumb comical look of confusion, pulls out a gun, and is about to shoot his face off. The fat dancer intervenes on behalf of the hobo by sexually rubbing the robots face and saying “No! No... no metal man. Tonight, only love.” while her morbid grotesque body flaps like ten thousand wet blankets on a drying line. The cyborg oddly enough calms down and puts away his gun, but the Hobo ain’t being showed up by a land whale, so he repeats his weak ass insult with some extra burn on top.

“CYBORG SCUM! You got the passion of a toaster!”

So, the cyborg pulls out his gun and explodes the hobos face, then says an even lamer line.

“Beep boop. My best friends are toasters... humans bleed good. Really good.”

Anyways, McCord watchs this all happen and does nothing to help the Hobo, but instead follows the cyborg, beats him up, then kills the cyborg by shoving him into an electric fence. McCord then starts to walk off the scene but a crack head walks up to him and says “Ehahwehfh~ Fuarj!~ The walls!~ They walk through.. rocks! Pretty wires! They walk though walls!~”

Apparently, this information is good enough for McCord so he drives to a random tunnel in the middle of the desert 700 miles away and finds the cyborg base.

Huh. Well, I think they accidentally cut a scene or two, but whatever!

McCord then proceeds to murder every fat albino dude with guns until he comes across the lead cyborg. General Peck! Peck explains nothing about his plan and instead spends about 500 years talking about how he and McCord are brothers or something dumb. McCord shoots Peck ten thousand times while Peck does nothing but talk in boring nonsensical rants. After about four hours of this, Peck dies, McCord breaks into grandmas house and steals Blue from the army, and they drive off somewhere so they can further blues titty dance on the road.

The future is dumb.

[bfilmblues-blog]

The Corpse Grinders 2 - Cat Electric Boogaloo

Director:  Ted V. Mikels

Pros: It’s the best movie I have ever seen about cat aliens eating human corpses, I think.

Cons: The movie eventually ends.

To be honest, I really do love the majority of the b-films and I think the image of B-film really shows in Ted V. Mikels, shown below.

This picture pretty much says everything that needs to be said about Ted V. Mikels. He has a really odd mustache, he’s got some ridiculous horn necklace thing chances are that was made from a rare mythological monster who died in a glorious viking-epic style battle, he is quite possibly wearing a woman's blouse and suit jacket with a nice B cup rolling there and he has a small Chinese knock-off action figure looking at the camera like ‘I’m so happy that I’m around my hero...” with his charming little smile and clean machete.

Ted has been responsible for a TON of classic movies that have lasted the ages, this list includes:

Apartheid Slave-Women's Justice - Ted plays himself as LAND OWNER, who is stomped to death by African women for 2 hours. A ton of shots are just women sexually rubbing their feet against his crotch/face.

Blood Orgy of the She-Devils  - The title says enough, I suppose.

Girl in Gold Boots - A story about a women with a mental illness who flees a gas station in the middle of the desert with a stranger to become a dancer in LA. Has a really bad musical number in it. Tons of shoots involving feet.

The Black Klansman  - A black guy’s daughter gets killed by the KKK, so he joins the KKK to kill them. Also, I think someone rubs their feet into some dudes dick for eight hours.

As you can see, Ted is a man of many different talents, has a odd foot fetish, and might be some kind of bizarre alien creature from another planet. All in all, he’s the symbol of b-film everywhere. 

The Corpse Grinders 2... where to start? Now you might be saying “Wait! I never saw the Corpse Grinders! What happened in it! Do I need to know anything?” Let me be blunt, cats eat human corpses, become addicted to the taste of man, they attack people. The Corpse Grinders 2 went into another level here, with Ted saying “That shit is so plebian! Cats eating people? Fuck, that’s not weird enough, let’s throw in some aliens, a non-nonsensical plot uh, some teleporting, and maybe some shots of women stomping my testicles in!” and while they did get most of that in there, there is just a few moments of unique charm that really makes it stand out from Ted’s other works.

