biancadeangelis

[biancadeangelis]

Sometimes I wonder if I’m falling in love with you, or is it that I am just falling in love with the idea of you. Are you really the man I see you as?

I’m always seeing everyone with rose colored glasses. Head in the clouds, 7 of cups, faith, belief…

It’s all so pointless though isn’t it?

If I’m to believe all that we are taught, that we are just these itty bitty beings on this big round rock floating through space in a vastness that is beyond our comprehension. Then what does it all matter anyways.

For now I’ll stay in my delusion.

I can choose to believe in fate, romance, we have to no? The alternative is so so bleak.

[biancadeangelis]

Dec 17 2022

Driving home from the hotel this morning after a blissfullly amazing night with a dream of man. I smoked a little before I started driving, not sure if that was the best decision. But something all feels different. Lighter. And not just because I’m high. The Mowgli’s “I feel good about this” comes on the radio and what a strange feeling that comes over me. What is this strange feeling? I can’t stop thinking about him. About last night. I’m falling. “Wish I knew you” by the revivalists comes on next. It reminds me of my time in St Croix. So many feelings, “2 strangers in the brightlight… wish I knew you …. Wish I knew you when I was young”

I can’t stop feeling the love. I want to always remember this moment. This is all something different than I’ve ever quite felt before. F#ck it’s scary, but wonderful. How can I remember this all, all these words in my head. Need to pull over, stop at the meadows, can’t leave the car. I need to just sit here and type. I want to always remember this one moment. The weight is gone.

We talk about things like UFOs and religion and spirituality and time theory and space and movies and music and family and sex and I just can’t wrap my head around it. What am I missing? How can he be this perfect. Or am I just looking for a problem so I can keep my guard up? I think I need therapy.

“Honey Bee, I can't imagine how my life would be

If all your gravity did not hit me

Oh, don't you see?

Darling, my honeybee”

Oh boy am I in trouble. Why does the whole world feel different. Did it glitch again?

Why are all my Spotify songs love songs? Is it always this way? Am I just secretly a closeted romantic? Probably a bit. I do think my idea of romance is probably not the same as most. I don’t need flowers or things like that. I just want to feel magic, in some sort of way. I want to feel something real.

He’s real with me. He’s genuine and true and honest and so real with me. That’s probably the sexiest thing about him.

“Dance monkey” another song that makes me think about St. Croix. I think about that place a lot. It had such a magical energy to it. I need to go back.

What am I doing? Why am I still sitting here in my car, listening to music? I need to go home, back to the real world.

[biancadeangelis]

Sometimes I wonder if I fucked it all up. Why couldn’t I have met someone like you a little bit earlier in life? I’ve spent so much of my life lying to myself and everyone around me about what I want. I always said I never wanted the fairytale. I didn’t want to get married and have a family. Having a bunch of kids and a husband wasn’t ever a dream to me.

But that was really a lie.

The truth is, I did want it all. I just didn’t think it was something that was ever in my cards. I didn’t deserve real love, I didn’t deserve a whole and happy family. Now I look back and think why did I lie? What was I so afraid of? The truth is, it was easier to be alone than it was to be left. But then again, if I had met you 20 years ago - would you have been the same? Would I have recognized how truly amazing you are? I’m not even sure you quite realize your greatness. And still I’m so scared. So scared to tell you.

I have failed.

Failed at being a mom.

Failed at being a friend.

Failed at love, time and time again.

I’m a fraud.

When I’m on my deathbed, there’s just one person I’ll reach out to.

I’ll tell him to go f&ck himself.

And I’ll see him in hell.

Art by Gus Fink.