bi-po-ly - Tumblr blog

[bi-po-ly]

Kissing Pat is a big mood. Today he asked me to kiss him first in the kitchen, because there was a song on by My Bloody Valentine that he said I should "have the experience of kissing to," and it was wonderful. We also made out to So Anxious by Ginuwine which was a pretty healing experience - all week I had been feeling this relationship anxiety tension. I listened to So Anxious and it was exactly what I was feeling - this fucking yearning to communicate with this person and to have your anxieties quelled though physical closeness. Ginuiwine managed to pre-date this anxiety that would grip my generation, and that had my week in a throat-lock. I wanted to see Pat but he wasn't available this week and I got So Anxious!! It speaks really succinctly to this need I feel to be grounded - someone like Pat ended up becoming so close because he put himself in my life, and now I'm used to a certain amount of seeing him and being near to him! But he's with Des and I'm more than friends with him so we're navigating that nearness and frequency of nearness and it's a bit of an unstable time. I feel anxious when I can't have committed time with him, but he's amazing at giving me space and time and being present when he's there with me. Anyway that was the theme of the night.

The actual events were pretty fun. We cooked dinner together and smooched around a bit - I sat on the kitchen counter in a way that I know that gets under his collar a little, and he asked to kiss me. It was really lovely having him initiate, and he was just really tender and wonderful. The whole night was punctuated with really sweet moments of pulling each other aside and kissing - we kissed on the way to my comedy party and on the way out of it. We went to the parkette behind Shaw and kissed each other into a hypnotic state - like we both got dizzy as we pulled away, and kept pulling back and then falling into each other like our faces were magnetized. I feel so stimulated when I kiss Pat, and I feel like I'm in my body and that Pat and I are chatting. Like all the times I get into politics with him, that energy was passing back and forth to each other with our tongues. I felt like I was super connected to him and also that we were avoiding art and sitting in a shitty parkette, but in all honesty, what we were doing felt so connected and I realized I didn't need to see any corporate art.

Next, we went to a bar called Loveless, and saw the Hottest Bartenders Ever. His name was Dave. He was a double Virgo Gemini moon, and I just told him all about his life. Pat and I hit on him gently and left screaming about how hot he was. Then he made out with me on someone's front porch, and then again in front of a church because 'he understood that making out in front of a church is a vibe' and then we walked to Bathurst and Dundas and kissed once more by the bus stop before we parted ways.

Kissing Pat lights something up in me. I love how he moves his mouth, and how he adapts to me and how we made a beautiful vaccum together. We suck out each other's oxygen and each other's bad vibes, and we get drunk off each other's spit and high off holding hands. Also the weed and drinking add to that, so I don't want to minimize that. But it was such a wholly wonderful night and I know I'm gonna be a little wild until it can happen again. Happy NRE I guess!!

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Patchy and me listening to music in the car!

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Pat's Des (who I adore) just sent me a pic of him and we are fawning over him and this is what my RA is ABOUT

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I just want to go where love is alive

Okay - one thing that I have to remind myself is that it's okay that I have an anxious attachment style. Its okay! My body tells me that love is a threat - or maybe I value emotional connection and love, and my body is sensitive to the threat of losing that. I get scared and I feel that in my body! Love haunts me! But I also deserve to feel all of the good effects of love - the safety and security and warmth and groundedness. The passion and the arousal and the great longing responded to with spectacular giving. The needing and getting and feeling satiated. I deserve this. I deserve it even if the process of growing and harvesting that love, the process of preserving it, preparing it, letting it sustain me, will always be harder for me. I am worth the results even if I am challenged by the process.

I have been smoking more weed than I feel comfortable with lately. I honestly really enjoy smoking weed, but only when I'm intentional about it. When Ben and I set aside a night to get stoned together and watch a movie. When I have a day to myself and I want to do some writing or cooking or cleaning, and I want to be in a nice cloud. When my body and heart feel so heavy that I can't relax, and my mind is spinning endless strategies to manage the pain, manage the heaviness of my situation. I think weed has helped me in those places. I also enjoy buying it - looking at different strains and strengths, and noting how they affect me. Whether they melt down my muscles, or amplify my senses, or give me a unique little push to do that thing I've been putting off. Whether they put a thick cloud on me, whether they flatten me out, whether they clog my access to communication until I feel like a granite slab. I don't want to stop using weed.