The movie begins with this Starwars style crawl

IN A GALAXY MANY LIGHT YEARS AWAY THERE IS A PLANET CALLED CETA ITS INHABITANTS EMULATE THEIR ANCESTORS, THE CAT-WORSHIPPERS OF EQYPT AND ATLANTIS. THERE IS A SHORTAGE OF FOOD AND WATER ON CETA AND THE CAT-PEOPLE STRUGGLE FOR SURVIVAL AGAINST THE ELEMENTS. THE DOG-PEOPLE OF THE NEIGHBORING PLANET TRAXIS WAGE WAR AGAINST CETA AND HAVE PLANS TO INVADE

As you can see, this makes the audience think about about a couple of questions like “What is Eqypt? What does Eqypt have to do with Atlantis?” Did the Cat people come from Eqypt and Atlantis to Ceta? Why did the Cat people move to a planet right next to dog people? That seems like a bad idea. Also, why would the dog people want to invade a planet with no food or water?” but before your brain can give up, you are thrown into the movie where we find an exciting space battle!

Set phasers to ARRROooo-Level, captain.

The blue dog hobgoblin things are in a really poorly edited space battle with the cat people while footage stolen from other sci-fi movies gets spliced into the action randomly. It’s all very memorizing and odd, but I do have to question how anyone could look at that blue thing and be like “Yup, that’s a dog alright.” or wonder why the cat aliens speak English or why they feel the need to sit in bad 5th grader level cardboard spaceship sets, but whatever. The cat people, look only slightly better as they are just normal people wearing fantasy style chain mail while having really dumb looking fake ears. Oddly enough, no fur what so ever making them just look like really old burnt out actors and actresses who went to the worlds laziest Halloween costume party. Thankfully, after the horrible battle (I think it was a battle?) we get to see some serious acting.

Borath, the leader of the cat people, calls everyone to Ted V. Mikels grandmothers living room and says the war is going poorly and that they need food and water otherwise everyone’s nine lives are up. Felina, a woman who looks to be about 1000 years old and wearing the most absurd amount of make-up a face can possibly hold, says she knows of a planet called Earth that has an environment like theirs and will get supplies from it. Everyone gasps in shock and one of the fat cat leaders says “You have to be careful, humans may not fight dinosaurs, they are very territorial!”

This again brings up a few questions, like don’t these people come from earth? Also, how would they know what a dinosaur is, arn’t they from ancient eqypt/atlantis times? Also, territorial? You left earth so you could be next to a planet full of dog people, is that really a concern you have?

Like a cat running into a wall from a laser pointer, Felina awkwardly takes some computer graphics from an Apple II and ends up traveling towards earth for food and water. Uh, I guess that one spaceship the size of like, a house will hopefully be able to hold enough food and water for the planet of cats. 

We cut to earth and find finally our main characters,  Landau and Maltby. Landau looks like one of those guys you meet who is 50 yet still wants to pretend to be 20 while wearing chucks and talking to his bros about windsurfing, while Maltby looks like a fat pothead who rolled around in a bunch of Hawaiian shirts and grease. Together, these guys are exploring the old family factory, Lotus Cat Foods, inc. It was there where people grounded up human remains, canned them, and caused the great cat-astrophe of 20XX. As they explore the semi-dusty office for two seconds, they both agree that they need to get rich so they should try that whole turning corpses into catfood idea again and set-out to make it happen, and how lucky that they both have family who left them the factory in their wills! Nevermind their cat food killed a bunch of people and the idea was terrible the first time, let’s do it again!

R.L Stien stole this cat.jpg for 90% of his covers. 

So, with that our heroes begin the process of getting bodies. Oh wait, scratch that, that would be the next logical scene. Instead, we are introduced to McBride who apparently is the CEO of Lotus who walks into professor Mikoff’s lab where he is listening to a plastic bird sing into a microphone. Right. Anyways, McBride is like “Yo, I need capital and because you are a scientist you should give me money so I can start the cat foodin’ again” and Mikoff is like “Hm, ok. Wait, I don’t know.” Which seems kind of odd because he seems into it, then doubtful, then into it, then doubtful. Whatever, McBride is happy and takes that as a yes so Lotus Cat Food starts into production again!

Landau and Maltby hearing they have capital or something, finally decide it’s time to start hiring workers! Now, workers are expensive so they decide instead to interview a bunch of bums who sit near the old abandoned factory. They recruit amazing potential such as:

-Old gross bum guy who can’t stop shaking because of heroin withdrawal.

- Possible sex offender bum who really really really loves cats named Tim.

- A skeleton dressed as a bum.

- The oldest bum to be living on earth at the ripe age of 205.

I don’t think these were actors, but actual homeless people. I have to had it to Ted, he knows how to get actors on the spot.

Together with this all star work team, Lotus cat foods will soar into profits! Well, sort of, forget that scene, back to the professor! Out in the middle of the desert the professor is laying in the sand with a blanket and a pair of binoculars and looking at a spaceship that landed. What is he doing? How did he get there? Whatever, not explained. Instead, some young greasy guys who try to look like CIA agents grab him and ask him to come back with him to  ASTAPP, the agency for Awareness Suppression To Avoid Public Panic! Which, impressively, looks like a YMCA. There they ask him what he knows, and Mikoff says “Uh, I think I saw something move outside the ship” and the they pretty much say “Cool, well, guess you can hang out with us then.” then proceed to look at each other awkwardly in silence.  Mmm, you would think ASTAPP would be more interested in the spaceship then some old creepy looking guy looking at it, but I don’t know how big government works.

Right, anywho, we are introduced to two other characters! A nurse and her doctor boyfriend. They are both boring and for some reason the nurse has her pet cat just hanging out around the hospital waiting room lobby... which, uh, doesn’t seem very hygienic or safe. Anyways, stud doctor wants to have sex with her right on the reception desk and she turns him down because she has half a brain. Oh, also, they talk about how the nurses cat is picky about food and the doctor whines about not getting sex nonstop. Great stuff.

Landau and Maltby finally get back on scene and Ted remembers this is supposed to be a horror film. Now that the company is starting up, they need meat and what better meat then from humans? They reason that the old Lotus Cat food was a top seller and cats loved it, so they just do the same thing over again... forgetting, I guess, about all the killer cats or whatever. 

Felina thinks about the awful choices that led her to this movie.

So, where does one get meat from humans? Why, the graveyard of course! Now, sure, grave digging is just a tiny step below grinding up human corpses for cat food and they don’t want to step on any toes, so they talk to Caleb, the undertaker. Landau, being the charismatic salesman he is says “Hey, old dude. Wanna dig up people for $20 a pop?”. Huh. Well, Caleb says that’s absurd which is something anyone would agree with. Landau then barters and says “Well, how about $50?” and Caleb agrees.  Yes, it may seem that $50 for digging up bodies that are like 6 feet down and cracking up caskets and somehow hiding the evidence that they were ever dug up from family and loved ones seems like a pretty bad deal, but Caleb is very stupid. Caleb’s wife also screams nonstop about how the zombies will walk the planet and God will smite Caleb for his sinning ways. Personally, I believe if God was to smite Caleb for one thing, it would be his poor sense of money management rather then this little moonlighting gig.

Back to Felina, she now has a hat over her ears and checking out a supermarket. She wants food but is confused by the concept of money so she gives up and keeps looking. Builds spaceships, understands English, but doesn’t get money, huh? Classic CETA behavior.

Anyways, screw cats. Back to L&M. Landau tells Maltby to get grinding, so grinding he does. Maltby, in a Hawaiian shirt or a hoodie (Depending on which mood he is in) feeds countless corpses to the machine where the end result looks like a small amount of sausage coming out of a tube. It’s not really scary and it’s more just awkward as you watch a fat guy trying to push people pretending to be dead into a cardboard box, but you have to hand it to Maltby, he sure is passionate about his job and he shows this by constantly chain smoking and talking about how rich he is going to be while shooting grandmas down a belt-rack. Oh, also, these are our heroes, just in case you forgot, I don’t blame you if you did.

Now, with some corpse grinding and some basics down, Landau is like “Shit, we need to make this even better!” and go down to the local funeral home and ask the director if they want to buy beef/chicken flavor embalming fluid.

Ted V, you glorious bastard. 