But I do want to up my intentionality. I have been reaching to weed without considering my own boundaries. I have been smoking tobacco without considering the consequences. I am high right now, and I don't know how long this writing will feel cathartic. I would like to take a break, re-establish my boundaries. I would like to take more breaks from myself - I think that I can use my support network to help me work through insecurities and contradictions that exist within myself, rather than projecting those inconsistencies on to those that I love.

I have had a tough week with Ben, and I am projecting a lot on to them. They have been understanding of this on a deep, long-term level and they have been holding space for that while still pushing back and maintaining their boundaries. I love them so much, and I feel that they are rising to a challenge with grace and fucking power! I am giving myself space to understand that when they demonstrate holding that duality for me (a highly sensitive individual in a low place, feeling threatened often and jumping to projection as a first defense/also trying to note that defense, make room for it, be open to conversation about it etc) I feel scared! This is a deep and intimate connection, and it's my first (and maybe only!) navigation through it.

But I'm doing okay! It is so scary but I'm doing okay.

Okay, I have some songs I've been listening to, that I'm gonna throw into a Spotify playlist. I'm just gonna talk about one for now:

Love is Alive!

Wow okay, so this was the inspiration for this blog. I just want to go where love is alive. It makes me remember that I'm not signing up for a life without pain. Without challenges. I'm signing up to go where love is alive, with lots of support and kindness. There will also be tons of anxiety, tears, aches and exhaustion!! This is all okay, and I am getting a lot of messages that it's not okay, but it is okay, ha!

I just want to go where love is alive, so I'm gonna do that.

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I love you so bad

I have other things to report but tonight I went to an Ezra Furman show and it was an angry punk dream. I went with Emily and told her about the babes, and Pat ended up coming to the show. I invited him casually, but so did Dre and he ended up coming with Dre and Tor, because her friend is in the band Prancer.

The show was amazing. The crowd was so queer and Ezra was in a dress, lipstick, tights and heels onstage.

I spent the night in sort of an interesting communication with Pat. I really wanted to give him space and not make him feel like I expected him to hang with me. I also wanted Emily to feel like I was there with her and not ditching her. It was kind of an interesting dance, I would stand near Emily for a song, and then go across the venue to hug Pat. For the first half of the show I darted between them, and we had a smoke break - I had told Pat to text me when he needed a minute and I went outside with him and Emily. He was a little spacey, so we told him we'd be standing at the back, and then he drifted back into the venue.

When we got back I stayed with Emily in the back, and Pat eventually came over - not standing with us but near us. I watched him watch the show for a few songs and then I went to dance with him. I loved dancing with Pat and holding his hand - I have these feelings for him that are just warm. I always want him around and I always want him to be smiling.

That's him taking a picture of Ezra!

Pat and I danced together side by side, then I went back to Emily. Then Ezra called for a "queer slow dance" and Pat grabbed me to dance with him. I invited Emily and the three of us ended up in a funny dance line.

It's interesting to note experiences when I feel truly safe and grounded. In that crowd, between Pat and Emily, holding their hands and throwing arms around shoulders and waists, nuzzling heads together and jumping up and down to the music - it felt like there was only us and the music. I didn't feel any rushes of sex feelings or excitement or lust - it was just my babe and my best friend surrounding me and keeping me safe. I felt at ease and in touch with my senses - I was noting where my body was. Pat and Emily seemed comfortable too, but I'll check in with them tomorrow.

After the show I ran into Jonny Black - idk how long his name will be relevant to me, but he sexually assaulted one of my close friends in high school and he's maintained a creepy vibe ever since. He's kind of doing a Post Malone unkempt white Raptors fan thing right now, and it sucked. He told us that he thought he was going to score with these two hysterical, foamy mouthed women - literally when they spoke, white strings of foam gathered in the corners of their mouths - who told me a convuluted story about getting a promotion over a blonde woman - anyway he talked about how he'd trailed them for the whole show, only to find out they were married. Jonny is a Taurus, which makes sense to me. Anyway, saw and ditched them, bought a panzerotti (delicious) and then said goodbye to Pat and Dre and Des.

I was invited to Des' place but I said no because I work early, which I am proud of doing even though I really wanted to go!

Now I am home. My baby Ben came to say hi when I got in, and they were all sleepy and precious. Seeing a raw angry NB person on stage made me feel really emotional - I felt like if Ezra could go on stage (they might want to be called Ezrie) and rock their fucking shit out, then Ben is probably gonna be okay. Also I love them with all of my fucking heart. Agh!