The sales pitch goes as well as you except with the director (With the most crazy hair I have ever seen in any movie, but I could not find a picture of it online. Every time I search corpse grinders, I keep getting goth kids and metal bands, so I apologize for this horrible loss) being lackluster on flavoring dead bodies. Landau once again uses his impressive salesmanship and accidentally blurts out they just want to turn them into cat food, so the director agrees. WHAT?! I don’t get it either. Anyways, the director is down for this and starts pumping stiffs full of delicious chicken flavor, whatever.

What do you mean I have to use my real name for the credits...?

Back to the nurse! Her cat is now eating lotus brand cat food and really loves the stuff. She says “If you take the food, it growls at you!” well, uh, yeah, no shit, most animals do that when you take away food. Stud doctor finds this suspicious however and asks Mikoff (I guess ASTAPP just let him go?) in his lab to run some tests on the cat food. Mikoff agrees, because I guess his plastic bird experiment is over and he was really bored.

Felina now is at the Supermarket again where she finds Lotus doing a promotion and offering people free cans. She takes a can, opens it up, eats it in front of everyone, and tries grab all the samples because despite having a spaceship and the like, she still can’t just grasp how money works. Also, just a side note, but lotus REALLY markets the hell out of this pop-lid tin. They seriously spend every five seconds bragging about how IMPRESSIVE AND AWESOME THE POP-TOP TIN IS which uh... is impressive to someone I guess. After being run out the market, yet again, she meows in depression and goes home. Just kidding, instead she yawns, climbs a tree, and falls asleep in boredom because Ceta is a huge trash planet full of jerks.

Meanwhile, the cat people of Ceta contact  ASTAPP (How? Who cares) and tell them they need food and water via radio. ASTAPP figure heads all gather in what looks like the desk for a public library and debate on what to do. By debate, they awkwardly wheeze and just say “ok, sure.” and agree to help them. ASTAPP is like “Well, shit, what do aliens eat? Uh, cat food, I guess?” and they decided to send one of their members to Lotus to check it out because it’s a great place to cat food.

Talk about a total fuck you to aliens. Could you imagine if you were from a dying planet and the first thing aliens offer you is cat food? Although, to be fair, despite being aliens, like the cats of earth, they fricken love human corpses so hurrah! It’s amazing the bright minds of ASTAPP could solve this problem so fast! The member sent to Lotus is let in by Tim who is now the security there (Despite looking like a elderly grandma) and not sure if he should let the unknown person who wants to see the whole factory in or not because... you know, all the dead bodies. Tim finally just gives up after being asked a second time and lets him in, where he goes straight away to the grinder and see’s the bodies. Maltby, our hero, just knocks him on the back of the head with a bone and throws him into the grinder. Oh, he also yells at Tim for a second. Guess those aliens won’t be getting Lotus after all, oh well.

Apparently, in a scene Ted forgot to film, Lotus now has a deal where it trades ashes for actual dead bodies meant to be cremated, so it’s a bit confusing when the next scene is Tim scooping ashes into vases and L&M handing them off to the funeral director who is acting absurdly worried about being caught and twitching every five seconds while directing a service. Ted once again proves that he is a STRAIGHT UP REBEL when it comes to film making. Pfff, scenes that explain things? Fuck that shit, that ain’t the Ted way. Now stick some feet rubbing a corpses nipples in scene and cut.

The service goes off without a hitch, I guess if you don’t count the director acting like the biggest spaz on earth. Oddly enough, a fat lady sings Amazing Grace during the service, but she only sings it for like 2 seconds. She like literally does two lines and  gives up. What a great way to send someone off, right?

Meh, it’s still better then the Beverly Hills Cop box set.

Mikoff finally finishes looking into that Cat Food and discovers that it has substances in it like “Alcohol, nicotine, and possibly something like horse flesh”, then gets into an increasingly odd dialog with a friend about how he is interested in cannibalism and how he should study it. So, obviously Mikoff knows the cat food is made of people, but he doesn’t really seem to care or tell anyone. Hell, he is just like “Well, ain’t that something. Hey, did you know that in Fiji some tribal guy ate another tribal guy? I should study that.” and totally forgets to inform anyone important about this for the rest of the movie. Way to go, professor!

Meanwhile,  ASTAPP shows back up at Lotus and asks where their missing guy went. Lotus says “Well, uh, we haven’t seen anyone. No sir, nope, heh.” and  ASTAPP goes “Well, ok.” and just leaves. Huh, that seems really easy. Now that the heat is on, you think L&M would be like “Oh shit, maybe we should hire people who arn’t homeless and actually like, tone down on the whole corpse gathering thing.” but that’s just not the Ted V. Mikels way, baby! Instead, they ask random thugs to murder people for $100 a pop.

Yes, you read that right. They find some guys who “Kinda” look like gang members, if you think gang members wearing daffy duck jackets and greaser style hair are tough. The deal goes about as well as you suspect with the thugs laughing at the offer. After the laughs, they said they will do it for $500 a pop.

What!? This town and money, I swear...

Anyways,  Landau, master of haggling says he will give them $150. In finally the only logical point in the movie, the thugs tell him to fuck off and the deal never happens. Oh Well! Caleb is still supplying Lotus so, so they got that going. Caleb, on one of his digging trips comes back home to find his wife screaming because she saw an alien from her bed.

Huh. Did I just drop acid?

Anyways, she keeps screaming and to help her calm down he chokes her to death. Oh well.

WITNESS THE HORROR OF GOD FOR YOUR GRAVE DIGGIN!

Meanwhile, Felina somehow gets her lazy off out of the tree and now understands how money works! She attempts to buy Lotus at a stock holders meeting but alas the offer is turned down. What money and where did she get it? Never explained. Once again, Felina is stumped about how to get food.

In yet another scene, ASTAPP shows back up once again at Lotus and talks to Landau, saying “Hey, we are here on behalf of the United States Government and we want to buy 400 tins of catfood for an alien race.” which... uh, seems a bit low, but maybe the cat people don’t eat much? Oh wait, Felina wanted to woof down like 40 of those tins in a previous scene, never mind. Landau takes it with eyes rolling and says things like “ " Tell your mister President, we accept" and “Tell your mister President we want a check, right now.” That shrewd man, Landau is. ASTAPP doesn’t seem to care though and gives him a check for ten grand and tells them to get the delivery ready. 10k? That seems a bit high for 400 cans of cat food, but with this town I have no idea how money works here. I hate to say it Felina, but I feel just like you back when you first got here. Also, wait, wouldn’t ASTAPP want to hide that they have been talking to an alien? I mean, it’s  the agency for Awareness Suppression To Avoid Public Panic! Seems like bad form to just tell everyone about how you know aliens and they need cat food or some shit. Thanks, Obama.

Once again, Ted remembers this is a horror film, so he has one of the bums working there ask Maltby “Hey, do you guys grind up people for cat food?” which, of course, means he gets a one way ticket to a ride into the machine. I guess my question though is, don’t all the bums already know what is happening? How have they not seen the non-stop corpse flow? Oh whatever.

In a scene that breaks up anything relating to horror what so ever, Landau is sitting there when suddenly ASTAPP agents teleport into the room from bad special effects and tell them to get that delivery on time, again. Landau asks how they got in and they say “Teleport technology, we have had it for years.” or something along those lines. Well, ok then. After that, they teleport back out with incredibly bad effects. Looks like someone gave Ted too much freedom there, heh.

The nurse notices her cat is only likes eating Lotus now and with this HUGE DEMAND OF 400 CANS TAKING UP ALL PRODUCTION the cat food isn’t available anymore in stores. So, she decided to head to Lotus dressed in an really odd sexy get-up and knocks on the door and greets Tim, who once again fucks up his job and says to come on in. She walks two steps, gets knocked out by Maltby (For a greasy fat guy, he has a good blow!) and taken upstairs where he debates if he should grind her up or not. She wakes up and says “Whoops! Haha! I must have blacked out or something! Hey, can I have some cat food?” Realizing this town is full of idiots, Maltby gives her some cans and she heads off on her way back home with no worries what so ever.

L&M finally make their delivery to the cat space ship, where Felina teleports the food onto ship. Mikoff then knocks on the door and asks he can come to the cat planet and eat human flesh out of cans, they agree and they all go off into a space with bad computer graphics.

The end.

I think I need to lie down or something, woo~