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i (met a) metamour

I can’t keep these fucking blogs because everything is so great to write down when I’m feeling smug and sane and emotionally stable. But the minute (and it doesn’t fucking happen in a minute) that I start to slide I’m afraid to talk about it. I don’t want to admit that I’m pretty terrified and I feel precarious and close to snapping.

I don’t want to talk about it because maybe I won’t feel this way for a long time? But I mean, maybe I will. I don’t know. This is the boring part, the building up to a storm. 

Last night I met D’s partner E. I’m struggling with my feelings about how it went. We said hi across a circle of people, and I didn’t want that to be all. I ended up telling all of these people about how nervous I was and I feel shitty about that. I didn’t need to make that public. I pulled her aside at the end of the night to talk, and I think that also might have been the wrong thing to do. She seemed nervous too. 

Then I got too drunk at a house party and tried to suck an old friend off on the  balcony. 

I don’t fucking know what I’m doing. 

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(pre)meeting the partner

So one of the people I’m seeing (D) has a partner, and I’m meeting her tonight. I want her to like me. I went to an event that she was at last week, and didn’t get to meet her. I saw a woman that I imagined to be her, and I spent the event staring at her, wondering what I’d say. The woman from the event was beautiful. She wore deep red lipstick and a floppy hat, and spoke to her friend throughout the presentations. I remember thinking that she was disrespectful, and then rushing in my head to make excuses for her, to forgive her. 

As it turned out, his actual partner was seated directly behind me. I wonder what thoughts she sent into the back of my head.

I have a great friend, and together we went through my fears for the evening. I was scared that: a) she wouldn’t like me b) she wouldn’t like me, and then D would see that he also didn’t like me c) they’d start a conversation (about how they didn’t like me) and I wouldn’t be invited to join d) they’d start a conversation about something I couldn’t relate to, and thus I would realize they didn’t like me, and I’d have to stand and listen, unable to move or leave.

Looking at those fears then, and now again I realize how easy it is to identify my less than sane feelings. A thing that I repeat to myself often is that nobody is thinking of me as much as I’m thinking of me. And what they do think, I can’t control. Seeing myself as the centre of my world is natural, but seeing myself as the centre of my partners’ worlds is pretty delusional. It’s nice to remember that I don’t matter quite as much as I fear I do, but also more than I hope that I do.

So anyway, a nice thing is that after talking to my great friend, I was able to message D and get some confirmation on things I’d need to feel comfortable tonight. My own group of friends, a way out of seeing them directly together (just in case it hurts), and a few minutes alone with him. He obliged, because he’s sweet and seems to be committed to making this work. And also, my requests were valid! I can do that, be reasonable, even if my feelings are self centred and vaguely delusional. This makes me smile. 

Wish me luck tonight. 

[bi-po-ly]

on softboys

I tend to go for intellectuals. I don't know what it is that initially attracts me to them, but I often perceive them as smarter than me or more accomplished than me. I also tend to forget what I like about them very quickly, and I get easily caught up on worries about what they think of me. I can usually bank on the fact that they're attracted to me, so I play that up. I let them squeeze my ass hello, but then sometimes end up physically stiff around them if they don't continue to initiate touch. I feel that my main selling point is that I'm good at creating an instant chemistry, and I fake my way through one sided conversations with a lot of stupid jokes and flirting. But then by date two or three I imagine that they see that I'm a little less interesting than I first appeared. Quick, but not smart. Shiny, empty.

 I'm on my way home from one of those situations - a first date crackling with sparks (not as much substance), a kiss on the street. An unclear text exchange where I could have taken a cancelled date as a hint, an overcompensated second date completely devoid of sexuality. We watched an hour's worth of YouTube videos and then he sent me on a 40 minute walk home, claiming he wasn't in the mood. I feel embarrassed and lonely, like I wasn't enough to keep his attention. 

 But then I think again, and I ask myself what I saw in him. What he brought forth to hold my interest. Was I  in the mood? I ask what part of him I find attractive and I find myself coming up a little short. Intellectual, yes, but for me that's just like fetishizing a man for being fluent in a language that I can't speak back to him. Cute? Maybe, but besides a few thrilling kisses after a conversation that I carried and drinks that he bought, nothing stirred me. So why do I feel embarrassed? Could it be because I ignored my own lack of enthusiastic interest? After all, I told my friends that he didn't quite trip my "Fuck Yeah!" switch, but that I would "give him a chance." What did I need to do that for? I'm going to think on this. As I walk, I see reasons to feel both shameful and proud after this experience. After all, I was the one who called it off. Maybe there's no problem with feeling both.